Your paragraph above truly concerns me.

Did you get rid of the gun?

P.S.

Suicide isn't the only way out. You're overthinking in retrospect.
There are lifelines. Suicide isn't a door. It's a reaction.
The fact you got through this/these terrible, terrible feelings is a testament to your strength.

Lara, I gave it to my friend when I had him drive me to the hospital.

For now, I just woke up after only five hours of sleep. (I usually sleep 8-10 hours.) I'm tired of waking up tired and sad.

OK. I had to check. It really worries me that people have such free access to guns in some countries.

Very late here in Australia. Have to try for a few hrs sleep myself. I don't get much sleep some nights either. Sleep is a healing thing. I wish you a good night of sleep to help you through.

Hold on there. Think ahead. I know this might seem a silly thing to say, but when you get a break from your studies have you ever thought of doing some sort of community work. We have programmes here in Australia where people join together planting trees and cleaning out streams and things like that.

Sounds to me that you need a change of environment... but heck, what would I know.

Quote I don't want to die but I just don't want THIS anymore. My best friend - the closest friend I've ever had - has since told me to not talk to her anymore. (She didn't know about the suicide attempt.) I still want to kill myself but I'm not going to for now. I just want to figure out why I am alive. Why did I survive such a fatal attempt with literally no physical repercussions? I do believe in God and if anyone else told me they survived that I would say it sounded like a miracle, but it doesn't feel like a miracle to me. It feels like a sentence: I must continue to suffer on this earth. And as soon as things do get better, they will surely also get worse. end Quote

Hi F1DO

I am glad you found this forum........im sad its down to how you have been feeling though...

you believe in GOD...yet question that your survival from your attempted suicide was not a miracle or divine intervention...... but has to be a miracle if someone else escapes death by suicide????? firstly if there is a god he would perform miracles to all INCLUDING YOU..[come un to me all who are suffering]

You say you still wish to kill yourself but not for now...........???you should be thinking i do......or i don't............

You say you feel like your failed attempt left you feeling your left in life to suffer???...............YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.......

Finally you say 'as soon as things get better, they will surely get worse?????

ever heard of self fore-filling prophesy............[ wake up all bleery eyed, banging headache...get out of bed, stub your toe.....and say its gonna be a bad day today.........GUESS what??? it becomes a bad day......

if you keep reaffirming the negative..........the negative is all you ever will see....................


say a few positives...........see the change that is within your ability to create.........

how do i know..................i have lived with suicidal thoughts for longer than i care to remember...........

but i want to live...get better at coping.....SURVIVE.............

YOU CAN TOO.............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_6vuSLlDCo


All aboard the roller coaster of life.......buckle up and enjoy the ride.............

David

Good to "see you" David.

I am thinking about you this morning. sunday even though I don't always attend church, I do pray. I keep my family of friends here in my thoughts and stay tuned into the people I met here. I have not forgotten your post, nor the pain you feel. I am glad that so many others have responded to you. Depression can be really evil in a persons life, and I find the light to fight that right here on this site. Please do something kind for yourself today. Find the comfort in a good book, or something that you still find some enjoyment with. Even if it is something tiny, it is step forward. Please continue to come back here, I won't forget you. ginnie

Hi dmack. thanks for sending that song through to all of us. It made me realize how much we do all need each other. ginnie

F1D0 - you have a brilliant gathering of understanding surrounding you right now.

Thank you all for your kindness and support.

The tough love and calling out of my contradictory thoughts is also appreciated. It may seem weird to say, but none of those points are new to me. I've already realized all of that on my own, but for some reason it is hard to think that way or to believe it is true. Sometimes it is hard to want things to get better... or maybe to try to make things better... I don't really know how to explain it. It's weird.

One of the bigger issues for me is that I have a really hard time connecting to people. It contributes to feeling so alone, and it will probably make it harder for me to get what I need from this place, but I will try.

I started my new medication today. Half of a 20mg tablet for now. A smaller dosage will hopefully help prevent against so many side effects.

My mom's birthday was yesterday and my family is doing a family dinner today. That will be enjoyable.

F1DO

I am glad you recognized the tough love, because my friend all love is tough....it warms us comforts us, hurts us and suffocates us..........love is everything in all its guises

The meal you shared today is in celebration of your Mothers life..........look deep into her eyes and remember the smile on her face the love in her eyes the laughter from her mouth...cherish this love every single day of your natural life. IT WILL I PROMISE YOU..........get you through the darkest of days.

F1DO life is at times like a giant jigsaw puzzle......... one piece missing and the effort to assemble all the rest of the puzzle seems futile??????????.........

but many many people just collapse the puzzle put it back in the box .......and at a later time.........do it all over again.......even knowing that the one piece is missing.....the piece that makes it complete...worthwhile, whole........

the answer to this puzzle is...........one piece does not make a jigsaw..............life its self is a patchwork of anything and everything, happiness sadness hope, and despair....light and dark....

As hard as you may find it.......try to absorb it...taste it.........one day maybe one day you may well think its worth the effort....[i sincerely hope your new medication helps you through this current jigsaw]

David