[screwballpookie]

Hi ya all!
I need a little advice right now if you guys have time to spare. How come I feel so worthless. I am having a hard time dealing with my husband right now. I have finally settled my lawsuit against the company that fired me after about 4 yrs of fighting and when I did my husband was not happy because I did not take it all the way to court. I just wanted to get it done because it was taking a lot out of me. I felt that the offer was good enough and was afraid if I took it to court that I would end up getting less as well as them possibly closing my file instead of leaving it open for my rsd. My husband said that it was not enough and I tried to tell him that no amount of money is going to take away my rsd. He still was upset and told me that he was getting tired of supporting me for the last 5 yrs. I told him if he wasn't happy he knew where the door was. He then told me that he could not afford to leave me. I said if that is all you are staying for then just go. He said he also loved me. I told him that when we got the check that I was going to pay off some of the little bills that we accumalated, I was going to catch his fuel bill up for his semi, pay the bill for the repair of his tractor, pay truck country off for his semi,pay his mother off and that the only thing I wanted out of all this money is an above ground 4 foot deep pool with a privacy fence around it. Tonight after talking to him about my daughters school costs for 7th grade he told me we were going to have to wait on a few things. I said like what and he said like the privacy fence and the pool. I asked him why and he said that he was going to need a feeder for his new cattle and that winter was coming and that we needed to get the cattle a heated water tank. It was not my idea to get these cattle in the first place. I asked him to wait until we lived in the house a little longer(we have only lived here a year) and he did not do that. Am I wrong for wanting a little something for myself? I thoght I deserved a little something out of this. Should he get to do what he wants and put my stuff on the backburner because according to him he has supported me for the last five yrs even though it has only been 4 yrs.?I don't usually ask for to much, but once in awhile I would like a little something. I do take care of the house, our daughter, and his cattle while he is gone.I also am going back to school in August. I don't want to spend the money all at one time either. I would like to put away about $5000 in a cd and still have some money in an account for cushioning in case we may need it for something. Again am I thinking wrong, does he deserve most of the money? I have never looked at it his and mine. I have always looked at it as a team that works together.Please help ease my mind!

Tracy

[JOAN_M]

i will be blunt i'm afraid.
i think your husband is being selfish and it sounds as if he MAY not be around forever. i think you would be very wise to put almost all of the money away, in your name, for your care, as you need it. this is not a disease where you get better, and you may, in the future, have needs you have not even imagined, and you may need things to take care of yourself and your daughter in the future. you may or may not get through school, it depends on if your rsd behaves.
if you had a lawyer for this case please seek his advise quickly.
all may turn out well with the relationship you are in, but if not, he will move on and work and live his life, and you may not have anything left and may live in poverty as so many people with chronic conditions do.
please please take care of you. joan

[junk4myemail]

I am thinking as Joan is, however, I would like to add:

Are you in any kind of counseling for yourself? Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you? This disorder wreaks havoc on families because getting into a marriage/relationship, you are not expecting the part of the vow that says WORSE, and in SICKNESS. He might need to get a few things off his chest.

One more thing though, what have the cattle done the last 4/5 years?

On a piece of paper make two columns, then on one column, list out everything he needs to have done, with the semi, the cattle, etc. Then on the second column list your privacy fence. Make sure to include any and all costs estimated or actual. Write at the bottom,

HIS NAME, AS YOU CAN SEE YOU ARE RECEIVING MOST OF THE SETTLEMENT, IT IS NOT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK FOR, WANT, AND GET A PRIVACY FENCE. PLEASE REVIEW THIS LIST AND LET ME KNOW WHAT CAN WAIT FROM YOUR COLUMN BECAUSE I DESERVE THE ONE THING IN MY COLUMN.

Then ask for counseling. If he cannot accept this then what Joan says is true, he loves you but might just be done. Then he doesn't get any - possibly. Talk to a lawyer. In California, settlements are not considered community property to be divided in a lawsuit.

Hugs.

[Brokenwings]

That is some very good advice and observations, Pookie.

You are NOT being selfish for wanting a little something for yourself.

Did it ever occur to your husband that the money that you received in your settlement, wisely invested, would ENSURE that he "wouldn't have to take care of you" if your condition (God Forbid) worsens in the future?

Think carefully on this...Couseling sessions with your husband, so that you each have an opportunity to discuss how your injury has affected you, your husband and the "we" part of the relationship, the dissapointments that you each experienced because of the injury, and future "expectations" with each other wold be extremely beneficial.

Is it possible, now that you have a nice settlement, that somehow your husband "perceives" that YOU no longer "need" HIM? ByHIM tying up all the money for "his needs", that would pretty much guarantee that you would HAVE to remain "dependant" on him...and also, he REMAINS IN CONTROL.

Just a thought.

