since i can't PM you i wanted you to know that i saw your website. you are a phenomenal artist (now i get the name) and i truly appreciate your work. as an artist myself (freelance graphic designer) i understand your passion.

i want you to know that i apologize for upsetting you. i re-read the entire post like you suggested and it was filled with loving gestures from you. the things that i said were out of my own pain and hurt and that is where my mind and heart was at the time.

i hope you are well. i hope your hands are pain-free and you can do what you love.

take care.
shalom,
angie

That's kind of you, Angie, I'm sorry for upsetting you too.

Matter of fact, I was more upset by how the thread finished up, and the fact that there was no trace of your post, the one that I had actually replied to. That wasn't your fault, it's just how the NT forums were doing things, but boy did it make for confusion.

I have since discussed the matter of the NT forums leaving no evidence of removed posts, you can see my post to Forum Feedback, and they have agreed to record them in future.

I hope that will go some way to helping readers understand the thread dynamics more clearly...which will hopefully help avoid the "backlash" thing which is so very unpleasant. Then maybe I can put PMing back on again, lol.

I hope you are doing better too; I don't know what's going on with my arms; combination of RSD, RSI and arthritis...creeping round my shoulders and neck now....whatever it is, they hurt like crazy and the more I do, the more they hurt.

Mmmm, yes, we designers do rather need our arms and hands (not that everybody doesn't)! I do have to work too, no choice; no money (literally don't have next month's rent) so no way out. Us freelancers, problems, huh?

Anyway, very nice of you to post, and thanks for your sweet comments on my work...if you have any of yours on line, you should give us an url!

take care, you should post us an update...
all the best

thank you, too, artist.

well, since you asked - here is my update.

i have left my husband for stealing my drugs and nearly pulling my (RSD) arm out of socket. i am living with my sister (9 of us in a 4 br. house). signed up for food stamps, healthcare, monetary assistance and the homeless coalition today. the transmission went out in my van yesterday. i found out my mom is dying of cancer and now i'm 4 hours away. i am having an absoultely horrible time with my arm and hands and truthfully when i lay down i can feel burning all over my stomach and chest.

i am weeping because i truly want to die. i feel that i have no one to give me encouragement other than this forum because everyone i know is pulling me in a million different directions. my husband has no remorse about giving me a horrendous flare with no meds. my sister and i are at each other. my (divorced) dad and mom want me home. my friends tell me to stay away because my husband is dangerous.

i know how you feel, artist. i have no money. i literally left my house with a baggie full of coins, a couple of baskets of clothes for me and the kids and my bike strapped to my van with extension cords. i can't work designing (pending logo project) or teaching music.

i feel so stupid depending on strangers to pull me up. but the people i know just don't get it. they just don't get it. i'm losing it and i'm sorry

i'm tired of my world crashing in on me day after day. there is no stability in my life and i just want finality

But you will get through it. I see that you're in the worst possible place right now, but you will - it takes a little time but, for your kids, hang in there; you will get through it. Keeping busy helps; yes, with constant pain it's very hard, but - don't know about you, the pain is with me whether I do things or not, so I figure I might as well be doing stuff, keeps the brain occupied with something different...

You will get through it, believe it
all the best.

i forgot

for some reason my mac won't let me edit posts.

thank you

Have you contacted your local Temple ( you sometimes sign off with Shalom) or church? They may be a huge source of help, each church is different, some more caring then others. Stress to RSD is like pouring gas on fire so please be extra kind to yourself and your children. A short walk together, reading a book together etc, may help to take your mind off of everything for a short time . So many people are having serious problems right now that it is hard to find words to express how much we want to help, but how little we can actually do. Your are in my thoughts and prayers for a future that is filled with loved and kindness and free from so much PAIN--NOONE should ever have physical contact with another person except out of love and respect. and more Carose

I left somebody like that too - all of a sudden, threw everything I had into garbage bags, grabbed my kids, clothes, very odd things off of shelves into the minivan - hit the gas pedal. It was quite a lovely mansion with our nanny living in the apartment over the garage and I had made beautiful gardens. But think of the gift and the legacy you've given your children: you are teaching and showing them that NOBODY has the right to treat them that way, and that they are NEVER to treat anybody that way themselves. and never think that they did not see or hear their father treating you that way... kids see every minute emotional detail. Their hearts are exquisitely open to everything around them.
You are in great pain right now, but you are every mother's hero, and you are your children's hero. Truly, you have sacrified yourself for them, and for all of the right reasons... the reasons that will lead to healing for all of you.

Wow Mollymcn!! Your "POST" says it all!! thank you!! "great Post Dear"! Love ya! love, Desi

thank you all for your encouragement - for helping me to see that i am doing the right thing for my children and me. thank you molly for calling me a hero. i would like to think that every mother would do the same, but sadly i know it isn't true.

so here is what i did today... i went back to the homeless coalition and a lady that volunteers there helped me write my resume. i have applied for a couple of jobs on monster and have taken apps for several area establishments. i emailed a womens shelter at a friends request to see what it was all about - i can't stay here much longer because of space. i called my mechanic back home and told him to bring the trailer to work tomorrow and that i would drive home and meet him at the shop. that way if i break down, he can come and get my van and drive it home on the trailer. my sister is driving behind me halfway and my dad is meeting me for the other half. i called the library to make sure they got the movies and the books back that were overdue.

<breathe>

and in the meantime, i managed to take my kids and my niece and nephew to the library for game day, went and got dairy queen and went to the park. i did some laundry, made some lunch, cleaned my nieces room and fixed a broken bluetooth headset.

one day at a time peeps.

love,
a

OH! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT MY CHURCH DID/SAID. my husband talked to our pastor today and told me that the pastor suggested we go to marriage counseling (which we've done in the past). i asked him if he said to get help for himself first and THEN go to counseling. he said nope. then he asked me to give him a yes or no answer on whether or not i want a divorce. is that a yes or no answer? and should he be making demands right now???

THEN (you're gonna love this one) i got an email from my sunday school prayer person that puts out the weekly prayer sheet. it said "please pray for josh and angie's marriage. angie and the kids are now staying with her sister in the champaign area" (not true - we are in SOUTHERN illinois, not central). WTF? i am so MAD because that is just plain gossip. i would understand if they said "pray for josh, angie and family."

so be it.

shalom (by the way, a professor in college used to say this all the time on our way out - i've merely adopted it. and for those who don't know, it means peace.........................)