Hi everyone,
First I would like to thank everyone who replys to my posts. I am usually a lurker, but sometimes I am in such despair that I feel like I will explode in a really bad way.
Maybe some of you remember my story. I have been fighting with myself for many,many days to find a reason to continue another day. So far I have won, but the darkness is there....always. Maybe some people won't understand why I stay in my current situation, but Ihave exhausted the things I think I can do. I was denied for my ssdi by the judge. He didn't believe me. I had just been dx with MG a couple of months before that, and I amstill trying to understand it. I am also hypothyroidism, many areas in my neck and back that cause problems. I have had 2 mental breakdowns. One I was hospitalized.
I was a single mother who raised my kids alone. I never received any child support, even to this day. I was always too proud to accept help from anyone. So for me to be reduced to being unable on some days even to take a shower, let alone work to take care of myself has really been hard.
I find myself living with my sisters and bro-in-law. My parents both passed in 2010,which is still very hard for me. My oldest sister does not believe I am sick. I should still be able to be her "slave".Her "help" comes with so many strings that I am choked by them. She does the least amount for me that she has too. I know she doesn't have to do anything for me, but she will tell anybody she would not be alive if it wasn't for me.
She was dying of cirossis of the liver and her husband was letting it happen. I called the University of Omaha, and pleaded with them to accept her. They did. That was 15 years ago....she got her new liver, and I was the only one there while she was having the surgery..
I know suicide is a permament solution to a temporary problem,but my problem is not temporary. and I have no one....I am going to check out the MDA website today and see if I can get help...options..
I also know that I write on some of these forums, and then I won't even get on the computer for days. For this I am sorry. Sometimes it feels like so much pressure for others to know....please don't have bad thoughts about me.
deb

I'm so glad you are still here, fighting. It takes great courage just to survive those thoughts. Are your children nearby...or reachable?

Thank you Alffie,
Yes, I am still fighting. My kids are all grown with families of their own. It is hard to raise a family in todays world. I didn't give them a great start into adulthood either. All my money went for providing for them, so no help with a 1st car, apt, insurance. Nothing like that. I have 2 sons 30 and 28 and a daughter 29. I don't want them to have to have the worry of me on them along with everyday living. I am trying to find a church. I am trying to find something..Sometimes the hardest thing is to be alone in a roomful of family.
I still miss my mama and daddy so much, and I am just having a pity party. So many other people need support more than I do.
Thank you again........
deb

Deb, it isn't a pity party at all...this is the place to share what you are feeling and to be reminded that you aren't alone.

I'm glad you are looking for a church. I don't have one and miss it terribly, was very involved at our church with their many activities.

28, 29, and 30!!! boy were you kept busy when they were 1, 2, and 3!!
Don't underestimate your importance in their lives....my Dad always told us that FAMILY was the most important thing.

Stay in touch...I worry when people don't check in.

Hello Alffe,
I want you to know I absolutely love your avatar!! It makes me smile. You know Iwas very busy as a single mom, and I had so much pride and stubborness that I moved to New York City first, then Boston, then Houston,Newport news....the list could go on and on. I had a fire in me to go out and conquer the world...mine and my kids world. I did. I got knocked down alot, but I was young and strong, so I got back up, dusted myself off, and continued with more conviction than ever before.
I can say that is my proudest achievement. My beautiful kids. They have a work ethic that impresses anyone they come in contact with.We were the 4 muskeeteers. Their father walked away when they were 2,3,and 4. He never looked back. Now he holds benefits for autistic kids, and veterans. I am glad he is finally helping someone, but why couldn't he love his kids? It's ok that we didn't work, but to walk away from a part of yourself. I still have issues....Today was a better day. I did some much needed cleaning. My sister has gone out of state so the house is peaceful. I don't have as much noise in my head that I can't think straight...
I didn't geet to go on the MDA site. I will even volunteer for a study for myasthenia gravis....
Thank you Alffe....you made me feel like you really cared about me...it makes a difference. I will check in. Sometimes it is very hard for me to connect with people, but I am trying to get better.
So thanks lots.....you helped....and Alffe....your dad was right.....family is the most important thing in the world......((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
deb

I had been depressed most of my life; but not until the birth of my third child did I know what depression really was. I finally had gotten the son I wanted; yet could hardly wash the floor or do the simplest of things at times. I didn't know about post partum depression at that time. Didn't go for my 6 week check up after his birth. Saw a gyny 9 years later; who said I must have gone thru terrible post partum depression.

The hole can seem so dark; but one day I visualized myself crawling out of the dark hole and into the light. I still struggle with depression; but never again to that extent; but it helped me to understand the despair one can go through.

What helped me then and for years afterwards when the depression was getting very bad was just getting out of the house. Even if only to look in store windows or just smile as I passed someone. You may even find yourself while on a walk in front of a Church. Go in.....just sit there and let peace fill you.

