The rational side of me feels ridiculous for posting this but I'm on overload & need to vent. I well know we all have more serious issues on here.

In 10 months time I've lost so much of my former "normal" life. Work is replaced with Dr.s, proceedures, meds., pain and P.T. and everything else takes twice as long to do. I do still try and maintain as normal a life for my husband and family as I can and burden them as little as possible. I haven't let my appearance go.

I do take an antidepressant with with all my other meds.

My husband's weekend comes and I'm made to feel as if I must put my RSD/CRPS away and it's all about him. I try to tell him to go and just play golf or whatever, but no. So, I put on a happy face and try to keep up with whatever he wants. Then, we go see the movie "Last Vegas".

I don't know what's wrong with me I know it's just a movie but it was the last straw emotionally right now. I'm not mad at him I just feel so worthless!
The movie is supposed to be funny and light but my husband made laughing "eww" noises at the old ladies in bathing suits. (I know that's what the movie was going for) and "mmm,mm" noises at the teenage DD bikini models (again, what they were going for). The only middle age women who was regarded as o.k. was a gorgeous lawyer and singer, single and available.

I know I'm making too much of this but I can't help it! It takes so much effort to maintain what I still am! (Yes, we still have a sex life) sorry TMI!

I already feel diminished but to think he wants "mm,mm" when I feel "EWW". I just feel worthless and suididal now. I should just make him free of this burden.

Yes ma’am, I can completely relate, even on the timeline of the last year and my rapid decline. However you are WAY ahead of me on the appearance thing though. I don’t expend energy on that unless it’s either absolutely necessary or I just feel like it. So go you! I mean I keep up with personal hygiene, but make up and anything other than comfy PJ’s is optional for me.

You’re NOT worthless Az-Di! We are all grieving for who we used to be. Some days more than others.

After reading your post it makes me wonder how old your husband is. The reason I wonder this is because it sounds like he might be lacking the maturity to understand what you are dealing with. I don’t want to sound insensitive about this man that you love. I suppose I am being protective of you knowing EXACTLY what it feels like to put on a happy face to be in the world and appear “normal”.

Hollywood has a twisted view of what beauty is. Some of those types of movies are just plain stupid. For whatever reason, men mostly (sorry guys) enjoy those types of flicks. I wish I knew why, but honestly I really don’t get it.

A healthy sex life is good for many reasons. In jest I would tell my husband we need to have sex because the endorphins as a painkiller are much more powerful than morphine! Bonus, there are extra upswings and no headaches! I get headaches from opiates.

Whoa! Wait a minute! Please don’t think the only way out of these feelings would be to just end your life. I have to admit that I too have had moments of feeling like what’s the point? Here’s what I know about that, it will pass. You will feel differently tomorrow. I really think that a sit down talk with your husband is in order. I think if you (if you haven’t already) get real with him about how you feel, emotionally AND physically, perhaps it will bring some clarity for him. Explain how this movie made you feel. Explain what a toll this disease is taking on you and how that makes you feel.

Oh Az-Di, I wish I could hug you and tell you that it’s all going to be okay. One way or another. I’m not sure why any of us must suffer. But I am sure that life is a terminal condition. One way or another all of our bodies are deteriorating from the time we arrive. Living is not a race; it is a journey my friend. I heard something today that resonated with me. To be broken is no reason to see everything as broken. That meant a lot to me as I am ALWAYS referring to myself as broken, and it is easy to start to think that everything is broken, when in fact it is not.

Hang in there girl! You can do this thing called life. Don’t give up!! We are here for you!

