Thanks for the input gang !

D......I have tried family therapy with the kids before. Hubby refused to participate (big surprise). It took a few tries to find a therapist that was a good fit. We eventually did, but the kids still didn't really take it very seriously. We stopped for awhile because of the huge bills when I had to cancel appts with less than 24 hour notice d/t bad pain days when I couldn't drive and hubby refused to. I've had problems with the 16yo over the summer with him getting physical with me twice, so I called to try to restart therapy and now that therapist has left the practice.

There used to be therapists in our area that did home visits, but it seems like budget cuts have eliminated that.

Bob.......Yes, I do need to work on my cause and effect with having better consequences. I think I am guilty of severe procrastination.......maybe when I get to the next pain clinic they will be able to offer me more help and then I will get my crap together. Unfortunately, I've spent years putting off direct confrontation of this. Time for a new plan !

Call this my coming out party......now hold me to it guys !

Oh Finz, Don't be so hard on yourself. Do what you can and leave the rest. I survived two teenagers so I can relate to some of your frustrations with them. The good news is that they are both still alive, so I guess that things eventually got better. I hope that you enjoy your much deserved vacation. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lisa

Just so much you don't need to be dealing with along with your RSD..I have always said 'this is why birds eat their young'! I have always been the tough love kinda of Mom.. As in..Oh you don't want to wear your jacket, it's 30 degrees outside??? Well, young man..freeze.. you'll wear tomorrow, I bet! Lots of time kids love just the attention these stressful behaviors cause..even if it is negative attention..it's still attention and control on their part.. How about this one..Oh it's 10 pm..you need your football jersey cleaned for the morning ...well..you hike down the steps..start the wash and now YOU stay up and be sure it gets in the dryer!! Good night, iam going to bed now... The cool side of all of this is I do this with a smile on my face..no cross words or arguing just plain ole' Iam the no can do MOM! Sorry its not possible... I guartentee the next the he needs his jersey done. He'll either ask me earlier OR wear it dirty..My ole' famous line is 'pick our battles'..Since my RSD, I have trained myself NOT to place expectations on nobody..as to protect myself from being dissappointed when others don't perform as they should..(actions or verbalizations)... as I know my limits now with RSD and sorry but RSD pain comes first..it's reality and that is on my plate, not theirs, least not as much as mine..so when we are talking selfish behavior, I can be the masteress-es!!..AND if they don't show me compassion or respect then I don't return it..when they get around to sharing concern and compassion for me then I will return it then and only then! The trick is doing it all with a smile on my face and heart!!

Finz..hold in there..We all want you to feel better and are right along beside you on this!!!

You are loved!!

Kathy

Last year after some rather life altering surgeries on my old body my wife's health also tanked and so our home for the first time in 26 years of marriage just wasn't a place I'd call home. Instead of having a picture perfect 24 hours a day type home, we were living in an absolute state of confusion. The worse the house became the unhappier I was. Then my family over 2,000 miles away said there were two solutions. Either they come back complete with both legs and a strong back and get our place put back together or they hire someone that would save them hours of flight time and who'd be around forever more. After one week of having a lady and guy help me get the major stuff reorganized we then found a great lady who comes in just once a week for 4 hours that takes care of all the chores I just can't make this old body of mine do anymore. Our world changed and once again I'm sane.

It's not that we don't still have our chores, but I had to admit the sad fact that I just couldn't do everything I use too. A huge amount of humility was due and I was the one who had to learn it. Now my family sends me a check for $250 a month and I've got my wonderful Shannon who helps us keep our home ready for company - no matter when they drop by. Instead of paying psychologists to "talk" it over, you're in need of a more physical type help. It sounds like your money would be much better spent with some who'd help you physically get your home and life back in order. Then get the baseball bat out when the rest of the family starts to make "their" mess.

Your second posting about your kids being upset over "you" not doing what "you're" suppose to do is what pushed me over the top. It's time they learn that life isn't a free lunch program and that we spend our entire lives working out tails off for whatever little amount of security we finally manage to build up over decades of laborious hard work. Taking care of ourselves and home is just a part of the big picture along with years of often boring and tiring work that at times gets us nowhere. If they'll just learn that labor is a good thing, not some horrible thing to avoid, they'll find out that life is a whole lot more enjoyable across the board. If there's something such as play stations or TV or anything else that's stopping them from being a productive part of your family, maybe it's time they go away till they finally start pulling their own weight. I know they'll scream bloody murder. Let them, but meanwhile you'll be on the path to sanity. Getting our lives back in order isn't always easy, but it's darn well worth the effort no matter how painful. They either learn it today or later when they're out worrying about how they'll pay the bills, but they will learn it someday.

Part of being a great parent is to show them why working is really a great thing. Being broke in a filthy rat trap isn't much of a way to live, so maybe now's the time to show them why working hard is the only way to go.

