thanks, Alffe, you are very kind.

------------------

my physical symptoms have largely resolved - at least they are not continuous. my head has finally stopped hurting.

but i am really starting to doubt if i will ever have a life again. and i really don't believe chemical depression has anything to do with this.

my living situation has been grim for too long, and i'm just fed up of struggling with it and getting nowhere.

~ waves ~

(((waves))) I'm glad to read that your physical symptoms have resolved..that a big step in the right direction.

Struggling and getting nowhere sucks and is bound to make you tired.

BJ quoting her dear mother comes to mind..."Time to put your big girl pants on". I love that and I know it's a lot easier said than done
but when you look at where you are...and how unhappy you are...

how's that working for you? *whisper....quoting Dr.Phil now.

I hear what you're saying.

No matter how many chemicals I took, I still couldn't be happy right now because my situation is objectively grim (chronic pain, damaged brain, seizures, major physical limitations, pick up truck destroyed in accident, dog died, brother has prostrate cancer, career gone, huge medical and legal bills, husband's job in peril, marriage stormy - Heck, throw in some ingrown toenails and set it to the key of F and my life would be a country song.) Frankly, if I were happy, I'd be stark raving mad.

That said, I still think the power and responsibility to change all that rests with me.

Firstly, I try to focus on the positives (a great kid who needs me, for example). Although I've broken the rule here, I try never to think about all my problems at once so I don't feel overwhelmed. I take things one day at a time and try not to let my imagination run wild with concerns about the future. Frankly, a lot of things we worry about never happen or turn out to be a lot less awful than we'd imagined. Other things are going to happen no matter what we do, so there's no point worrying.

Worrying eats up tons of energy that could be better spent addressing problems constructively. I know I can't solve all my problems at once. Instead I pick something small and ask, "How can I make this better?"

One thing I knew I could do, was work my butt off in physical therapy. My progress is slow, but over the years I've gotten myself to a place nobody would have predicted when I first woke up. Is it a long way from perfect? Hell, yes - but I'm not done yet.

Aware that over 80% of couples spilt after my kind of brain injury, I knew we couldn't sit back and wait to see what happened. Marriage therapy has been tough: the personality changes caused by the injury have left us strangers to each other. What we have tried to focus on is making ourselves back into a unit that can parent our child in a stable environment. Is this the fun, compatible, passionate marriage we had before? No. However, it does allow us to discharge our responsibilities to our child. This is a limited concept of marriage that is a long way from perfect, but it's better than it would be otherwise - and we're not done yet.

When faced with a mountain of problems, you can wilt in its long shadow or you can start chipping away at it. I wish I had some dynamite that could blow the whole thing away in one big, liberating explosion - but I don't. Instead I have a fork, so I have to look for the soft spots (the little problems) and start scrapping. My progress is slow and often imperfect, but it's still progress. And it's amazing how solving a few little problems (painting a shabby wall, losing a few pounds) can give you the confidence and energy to confront bigger ones.

I know it sounds cliche, but life is a journey and every journey starts with a step. Don't stand still feeling overwhelmed and waiting for some ideal of perfection nobody ever really achieves. Instead, take a step. Take the smallest of baby steps, then don't look ahead and lament, look back and be amazed how far you've come. Follow that simple plan and you might be surprised to find yourself sprinting over the hill that used to be your mountain.

Cheers

i have NOT been standing still.

and i have put those big girl pants on time and time again.

and got excited about possibilities and worked towards them time and time again.

has it got me anywhere in... SEVEN YEARS????

NO!

people have even quit replying to my job inquiries.

have i tried "something different?"

YES - all kinds of things.

and i'm frickin tired of it... tired of trying and stabbing, and scraping, and thinking, and edging and trying to use my imagination, and thinking out of the box and stabbing and scraping some more with pants skirts and my hair tied up in an elegant bun and STILL just

NOT GETTING ANYwhere.

i'll try not to worry about my retirement. (the way things are going i'd be better off never to reach that age.)

i think you are one strong woman with a lot of grit and i admire that. i am glad you have made so much progress. you certainly deserve the best, and i hope your well-earned success continues.

~ waves ~

Waves... I'm sorry if I have offended you when my intention was to offer you support and encouragement. I don't know you very well yet...know that you are bipolar and I do have some knowledge of that illness.

All that any of us can do is share our life experiences in the hopes that others will find some hope and strength in knowing that others suffer and survive...that they have some understanding of the difficulties..be they mental, physical, or emotional.

I don't live with chronic pain as many of you do, or cancer...I can scarely imagine the difficulity just rising each day must be...I "manage" my depression for the most part. But we all have something in common. We need each other or we wouldn't be here, on this forum.

Hugs for the room.

Waves, I've made some progress.

I am a very, very, very long way from where I was before the accident - and there's no way I'm ever going to make it even half way back. Like you, I get frustrated and (especially if I make the mistake of comparing "new" me to "old" me) I have moments of deep, deep despair. There are even periods when I sort of give up for a time. I guess I just can't imagine giving up forever. That, I suppose, might be the upside of the stubborn personality that drove my parents to distraction. Conversely, I may just have some reality issues.

The really hard part comes when you're working as hard as you can - and fate bites you in the bum with yet another unforeseen or unavoidable setback. Still, I figure if I'm ever going to catch a break, I need to be in the ball park. (On the other hand, I might just get mowed down by another drunk driver. lol)

I think I can appreciate how hard you're working. I know I understand that the longer you fight against a health issue, the more your supports seem to melt away until it feels like you're alone against the world.

And the world can be pretty hard on folks like us; that's why we have to cut ourselves some slack. I read your posts: you're smart, funny, resourceful and kind. I just wish you could celebrate that just a tiny little bit.

Cheers

i was not offended.

i hope i did not offend anyone.

i was/am just very frustrated. and was trying to express that. and that i haven't been continuously just crying over myself.

i do shut down at times, much as i wish i were the energizer bunny... i'm not.

anyway thanks everyone for listening and for sharing. sorry for being such a "tough customer."



i saw pdoc today. it was a hard session. good, but hard.
i am very very tired now in every way. good night.

~ waves ~

Waves,

You're not a "tough customer" - you're an inspiration. I've only had to deal with my situation for a few years now and I wake up every morning wondering how I'm going to manage to do this every day for the rest of my life. I get scared because I don't think I can do it.

Then I come here and find people like you who have had to deal with their health issues for years and years. I see the frustration and pain in your posts, but I also see that you haven't lost your humanity and concern for others. Seeing that its possible to hold on to those essential things helps give me the courage to soldier on.

You are a tough customer waves....that's what survivors are.

And Hockey you are a tough customer too!

Keep on, keeping on...no explainations necessary.