Overwhelmed would be an understatement. I am trying to wrap up my business and failing miserably. I have five children, three of which are still at home (1 College, 1 High School, 1 Middle School), and one grandchild. My husband works full time and goes college full time. I have a house, yard, and three dogs.

I tell you this to paint a small picture of my life. This disease is taking me over and yet I get up every day at 6:30 a.m. and try to push myself. I get up in the morning make four lunches, and kiss everyone as they head out for their day. I sit down at my desk and I am consumed with accounting duties, or doctor appointments, etc., and can’t seem to get to this last edit (I’m a video producer, or I was) out the door. Everyday about the time I am ready to work on it, I have to go take a nap. I am forced to rest, to let my legs and arms rest. I wake up and from shear will make my legs and ankles work. Go grab kids from school, then the drill of homework, dinner, etc.

I just want to cry; that I may miss yet another deadline with this project. I desperately want to finish and delivery it. I want the weight of the project off of me. I’m almost just plain mad about it. I can’t keep up. That’s really the bottom line. I used to work crazy amounts of hours a week. When I say crazy, I’m not exaggerating at all. I have come to terms, or at least somewhat, that I have had to cut WAY back on what can be accomplished in a day, but this does nothing to satisfy this project I’m working on.

To further complicate things, I am mad as hell that I can’t even do simple things like shopping without being crippled when it’s over. I am missing friendships that I can no longer maintain properly. It’s a lonely place to be in. I try not to dwell on this, but it bothers me greatly. Lord knows I try and try to just accept that this is what it is. Why are some days more overwhelming than others?

I don’t mean to be such a downer… but God this sucks!! Slowly losing my abilities and still trying to come to terms with it. Still I wake up every day and keep pushing. Once again I needed to vent.

Your story is mine! I have one boy 20, with his gf and her two bio kids and their first together on the way which then makes me a real Grammie even tho I claim the other two babies anyway, one 19 year old in college 2.5 hrs away on a good day, one 14 year old boy and the hubby I have to attempt to keep up but even washing 4 cups makes me tired. Not enough meds, coffee, chocolate or soda in the world to make it a complete day without down time. I just my real life back. The one where I could make. Real dinner, bake cookies, play with play dough and color with the kids. Every day I have chanted damn you complex regional pain syndrome don't mess today up! Sometimes it helps make it through a rough spot

And you know what sucks even worse on top of all that? Stupid selfish relatives that are just clueless, no matter how much you've told them! My RSD has been in remission for years, but I'm dealing with a chronic pain and immune system disorder, and my middle son has no legs and is in a wheelchair, and my daughter has RSD and has missed probably 70% of the first few months of school and we're trying desperately to catch her up (luckily I'm a math tutor and took physics years ago, so I'm tutoring her in those two subjects). My sister-in-law asked how I was a few days ago, and I said how exhausted I was dealing with all of those things, and she said "Oh, I know what you mean - I'm SO tired trying to get our new vacation home decorated! Finding sheets for the beds, trying to arrange for the painters to come and then they cancel! It's just exhausting!"

I kid you not; that was her response to me. I just want to cry. I am so SICK SICK SICK of pushing myself every day.

And then I got a sinus infection.

Arg!!!!!!

But there IS beauty, there IS love, and these illnesses can't take those things away.

I'm sorry for your rough time, Vrae. Have you tried going to paper plates and plastic cups? That helps a LOT sometimes. Just little things like that. I hope you can carve out some time to finish those projects! Good luck, and gentle ihugs

Oh Vrae, you're not alone with this one, it does indeed completely and utterly SUCK.

I know how hard we all fight not to do the 'poor me', and I don't think it's what you or we are doing here. Every now and then it doesn't hurt to acknowledge that this disease is

JUST SO DAMNED UNFAIR.

We try to be our 'normal' (ie pre-CRPS) selves, but the pain and tiredness and mobility stuff just keeps jumping up and screaming STOP at us. We try to ignore it and carry on, but eventually it gets us and we have no choice but to give in for a bit. I think that's what's happened to you honey, you've been working so hard to get this project finished, and pushing your mind and body, increasing your stress as the deadline looms....something had to give. I'm so sorry. You deserve better.

