[adelina]

12/22/11
Okay I don’t know where to post this, and I probably should be posting under a nom de plume, but I am done with my marriage but I can‘t leave it. I was having a hard day and lately they have been very hard. My condition has been unruly, and my teen has been as well and my husband has been absent and when here he is very sharp and inattentive. It’s a very stressful time and I try to be understanding to him but it had gotten to a point where I needed to say something to him. I got one sentence out of my mouth and he went off. For the next 25 minutes he berated, demeaned, belittled, mocked, provoked, insulted and ruthlessly hurt me. At no time did I rise to the occasion, I simply tried to stay calm and spoke to him in a very calm voice asking him to try to calm down. It did not matter what I said he just went on and on. Now I will say I was direct in what I said. I did not state anything in a snide or strained voice I just said how I felt directly - it is one of my curses. I was very drained, and had been dealing with the problems at home for days -because he is not here to help. If we could work on our problems together I would be very willing to work on my “directness”, but he won’t restrain himself from his insults - he feels that he has a right to put me down and belittle me if we don‘t agree on a subject. I honestly didn’t say anything bad to him and I said it in a very calm voice - he just takes what I say and if he opposes it he belittles me.

The is the reason I am done. He mocks for even coming here and “pouring out all our problems for everyone to see”. I know we both contribute to the problems in this marriage- and I will own up to mine, I just won’t live with the insults, mocking and belittling anymore.

Now the real meat of the matter is how is someone like me supposed to live single? I can’t get a job - I can‘t use my arms most of the time. I live in a rural area with no resources nearby. I have no family except my children. I have a friend, the only one I have mentioned this to and she said - how could you ever make it? And she is right? I just don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped. I honestly do not love him anymore and have not for a long time. But I really, really wanted to make it work for my children’s sake and what used to be between him and I and what could be between him and I. But I will not live with this insulting any more. And for him to quite insulting me - that means I have to agree with every thing he says.. I don’t know how to live that way. Especially the person he is now. Getting off topic again somewhat - like I said I don’t know how to stay in this marriage, but I can’t go. I CAN NOT leave my children. That might be someones advise but what would that do to my kids? Especially to my adopted children who have already been abandoned by birth family and were old enough to remember it.

If there is someone out there who can lend an ear of sympathy or guidance, I could sure use it right now. Or maybe someone knows of a way I can get help to be on my own - I just don’t know how. I feel like such a little kid; not knowing what I am supposed to do, needing, help and being dependent - I thought when I grew up I was done with all that misery!

[ginnie]

[It is OK to come here and talk about this. Never mind what your husband says about you telling strangers on line. This is a good site with plenty of compassion from alot of people. We all have so many different kinds of problems yet it is really kind of a family.
I am divorced. I got a house, and moved my best friend in with me to make it financially. I am disabled. My kids are grown and only one is in my life. My daughter and son in law, grandchild, refuse to have me be a part of their lives, so I do know what it is like to have some really difficult family and emotional problems.
You cannot live like that being abused. That is really what is occuring. This will never be good for you, and only lead to illness and more sorrow. The emotional pain you are enduring will effect your body eventually. You must take care of yourself. You won't loose your children. there is help there, even if you are in a rural area. check to see if there is a "womans" center nearby. Call your local hospital to see if they have advocates for abuse. Seek some kind of social agency that can help. Call the abuse hot line. Call your church if you have one. Change can only be good for you, and in the end it will be better for your children. If your husband can't change or stop his behavior, then you really have to be the one to be strong and get out of the situation. From the sound of it, council wouldn't do much good. Your love for him is no longer there, so working one way in a marriage doesn't work. Nobody can stay healthy in an enviroment filled with terrible words flung at the partner. That isn't good for your kids eithor. It would be telling them it is OK for your husband to treat you like that. It isn't OK for him to treat you like that. Your kids are going to understand that if they are of the age of reason. Consider seeking help. Make some plans maybe, come back here, for more people to respond to you. I know that for myself, I cannot and would not live in an abusive situation. I did loose part of my family, but I didn't loose my soul. I found help, and got counciling. Forgive me if I said anything to offend. I just hear your agony so clearly. Think of yourself first now. Come back here anytime and if I can help in any way I will. ginnie

[mrsD]

I agree with Ginnie.

A partner who abuses you when you are ill, is reacting to the loss of attention he expects from YOU. This is a cardinal trait of narcissism and will not change. They are very resistant to any change. It is always about THEM...not you.

The attention a narcissist expects is called narcissistic "supply".
If it is removed, or changed, they erupt into tantrums and worse.

This link explains it very well for laymen. The concept with the big psychological words often is difficult to understand.
His tantrums reveal his fear of loss of attention from you. The internet with people to respond to you, presents another form of intrusion into his world.