I know things may seem impossible for you at this time; but please look for the light...it is there; but you have to reach for it with all your might. The fact that you post on this site shows how badly you want to fight this. You obviously are a fighter.

Please keep sharing. We all need one another. You are important; don't ever forget that.


Gerry)

Deb I wish we could sit down in real life and share our experiences over a cup of coffee...or maybe a pot of coffee! You have SO much to be proud of..raising three kids by yourself and having them turn out to be successful human beings is wonderful. Like you, I have "trouble" understanding a man who could abandon his wife and children...Thank God they had/have a strong mother.

I think you recognize that it's your turn now...and you need to take care of you. That includes letting your children know that you need their support and help...they can't help you if they don't know how you feel...and trust me, they will want to be there for you.

Do you have grandchildren? Are they close enough to be involved with?

Gerry made reference to that black hole of depression...I am fond of saying that it has sides, and there are people on the other side..reaching down to help you up.

I'm so glad you've joined us.

@ Gerry, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I also have been in the ring of depression for years. Always had something to keep the darkness at bay except for 2 times. It won tthen and I reached out for help. I REALLY want to live and help others who have lost hope. I just don't know how to get there from here with no resources. I really try everyday...it is a struggle right now. I need a refresher course on the tools I learned in therapy many yrs ago. Although my problems are much more complex now.I wasn't brought up in the church, but in the last several years I have turned to prayer for strength. I am trying to find a church to go to. My problem is I di NOT like to be the center of attention. I do not like people hugging me that I do not know. I don't like to be touched. The only people I want to hug are my kids,my grandbabies and some of my family members. I am n ot a fake person and I do not like people being fake to me. I tell the truth and all I ask is to be told the truth in return. I'm a big girl,I can handle the truth better than lies..
I guess I got off subject...I seem to do that as my mind is so full of *stuff*...
I am glad you areeeeeeeee doing ok now. I know how scary walking the thin line between light and darkness is, especially when you feel no one is there to catch you when you fall..
T hank you so much for your reply...sometimes it's hard to be alone in your own head, and to just be able to know someone can tell you they have been there helps sooooo very much......
Always grateful ............
deb

Hi Alffe....so you speak of coffee....I consider myself a conissuer of coffee .
It would definitely have to be a whole pot.
I will be the first the say I have wonderful children,,,despite being raised by me...hehe. It is so hard to ask for help. From anyone. I think that is why I can sometimes come on here and pour out my fears. All of you live in my computer, and if the pressure is too much I just don't turn it on. That is not treating you wonderful people right, and I get a guilty concescious about that...
My sister says I let things get to me too much, but if you go through life NOT feeling, or only feeling on the surface.....why do it?????
Regular people on the street will not get in my head. My family on the other hand, has the ability to destroy who I am, and sometimes sink to their level, as far as getting loud, and not wanting anyone around me....I go into my shell ( I am a cancer,so I really DO go inside myself They look at it as me being hateful,when in fact I am hurting, because after all this time they do not KNOW me.....and I feel it is because they don't care.
I have researched each of my sister's illnesses and went to drs visits with them. Supported them. Niether have even tried to understand MG. All they know is sometimes I can't walk, talk, or breath well. I feel hurt by their lack of caring about me.
My grandbabies are spread out. My youngest son lives in Miami, and also works in New york where he is now. He has no kids or wife. He saw me struggle, and said he would be financially capable to take care of a family before he started one. My daughter lives inAtlanta with 2 of her children. It is only 3 hours away, but she is also a single mom and working hard all the time. My oldest son and his wife live in Oxford Ms. with 2 of my grandbabies. Him and his wife both are going to Ole Miss. My other 2 grandbabies live in south Tx with their father. I have not seen them in 3 yrs, as has my daughter not. We didn't have the money or lawyers they did, so he got custody.
I get to skype my grandkids in Ms. so that helps, but its been over a year now since I seen them.
If I could work and take care of myself, I would be a different person. I need to go to the doctor, and I don't have the money. I have ran out of most of my meds, and can't get them refilled. I don't have a vehicle,I don't have anything. I am not complaining, just stating my life. I have exhausted all my options for help. I HATE that I need help and can't give back...I will not be a burden on anyone. Family can say things, but they don't mean it. The med I am worried about just stopping is my prozac. I have dealt with antidepressants for a very long time and have been down this road. I don't want to travel there again, but my options are limited....
This is how sad my situation is right now. I save cans to turn in for money..
Wow Alffe....I thought this would be upbeat....so sorry for the downer, and writing a novel......
Thanks so much.......
deb

Deb I admit to knowing very little about MG...after reading your post I went to our forum...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum77.html
and read some about it. Lots of information there..it's a very active forum.

I hate it whenever someone needs to go to the dr. and can't afford it!!
We really need to do something soon about healthcare in this country.

And I would be very careful about just stopping prozac..or any medicine for that matter. Could you talk to a pharmasist about tapering?

Your kids are scattered...thank goodness for your siblings...mixed blessing tho it seems to be.