The whole point is that though it is a good thing to push ourselves to accomplish things, good that we don't just sit back and give up, good that we still have hopes and dreams we want to fulfil.....we are not the same as we were. Each of us faces limitations that this disease has placed on our lives, and we have to try to work with them. (I know you know this lol, I'm just soapboxing sorry cant help it sometimes, I get so mad at this thing.) I recall the therapist called it 'pacing' (Bram had a few things to say to her about that at first, I seem to remember!). It's not a bad thing to try hard, but Vrae my darling girl you are not superhuman. I think this project of yours would have tested the pre-CRaPS you anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am so full of admiration that you wanted to do it, that you are fighting so hard to finish it. That is true courage.

Is there no one you can ask for some help with other things like picking the kids up? Just until you finish this? I found that after the initial few months of this thing, I have to ask for any help from outside of my own four walls - people just don't see it. Grrrrrr at them all.

Anyway, after all that drivel, I suppose I'm saying hang in there. We have a saying in old Blighty.....don't let the b****rds grind you down. You are so strong Vrae, and you will get there, one way or another. Just promise me that when this is over, you will give yourself some space and time to heal with a bit of pampering and treats. You need a bit of me time

Take care, I'm rooting for you.

Bram

I don’t know how you do it mommystime2 if you have grandbabies at home with you. They are so precious, but I have to have someone here with me when mine comes over to spend time with us. There is a tremendous amount of guilt for me that I can’t be the Momma Rae, or Mom that I want to be... that I used to be.

My youngest child (11 y/o) is such a challenge and has been since she was a baby. Say black, and without a doubt she will say white. I’m (for the most part) pretty tough, and she makes me rise to the occasion everyday to meet her with that same stubbornness to keep her moving in the right direction. With CRPS this challenge is exhausting. It would be exhausting without CRPS too. I love my daughter, however she is forever working my last nerve.

After I wrote this thread last night, I went on to cook dinner. When finished I sat down in the living room to watch a TV show. When I was finished, it took several minutes for me and my husband to get me out of the chair. Then to walk to the stairs and then up the stairs was pathetic. My legs (my arms too but not as bad) refuse to work/move as my mind is instructing. They become dead weight and feel like noodles. When I got to the base of the stairs, all I could do was look up at the mountain I had to climb to get to my bed, and cry. My husband puts the walker in place at the top of the stairs, and comes back to walk each step behind me. At points literally standing behind me giving support and lift for the next step. It’s maddening that in those moments I just can’t will myself to move. <sigh>

This morning is better, but my ankles hurt like crazy from the residual of the day before. Now I will go put myself in front of my desk and once again try to getting things done. Inevitably by noon I will need a nap before the rituals of the afternoon and evening begin.

Thanks again for letting me vent. That seems like all I am doing on here lately. I can’t seem to find the time to participate properly and try to be more supportive of others on here. Surely at some point that will change.

SloRian, I couldn’t agree more that others are clueless. It remains invisible to others until I start tremoring, or simply cannot walk. Oh Wow SloRian… My heart goes out to you with your situation with your children. My oldest child was very sick when he was young. I basically lived in the hospital with him. I know what kind of energy it takes and I really do feel for your situation. And yes, your friend made a classic, clueless statement. I too love all the comparisons others make to my situation. When they’re done I say to myself “really?” and just go on about my day. Oh yes, paper plates are a definite help. So Sorry that you’ve got a sinus infection to boot. Ug! I hope you’re feeling better real soon!

Bram, you couldn’t be more right on. I was thinking to myself yesterday that all the stress that is at my desk is making me more symptomatic for sure. It reminds me of why I am trying to close that chapter of my life. And yet, it is also stressful when the bills keep rolling in and I use to have a way to contribute greatly to our finances. <sigh> Living without my income is hard and stressful. I know I am not alone with this. Many of us, if not all of us have had to endure the financial strain of our disease. I still have customers, new and old, who want me to do work for them. We need the money, and yet I am forced to say no. Flattered and P’d off at the same time.

