... I'm happy I survived. I've been dealing with dysthymia/depression since the latter half of 2008 and after a period of improvement, I was raped in January while on a third date.

I immediately bought a ticket to visit my ex in Italy, who I had dated for two and a half years but have known for almost four (we both met while living in Italy. We're both American). I wanted nothing more than to be close to a man who I know would never physically hurt me.

Unfortunately, I believe he has moved on. While I was there for two weeks, we made love every day and it seemed we were on the path to reconciliation. I told him what happened in January and he himself admitted that he had been touched inappropriately as a child. It seemed like we were stronger than ever. He would hold my hand while walking together, caress my cheek and even brought me to lunch with his aunt who I knew when we were together. I should also say that I had once been pregnant by him but miscarried. Consequently, he was more than a boyfriend to me. We were quite serious and before I had to move back to NY due to a family emergency we were looking at apartments together in Italy. Unfortunately, the long distance thing got the best of us before he could move back to the U.S. to be with me.

Then the next day while I was there he got a phone call from a female acquaintance inviting him on a "work" trip for one day to Frankfurt. He accepted. I was quite sad, since I knew this was nothing more than a tryst. How could he accept that while simultaneously making love to me/having me as a guest in his home? He told me that he has a life now and that he's free to do what he wanted. However, the next night he promised me he wouldn't go. He saw how sad I was about the rape/everything and decided he would stay with me.

That night he took it back. I heard his phone beep at 1 am, and curiosity got the best of me. I read the message. It was from her, asking him for his passport number. In his bag were two condoms as well. I was devastated. He found me looking at his phone, I didn't deny it and he threw me out of his house at 3 am. I was left to find a hotel on my own and paid a 75 euro cab ride from his home to the nearest hotel.

He said what I did disgusted and nauseated him. Already depressed, that was all I needed to hear. I'd been contemplating ending my life for about a year on and off, and something inside snapped. I swallowed the pills I usually take (spironolactone) to keep my hormones in check and I sent him a goodbye text. I told him I was sorry and it wasn't his fault.

He called the police and the paramedics. They came to the hotel and checked on me. He then called me to say I was not his problem anymore.

He hasn't asked me if I am okay, but his mother e-mailed me telling me she couldn't believe what I did. I feel terrible about it but now that I think about it clearly, I am glad I survived.

What I wonder is, though, can our relationship/friendship survive this suicide attempt? I used to be a happy, vibrant, on the ball person. People used to be drawn to me like flies to light. I feel hollow, but I am working on myself again. Will it ever be possible that he will see me for the truly good person I am once I get a hold of my depression? Did I cross the point of no return? He was the only man I ever truly loved, and throughout our relationship I was so mired in depression, I ruined things between us. It must have been quite tiring for him.

Hi Pretty and welcome to NeuroTalk. I am also happy you survived.
Suicide attempts carry some awful garbage for those involved including resentment, anger, guilt, fear. I think it's understandable that he would want to distance himself more the possibility of further attempts.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with the fallout but I sense strength in your character and the ability to move on from this relationship. It isn't easy and I understand that you will have regrets about the past but new beginnings bring hope for a better future.

Please know that we are here for you and will support you as you move forward.

Hello prettyinthecity and welcome to NeuroTalk.

I too am happy that your attempt was not successful. Many of us here have lost some-one that way, and as Alffe mentioned, those left behind suffer terribly as a result..... and the ripple effect goes on and on.

Are you being treated for depression or sought professional help since your attempt? If not, may I suggest you consult a doctor and talk to them about the depression. They might give you medications to lift your mood, or they may refer you on for counselling, or both.

In regards to the questions you asked about your relationship/friendship, your ex might understand your actions better if he can see that you are doing something to help yourself so that you don't become that despondent again, but you might need to give him time for any pain you caused to heal. You mentioned that he has moved on, so if it's just a casual friendship that you want from this man, then I hope that your friendship survives but if it's a loving relationship you want with this man, I think you already know that this has ended.

