I had been trying to figure out where to post this, as we have so many options I've managed to confuse myself. I thought about the Depression Forum, but I think I'm more of a nervous wreck than I am depressed. Then again, I haven't had enough time to spend on myself for a proper self-diagnosis. I thought about the Anxiety forum, and then thought maybe I am depressed.

I always kept coming back here, and considered posting here several times and didn't. I don't know why but I'm kind of afraid of it, like I know one day I will end up posting the story of my brothers death here and the thought of it turns my stomach. I carry so much guilt when in reality, he should be. It never ends with him, and I know he will end it one day or someone will end it for him and I will be left feeling guilty that I was so angry.

I can't remember a time even as a child he was kind to me unless he wanted something. He has beaten me well beyond the normal sibling rivalry beatings. He has jumped on my back, split my head open with a large piece of wood, pulled bows and guns on me, killed several of my pets and more. As I aged, I seemed to have blinders to any form of manipulation and either handed him money for a drug habit or he stole it.

Of course now I'm older to see that the way he's treated humans and animals (extremely cruel and aggressive) as a child and young teen should have been a sign for my parents to seek professional help for him, but sources weren't as good in the 70's and 80's.

I don't know who to blame, maybe it's genetic or maybe something happened. I have quite a block of my childhood I don't recall but somewhere along the line he turned into a very angry person. We were around 7 or 8 when it started. I always seemed to be the target for his anger, if it weren't me, he'd kill my pets.

I recall clearly the day I moved out I called him and was crying, asking why he hated me so much. That seemed to be a turning point, he cried. I really believed he hurt for hurting me. But it didn't stop his behavior. He kept drinking and doing light drugs, but that only grew. He's a year older than I am and had more going for him than I did for me. But as his habit grew, I was proving people wrong who thought I'd never get through high school, college, etc.

I never understood why my Grandma and Dad favored him, and I'm not being dramatic. I mean they'd pick him up and leave me at my mom's. Up until 3 years ago, they thought he was an angel. Until thousands upon thousands of dollars went missing from their bank this time. Until he was getting aggressive with them. Not until then did they see what I had put up with my entire life. And even with all of that pain, I would never EVER turn my back on him.

If it weren't for the one day he cried, I'd not even consider him human. But he is, and I know deep down he's good. But he needs therapy and drug rehab. But it seems like he wants his lifestyle (which is now heroin, cocaine, and stealing money to get it) or no life at all.

Any time he has been arrested or confronted, he's tried to commit suicide and I am sure he will eventually do it unless one of his acquaintances does it first. I actually believed he was going into the Army and paid for his 'testing' (whatever that was) and found out that he never even signed up.

I moved nearly to the opposite side of the United States to try and leave some of these things behind. If it hurt me, I left it there. But it seems to keep chasing me and I cannot handle how it leaves me feeling. I know my brother, and I know he will find a way to end things. He's gotten bad enough he shot up in front of my niece in his truck then drove while high. He will lose custody and he's in jail now and in a special room as he is on suicide watch (he's attempted twice since June 2nd).

I haven't heard from him since I believe it was December he called asking for money. I said "No", as I really don't want to take part in his habits and he never called again. He called me collect from jail on my birthday (june 2nd) and when I said that I don't have the money to bail him out (which is true, I really don't) he said awful things. He said maybe I'd remember not helping him when he's dead or how I turned my back on him.

I'm not sure why I'm even typing all of this. I don't know why it hurts me so much when it's coming from someone who has hated me since I was born. My dad calls me now (we hadn't spoken for over 15 years until my brother started to make his bad habits obvious), and I do still check on my grandma every day. I know she was mean to me, but no-one checks on her and I still love her. But I get mad when my dad says bad things about my brother, even if he's right. It's like I know deep down my brother is going to die and I expect everyone to be nice because of that.

I can't stop him, and I want to. I really want that good person who is buried under all of the drugs and anger. I wanted so much for him. I could have been jealous and happy he 'failed' so I could finally shine. I was the sickly one, destined to fail and be stupid. But I would be happier if I had him next to me. He's losing everything, and it's breaking my heart. My friend tells me that I shouldn't love such a monster. But he isn't one, and I'm the only person in the world who knows he's capable of being a loving person. I'm the only person who has seen him cry since he was a toddler (short of one time he got his face kicked by a bull).

I just feel like I need to let go, because if he dies I don't think I can handle all of the guilt I have and I don't know why I have it. I'm not taking his calls, he just yells at me now. Either he says he'll kill me or kill himself and it's really just too much.

I have this fear of people dying before I can say goodbye, or say what I wanted to. I've been losing friends and family members to murder and suicide since I was 6 and not once have I got to say goodbye or bury anything bad between us. I am now living that all with my brother, when I know deep down it's not healthy for me.

Anyway, I'm sorry for babbling and I'm sorry for invading this forum. I'm afraid of the word suicide itself, and I thought maybe posting here would help me out with some of my personal issues.

I just don't know what to do and it feels like my heart is being ripped apart.

Thanks for your time and letting me borrow a chunk of your forum.