I am having a tough day. No a tough past 2 weeks. Actually... a tough life.

For some reason, people leave me. I have been thinking about this extensively today because again, I have lost another friend. This makes... 6-10 close friends and 4-5 relatives. So let me explain, but before I do, a word of caution, I am doing this to vent. And because I practically need support due to my now very slim and almost nonexistent support group.

So I used to think to myself, I am really crappy at picking friends. I suck at choosing good friends. I also used to convince myself making and keeping friends is similar to dating, some people are just not right for you. All this - denial. It's me. All along it has been me. I discovered this today. It's very difficult to swallow. So what am I doing wrong? I am being passive aggressive, I've also been told that I am "too nice". These are similar in my case, because when people upset me I am non-confrontational. Instead I give second chances, I let it go. I forgive and forget. But not truly and for real. Instead it builds up as resentment towards the person, and I start to dislike my friends. Also known as the "I hate everyone" mentality that so often happens with depressed individuals. That's how I felt today. Anyway, so I start to resent people and then without knowing it, passively and aggressively start acting nasty in return. This sucks. It's not right. It's kind of like a form of revenge. Just because you screw me, doesn't mean I should screw you back - an eye for an eye? no thats not how life should work.

So I am in a way, happy and proud that I have found something about myself that I didn't know before. Maybe now I can work towards solving and changing this huge problem of mine. Maybe now I can form friendships without hurting other people that hurt me too. Why are people mean to each other to begin with? The way I see it, there are reasons. There is always an explanation. So its better to work problems out and discuss it before it is too late, right? In my case, I guess it has been too late with so many already. I have considered calling up middle school and high school friends and apologizing and what not, for hurting them without realizing it myself because I was so hurt already.

Okay so enough of that topic. What else has been bothering me? The nagging depressive thoughts that have returned. The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, the one I was just in until I got the thought to come back and find this place that used to help me out of the hole I used to dig myself into. I've realized these feelings come and go for me. I've realized the past few weeks I do need professional help too, I called today but had terrible luck during my very rough day and of course, when stuck in that when-anything-can-go-wrong-it-does mentality, I couldn't get through on the phone call. So like anything else, having these feelings makes everything feel like such a chore, makes me not want to do anything at all productive, makes even chocolate taste unsatisfying.

Another big issue that triggered all of these in the past 2 weeks was none other than my father. I'd like to blame him and I probably do. I am not a terrible person, I know that. But for some reason, his girlfriend won't let him see me anymore. This started on father's day when I requested a family-only dinner, let me remind you that this family consists of just us now, or shall I say the lack of family dinner. I see family rarely, I speak to family about once a month or so... so was it too much to request? Whatever - life sucks. So this moves me on to my next very jumbled but important thought.

Why does life suck more for some people than others? I know this VERY VERY VERY clearly. Not because my life sucks sooo much. It does suck, I had and have a tough life. I get by most days. I have done fairly well for myself, I like to consider myself somewhat resilient to all the challenges and a big fighter. I've been through alot practically raising myself. But I know this because I work with very very very sad individuals that have had the roughest of lives you can imagine, way rougher than mine. And it blows me away when I have friends or acquaintances that have fabulous lives of the rich and famous, or just perhaps privileged. How does this unbalance work? How is this at all fair? I like to convince myself that these challenges help make us stronger and better people. But at times like these, I just don't know anymore.

So just in case you may or may not be worried about me, just a disclaimer. I am fine - in a deep dark funk. But I will be fine and wouldn't ever consider anything stupid. I have fought too hard and too much to give up now. Instead I will just continue to wonder about all the questions in life that have no answers. And what I can do to try and solve them to the best of my abilities. And perhaps just keep moping by until I can get somewhat back to my normal self.

Nice to meet you all, if we haven't met already.

ahhhhhhhhh.... methinks I know who this is ((((wish))))

And you speak very eloquently about your situation(s) ... which many of us in this forum and many people in the world can relate to....

good for you for venting... I just did the same in the wonder thread... and somehow managed to kick myself in the butt today and got some things done...

as my sister always reminds me... "this too shall pass"....

hang in there sweetie!

Hi Wish We have not met on the forums but we are now
I have a funny feeling Allfemom might be glad to see you
people being mean and hurting others isnt something that happens around this room but in real life it happens all the time. and yup the best thing to do is learn to just let it go fully and totally for real, if ya dont you carry a monkey on your back and that person has control in a way over you and your feelings and actions. I like to believe in Karma and mostly practice ,,believe ... trust in the fact that God is the judge and not me so let the negative go and do good to someone else that needs it or at least some one who hasnt been nasty to me before. stuff like that kinda makes thing a bit more bearable to live day to day.
I can not explain or understand the unbalance in each of our lives and the challenges or the absence of challenges , difficulties in everyone lives.
Have to give that one to the higher power and do the best I can with what I have at any given time. .. and to help others .

I am dealing with my long time best pal who told me shes terminal and she has a boy with sever downs syndrome... I have a kid going to duke and I am not terminal.... its not the best feelings ... not at all i cry all the time it is so not fair and why her and not me? why not the mean girl who was such a jerk in high school then I feel bad cus I wished something bad on someone else.but not really a wish it was just a wonder why kinda thing. it really sucks .
anyways just wanted to reply and meet you... not really want to get all about me here but ened up kinda venting beside ya sorry.
Wish you seem pretty tough and a fighter so that is one good thing to use in your favor..and so is this place and all of us .
I hope you keep sharing here . I like getting to know you.
PEACE
BMW...Tina

Hello!