Hi AZ-Di, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I felt that way last night when my husband and I were stressing about finances. It seemed to happen at a time when I was having a really bad rsd flare. I was having alot of pain and I wasn't due for my pain meds for two more hours. I usually take them every six hours and can deal with the pain, but sometimes like yesterday it wasn't enough. The stress from the pain and finances and my great aunt being sick made me want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. I had those thoughts I sometimes have of imagining my life ending because of the misery I was in and how I felt that I was just letting my family down. But then the pain finally subsided and those thoughts passed. Just like Vrae said. It was also what Tessa told me yesterday and Kevscar sent me a link for helping to cope at these hard times too. I texted here for help and support and as always, I got it. Tessa and Kevscar helped me get through as well as all the rest of you when I've needed it. I forget that it will pass when I'm going through the hard times, but it does. I have gained alot of weight since I've been sick, but am trying to lose weight again. As for men flirting or making comments to pretty girls, I think their almost all like that. I don't like it either, but it's what they do. It bugs me too when my husband does that, but I know he loves me so I don't take it personally. I don't think you should take it personally either. Like I said, I think it's just guy thing.
I know how hard it is to want to live when your life has been turned upside down from rsd, and I have moments when I feel the same way. But when those moments pass, I feel like I want to live and keep trying. I hope you keep trying too and try to hang in there. This too shall pass, it's true and we need you on this forum to help keep us going too.
Try to ride it out. It will be okay, not like it used to be, but okay in a new way. We're here for you like you've always been for us. You're not alone, so keep on trying to live to the fullest. I hope you feel better soon. Take care my friend. From your friend, Renee.
PS - You are not worthless! We need you and so does your family so hang in there!

Oh AZ-Di,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Pretty sure we have all felt like this at some point or many during our fight with this.

Men... I tell you they can be so mean without even knowing it. Oblivious to how undesirable we feel at times.. the body language, noises comments etc., only add to that. It isn't intentional.. they don't see us the way we see ourselves so they go on living, commenting and wanting the same things they did before CRPS (or other conditions) took root in our lives. It took me a long time to realize that though I want my husband to be sensitive I also don't want him to treat me any differently than he did before CRPS. In fact just this morning my husband was apologizing for hurting me during the night while he was trying to pull me in closer to him out of love and need. I replied.. I will suffer with the pain just don't ever stop pulling me in.. that would be more horrible in my opinion than the pain I will suffer, I need to know that he still needs and desires me and by doing what he does.. I know it!

My nerve injuries are located in my pubis and groin (the CRPS symptoms are in both legs and arms) so sex obviously has been a huge issue since even the slightest touch to my pubis area creates severe searing pain down my right leg. Early on.. I was so depressed my thoughts were similar to yours. I wanted to rid my husband of his burden physically, intimately and financially.. all I could see was the negative. But then one day we sat and talked about how I was feeling inside, how worthless I felt that instead of desire for him I was in fear of the pain, how my inability to work and think like I used to made me feel like a loser, how I was ashamed that I could no longer do things we have enjoyed for more than 15 years together.. ultimately I was plagued by fear of what this new life would be like and how I would find my purpose or worth in this new life and body wracked with pain. It was through that talk when I realized more than ever that there were so many things I bring to our relationship everyday even if I am broken. He shared with me his fears of touching me, we talked about intimacy in great detail and how even before all of this he looked forward to growing old with me (wrinkles, sags and all) .. I learned it didn't matter to him if our house was spotless and that he would rather me save my energy for our time together no matter how we spent that time. He is a big part of my therapy everyday.. I make sure he is a part of it whether that is sharing milestones of my therapy sessions (which also holds me accountable), doing desensitization or helping me do a chore I normally did on my own. Including him has made him feel important and helped him deal with the guilt he feels when he can't help me fight my pain. I learned he also needed a sense of "worth" in our new life. Intimacy is still a challenge pain wise but, we are learning ways to enjoy it even though it is painful.

Keeping up on appearance is way over-rated I've not been one to worry about makeup or high fashions but I do at least try to look good and keep my weight in check so as not to add more battles to my pile.. and if there is a good day I might go the extra mile for my husband and put on something other than yoga type pants It helps me too.. I feel better on the inside even if only for an evening. If something makes you feel good.. do it but, please don't put so much of yourself on outward appearance you are who you are because of what is inside!!

As a couple we have given up a lot of our previous life but, we have also found a few new joys/passions after CRPS. I can't do anything for very long but, the effort goes along ways with my husband, friends and family. The see me as determined instead of looking at me with pity.. that isn't what I want. We (I) try not to think "I will never do this or this again" but instead think maybe not today but hopefully tomorrow. I will never give up that is my promise to myself.

I reach out to others.. I find ways to put a smile on someone's face because I know now more than ever that a simple act of kindness can really touch someone life. We never know what someone (even strangers) are going through so I make it a point to engage in life more fully. lol.. I go to pool therapy where I have made several friends with the senior ladies, they have blessed my life in so many ways I can't even begin to tell you. Something I never would have done if it weren't for my new journey. Shoot.. I may not bring home a paycheck, cook the greatest meals or clean the house like I used to but I can surely put a smile on someone else's face even in my worst of pain.. that is PURPOSE!!

