[Nik-key]

I come here alot now. Sometimes I am just bursting with the need to share, other times it is too painful to do anything but read your post. I have had a couple of bad weeks with my TN and ON pain, then I got strep and have been laid out flat for the last 5 days. (just a note from reading the other posts, not only can strep cause scarlet fever....but scarlet fever......is what attacked my lil nieces pancreas... giving her juvenile diabetes for life

So here is the thing....... I already opened up and admited that after my Dad took his life, I wanted to do the same thing. I had it all planned out. I wouldn't do what my Dad did though, I would never hurt my family as I am hurting now. In my sleep deprived, drug induced (sleeping pills that were not working) shocked state of mind , it would be kinder to drive out of state, take no identification, take the plates off my car, find a quiet parking lot somewhere, maybe by a lake or river, and simply swallow some pills. It seemed so simple, and somehow I had myself convinced that me just disappearing would be so much better than what my Dad had done to us.

Now I can see the craziness of that thinking. I do still think it would be better than knowing how my Dad took his life. The images will forever haunt me. But still, crazy thinking that it would be ok, wouldn't hurt my family.

Now I kind of feel more like alffe, it just isn't an option. I couldn't hurt my family this way. But........... I am on medications, seeing my doctors etc etc
but sometimes these feeling over take me. Like the other night I had a high fever and was taking a bath to try to reduce it and just relax. Out of no where I just start bawling and crying out to Dad.

I think perhaps I tried to not be angry with him too soon. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. But I have forgiven him. He is my Dad. I love him with all that I am, how can I be angry with him? But damn it, I am. I just sat there in the tub crying out how could you do this? How DARE you do this? WTF am I suppose to do now Dad? I just don't even want to be here anymore! I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

I don't know if this makes sense, but to me it isn't that he died. I could get over that in time. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but it is that his death was not "natural" Do you know what I mean? We are all taught about life and death from a very early age. We know of disease, fluke storms, freak accidents, even murder would be better. What I can not handle is that not man or God took my Dad from me. HE took HIMSELF away from me!!!

When this first happened (March 14th) After the initial shock, the swooning, throwing up, and oh God NO's.........I remember everyone saying he loved me, to cling to that. I remember saying and feeling, he didn't damn well love me enough to stay though did he!!! I tried to push that aside, as it just sounded so cold coming from me. Almost like hatred. And that is NOT what I feel for my Dad!! I love him to pieces! But I find, I am thinking this way again.
It IS a fact isn't it? He did this for him. Maybe he thought to spare me what he thought was worse...........but the fact is........for me THIS is the worst.
The fact is, he is gone, and he decided to leave me.

I told my friend last night, that I feel just absolutly robbed! I didn't even try to express my anger. We are close, and she said in time you wont feel that way. I said listen to me when I tell you this, you can ask me every year until the day I die....and I will tell you then, what I will tell you now........I will never be able to heal from this. AS much as I love him, as much as I am able to, I forgive him. But the fact remains........I feel just absolutly robbed!! He chose to leave me, and I will never be ok again for it.

*sigh* I know I will go on, cause there is no other choice. I know this is "normal" whatever the hell that is!! I know I will survive this, I KNOW it, but I just don't know how!

thanks for giving me a safe place to share, Nikki