Hugs! First you can't help others if your struggling with your own issues. If your not mentally or physically healthy you can't be there for your family. So I'm sure hard but right now you need to be number 1. Now I'm not a mom but I'm in my 20's and I know when I was having issues in the past and not being responsible my mom had to stop helping me. She would be there for me to support emotionally but not to allow me to continue down a bad path like enabler. I know its a tuff spot for you because of your grandchild. I do think your d needs limits and expectations. I know you say she doesn't have enough money and can understand needing help but that help should come only if she is responsible. If that means working 2 plus jobs. It sounds like your the peace keeper and I bet your d knows you will do anything for her. I know for my mom for many years would do anything and even if I made HUGE mistakes out of love. It was really hard for her to say no more and I think for some it may have not worked but for me it MADE me get my life together. I had no choice. Of course I did have some slips or let me show mom times but I learned the hard way it just shooting myself in the foot. Can you talk to your d about how this is effecting your health? As for medical, I think if you go to a psych or your doc even they can help you get disability which would allow for longer. Hugs and take care of YOU!That is being a good mom!

I love my family!
My Ex-Husband, his wife, My daughter (older one) her fiancee, the baby's father, my younger daughter, and myself all sat down last night and came up with a plan. Everyone agreed and we all walked away happy!

AND I have an appointment with my Therapist on Tuesday morning, to see if maybe I can get a week off just to get some "rest".

NOTES:
Daughter #1 works from home, so she is able to do emergency back up care if we need itl AND, she will help me with chores at my house if I have some bad PN days.
Ex-husband's children attend same school and day care as granddaughter.
Ex-husband gets off work at 3pm.
I start work at 8:30am.

PLAN:
Daughter #2 (One that is making me crazy) is moving out next week.
Baby's father is working during the day and attending school at night. He will have baby every other weekend and pay child support to me.
Granddaughter will live with me.
I will take granddaughter to school every morning. I do this already, it's not a big change.
Grandfather (my ex-husband) will pick her up along with his children at 3:30pm every day. Take her home with his children and feed her dinner and she plays with them until I get off work. (Currently daughter #2 picks her up and feeds her McDonalds or whatever drive thru she can and drags her around with her all evening while she goes to her friends houses and does whatever she feels like. The baby usually gets home around 10:00 and doesn't get to bed until 10:30 or 11:00)
When I get off at 5:30, I go by and pick her up from them. If I have errands, etc. I can leave her there until they are done, as she has alread had dinner.
I take her home with me, give her a shower, read her books, do her bed time routine. Teach her what it's like to have a "normal" schedule.
I will not have to feed her dinner during the week, as she will have dinner with Grandpa and his family every day. It is a healthy place for her to be after school! She is 4, his children are 5 and 7.
Daddy gets her every other weekend, and mommy gets her every other weekend.
She is NOT allowed to spend the night with either of them if they have someone else spending the night! She is to come home. (To my house)
If I have a date or plans for a weekend night, Daughter #1 can babysit, as she has a step-daughter the same age as granddaughter and they get along very well.
We agreed that Daughter #1 will only babysit for me overnight once a month, and I will do the same for her once a month. (However, her step daughter goes to her mom's every other weekend, so that's not likely)

We thought it would be very hard to convince Daughter #2 to give up her daughter, but I've been dropping this idea to her a lot over the last six months and she has been thinking about it a lot, and finally, she has admitted it is the best thing for her daughter!

I'm so happy! The whole family is working together to give this child a better life. She has been with me since the moment she was born. I gave her the first bath in the nursery at the hospital, cut her cord, all the things that daddy's do. Her mommy was just a baby when she had her. Her parents were not old enough or mature enough to have her. They tried, and realized that they need to do more growing up themselves before they are responsible for another life.

I knew the plot sounded familiar. Here's the link:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095238/

When I saw this movie, I kept saying to myself. "She lost her child because she has a sex life"???? Opened my eyes big time!!!!

Melody

Well, of course we are concerned that she is having safe sex and not getting pregnant again... but mostly we are concerned about the child.

It's that she basically neglects the kid because she is 20 years old and is too busy being 20 and not being a mommy. She loves her very much. She just doesn't want to live up to the responsibility of being a parent.
She just wants to be a typical 20 year old more than she wants to be a mommy.
When she was 16 and making the decision to "keep" the baby... not to abort, not to put the baby up for adoption, not to... bla bla bla... she was much to young and inexperienced to see this far down the road. To realize that when she was old enough to be independent and single and autonomous (sp?) that she might not want a 4 year old to be responsible for. It was all glamorous and fun then.
Now we have all grown attached to the child, and no one wants to see her (the baby) become this 40 pound anchor that is attached to her mothers waist. We want to see her thrive and become a strong healthy individual who will not be a lost soul or another teenage mother as she grows up.

Thank you all for your support! That's why I love you guys!

Terri

Terri:

Thank god you didn't tell all of us to "butt out". You had the intervention. Good job. Good decisions all around.

Mind if I ask where daughter #2 (the one that's driving you crazy), is moving to??? Does she work??

