. I tire of crying , I'm physically tire of this pain and lack of sleep. I am riddled with guilt to what this is doing to my wife and kids. Im afraid of the direction this is going, worse and worse. Im tired of no results , of no real forward motion in my treatment. I sit and watch as my life passes me by while I cry and writher in pain. this beast also interferes with the lives of my wife and kids as each day they try to plan out can change as quick as a flash of lightning. I also am losing my ability to control my reactions to the pain I feel. I and crying in pain all the time , the pain shows more in my facial expressions causing my wife and kids unease. also my friends are affected when they come to visit with my family. It causes discomfort among them as they do not know how to react.
I am alive and I "am" grateful for this but I wish i could regain some ability to hide what I feel, pain,emotion. I am saddened of course, I'm angry almost all the time lately . aside from my pain. I get uo and push myself to walk and "do" things. but It is getting harder and harder to push through the pain and the pain is spreading.my hands are becoming harder to use as well. my wrists are giving in between the pain and weekness with is beaching more prominent it is making using my canes and walker more and more difficult. the burning ,electrifying pain in my legs and my belly , back and other below the waste areas, its scaring me . losing my legs completely takes away a lot of my aspirations. I cannot dance now as it is but I wish to still dance with my dghtr at her sixteenth birthday, walk her down the isle and dance with her when she decides to get married. Ive already lost the ability to play sports with my boys, to do the work around the house in which should be done by me if it weren't for this beast. I tire of trying to get treatment I need but insurance denies it , or agrees to partial... Am I weak ? I believe I am strong willed but "today" I know RSD is kicking my ****. I just hope I can pick it back up and fight again.. thanks for listening