[cndangel]

Hi all,

Wish I was posting on the board to let everyone know things have improved for me. Sadly, that is not the reason for this post. I know many of you have been suffering with RSD a lot longer then me....but I am hoping you all can relate to how I have been feeling lately.

About a week and half ago my forearm swelled up about 3 times the size of normal. The swelling has gone down now, but has left me with red dry patches that a friend has said "it almost looks like shingles". My doctor has given me a pain cream to help with the sensitivity of it....not finding it does much at all. I can't put long sleeves on to cover it up as it seems to irritate it more. Of course if I am able to go out in public people notice it right away and then their eyes are drawn to my discoloured fingers/hand as well. Some sales persons have even asked "whats wrong with your arm?" I just tell them I was injured at work and there are issues with my nerves now in the arm.

Lately, I am really struggling with the "why me's". Why did this happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? I know its not the most healthy way of thinking. Yet, I find myself constantly thinking that way. I use to be such a positive person before my injury/rsd. Now I can't seem to stop thinking negatively. A friend told me that its a normal part of the process. Almost like grieving. She said denial, anger and depression all happen during this process. Maybe she is right, but all I know is I am sick of feeling this way.

Of course, my doctors solutions are to take more pills. Add an anti depressant and in 4-6 weeks I should start feeling a change. Well I agreed to try anti depressants and do hope they help...but what is one to do in the mean time? I am still on the waiting list to go see a psychologist that specializes in helping people with chronic pain. I am hoping I will get in soon.

Anyways, I just had to talk to people that maybe understand these feelings I am having. I have a very supportive husband, family and friends...and I do talk to them, but I don't think they truly understand the anger and sadness I am feeling. They try, but I understand its hard for them to get the level of pain I am in 24/7 due to this.

Am I wrong for being angry and wondering why me? I just want my life back and my right arm/hand again. I want to pick my 2 year old up again and be able to play with her again like I use to be able too. I want my independence back! Not have to have everyone else do things for me....

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my rambling...feels good sometimes just to let it out and know there are people out there that care enough to read it and respond back...and most importantly they truly understand!

Take care,
Karen