well put DM thanks...

Holly more hugsss your way!! Hoping my dads chemo takes care of any what ifs on the cancer!! Not ready either to go thru the letting go again so soon after my sister!! oh my sisters hubby was up this way to camp with friends...he stopped at my store...funny he stopped at my old store then the McDs main store in the new town I work in...finally found me at my walmart location. Nice of him to keep looking haha...

sorry went on my life

just mainly wanted to peek into the thread to send HUGSSS and know that no matter if I am working or home...your Gma is in my prayers... and you are too, hugss,sarah

I had a total epiphany this morning when I was in the shower getting ready for church. I do my best praying and thinking in the shower! I think it was all the prayers and thoughts from you guys and I really feel God sent me a big dose of peace today.

I just realized what I would have told anyone else who was going through this. None of the decisions that I made about Grandma's care could possibly affect the outcome. This is up to God and I now realize that He has determined the course of things.

How could I possibly think that I was responsible for altering the course of her life? He will take her according to His plan and schedule whether or not I decided to do more or less chemo and whether I decided to do more PT or to not put in the feeding tube.

If He wanted her sooner, He would have taken her then. Who was I to think that I was influencing the course of things? I'm kind of chuckling at that thought now. I'm just here working through it one day at a time and hopefully doing an OK job of taking care of things for her. So, really, I now believe that everything is as it should be.

I was sitting in church listening to the readings and since this is the season of Easter, everything is still focused on Jesus' death and resurrection. In one of the readings, there was a line that read "to do whatever thy hand and thy plan had predestined to take place". This was from Acts 4 speaking about how everyone and everything had come together against Jesus in order to crucify him - it was predestined. This was so comforting to hear in a way. The disciples could no more stop or change what was to happen to Jesus than I can do anything to change what will happen with Grandma.

The Psalm today was the 23rd Psalm which is always so peaceful and visual to me. I love the imagery of the green pastures and still waters and of course the most comforting line to me is "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me".

I do not believe in coincidences. I do believe that these readings, the Psalm, and the sermon were all reinforcements of the realization and feeling of overwhelming peace that I had earlier in the morning. I needed to hear those things at this particular time. I feel very OK now.

Amen Holly.

Holly

Your post made me cry.....not sad tears but tears of joy that we don't have the burden of deciding all these things.

Thank you for reminding all of us of this.....you put it incredibly well.

Hugsss and glad you had such a wonderful thougths in shower and in church with the reading.. hugss,sarah

Holly --

Thanks for referring me to this thread, Holly. I often don't come to the Social Chat forum. Usually just the MS one, and Stumble Inn.

Any updates? How are things going with caring for your Grandma? Did you have to take some time off from work to be able to bring her home?

~ Faith

Holly, I have been where you are. I have questioned everything I did with my dad. Was I hurting him? Was I doing enough? Was it mean to laugh when he was talking with other people who were not there?

Someone told us when Dad got sick with Alzheimers, you can either laugh through this illness or cry. We chose to laugh.

You brought your grandmother home, to be by loved ones at the end. That is a tremendous act of love.

My dad passed away last Wednesday.
When I chose to put my job on hold and stay with Daddy, I worried if I was doing the right thing. Now, I know it was.

When you talk about your grandmother talking to people or constantly wanting to go to the bathroom, I have to laugh.
My dad talked to everyone imaginable. He even taught my sister and I how to set up a BBQ. Step by step instructions. He talked for over an hour. Explaining which store to buy the meat at. Which butcher to talk too.
I mean down to the last detail. Then at the end he said "Now, push in your chairs and thank you"
He was teaching a class, somewhere back in his past.
I busted out laughing.

He told me one day that His aunt called him Dale. Another aunt called him Dale. Most people called him Dale. A cousin called him Dale until he was older and then she called him Dalford.(that was his middle name)
He went on to tell me someone called him Jim. Another person called him James. He said but most people called him Dale, except when they called him Turdhead.

OMG, I thought I would pee my pants laughing.

He also begged us to let him up to go to the bathroom. We had to put the urinal between his legs, so he would think he was going. He had to fight to keep him in the bed when he needed a commode.

You know what? I would have taken all that back, when he got quiet.

The last two weeks, he was suddenly quiet. I don't think he could speak anymore. I am pretty sure he was blind the last two weeks.
He began to sleep.

It seemed too quiet then. All there was to do then was wait.
Cherish the time she is talking out of her head. She is reliving parts of her life. You get to learn more about her.

Holly, you will not fully understand until she passes, but you have done the right thing. You made all the right decisions. You will cherish the time you had with her.

DAY

Oh Holly, i'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner
. My old cell phone conked out on me so I lost your number! Please call me. I'm praying for you and your family .

Faith - I am kind of taking time off here and there. I am blessed that my DH is a restaurant manager and works a lot of nights, so he is home during the day when I am at work like right now. On days when he works early, I have to either take off or work from home.

Day - I am so sorry you lost your dad, but also glad his struggle is over. He is at peace, but now you and your relatives have to find some peace here without him. That is the hard part for those that are still here. It is a mix of feelings (relief, grief, depression, etc.). I went through that when my mom died of cancer not quite 3 years ago.

You are so right about the laughing and the talking versus the silence. I have had moments where I busted out laughing, too. We have just really hit the silent part and I don't know what to do or how to act.

The last couple of days, she isn't answering anymore even when she is awake. She sleeps most of the time, but the scary part is when she is awake and seems distressed, but can't tell me what is going on. I think she is losing her vision, too, just like your dad.

Joelle - I will try and give you a call soon.



Last night, she was sleeping a lot, so I took my laptop into her room and played on Facebook for a long time so I was there with her. Everyone says to talk to her and read to her and things like that even when she is out of it, but I just have trouble with that. I am just not able to do that without losing it and I don't think it will help her to have me sitting there sobbing. So, we are just in there a lot and the kids come in and out and talk to me and say hi to her. She doesn't respond, but sometimes will open her eyes.

Every morning, I get up amazed that she is still alive. She has had virtually no nutrition for a long time now. We had to unhook the feeding pump a week or so ago as she became unable to tolerate the continuous feeding through the tube. They told us to just do comfort foods and to push some of the enteral nutrition liquid into the tube from time to time. She became quickly unable to handle the feedings and the last time she was able to even eat some ice cream was a couple of days ago.

Holly,

The dehydration part was really hard to watch. Especially for my mom. To her, she NEEDED to feed him. By this point he was aspirating on just a tiny bit of water.

Hospice kept saying that the need to eat and drink stops. How they know that, I have no clue.
My dad went 1 week with no nutrition prior to death.

Holly, I know it's hard to talk to her when she seems so unaware. Hospice kept telling us that the hearing is the last thing to go. So I would tell Daddy what the weather was like. I would tell him what was going on in the house. I would tell him what my mom was doing, because he always wanted to know where she was.
You could just read to her off your face book. Just things like "Kasey is on her way to school." You could read from a book. Anything to make noise.
We played my dad's favorite CD's a lot.

Holly, anytime you are scared or unsure, call hospice. They will come out.
Don't worry about if you are bothering them. That is their job.
The nurse came out many times just to reassure us.

I guess I found it easier to know what to expect. What to look for.
I will send you a private message with some info.

My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

DAY