Ginni, I so agree with you. One of our members insisted the drs. try her husband on medical canibis (sp?) for his advanced altzheimers and it has been nothing short of a miracle for him...who knows all the possible good it can do. We ought to at least be open minded to trying new ways.

ha... reminds me of that saying "everything old is new again!"... cuz last I heard pot has been around... forever... grows wild in some countries, for crying out loud...

Its a God-given plant... kinda like tobacco... humans figured out they could/should smoke it...

I sometimes envy cigarette smokers... they seem to know a cigarette will calm them down....

And I know a drink calms alot of people down....

And I know both are bad for you... ya, ya... but because they are LEGAL - its at least ok to do (not going to go into why both are bad for you here)...

Anyway... my heart goes out to anyone who can't find relief from the pains they suffer...

like the cigarettes.. they are calming.. not supposed to drink anymore, really doesn't matter if they are bad for me, being a zombie probably ain't too good either. other choice is a bit too expensive for my budget...

guilt is a big part of it for sure... if i wasn't so spaced or stupid I should have caught the second one... all but did it for him. never thought to ask him... never occured at all.. now i gotta live with that 'wonderful' package as you say... not sure it is always a 'mistaken' belief.. another fine failure on my part i guess.. real winner sometimes.. replay that one over and over and over and over..

just noticed your tag .... walking in the shadows.... not sure we have a choice there, dsnerror ....

yes, its expensive... but it grows like a weed (hmmmm.... ) so why can't we just grow our own ....oh yea, we'd have to hide it... its criminal...

I absolutely hate those beat-me-up thoughts but they come...

do you have them when you go fishing? .... do you throw the fish back... or do you eat them?

dns, the nightmare you are living through is so familiar to me...especially the over and over and over part in our heads along with the "should haves"...There really is no way around our grief...you just have to go through it and know that some day you'll come to a place where you can live with it. I understand that you don't want to.

I'm glad you are here, talking about your pain....I'm just sorry you are having to go through it.

the thought has crossed my mind, on several occasions. never had the energy to follow up on it. there are days when you hurt enough that you will try anything, criminal or not, but those are also the days when you don't even want to move, let alone try to grow anything..

I think alot when I go fishing, it is like my escape in a way... kind of helps me get things back under control... most of my fish go back, keep some to eat depending on my mood.. fresh fish are tasty.. but I fish too much to keep them all, would be wrong on some level.. i never keep them or freeze them or anything, only eat them fresh. killing something and wasting it bothers me..

over and over.. that last conversation sticks in your head.. like it is permanently burned into your brain. so many times i wish i could do that day over, would i have said no? i don't know, he was always "borrowing" stuff, stupid little stuff, never even crossed my mind to ask what for... was just the way he was.. i was just like 'ok', duh... one word, 2 stupid letters, so is no... what could i do? i let him down years ago, i probably could not have said no if i tried...

Rarely in other deaths do we encounter any feelings of responsibility. Diseases, accident, old age...we know instinctively that we cannot cause or control these things. But the suicide survivor - even if they were only on the periphery of the deceased's life - invariably feels that they might have, could have, or should have done something to prevent the suicide. This mistaken assumption is the suicide survivor's greatest enemy.*

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dns...should have..could have? My last words to my son Michael, hours before he put that gun in his mouth were..I love you. And he replied, I love you too Mom. It didn't make a bit of difference in his "spontaneity".
He "chose" "reacted" to his life without thinking.....period.

*Jeffrey Jackson A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide

i am so sorry to hear that, i don't even know what to say...