i don't how to go on any more.

i have a deathwish. i already feel dead inside.

i don't believe i would act on it because i'm afraid of success and failure:
--success because it would hurt my parents too much.
--failure because i could end up in worse conditions, with same deathwish.

i feel guilty for the deathwish. i believe in life but i can't seem to wrap myself around it any more.

objectively, i know i have so much more "going for me" than many do, despite the obstacles. but i can't seem to make any use of it.

i thought i knew how to walk around the proverbial pit, but here i am in it again.

thanks for listening anybody.

waves

Well dear lady I certainly can't hit the thanks button on that post!

Feelings pass...and are replaced by more feelings. I certainly understand that you want the pit to stop beckoning you...please remember that the black hole has sides and we are here..reaching out to you. Try to look up..you are loved by so many and needed too.

Your parents are a good reason not to act on those temporary feelings...trust me when I say from experience...they would be crushed with guilt and longing...they would never be the same.

And don't forget to reread Pters wise words about the beast of depression...stickied at the top. Hugs...and more hugs.

thank you Alffe for posting back to me.

i just want to be with ppl who "get it."

i can't talk about this with anybody in real life.

i have read Pter. will reread. can't hurt.

I wish I knew what to tell you, and that is was something to make those feelings go away fast - but all I can think of is that it will pass at some point I'm sure.
Many of us care and hope & pray that things turn around for you soon.

If this were my thread, I'd title it much the same as you have dear (((((wren))))

I've been struggling with the demon beast for many weeks now...

thoughts of why am I living are being outweighed by who and what I'd be leaving behind...

thanks be to those who are here to listen to us

(And... um .... I hit the thanks button on your post... cuz I thank you for saying what is in your heart) ... then I removed it cuz of what Alffeee said cuz there is no way I'm gonna support you ever leaving us!!!

(((Addy))) stop hugging wren! *grin It's waves who needs a hug and sounds like you do to!

You were one of the first to respond to me last year when I joined neurotalk. Please do not give up, give in or get defeated, and I will too. I feel the same way alot of times as I am going to loose my home, on top of family issues and my health. I get some comfort from hanging around such good people here. I often can't find a reason to go on. I still try to find meaning and something good in each day. Pain is constant, I know about that too. so many here suffer. Please keep writing and being here. I care about you and never forgot your kindness to me. ginnie

This site WAVES...... is like a daisy chain.......we link together for one specific reason...............together we are beautiful ........... separately we are a Daisy


joined together in a chain we are strong,,,,,,,,,as strong as metal chains................ invincibly.

When one feels weak we pull together to support that link................we remain joined in support for BEAUTY of Support of each other................THIS TIME WILL PASS [i told myself this 9 days agO...im still here ]

Much love and care and support to you my dear friend,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


listen below [please]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X5_XsFtXtw

David

yeah I meant waves... and wren!!

(((Jo, Addy, Ginnie, Alffe)))

thank you all for your kind responses and just for being here for me.

Jo*mar, thank you for posting and for your prayers. you are right to a degree - it will pass... or at least, attenuate. i feel this is an existential malaise that will continue, as an undercurrent, as long as i do not live true to myself. but over the years, i have lost myself, so i don't know how to do that. so i feel destroyed within. an empty shell washed up on a beach. scary.

Addy and Ginnie, i am so sorry you are in this stupid pit with me. i will keep you both in my prayers. i pray a lot lately even though i have a sort of eclectic faith, so i don't always use conventional prayers. but sometimes i do.

Ginnie, i remember when you joined up also. you made the most amazing supportive posts to people telling us of your own successes and giving encouragement. what is going to happen with your home? do you have someone you can stay with? that is so scary.

i am so grateful i can confide in you folks here.

and to reiterate what seems like it may not have been clear enough in my first post - i am not contemplating - like i said, i'd be afraid of both success and failure. so i'm not really "at risk." i just... wish i weren't alive.

thank you all again.

(((for the room)))

waves