I would be lying if I said I didn't know how this all came about. It started off as a small snowflake that more and more added to, and then it began rolling down the mountain until it turned into a massive snowball eventually causing an avalanche. I know exactly how I got to this point, yet have no clue how to get away from it.

I had, yesterday, probably the worst day of my life. I woke up in more pain than I have ever been in - which at the time, was just physical. The day prior, my brother, whom many of you have heard about prior in a post I made regarding his selfish and addictive behavior. He was always aggressive, he displayed every sign as a child that he would grow up to be an adult that did not fit in with the rest of society. He killed my pets, he beat me, he abused drugs and alcohol and was easily the most hostile person I have ever been around. I had posted after he has threatened suicide many times because I wouldn't give him money and I finally snapped and told him to do it and leave me alone.

He obviously didn't do it because he didn't mean it, but saying it was a horrible thing as was my response to him. Anyway, he spent 6 months in rehabilitation versus going to prison after he robbed my Grandma. He got out the day before yesterday at 10am and was due to go stay with her (against many of our wishes but we did want him to stand a chance and his only other place to go was with my step-father whom is also a drug addict and alcoholic).

He never showed up, and had my step-father pick him up who did something anyone who cared about my brother wouldn't have done. He took him to breakfast, and then directly TO A BAR. He claims he didn't drink, and said that he only went there to find a lady friend (although he used more offensive wording). Regardless, he didn't show his face until 11am yesterday. Assuming we'd all be forgiving that he didn't so much as call any of the people who actually care enough to worry about him. He lied as soon as he left rehab, told his boss his sister was picking him up - I live in California, he was in rehab in Ohio. As you can see, this is pretty much impossible.

I had tried to not get stressed, as three days prior to these events I got my Insurance cancellation letter in the mail which finalized everything for me. It's been gone since Jan. 1st but it was more formal and final once seeing it. I've not had any pain medication, any seizure medication, or my antibiotics to deal with these vile infectious diseases I snagged from a nasty tick. I have one slip for over $500.00 worth of labwork, another order for my 3rd ultrasound to monitor my growing ovarian cyst, and another for a 'something' cystogram because my ureter or whatever it is regurgitates urine into my kidney and the severity needed to be checked. All of these orders cannot be put to use. The medication for my seizures and headaches alone totals $648.00 per month without insurance, so that also will no longer be a part of my life.

I fought as hard as I could to just avoid the situation with my brother because I simply did-not-need anything extra. However, him running to the worst person as soon as he got out was too offensive for me to let pass. After my mother left my step-father, I tried to help him cope and would make him dinner and drop it off. That didn't last long as he seemed to note the similarity in appearance between my mother and I and no longer looked to me as a daughter and made an inappropriate advance towards me. My brother even talking to him disrespected me. Not to mention, he is 31 and should know if he just got out of rehab, you do not go straight to someone who spends his free time in a Methadone clinic, drinks excessively, smokes marijuana and is severely depressed (and appears to enjoy it and company).

I confronted my brother and told him, "no more". Should he want to have a relationship with me he will cut off that part of the family. He has said "sorry" so much that word lost it's meaning.

By the time I'd gone through my brother, my dad, my mom and my grandma - I was mentally exhausted. My Trigeminal Neuralgia had an unholy flare and I could SEE my pulse through the bulging vein on my temple. My eyes were blurred and glazed over. My entire body was shaking and every single muscle and joint was on fire. I thought at that time, I would call it at night at 6:30pm. I picked up my iPod and went upstairs to my bedroom.

I put on a song which is called Dancing, by Elisa. I stretched out and pretended I was in the woods, as for whatever reason (even knowing ticks reside there), I feel content in the woods. I originally got this song after hearing the first part of it, which says "Time is gonna take my mind, and carry it far away where I can fly". Anyway, maybe it was just timing, or the last roll of the snowball finally did me in. It got to a part that says, "and I know that I'll be leaving soon". As soon as I heard it, I pictured myself dead. It wasn't just that, I kept thinking about it, and how much easier it would be not for me but those around me.

At that very point in time (by then I'm hysterical), I didn't really know my 'value'. I did not know if I was a bigger blessing than a burden, or a bigger burden than a blessing. I've thought plenty of times that I simply cannot take the pain anymore - the physical pain. But the pain of not knowing if you'd actually HELP someone by being gone is easily the worst feeling I've ever had. What was worse is that my entire family was in bed by then (they are on Eastern time, and I am on Pacific). I couldn't tell my partner, or he'd feel at fault. He'd feel like he did something to make me feel that way, and he did nothing. He takes care of me, and has paid for my insurance and my healthcare along with everything else since May of 2006. May 5th, to be exact but whose counting?

His life really stands more success without me, and I know in the long run he'd be better off. I cause him both financial and emotional problems. He makes good money, but not after taking care of me. He truly deserves someone who can share life with him versus taking his life away from him. I can't even give him a child, the only thing I can do is make sure he has clean laundry and dinner. I try to make sure I do it every day no matter how bad I feel because it's all I can do. I don't even tell him half of the time that I am very sick, I don't tell anyone. I just sit in my bathtub and cry and gather myself and go on.

I am tired of being me, I am literally sick of being sick. I have goals that I just can't reach because everything keeps piling up. Not to worry, I won't kill myself, hell, I can't even afford something to do it with. Plus, knowing my history of failure I'd probably not finish the job and end up even worse. But instead, I can't help but wish that I would just die 'naturally'. I've never thought such awful things, it makes me sick to think that. I can't even afford therapy to get myself past it (hence why I'm babbling here boring the world).

I guess I made it to the enough is enough point, and I'm only 30. I'm 30 and I feel 100. I finally found a diagnosis and a doctor, and lose everything to keep me on track. Granted, she will see me free - but I can't pay for treatment. I'm not going to tell my partner because he's done enough, and I am not holding him back. He has had to put off buying a home for 3 years because of ME.

I can't even talk to my dad or grandma because my brother again has the focus. In a way, I guess I'm a crappy person for being jealous he got free treatment and free medicine for a drug addiction and I can't get anything for something I didn't do to myself. My grandma is helping him get a car and a place to live, and all kinds of things - things she has done twice now. She paid for his first and second car, along with his college. I did that all on my own. She along with my father didn't even acknowledge me until my brother made his drug habit more obvious, and then they apologize. Apologize for putting me on a back-burner for 20 years and then they are proud of me for doing everything on my own. They love me now and I love them back, I like having a family now but it's not even real. They are only there because I allow them to be, I just wanted to show them what they did. They enabled an addict and I'm lucky to have been able to struggle but leave that place.

I just wish I had the real ones to call now and tell them that I need help, but there's noone real in my life. They all have broken my trust and they are only here because I have nothing else without them. I just wanted someone to send a Christmas card to so my partners family didn't think I was some orphan. But now, I really need a family and I realize I don't have one.

Well, I probably am pushing the character limit here but I needed to say that because I feel like I'm going to explode.

Also, don't feel anything bad about the song I mentioned. It was just bad timing, it's a beautiful song. I'll link it below.

I'm so very sorry for posting so much here, but I had nowhere else to go (sad, huh). If I broke rules, please delete it or edit it. I'm fine now that I typed it all anyway. It's like a free mute therapist.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi6_41G63ck


Hopefully it stops 'snowing' soon.