Please read this wonderful site (and perhaps more than once-- as I have over the years)... it really is educational and helpful. A narcissist can destroy a marriage, a relationship, an employment situation, and can poison your life:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html

This is the BEST explanation for you to read.
And unfortunately, is it not easily changeable. If your husband was like this in the past...before you were ill, then the outlook is poor. If he abuses service people, waiters, etc. Or is always
looking for attention to himself, at the cost of you and your children, he may be narcissistic. You can go and find a therapist to support any changes you may have to make, or to help you learn how to reach him for some compromise. But be prepared that some narcisssists do not change. So if that is your problem, you need major support to deal this problem.

It is a tough place to be. I can feel for you...I had narcissistic parents...but luckily for me my hubby is not. I chose carefully!

[adelina]

Thank you both very much, I just wanted to say thank you and to let you know I need to think and read about what you both have said. It has really hit me at the core; both what you said Ginnie about it being an abusive situation and mrsD about him being narcissist. I have been looking for a long time to find the right word and that fit so close you couldn't slip a whisper past it. I have a lot of thinking and reading to do, and I do so much appreciate you writing back to me. I was on pins-n-needles waiting for someone to write back. Thank you very, very much.

[ginnie]

I will be here any time you want to talk. I know the other lady through this site also. A kind and compassionate person. I won't forget about you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope some door opens for you, when all the doors seem closed. ginnie

[zorro1]

Blaine you mentioned you are trapped and cant make it on your own because of your disability.

Can I ask how are you surviving now? What physical support does your family provide eg getting dressed or cooking etc.

It really is amazing what you can do when you absolutely have to but I don't know how incapacitated you are.

Having such a chronic condition that is invisible makes it ten times harder to deal with people around you. I wish I had bones sticking out of my feet so I could just point and say this really hurts..

[ginnie]

I wanted to tell you I have been following the posts, and hearing what others said to you. There is alot for your to consider. People have the same feelings I have about your situation. Their advise is right on target. You haven't been far from my thoughts eithor adeline. I hope that you will post to me and let me know how you are doing. I hope that you can move forward into the peace which we all need to help heal ourselves. ginnie

[adelina]

1/1/12
I have not bean able to communicate lately because he has been home and we have had company.
But to update…..(and I am little proud of myself for this)…
I have tried to further communicate with him my worry that he avoid the family and each and every time he goes right in to rage. I always address it very gently and not accusingly, but just trying to let him see he is hurting the family and that the kids notice. So on Thursday I told him I would not accept it any more. I told him what h e was doing to me was abuse and would be considered domestic violence. If he did not stop with his violently angry outbursts directed towards me I would call the police. I said that I greatly regretted that he has created this abyss in our relationship and that I would like to see if we could correct it- but if he used sarcasm or insults at all, I will not engage in conversation with him. I did not react to his anger at all. I asked him to examine why he goes straight to rage when the topic is brought up. I told him if he gets sarcastic or insulting I will simply not talk! He did some talking but did get sarcastic so I had to leave. Since then he has been extremely courteous and comforting. I have been in a lot of pain and he has gone to great lengths to care for me.. This though is his trademark. He is very “dutiful“, if that is the correct word. He has been very helpful, attentive and made sure that I felt as good physically as I could. For him this counts as empathy, he does not understand about emotion anymore. I have asked him that we talk about our issues and with him, it is an impossibility for him to approach me to discuss our relationship. Is it just him? Why does it always have to be me to bring up and discuss our problems. If I were to talk to him right now he would exclaim that he has done nothing wrong, that he has been taking great care of me, and the kids (which is true - when he is around). He just doesn’t see that by ignoring the issues that we have - they will not go away.
He has continued to avoid the family and it has really begun to hurt the kids - they are now crying every time he leaves the house, even if it is just to go up to the local market quickly. This is the issue I initially brought up that prompted this thread. I said to him that I felt he is hiding from his family and home at work. He did not believe me in the very least at the time I bought it up. But these last few days, with the way the kids have been acting (unprompted by anyone) I am hoping he see’s it finally. The problem is getting him to actually TALK about it.
Thanks Zygo - I honestly don’t know what to do. If .. If this, if that,…I keep thinking in a loop!
Hi ginnie - Because the kids are still home for another week I will not be able to search for a therapist until they go back to school. Keeping things maintained until then is all I can concentrate on. I feel so in limbo, and walking on egg shells at the same time. Yet he seems so oblivious. He thinks that if he is being attentive then things are all right.
Thank you for “novel” daniella. I do some journaling, and it does help a little. But what has really helped me the most has been writing here. I can’t tell you how relieved I am when i find that someone has written back to me. And I don’t just need platitudes. It is great to hear all the comments, feedback, advice. I am still not sure what path I will end up on, but by being able to come to this site and keep my thoughts clear and expressed I am able to remain calmer through-out the day. I haven’t done the letter idea yet - I’m going to give it serious consideration. Yes, I understand what you say about baggage. Sort of. Sometimes my baggage rests nicely, other times its all tossed around. I would love t o keep up the communication with you!