Thank you David, I lean on your every word. I am crying right now. I've had it! I feel completely hopeless cause I can't get out of this shell. I loved him more than anything in the world and I was his everything and felt his undying love. They say you only find true love once. This wasn't him talking, it was the alcohol. This wasn't my husband, I didn't recognize him, I just knew this was not the man I had married.

I can't put it away. How can I start over if I can't let go?

Thank you again, David for the "baby steps"

I don't ever want to stop hating him or to forgive him cause I could never go on living with this broken heart. Today is my birthday and I am crying and just want to throw up.

What a terrible day for your's to pick to end his life. Yes, they blamed us for everything and could never own up to any fault or responsibility!

I would love to hug you right back. Hug.......................

nohope HAPPY BIRTHDAY


The pain you feels so raw because you truly loved the man.
You rightly so.. feel betrayed by his alcoholism, the break up of your marriage, and his Suicide.

I dont know anything about him, but did he prior to drinking talk openly with you about his emotions, if he did not ..then he drank to realease his feelings [misguidedly] If he did use to talk, then i'm afraid mental illness took a hold of him either prior to drinking excesively or because of continued drinking.

Either way his death was his choice...CHOOSE to live your life dear friend,

[No1]Dance like no ones watching, sing like no ones listening, take a photograpgh every day to record YOUR life. Eat copious amounts of anything that gives you happiness [ EXERCISE for at least thirty mins a day]

Smile at a stranger every day, and when you think the world is coming to an end, look into your childrens eyes, and go back to number one.

DAVID

I've never been through anything like what you have been through , but I do know that holding onto the hate will eat at you and cause more problems in the long run. I sure you know that in your heart too, it's probably why you are so torn up. You are having a mix of both broken heart and hate for this loss.

A broken heart does mend , sometimes it takes a long time....

I think a suicide support group too - Is there free support groups or even a church group, priest/pastor or ??
Are the children school age ?- they might be able to have some counseling there or county resources
if they are of an age to know what happened they should talk with someone too.

You mentioned you nearly divorced and your thoughts on it, here are some of my thoughts-
I really don't think God is against all divorce- he does want it to be a lifetime commitment - not just a legal shack up
Sometimes it is very necessary.
{Dr Laura { I know, some don't like her} she is against divorce in most cases - unless adultery, abuse or alcohol/drug addiction
{and spouse's refusal to get treatment for those}

Thank you David!

That was one of the reasons why my husband was my best friend and we were inseperable as we could talk about anything all day all night. I shared with him my deepest darkest secrets and he shared his. However he would never accept fault or blame in anything he did. Never once did he talk of hurting himself! He wept openly and hard when his oldest brother killed himself. I just knew that from the constant abuse of alcohol that he would. Especially after his sister died from it. In his last years he was never in the "right state of mind". The things that he was doing or saying were shocking! Everybody thought I was the crazy one! After he died people called me in shock and said I had been vendicated. No one calls me anymore and I am tired of calling or emailing them first, like Abbie also said. These were friendships over 10-15 years old.

My mom just called to wish me a happy birthday and I just cried. She always listened and believed me like no one else, but she can't hug me cause she's 300 miles away.

My husband was a wonderful loving husband and father and devoted to family. That's what makes this so unbelieveable that the power of alcohol made him a demon who destroyed a beautiful family.

It is unacceptable.

nohope .
I can share that a good friend I had at one time was married to a heavy drinker. we had our first babies around the same time. our husbands worked together. my older sister had an affair with my friends husband .my friend found out and asked for devorice ... my friends husband commited suicide . he hung himself with a enegine lift cable after he sat there drinking and drinking in his car. thought I am not in your shoes I send a hug from my heart to you ! (((no hope)))
Peace
BMW

You are right. I am torn between a broken heart and hatred. I can't let go of the hatred for fear my heart will never heal. I am scared at what this may do to my 4 and 11 year old. My girls are great! Wish I could've healed so quickly. When our seperation was really getting heated up and ugly, I contacted the pediatrician and my oldest daughter's school principal and teacher. I insisted she get counseling. Someone she could share things with that she could not share with me or her father. I told her everyone has to have a friend that they know won't spill their secrets. She felt intimitated and had no need for this intervention. My girls are "thriving" as their pediatrician says. They are very happy, healthy ordinary kids. They rarely bring up daddy. They really are doing great! But what about me? I really want to put this away and start a new life, but can't get out of this tradgedy. I feel like I am at the movies watching a repeat over and over......................

Thank you for sharing this. Similar circumstances. I wonder if your friends husband felt like mine, that he couldn't go on without the one who was doing everything for him. The enabler.

nohope

When you find the time, have a read of this ....its very long but has substance and is very informative especialy the 3rd paragraph under the heading Consequences of substance abuse.

Please never think i'm trying to justify your husbands life and death.

I just want you to move forward in YOUR LIFE.

http://users.erols.com/ksciacca/chaptfam.htm


DAVID

I will never be able to answer that question and it is not mine to answer.
I do know I wasnt the most popular person in friends eyes and in her husbands families eyes. And I lost as much as everyone else that day. guilt by being family member . i couldnt believe and still hard to think my sister did that. but my friend and I have healed enough so that we talk not as close but we talk and every year me and hub made sure a gift was under tree for that little girl. she is grown past santa now of corse they dont stay little for very long . and your babies are the best thing that came from your marriage, look at them and let them help you heal and move on.