Pacing hu?! Yeah… sure.. no problem. I bet you had a few things to say about that. I try (like I'm sure you do) and pace myself, but it’s damn near impossible. More often than not I just keep going until I drop. I do have to admit that there are days when I wake and do absolutely nothing. It’s like I am saying, not today… no increased pain today, tomorrow’s another day. I don’t do this often, but I do, do it.

Awe… courageous, that’s a compliment, thank you! Again you’re right; this project would have tested me in my pre-CRPS self. Now it’s just dead weight.

From time to time I do ask the older children for help, sometimes I straight up demand it lol. I ask for all kinds of things like grabbing kids from school, or dishes, or yard work, a run to the grocery store, you name it. I try and find balance with those requests. Whether I like it or not, they are busy too. School and jobs (the older two at home). I don’t ask as much as I need it because I guess I don’t want them to resent me. Besides I end up with a teenage result. Gosh I’ve tried to embrace that too. Saying, “Vrae, it’s good enough, it’s done, be happy with that, no matter how you could have done it better”. Lol

I will do just that when this project is all done (get some rest and recoop). You’re SO sweet! My plan is to catch my breath for sure, for sure. I have to admit that right now it just feels like the intangible goal. I will try not to let them grind me down.

So here I go….. Let the day begin. Thank you so much for your responses. What would I do without all of you? That would truly be a lonely place. I hope that you all have a good day!

Me too.

Make all those people make their own lunches! Why are you doing anything for them that they can do themselves? I have an 11 yo too, and she has mild autism, adhd and may end up being dx with bipolar. So much fun. At least I only have her.

When we moved last I insisted that we get a one story. It's a huge help. I can drag my feet along with no stairs.

The big issue I have is nobody seems to help me when I'm crying for help. Two nights ago I wanted DH to rub my feet. He wouldn't. I constantly ask for help with dinner, and he won't help and tells DD she needs to help. He won't cook at all, hasn't for the entire time I've known him. DD sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't. I can't blame her so much, she's a kid. I was talking to DH last night (again) about getting a maid once a week to help clean the things we don't want to clean (like the shower, mop the floors, do the real cleaning, not just pick up). He distrusts everybody so this is going to be a huge fight to just get somebody in a couple hours a week.

Work has been hard, I have a lot of brain fog. Then I end up putting all my energy into work and have no time for my family, both mentally and physically. I'm really hoping to change my work situation soon. I love my job, but I really shouldn't be working at all.

Hi Vrae,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't know how you keep up your busy schedule. Mine isn't as hectic as yours and I'm still exhausted from the pain, pills and surgeries. I try to force myself to get up everyday and get dressed and do as much as I can, but it's not much. I do find that walking a little everyday (or almost everyday) helps give me a little more energy. That along with my pain pills. I hope you can get some rest soon and feel better. Take care.

I understand your emotions on this Vrae, and like everyone else has said, I think you are already pushing all you can.
This is the place to vent and share because we "get it". If thoughts and prayers help - we're all trying to lend you strength and relief.
I too still try to do everything, but thankfully my kids are grown.
Easier said than done, but please try to delegate as much as possible to others and explain that your editing must be a priority. Then, at least you can get that off your "plate".
My situation pales in comparison but I do well remember what those very busy years are like and add the CRPS/RSD and YIKES! I don't know how you do it.
My family is also very insensitive to me and yet I still do all I can for them.
Make family dinners, pick up my G.daughter at a moments notice etc.

Oh yes husbands.....don't get me started, lol, mine is better at helping now that 2 children don't live at home tho. I also have my sister she gets paid to come in 13 hrs a week she helps with laundry floors n shopping. We go through a company that allows us to choose ppl we know n trust. I can't be alone w grand kids unless they are in car, I can't lift them anymore n I fear if they got hurt what might happen. Hubby n our 14.5 year old take care of them. But I get to play with them. People don't get this disease. True. But do we understand theirs? Ignorance is difficult to understand! Haha yes I'm extremely sore tonight and I'm bashing others, I shouldn't. Oh well