Are you still in Italy and if so, are you staying there or are you planning returning home soon?

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and engaging replies.

I was seeing a therapist for about 5 months prior to what happened to me in January, but afterward I just wanted to be alone and I stopped going. I was taking celexa as well, but I also stopped that. I had a pretty bad break with reality, stopped trusting men altogether and didn’t want to leave my house. I had never felt so violated before and just didn't want to speak to anyone about it, let alone my doctor (even though I really do like him!). I withdrew into myself which is VERY atypical for me as I am usually quite gregarious and open. Now I know that this behavior was very destructive to me and was not the right course of action to take. As soon as I can I will go back into treatment. I never want to be that sad again. Ever. I had thoughts every day of just wanting to disappear. Worst time of my life, ever.

While in the taxi on the way to the airport in Italy, I explained the situation (sans suicide attempt) to the taxi driver and he had some interesting things to say. He said some men just get the tendency to pull back when they think things are going to get serious. I know that my ex has a history of being like this, even when we were together. He also said that if someone truly loved you, they will always have some spot for you in their heart. I think this is true—I have a sense of benevolence towards all of my exes and would do anything for them should they ask.

Despite it all, he was incredibly nurturing to me and we got along great when I wasn't having a depressive episode. We made each other laugh and he made me the happiest I could have ever been, considering my long term issues with sadness. How sad it was to know that he really did love me with all his heart and soul, but my depression made me feel undeserving and in turn, I pestered him and was quite co-dependent as if I had something to prove to myself. I would fixate on the littlest things and just wear him down with it. It wasn’t easy. It was easy for me! I was the depressed one. I wasn’t the one being hounded with “do you really love me?”

I know now that for sure, 100% if I did not have these issues with dysthymia that I do have and that if I were actively taking a role in getting better, we would have not had the problems we had and we probably would have been married by now. When I moved back to NY we were heading in this direction. We were looking at apartments together in Italy when I had to go back home. This is just something I know in my heart. It's devastating to me to think that I will never get another chance with this man. The finality of it is heartbreaking to me. I want to believe that if I get my act together, there is still a chance with him. However, I think with my attempt I might have ruined that. I hate burning bridges and I feel I may have.

In any case, I plan on concentrating on just me. I'm practicing Muay Thai and finishing up my classes in preparation for grad school. I've been planning on moving back to Italy for a while now that my family situation has calmed down (I moved back to the U.S. because my grandmother died and my cousin was diagnosed with cancer.. so it was an extreme one-two punch) and I will be back by September. That gives me 5 months or so to completely concentrate on myself.

Is it possible that Ryan (I'm using a fake name) could see that I am making positive effort in my life to change? Is the love totally lost? Is love ever totally lost? Now that he knows what I did, can he forgive me? Will his mother think I'm crazy? She continued to speak to me almost every day after the breakup--she always told him to not let me go/that I was a keeper. He must feel something for me still... he told me he cares very deeply for me, but dealing with my issues got to be too much for him. I believe it! Or is it possible that once a love is dead, it can never be revived again, no matter how much each respective partner betters him/herself?

((Prettyinthecity)), I too am glad that your attempt failed.

As for the man, I don't know what to say exactly. It sounds to me as if he may have moved on. I hope for your sake that you continue with therapy and medication. Losing someone you love so much is so terribly painful. I know. But there does come a time when you can move on.

Just please take care of you.

"In any case, I plan on concentrating on just me. I'm practicing Muay Thai and finishing up my classes in preparation for grad school. I've been planning on moving back to Italy for a while now that my family situation has calmed down (I moved back to the U.S. because my grandmother died and my cousin was diagnosed with cancer.. so it was an extreme one-two punch) and I will be back by September. That gives me 5 months or so to completely concentrate on myself."

That is the best idea...concentrate on you because you are worth it...not with any plans of going down that same old path but because you deserve a new beginning and only you can make that happen.

I think you are heroic and very courageous...change is hard!