Hello folks.
My step mother died back on her birthday in june. (We both share the same birthday), She'd been my step Mom for 35+ years, and because she lives in FLA, (My father passed back around 92), I haven't seen her much, lately.
She's had cancer for a decade at least, and refused chemo, she insisted on using nothing but prayer. And, it surely helped, she lived to be 90!

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that, but I do have a question.

I couldn't make it to her service/funeral today.
She had to be brought up from FLA, etc., reason for the delay). I went and got new clothes. Ordered some real nice flowers, thought I was ready. Today the temp went to 102 degrees.

When I woke, my feet were all swollen, with my calves, and the pain was wicked. No way could I get shoes on, maybe sneakers. My stomach ached from my 'nerves' worrying. While I can't stand the heat, (I'd have had a heatstroke if I attempted it), the A/C doesn't quite do either. That dam cold air blowing..
I'll call one of my step sisters tomorrow.
Nobody from my side of the family called me, when I didn't show.(my brother, cousins).
(I lived with this Lady for many years, and I was the closest to her, (my side of the family).

I'm having difficulty dealing with the guilt. It's hurting, it's still cranking up my bodily pain. And, of course, my heart is broken.

How would you feel, if something like this happened to you?
I seem to get 'worked up' for these sort of public events, or anything I know is going to stress my body, I lose my concentration (TBI), and I spin out.

A good friend with RSD told me, this kind of thing happens. Not to worry. But I do!
Any comments would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Pete
asb

I totally understand how you are feeling but the main thing you have to remember is that your step-mother knew you loved her. She's not here to know you didn't make it to her funeral. She is watching over you and knows why you didn't.

I didn't make it to either of my sisters funerals. It was 1200 miles away though. I did go down when my one sister was going through the last of her bout with cancer and spent time with her and my other sister. I talked to my oldest sister on the phone the whole time she was dealing with her cancer. The one went through chemo and radiation and the other didn't and let me tell you the one that didn't actually suffered less in my book. My brother that died of cancer also opted not to have treatment and he went through less. I now have a brother going through chemo and radiation and when I saw him, he was not doing good. By watching them I have already told my Dr. I will let him walk me thru it without those treatments if and when the time comes.

I still miss all 3 of my siblings more then anything. I think we just have to remember the good times Don't feel guilty for the one day you couldn't go to see her, remember the years you did.

I hope you feel better soon. Think about some of the fun times you had with her and that will put a smile on your face.

Ada

Oh Pete,

That was a very hard decision to make. But, from what you described there was not way for you to make it. I am so sorry for your sadness. I understand how you feel. I am sorry that your siblings do not understand what you are going through with your RSD and everything else that is going on. Don't feel guilty, your step mom knew that you loved her and maybe that was not the way that you wanted to say goodbye. Funerals are very sad, you have fond memories of your step mom and those are the good memories to keep.

I am sorry for your loss and I hope that you are feeling better soon.

Sandy

I am so sorry for your loss Pete...my step-mother is my "Bonus Mom" and she is the greatest gift our dad gave us...I understand your dilemma...it seems at the times we need to do something important, RSD holds us hostage...
Praying for you always,
Cindi

Hi Pete,
I haven't been on the boards for a while...got some challenges goin' on...but I was compelled to answer your post...

My heartfelt thoughts and prayers go to you in the passing of your Stepmom..it sounds as though you had a loving relationship despite the distance and the time lapse...

It's sad enought to lose someone, and it must have been compounded for you when the heat got in the way of your loving intentions. I'm sorry for the pain and the swelling and discomfort you are going through with the heat...

Pete, since you weren't able to go to the funeral, it might be helpful for you to honor your stepmother in some way at home such as light a candle for her,
or write her a letter from your heart, or when it cools down a little, get away to a place in natue, (a park or a little wooded area close by) and say whatever comes from your heart to your stepmom...
It will help to have some closure for you..and it will be very meaningful because it will be your own, and it will come from your heart..

There is no room for guilt, when love abides in your heart and your intentions are good.
I'm sorry you didn't get calls from your family....maybe they're dealing with their grief...so many different emotions surface when we lose someone...

I hope the heat lifts soon for you so that you can start feeling physically better....and I hope you are kind to yourself...
love,
from Hope4thebest

Hey Pete,

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was very special to you and I'm sure there are many special memories that you have of her. Think of those through this difficult time. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to make yourself feel worse by feeling guilty. If your health would have allowed you would have gone. You made the right choice!!! Had you gone you could have ended up much worse and your step mother wouldn't want that for you. Death in its self is difficult to deal with add your uncontrolable health condition and it is even harder. Notice I said uncontrolable don't feel guilty about something out of your control.
Your step mother was a women of faith and chose prayer as her sustainer. You need to do the same right now. Ask God to cover you with his peace that passes all understanding. You know it works when you live with RSD/CRPS His peace is essential to our ability to cope.
Take care my friend,
Sherrie

Pete...

My heart breaks for you..I am so sorry for your loss..This is a tremendously sad time for you..Please, don't be too hard on yourself as you have alot on your plate right now...You did exactly what your body was telling you at the time and keep your memories in your heart...Many times thru out our lives we second guess ourselves..we care but have to recongize that we have to follow our pain levels and condition at the time..RSD rules when it comes to our daily capabilites...Please, make a donation in your step Mom's memory... hold her love in your heart and speak to her..she is right with you and she, I am sure, understands...as far as others..plain and simple..they don't feel what we do.. our limitations but it does not mean you didn't love her any less...as your broken heart is proving to you right now... Think hard in best to honor her and be at peace with yourself... again..I am truly sorry...

You have us here...Kathy

Pete, don't be hard on yourself, we can only do what our bodies let us do. Your stepmother will be with you always, and she will understand that your health just would not cooperate. She would not want you to suffer more if you did go. I'm so sorry about your loss, but you tried,lining up the flowers getting yourself prepared to go and then bam, Tha RSD kicks in and there is no way you can go, That happens to me with crazy things even fun things that I am looking forward to that when the time comes I can't go, it sucks. Don't ever think badly of yourself because you can't do things, it happens to all of us. I can't even count the things I've missed good or bad. Give yourself a break, Remember your stepmother knows how you feel.
Your friend Wendy

Hi Pete.

I am so sorry for the loss of your step-mom. It breaks my heart reading how terrible you feel about not being able to go. I agree with everyone's replies, and I think you should rest and honor the memories of her. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with her.

Please, Pete, believe that she understands and would not want you to hurt any more than you already do. My hero, my Grandfather passed last year. The day after I was diagnosed while my Husband was away on business. I was devistated, heartbroken, and terrified of my new diagnosis. I was able to attend the funeral and deal with all the "Family business" (which included alot of unpleasant dealings with family members). I didn't get a chance to absorb it all and feel like I let him down.

I have since bought a sun-catcher in the shape of the Irish Trinity. (We are Murphy's, the most Irish of Irish). It hangs in my kitchen and every morning the sun shines into it and lights the whole room up. I feel that is when I communicate with him and feel his warm loving embrace surround me.

Maybe you can create a momento that is reminicent (sp?) of something special that you and she shared. I also found that I tend to draw near to my sun-catcher more when I am troubled or blue. It has brought me great comfort to just feel closer to him.

Please rest easy, my friend. Your Step-Mom knows just how much you love and miss her.

Thank you for sharing these deeply private feelings with us. "May the Lord bless you; and keep you. The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24 NIV.

Much Love to you Friend.

Kim

Thanks so much to all who wrote! I'm in a total reverse sleep cycle now and the pain is devouring me. I'll be back, in the meantime, your kind thoughts and prayers comfort me!

love to all,
Pete