It's amazing how many similarities there seems to be with everyone in this forum, and amazing how well I can relate to some parts of your life. The energy-stealing depression, the wonderings of fairness and equality, and ESPECIALLY the friend problems. (except I never had that many to lose )

But a few things are different between us. For one, when someone hurts me they are likely to know it almost instantly. Incidently, this drives them away just as well as your methods; most people just don't care that they've hurt me. For two, I've had a fairly easy life compared to lots of people. I was always well provided for and loved as a child, and nearly perfect health my whole life. Yet I've ended up just as depressed and lonely as people much worse off then me. Maybe I'm just weaker then they are, or maybe this is one occation where the world finds some measure of equality and fairness.

Anyway, it's good to meet you! If you want to share any more musings, there will be plenty of people here ready to listen and offer love, support, and understanding.

OMG Is it really Wish?

Your post touches me . Yes Life Does Suck!!! But will get better!
I am pleased that you are reaching out. Professional help is a good thing and the fact that you are here is a good thing also. You have been missed!

I will check back later, I am at work but wanted to make sure I at least said Hello. Im not sure if you even remember me but i certainly remember you!! WHenever I wish upon a star I think of you!

Dottie

Well I am really concerned if chocolate doesn't satisfy! Wonderful to see you here dear lady...all grown up and smart as a whip! We really, really do go back a long way and I'm full of questions...like how's your love life treating you? *grin

Your Dad has a girl friend and she doesn't want to share him with you...Hmmmmmmmmmm. How is your brother?

Oh I just know that Pter is looking down and grinning at us all.

Lara was here recently and then disappeared again...I hope she pops in and sees your posts.

Good morning everyone. What a nice surprise to hear from you all.

Addy you are never alone at SOS here with all these nice people. It is so nice to know that they are here for anyone in need. Something in me goes on auto-pilot whenever I get down, and I always start thinking about my old friends here. "this too shall pass" is definitely one of my favorites that i haven't used in a long time - today seems like a better day already, although still not back to whatever normal may be.

Burntmarshmallow - nice to meet you. i love your name because i love smores. unfortunately for me, it has been very tough to remain spiritual because of all this unfairness and unbalance in life that to me, has treated me so poorly and it is hard to understand and accept. i like thinking of it now as a "monkey on my back" that i need to drop off sometime whenever i can throw it off! I am sorry to hear about your friend, another instance of life sucking for some more than others.... it has been 11 years since my mother died of cancer - and I can promise you it has barely gotten easier for me. Grief is very rough to deal with, I know I am not alone on that one here.

thelonely - i wish i was as brave as you to tell everyone how i feel right away. That would make my life so much easier, apparently. But just like you said, depression affects us no matter what our life is like (thats because its both genetic and environmental) so for me, i notice when the environement/life gets tough, my threshold for managing it all goes down and the genetic stuff comes up. atleast thats how i like to look at it. thanks for your kind words, i hope to get to know you even better.

Hi Dottie - I did not remember you until I read your name at the end. Hi. It's been way too long. But unfortunately my life has gotten so busy to the point of busy-ness that i really don't like. But fortunately, it should all be over very soon in less than 2 months I will have more free time. I always miss this place, its so nice to see your still hanging around (and so many others too).

And last but not least (*ahem) Alffie/Alpo. So good to see you. I am sorry if I offended you (or anyone) for my latest and longest disappearance. I know that isnt nice to leave your friends for so long. So hopefully I can make it up to. Love life is going strong, thankfully the only best friend that hasn't left or been mean enough to make me resentful! My dad is a tough one for me because it has left a big sore spot in my heart lately and I am not sure how to deal with that one, especially the controlling crazy girlfriend! My brother is doing good, we've grown closer over the years, although not so much at this very moment because he doesn't want to get involved in all the father-drama. I would love to move closer to him, hopefully next year when my life takes me on another path, fingers crossed. And of course, I always think of Lara- we had so much in common. I hope she is doing okay, and I will keep hoping she pops in sometime soon. Its so nice to see so many of you again as well as meeting so many of you too. Thanks for all your kind words! (This time, I will try my damndest to stick around! )

Wish.... {{{{HUGS}}}} Its been a long time... so good to hear from you. I have a new name This is Vicky, VDW or what ever it was i use to go by.
Are you still in florida?

Hi **, yes in the same place - havent moved just yet. I think I was around when you were Goofy too. Nice to see you're still hanging in too! Missed you guys!

wish funny I never was brought up going to church and do not go now as an adult . never read the bible or ever even christened or anything. but after my accident and my life got hard again ..the pain and then becoming suicidal ..that is when I became a believer and spiritual . thats what kept me going . I cant explain.
It is way cool that some of the family here that remembers you..well I have gotten to know them pretty good too ...they are the best people ever !!!!
as far as my good long time friend..I dont think I am at the grief part yet and am still in the guilt area. I feel quilt ..yet I have no reason in the world to feel this way. honestly growing up as kids my childhood was far more harder then hers and in my high school time.... ugh long story but now it is like everything has changed and her adult life is as hard as my growing up was..and she was there for me and made things okay..I am here for her but I CANT MAKE THINGS OKAY
oh dang not what I want to be posting on sorry sorry.

You mentioned your mom passing, my dad died in front of me when I was 13. how do you think of your mom now..I mean do you ever think she is near you in spirit form or that she is able to see you and know what your doing at this time?I do not believe in going to heaven or hell myself but thats just my thinking.
Wish you better stick around cus I am really liking you so far and I am sorry if I am asking things that bring you down or things others already know about you. now I WISH I already knew you from before but I dont I am just lucky I get to meet you now
Thanks for "bearing with me" lol.
hugs Wish.
PEACE
BMW...Tina