I see more and more grandmas raising their grandchildren, because their kids (mainly daughters), got pregnant early on, couldn't hack the responsibility, then turned to their loving mothers, who can't see giving the grandkid away, (the girls count on this by the way, I've spoken to many of them). I've heard 16 year olds say "I knew my mother wouldn't throw us out, she loves the baby". And the mom and baby get food stamps, benefits, the mother goes out all night long and the loving grandma is the one that raises the child.

Want to know how many of these stories end up? I know because it's going on around the corner from me, next door from me and across the road from me. When the 16 year olds finally grow up, and the baby is now 9 or 10, (being raised by Nana, as most of them are called around here), well, the now 26 year old daughter has met a guy, gets married and takes the kid and ups and leaves. Want to know what happens to the grandma when that happens?? She has a breakdown because she has given her heart and soul to the daughter and to the grandaughter. I have known many a grandma who is going to court to try and get custody because she "lost her grandaughter" when the daughter and the kid move in with the guy and they "make their own family".

I once asked my friend, who was going through this "aren't you happy that your daughter is finally mature enough to be married and take care of the kid and the guy will support them and give her his name?". The answer was "are you out of your mind?, this is my grandaughter, I've raised her for 10 years, they're not taking her away from me".

I know a very nice woman who owns a house with 3 floors. On the top floor is the grandparents, on the second floor is the 38 year old son, his 29 year old girlfriend and their new baby. The son has a 4 year old and the mother of this 4 year old is out of the picture.

So where does the 4 year old eat and sleep? Upstairs with the grandparents who have raised her since she was born. The son wasn't mature enough and the mom wasn't stable.

So what does the son do? He has his girllfriend move in, and they have their own baby. They pay no rent (but they had another baby???)

And the grandmother has MS, and adores this 4 year old.

I hear these stories all the time. Years and years ago, people grew up, met their loves, got married, had children.

But now, all that is changed. They are fooling around earlier and earlier, not using protection and the grandmas are raising all these kids. And they are investing all their emotional love and finances and they really don't mind doing this because a grandma is a sweetheart. But when the daughter takes the kid and moves away, the poor grandma is left alone, and will say "what do I live for now???"

When the hell did life change so much and kids started to do things backwards, have kids, let grandma raise them, then grow up, move out and take kid with them. I have seen this so much, it's amazing.

Seams: You are an excellent mother and grandmother. You have a heart of gold. I am happy that you found a way to make all of this work.

Your family is so lucky to have you, I can't find the words.

All the best,

Melody

P.S. Now go and light some candles and take a nice long hot bath. You deserve it!!!

That thought went through my head... and it's stuck there. I do expect it someday. I believe it will happen someday. However, the fear of that happening in the future is not bigger than the fear of me watching this little soul suffering being thrown in the back seat of a car (not in a car seat and without a seat belt most of the time) with a bag of french fries and a coke while her mother drives all over town arguing on the cell phone with her boyfriend, or lying in bed all day Saturday and Sunday with a hangover while her child runs around unsupervised and unfed.
It's just not a good place for the child to thrive.
When she is 10, we will deal with that then. But for now, her grandfather and I want to give her the best foundation we can. Despite her mother.

"But for now, her grandfather and I want to give her the best foundation we can. Despite her mother."

And you have my dear, you most certainly have!!! Some day, when she's all grown up, she'll remember and she'll say "Grandma, you were there for me".

So give yourself a hug. You deserve one!!!

Mel

Indeed you hit the nail on the head! 16 is extremely young to be having children and making life long choices. I am sure your daughter is feeling like she is "missing out", and may be overcompensating at this stage.

She may even be craving love and acceptance from the male species, as it appears that the father of the child is settled down.

I think a good old fashioned one on one with mum, is what I would be doing, and spending as much time with her and giving her that love and acceptance and role modeling that only a mum can really offer.

Good luck Terri, and don't neglect your own health in this process.

Wow - that was quick! I am very glad that you did not just assume that the "problem" was over and things would be just fine. Hopefully, a number of things will be much better -- I am happy that you have a therapist that you can talk to you and that you are planning to bring up the idea of a little time off.

Even if you decide not to take leave of work right now, it is very important for you to know that the option is there. It is all a part of taking care of ourselves. Sometimes the hardest part of that can be asking for help . . . sounds funny, but I know many here struggle with just that very thing.

Everyone is right in pointing out the danger that could lie ahead -- if mom decides to become primary caretaker again down the road. I know that you have to do what is best right now, without worrying about what could happen. Grandparents' rights are an evolving judicial area. Of course, like almost every other legal issue, they are behind the times and culture. California had done a bit more than most other states -- not so much in terms of "protecting" grandparents, but because many family law courts in CA include the role of primary custodial parent, regardless of which person is actually fulfilling that role.

Anyway, no more about this . . . as you say - you really don't want see any custody or even visitation battles develop. So, good luck with the new plan!

rafi

Good for you!! For all of you! That's really wonderful when people can put aside everything else to pull together in a situation such as this. I'm so happy for you that you've found a workable solution.