We never do know how our lives impact the lives of others.. in our pain it is hard to see but, I promise you that you are making a positive impact on many people around you without even knowing it.

I encourage you to talk with your husband.. I'm sure he loves you more today than yesterday regardless of your ailments!!

My heart goes out to you.. it hurts to be in this place and I hope you are able to climb out soon!

"I love myself"
"I love myself"

Here is a site someone shared with me when I was struggling with similar feelings, I hope it helps you as well!

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/anxi...llness-1219124

What a FABULOUS post my dear! On so many levels. Thank you for sharing.

Very nice post Tessa. It helped me alot too. I didn't know that you used to have some of the negative feelings that I have felt. The difference is that you turned them into a positive, where I am still stuck in negative mode. I've always been more of a pessimist, where my husband is more of the optomist. He's alot like you. He's always telling me to be more positive and make the most out of each day. I know I need to try harder or I will wither away in self pity. I used to be a person who believed life was precious until things got tough, like with my RSD, then I changed my point of view. I didn't want to think it was worth living if it meant I would have to live with this horrific debilitating pain everyday of my life. I know I flip flop alot with this issue, and have started to notice I do that when my pain level changes. When my pain level is lower I'm more positive and see life as a precious thing. When my pain level is really high, I start thinking that it would be better to end the pain then live with it because it's so unbearable. But then when the pain lessens again, I feel that I want to enjoy life to the best of my ability and live as long as I can with my loved ones and friends. RSD and other chronic pain causes quite the roller coaster ride not only with our bodies physically but also with our minds mentally. It's just one more spectrum to this disease I am starting to realize. I know I want to live and I want us all to fight to live to the best of our abilities. I know we are not worthless and we can contribute good things to this world no matter how big or small. We are contributing to each other by supporting each other through this chronic disease journey. I'm not as in as much pain today so my outlook on life is more positive. Next time I have a bad pain day I may change my mind again and say otherwise. But I'm going to write down things you've all said like "This too shall pass" and "Don't borrow trouble" and "That you've gotten through this before", to remind me that I can endure this and get through it again if I just don't give up. Maybe this will help me not be so negative the next time I have a bad pain day. I want to try to live life to the fullest and to try to help others be happy and do the same. I was confused at how I've been flip flopping about pro choice and pro life. I think I know now why. It's because of this rsd roller coaster ride. I think talking to all of you opened my eyes to that. I've felt for most of my life that life was precious and we should always value it. It seems that during the tough times like right now with this rsd, that I start to flip flop. I was told once that it's easy to have faith when things are easy, it's when things are tough and your faith is truly tested, that you find out how strong your it really is. So I'm going to try to keep the faith in good times and tough times that life if worth living and cherishing. And I'm going to try to help all of you to feel the same way. We are NOT worthless. We are survivors. We are here to help others to survive. We are here to share our wisdom and courage and strength and friendship. But most importantly we are here for each other to share our love. We can do that whether we are in pain or not. Love never dies. Not even chronic conditions can kill our spirit. It may take away our ability to function the way we used to, but it can never take away our ability to love and to care for others and to carry on. I hope a cure will be found someday, but in the meantime, I hope we can all remember how important we are to the people we love in this world. And how we should love ourselves too like Tessa said. RSD or any other chronic condition cannot take that away from us if we don't let it. It's taken enough, but it can't take our will to live, love and laugh. I hope you all have a peaceful night with happy thoughts of what tomorrow may bring. From your fellow rsd friend, Renee.

You got it Renee!! And always remember we all go through the roller coaster!! I cry, I get mad, I get depressed but.... what points me in the right direction again is thinking how awful it would be if I ended my life or gave up and let depression destroy me and then... my daughter was diagnosed with this or something else just as tragic??? I need to live as an example to her and to others who may face this or something else after me. Besides.. maybe one day one of us will be part of the cure! One never knows.. but ya gotta stick around to find out

You are a wonderful person Renee!

Thanks Tessa, you are wonderful too. And I think all of us on this forum are great and have so much to offer each other. I've learned so much from all of you. So we can't be worthless, because we are helping each other. And might I just add too that The New York Giants are awesome too! They won another game against the Raiders tonight. I needed that! Yahoo!