Ihope everything works out for you. Because, YOU deserve to be HAPPY.

Most Respectfully,

[lostmary]

Pookie,
I agree with everyone else. One thing you can recommend has to do with the cattle. Tell him that he can put a rubber ball (large) in the water and where ever the ball is the water will not freeze. the animals push the ball out of the way to drink and PRESTO...the cows have water. If he says that it is stupid, just let him know that other people with cattle and horses do this in the winter so the animals have water to drink.
Mary

[screwballpookie]

I want to thank everyone for there input. It is greatly appreciated. My settlement is not all that great, but it was just to prove a point to the company that they can't just fire someone who gets injured on the job and get away with it all the time. It was never about the money in the first place, I just wanted them to realize what kind of people are out there. That not everyone is just going to shove it under the rug just because they do. I have a disability for life and it is there fault because they did not listen to me when I told them that someone going to get hurt and then it was to late. The settlement that I am going to walk with is just over $28,000 after the attorney takes his share. It is not much but like I said before I just wanted it over. At least I have an open file and the company has to pay for everything that involves my rsd. That is one real good thing out of this since I cannot get health insurance. As far as my husband goes I know he is tired of having to support me, but it is not like I have given up trying to make something of myself. I tried to get another job even if it was part time for about a year and a half after I lost my job. I got denied everytime I tried so I gave that up because it was shoving me further into depression than I already was. That is when I came off the waiting list for voc rehab and started this new journey. I am still trying to make something of myself, but sometimes I feel that is not good enough. What can I do to make myself feel better about things? I don't want my husband to have to feel responsible for me, but I did not ask to get this disease either. He does try to reassure me that he believes that it is the jobs fault for this happening, but sometimes I just feel those are just words that he no longer means. I know here I go again feeling sorry for myself. sorry. I am just stuck and don't know what to do. I also have an 11 yr old daughter to take care of and I sometimes struggle with that because she shouldn't have to deal with a mother that can't do things like I use to. I can tell just by looking at her it gets to her sometimes because she just gets this sad look on her face. She also says things to me like " I wish you could ride bike with me" or "You are hurting again aren't you mom?" If there was anything I could do to take the pain away from her I would. I love her so much and to see her go through this I feel is very unfair. I guess I just don't know how to cope with all of this. It is all so overwhelming. No I don't have a couselor because I just don't know where to turn because I don't have any health insurance to help pay for it. It is just so hard. Sorry if i mess up I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face right now.Sorry for just rambling I jsut don't know what to do. Iam so mixed up with so many emotions right now. I am trying to be tough but it is pretty difficult when it seems that your whole world is crashing in on you. Again thanks for taking the time to read my rambling and giving me suggestions. It helps more than words can say.

Tracy

[dealingwithtos]

Pookie,

I agree with everyone also. I especially like the idea where you make 2 columns. Recently I received a settlement for the death of my sister. My husband gave me some input and his opinion, but it was my decision. There were things that he didn't get. This money is because of your RSD - YOUR medical condition. We are all faced with the fact that this isn't going away.
The pool would provide a place for you to do some physical therapy at home during the summer months. Just think how many co-pays that would save you. You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being selfish - atleast this is my two-cents worth.

Please keep us updated. I'm thinking about you.

[flippnout]

POOKIE
Hey some times you have to take care of yourself and your kids first, why not you and your daughter first? you all deserve a break, hey a vacation a small one sounds like you all need that get your minds off of everything.
Sounds like you hubby is living in a time warp and thinks he is the BOSS! and if you think that amount was right for you and you made your stand as you say and taught the company a lesson good for you, dont second guess your award it was what you thought was fair.
To you I wish you the best and get your pool aqa therapy is great.

[DiMarie]

Straight UP, look out for yourself. I would not pay off the bills he incurred, I would pay 1/2. His daughters education expenses are not your, they are his and the mothers. Also, I never had to pay for schooling my children and they were exceptiopnal students?

He is playing yoy. HE loves you for what you can provide...a contribution over his head the roof, pay off some bills. THe most telling thing he said Tracy was, he can;t afford to leave you, so that has been on his mind.

I would feel he will make plans and have you out, when he is on his feet with your money. IF the check does not half come in his name, I would out it in your seperate account, get advise on investing some of it and then if you choose to help with the expenses you normally would have contributed too, without counting on this monies, then do that.

He is already planing and it is not in your best interest, it is HIS! Take the bull by the horns and don;t let your painful condtion money go to his needs and enable him to leave you high and dry when HE is done!!!!!

Get counciling Tracy, you need the support.
As you told him. there is the door....don;t tell you he has to stay financially, I would tell him to let the door hit him as he leaves.

I went through this in my first marriage, it was horrible to be taken advantage of and I never got over it.
My prayers are with you,
Dianne