Hi gamgam and welcome to NeuroTalk and to our little corner of this world.
That book sounds wonderful...I may order it myself. I think you have had a lot on your plate...back surgery, chronic pain, MS... And 54 is way too young to lose a sister...I'm sorry. I lost a brother to cancer but am blessed with two wonderful sisters.

Grieving our losses can be a long lonely road. That's what our forum family is about...holding each other up and learning to survive without them. I'm glad you're here.

Thank you. I hope I did not scare people off with my way too long post! You are right about it being lonely. I would have never thought it would be this way.

me either gamgam. my brother and i were close in age. he was in his 30's. our siblings are older than us. we always thought we would be together forever. watching them grow old. a hard year for me was when i got older than him. strange huh?

ty for the tip on the book.

welcome.

Oh Curious, I hadn't brought that up with anyone because I was afraid they would think (again) that I was just dwelling on my loss too much. My older brother was 32yrs old when he left and realizing that I am much older now is another phase we must go through. Tough one though.

You're so right in that our grieving is a long lonely road. I don't know if you have ever dealt with someone suffering from chronic pain but it much similar. The friends I once had have been long gone since I haven't "gotten well". As if I had a choice in either situation.

yep sweets. tough.

i still "talk" to my brother. we had a very loving and teasing relationship.

i spent his last days on his bed with him. he wouldn't let me leave. the stinker charged me money just to go potty! told me he was going to take it with him. i was holding him when he passed.

now is younger than me.

hold on to all the fun memories. all those siblings things. those can never be taken from you. heck..i even laugh about when he smacked on the back of the head after oral surgery. wasn't funny then, but now it showed his typical brother side. smack..tease and RUN!

i'm a big believer is talking about the ones i've lost. sharing them with others. it keep a part of them alive in others.

their deaths have caused us pain. whether from illness, suicide or natural causes. but thier lives were who they were, they should never be defined by their death.

We love to have people ask about them...we love to use their names..to remember that they lived and were loved...still are, always will be.

No, I've never loved anyone (well with the exception of all the people on this forum) who lived with chronic pain but I can only assume that you make a choice to survive it...like everything else life serves up for us, it's about what we decide to do with it.

Do we get stronger and stubboner for having to go thru it or do we break from the load? Sometimes we have to make that decision over and over again and that's most definitely the time when you come here and TALK about it.

Hugs for the room.

I’ve never said Mark’s name too much before because I was angry but now every time I say it I can feel his presence. Some nights I lie in bed and could swear I can smell his leather baseball glove. We shared many experiences and memories, bedrooms and chores and family celebrations. We stuck up for and fought one another. We grew up together, sharing many things until death severed our connection.

I have learned that to the normal, suicide is such an irrational, incomprehensible, senseless act that it is hard to believe that someone I loved could have done this. You know that old time movie It’s a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart sees how life would have been if he had never been born. I often wonder that if an angel could have showed Mark his viewing, attended by over 350 people, and the aftermath of his decision, that he would never have done this to himself and his family.

I don’t harbor any guilt in what my brother did, but I do wish there had been something I could have done to ease his pain or to help him get the help he needed. I realize now that nothing I did, or really, nothing that anyone did would have changed his mind. Mark’s pain was so deep that he decided this was his only option to stop the pain.

I’ve done a lot of reading on sibling suicide Jan and there are two books I would highly recommend:

Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? – Surviving the Loss of a Sibling by Michelle Linn-Gust

An Empty Chair – Living in the Wake of a Sibling’s Suicide by Sara Swan Miller

They say that survivors receive some type of “gift.” I’m still waiting for the gift from losing Mark. I hope you find your gift Jan

Being able to say Marks name and feeling his presence is real progress BJ.
I've said it before but I'll say it again..I feel that God was right there with our loved ones when they made that choice. I was told that the minister at the funeral service said to Michaels young son...did you ever fall asleep in a room and have your father pick you up and carry you to bed? He nodded yes and the minister said That is what happened to your dad, God picked him up and carried him. ~sigh

If you are lucky enough to have found a church and a Pastor that are supportive and understanding in your grief, you'll heal a lot easier....understand I didn't say quicker. But a church community is made up of people..some just don't get it...don't want to and can't deal with a suicide.
People don't know what to say or do...I'd like to believe they mean well.

I loved what you said about Marks glove!

gamgam - Don't ever apologize for having a lengthy post. Sometimes mine will be short, sometimes longer but as I was told from the beginning - there are always people who will listen. And I am quickly finding out how true this is.

I am truly sorry for your loss of your sister. I understand how hard it is to speak of her face to face with someone; I am the same way. It took all the courage I had to go out in public to the "Touched by Suicide" group and left early, completely crushed. Not the same with this group, it's like we can talk to others anonymously about our changing emotions without being judged for shedding a tear or two.

Sounds like you have had your share of physical pain as well. I'm glad your back surgery was successful. At least you can get around better and are not wheelchair bound. Thank you for your concern about my surgery next week. I have been confined to a wheelchair for way too long. I laugh when I say I at least want to be able to stand up straight and walk to the bathroom. Of course I expect more from the surgery and it will be successful for me to just have relief from this nagging pain. I will keep you all posted.

Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.