Meanwhile, please get some help and then take whatever appropriate action that's necessary to keep your place cleaner and you more contented. Wishing you all the best and if you'd like my baseball bat it's on the way. I had kids too. Bob.

I'm a Grandmother of a 16 and 17 year old. They both have their license now.
I was wondering if your 16 year old has his license. If he's reliable you could let him help with taking the 14 year old places and also doing some grocery shopping for you.
Dustin did this until Devin got his license Monday. If you gave him some responsibility that might help and you can always take away the keys if he doesn't help with the chores or driving
As far as your husband, before you sit down as a family, I would sit down with him so he will know not to treat you the way he does in front of the kids and that he will go along with getting them doing what they need to do.
Our boys didn't straighten up overnite. Travis and Susan have had to work on them when they were each about 14. There for awhile, they were ready to give them both away.
Saturday night at Devin's party a friend brought up the fact that one of the 16 year olds in our group had gotten in trouble. As we were talking, I ask her if she knew what it meant, she said yeah, OMG look what we've done. LOL It's never too late though to get them doing chores and acting their age.
Susan has developed high blood pressure so thats when Travis cracked down on the boys and told them they had to help more and act like adults. Of course it wasn't that gentle. LOL
I am glad you are in councelling. I think that is a must going through what we go through with the RSD. It is physical and mental.
Enjoy your trip and ask your councellor for some advice on how to get the kids on the right track and the hubby.
Ada

By the way, I was excited in August when Dustin got his license. No more being a cab driver as a Grandma. I think I did it more then Mom and Dad.

He does have his learners permit....takes drivers ed starting in December. In Mass you have to be 16 1/2 to get your license, so hopefully in January he'll be good to go. He'll have to get a job then to pay for his car insurance, etc too.

Bob might be right in that it might be time to start hiring a housecleaner again. I used to have one, but had to fire her after her assistant took some of my oxycodone. Right after that, I noticed a lot of jewelry and my Ipod missing. Of course I couldn't prove it, but I can guess who took it. Because of that my husband will have a cow when I say I want a maid again, but I just can't keep doing this.

I just don't get my kids and the mess. Everyone has vacuuming and dusting , etc but damnit, the cleanup wouldn't be so bad if they didn't just throw trash on the floor (behind the couch and tv) and if I didn't have to call them back 37 times to complete one task !!!!!!!!!

At least I'm calm about it now

I'm fantasizing about rum drinks and warm weather........

Hi Finz,

I have to agree with bobojeff....Prior to my accident I was a stay at home mom for 12 years before I went back to work so naturally everyone was very comfortable with me doing everything. It was ironic that we had this long family meeting about mom going back to work FT. Had a small schedule for he kids they where 8 and 11 so they only stayed home for an hour or so and my neighbor kept an eye. They did not do much at the time but they did it. The I had my accident 7 days later after I went back to work. I am lucky I have extremely neat husband. Would you believe we have be married for 22 years together 30 and I have never picked up a piece of clothing that's his. He does't rinse the dishes the way I do and overloads the washing machine and the clothers don't get cleaned properly, but so what. The kids just had to do things after that I think they felt so sorry for me I really suffered for a long time before the RSD even came into play, plus we traveled into Manhattan at least 1 a week at one point and we live about a hour but could take 3 if there's traffic. It was a real nightmare. But not there 16 and 19 and expecially my daughter, does her own laundry, doesn't put it away folds it and lives out of the laundry basket, my son only is aloud to put in the dryer and fold, he's a bull in a china shop kinda of kid and spins that washing machine dial so hard I'm afraid he's going to break it and then it will cost me money. And I have learned the hard way to pick my battles, it's not worth it. If there not doing drugs, getting decent grades, have goals for there life then all is fine for me. Teenagers can be tough. Good Luck

gabbycakes

Come Monday.....


Pete
asb

lol Pete......good one !

Dear Finz

We all embrace you and want to offer any kind of help to fix this enviornmental pain you are living with! Heres the truth of it all: You are trying to live like a normal person but you arent. Your family is tearing you apart because you arent performing to their expectations of what a healthy mom should be doing! You need emergency counseling to improve your life. You cant clean your cluttered home by yourself or fix all the meals and clean up or drive everyone all over the city and be in horrible pain! YOU NEED HELP NOW! Your family is rude and need a reality check.

I went from being a normal mommy of 14 yr old twin girls with a hubby, had gallbladder surgery and have been bed ridden since..long story. My hubby is a stay at home care taker of me and literally waits on me hand and foot because i cant do for myself very much. I work from home on the telephone and computer selling office supplies. I earn th money he does all the rest. I feel horribly guilty and dont know what my future holds but my family cares for me and my illness/disability. My girls are 19 now and away at college but they call me at least twice a day and face book with me at night.

Either walk out on your family or have an intervention and get them on board to help you. you deserve love and respect. You are deserving and worthy of good. and if they arent willing to step up to the plate, someone else will. I know its hard to be strong when you are sick. I just want to say YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!! Get help now!
love and blessings
Lori