[Mslday]

I think that the fear of this dreaded diagnosis is my worst enemy.

Sometimes I'm paralysed into believing that I can't go on, other times I wake up with that fighting spirit that says, "no you're not going to get me, "I'll teach you Mr RSD about who's really in control" only to be knocked down time and time again. It's an ongoing battle for me and frankly I'm getting quite tired of it. I dread the thought of winter rain and snow around the corner. Should I resign myself to this fate or keep fighting? They tried to teach me that "pain is my friend" in the pain management program and I still can't accept that. Pain is no friend of mine and I'm certainly not inviting him to my party. I ignore the pain signals as much as I can until the exhaustion of the spreading throbbing burning deep bone pain screams loud enough that I have to finally listen.

My husband says I have control issues. I laugh at that now, finally accepting that he’s right. But what can I do with that knowledge, it's who I am. How does one change such deeply rooted personality traits? Laughter does make it easier to accept it, but that still doesn't change the facts.

Why do I have to battle like this day in and out? It makes my so tired and vulnerable. How many of you do this? Am I alone in this battle or do any of you also have this struggle?

I could be considered by many as fairly functional as far as RSD goes, although I lot my job 3 years ago and still haven't returned to work. I don't know who in their right mind would hire me with all my quirks and sudden onsets of pain flares and frequent medical appointments. I'm just not the dependable employee type I used to be. Has any one here been successful with inventing your own job through self employed that helps you to manage the daily management of RSD pain?

I need to work again, cause I need to find purpose in my life. I know that I have so much to offer I'm just not sure how to go about getting started. Any suggestions would be welcome.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling here, I just though I should write my true feelings for once instead of hiding behind my "I'm OK facade"

Hoping you are all are in a good space and pain levels are manageable.

MsL