... I'm happy I survived. I've been dealing with dysthymia/depression since the latter half of 2008 and after a period of improvement, I was raped in January while on a third date.

I immediately bought a ticket to visit my ex in Italy, who I had dated for two and a half years but have known for almost four (we both met while living in Italy. We're both American). I wanted nothing more than to be close to a man who I know would never physically hurt me.

Unfortunately, I believe he has moved on. While I was there for two weeks, we made love every day and it seemed we were on the path to reconciliation. I told him what happened in January and he himself admitted that he had been touched inappropriately as a child. It seemed like we were stronger than ever. He would hold my hand while walking together, caress my cheek and even brought me to lunch with his aunt who I knew when we were together. I should also say that I had once been pregnant by him but miscarried. Consequently, he was more than a boyfriend to me. We were quite serious and before I had to move back to NY due to a family emergency we were looking at apartments together in Italy. Unfortunately, the long distance thing got the best of us before he could move back to the U.S. to be with me.

Then the next day while I was there he got a phone call from a female acquaintance inviting him on a "work" trip for one day to Frankfurt. He accepted. I was quite sad, since I knew this was nothing more than a tryst. How could he accept that while simultaneously making love to me/having me as a guest in his home? He told me that he has a life now and that he's free to do what he wanted. However, the next night he promised me he wouldn't go. He saw how sad I was about the rape/everything and decided he would stay with me.

That night he took it back. I heard his phone beep at 1 am, and curiosity got the best of me. I read the message. It was from her, asking him for his passport number. In his bag were two condoms as well. I was devastated. He found me looking at his phone, I didn't deny it and he threw me out of his house at 3 am. I was left to find a hotel on my own and paid a 75 euro cab ride from his home to the nearest hotel.

He said what I did disgusted and nauseated him. Already depressed, that was all I needed to hear. I'd been contemplating ending my life for about a year on and off, and something inside snapped. I swallowed the pills I usually take (spironolactone) to keep my hormones in check and I sent him a goodbye text. I told him I was sorry and it wasn't his fault.

He called the police and the paramedics. They came to the hotel and checked on me. He then called me to say I was not his problem anymore.

He hasn't asked me if I am okay, but his mother e-mailed me telling me she couldn't believe what I did. I feel terrible about it but now that I think about it clearly, I am glad I survived.

What I wonder is, though, can our relationship/friendship survive this suicide attempt? I used to be a happy, vibrant, on the ball person. People used to be drawn to me like flies to light. I feel hollow, but I am working on myself again. Will it ever be possible that he will see me for the truly good person I am once I get a hold of my depression? Did I cross the point of no return? He was the only man I ever truly loved, and throughout our relationship I was so mired in depression, I ruined things between us. It must have been quite tiring for him.