I have had such a time getting through these holidays due to losing Bill last year. I am blessed to have my daughter and her family and my friends to help me though.

Things just keep hitting me though. I talked to my younger sister yesterday. I wanted to check on her and see how she was. Her 4 year old barn burned 2 weeks ago and killed all of her horses but one so that's been rough on her and it even hit me hard for her.

On top of that she told me that my oldest brother has colon cancer. I have lost 2 sisters and one brother already to cancer so it seems to be the way for each of us to go.

Every year for years has been a challenge for me. On top of what I deal with, it seems that I lose loved ones every year. This year, I had an Aunt and Uncle to die.

I come from a large family. There were 10 of us kids and my Grandmothers were sister-in-laws so both sides of the families were close to each other.

I think this is why I have such a hard time pulling myself up from the depression I have been in for years. So far the VNS is not doing anything for me but I haven't given up on it yet.

I know I have to make a decision on going back home for a visit here soon and I am dreading it. I will go by plane though so that will make it much easier.

I hate sitting still though for that long. My right arm and chest gets to hurting so bad that I can't sit still, that worries me. I can't stay in the hospital long when I have surgeries due to the TOS and RSD on that right side.

Another problem I have, I thought some of you might give me some input on. I want to take Bill's ashes back home to be buried with my Mom and Dad. He was closer to them then his family. They always took his side when we fought. LOL How can I do this. Any thoughts.

I just needed to vent. I am at a loss on how to get through all of this.

Thanks for all of the support from all of you.

Ada

Ada,
I am so sorry about what you are going through ((hugs)), it must be so hard for you and your family.
I really hope that your brother makes a full recovery from cancer, please send him my love. My 3 year old cousion, Shakira as Liver cancer and is currently waiting for a liver transplant (her dad is going to donate some of his liver to her)
I am sorry that I can't help you more
If you need anything I am here
I hope you start having low pain days
You and your family are in thoughts.
Take care
Love
Alison

Ada

with prayers lifted for you
Cheri

I am so very sorry for your losses and situation. Despite my own losses through the winter months, I really can't imagine your pain but I will pray for you and your family.

As for transporting ashes and putting them with other family remains. Contact the place where your parents are and see what they can recommend. They will know transportation regulations and what you can do to have your wishes met. Or contact a local funeral company (local to where you want to place the ashes) to ask them for advice. They will be the most understanding and supportive when addressing your needs.

My thoughts and prayers are with you through this season.
Take Care. J

Hi Ada!
Loosing Bill is still so fresh in your mind and I am sure you miss him so much, especially around the holidays. I am so sorry you lost him and the way you talk about your Bill, it seems like you two were very close. he was a good man, Ada. Cherish the memories with him, talk out loud to him when life seems to drag you down. I still do that to this day. I lost a twin brother and my baby sis. 10 yrs. ago. We come from a large family also. 8 of us, well now 6 of us. On my dad's side are 16 children. I don't even know everyone?? LOL I am sorry to hear about your brother. He will be in my prayers. I am sorry also to learn about your youngest sister's barn and those poor horses. my heart go's out to her, as well as my prayers, Ada. Talk to your Dr. about the VNS not working. Also, at this time of the year, it's dark and dreary, keep bright lights on when it gets dark, open all your shades to get light in during the day. That may help some with the depression.Ada, are you sure you want to take Bill's ashes to be with your mom and dad? If so, ask whoever works at the grave side, if they can dig a small hole and you can put them right in the middle of both their graves. Give it some more thought, though if this is what you REALLY want to do. ((Hugs ADA)) Hang in there! Love, Desi

Ada, I am sorry you are having such a hard time this holiday season. It's extra easy to get depressed at this time of year for anyone... and the loss of your wonderful Bill makes it so much worse.

When you fly home, make sure you get a seat in the very first row of coach. That is, unless you can afford 1st class. But if you are like us regular folk, lol, then make sure your seat is on that first row. The leg room is much better, and there is no row in front of you to lean their seats back into your space! If you tell the person who makes your reservation that it is for medical reasons, they'll make sure to do as you ask.

And please, travel comfortably not fashionably. Wear comfy sweats and tennies that allow for your feet to swell. They will, due to all the time spent walking through the airports and sitting with your legs hanging down for so long.

You are in my prayers, Ada. Here's hoping the season can bring you peace if not joy.

Rogue

Hi Ada,
I know your heartache, it is tough everyday missing our loved one, but knowing how they were such a part of holiday and family is a terriable heavy heart.
I try to keep busy, I have Lexapro to help keep me more focused, and it helps.
But I just ache to hold my daughter, I still have not gone through her things, the time never seems right.

If you go back home will it be for the holiday or just after, I know how your grandsons so love you.
I have the family, the kids and grandson, but I think of the holiday pictures and an empty spot, someone very missing and it hurts so very bad. I try to be so strong in the front of family.

My thoughts are always turning to you with concern as I know the hurt and wish there was something that helped us. Those say time,.....I don;t know, I can not even imagine everyday without hearing her voice, seeing here.
So I know how much Bill is missed by you.

You will do what is right for Bill and you. Weigh your options and make a list of options and "feel" which is a good feeling.

My love to you, hugs,
dianne

My hugs go out to you Ada and to all of you who have lost a loved one.. I know this season can be dificult enouph without loss to cope with..

I wish there was a "HUG" option with the thank you one at the bottom of each post but because there is not please consider my thanks in this thread as hugs as well


Sandra

For all of you consider my thanks as hugs please.

Hi Di- Marie, I too want to say that my heart go's out to you too!! Gosh, this must be very hard for you. May God bless and comfort you. ~Love, Desi

Dear Ada, My heart is hurting for you, I am so sorry for all of your pain and losses- it is overwhelming.I just feel your sorrow and will keep you in my prayers, I hope you can find a peaceful place in your mind- that is what i have to do at times and just keep breathing and take my self away on a mental journey for a while and try to be as still and peaceful as possilbe.Just know that a stranger has you in their prayers, maybe if you try a mental journey well meet one day. I dont allow pain in my mental journeys, it does help me.Take care Sincerely, CZ