I like to believe, no- need to believe, that I will see Dad again one day. Right now, I am not sure if I would hug and kiss him, or smack him first!

His suicide has left me with many issues and problems I never had before. I have talked about some of them with you, like my severe reaction when it snows

But, I have another one, one I haven't seen in any of the books I have read. I now, have an extremely hard time with goodbyes. Not just a hard time like I use to when someone I loved had to leave. Now, I completely fall apart.

It was saying a goodbye that brought that bridge and those thoughts to my mind. I am sure losing Lynn to this slow Alzheimer's death is also contributing to this, but I never had these feelings until Dad's suicide.

I feel nothing is solid any more. He told me he would always be here for me, yet, he didn't love me enough to stay. Now, I am reflecting the shock and hurt over his sudden loss to every goodbye I now say. It just rips me up inside. I feel so overwhelmed, like I just can not take one single more frigging goodbye!!

In surviving your loved ones suicide, did any of you ever have this particular reaction?

(((Nikki)))

Nikki, you may do a 3, then do them again. Swtich the order.

It's just a see you later. I never say goodbye.

Anger is healthy. You have every right to be big time ****** off.

Forgive the person, not the action.

Someone can have a cheating spouse and forgive them. I really doubt anyone forgives the action. I sure wouldn't.

It's a long hard road Nikki. It winds around. You will have detours and go off the road, but you will get there. We will all see you there.

It just more unfinished business dear Nikki. You didn't get to say goodbye to your dad and now when anyone leaves and you find that you "get to", "have to"....it's a reminder. That emptiness will eventually get filled up and the resentment will go away. Granted you'll never be the same but trust me, you will be okay.

I used to think that our Michael died alone until I realized that God was right there by his side. When I finally came to believe that I stopped being angry and just settled for learning to accept a life without him.

It took a lot longer than I ever dreamed it would. I can do goodbyes but for years I sobbed in church...very disturbing to the Pastor but my choices were stay home or go there and sob.

OK..... ((Alffe)) I just have to say, you awe me with your insight.

I have been debating writing about this since the bridge incident. I have just been a wreck. I have family and friends coming for visits this summer... I can't think about how wonderful it will be see them... I can't think of the Hello, because I am already dreading the goodbye!! ACCCCCK

DAMN! I just couldn't even see that as the reason why.. but as soon as I saw what you wrote, I knew to my core, it was a fact. " You didn't get to say goodbye to your dad and now when anyone leaves and you find that you "get to", "have to"....it's a reminder." WOW! So glad I found the courage to write and ask. I hate admitting weakness

((Curious)) Thank you so much for your reply "Forgive the person, not the action. " I learn so much, I gain so much strength from all of you. THAT is a great philosophy curious!! Maybe this is why forgiveness is coming so hard for me? I just CAN'T forgive the action. Now, Now I will try to separate the two, Dad.. the man I love so deeply.... and the action. Thank you so much for that!!! *crying*

((Alffe)) I am glad you truly know God was right there with your dear ((Michael)).

I can't explain how I know this, how I can feel it is a FACT.. but I know for certain that Dad was praying to God for the strength he needed...to do what he felt he had to. I may question why God didn't stop him, but I never doubted... I have always known - God was right there with Dad.

((Twink))

Aw Nikki !!!!!!!!!! (X 1,000,000)

You know, for me, goodbyes have always been very difficult... I feel always very worried... like... "will I see you again !?" you know... I hate to say goodbye....

I always cry...

But yeah, I think avoiding the word goodbyr can help... and hum... I have a dilema... you know, I like to think I will definetely see that person again, but, at the same time, I have to realize we dont know what will happen in the next second, so.......... Oh gosh... Im rambling as usually....

But, like my father and gran ma said: "See you later if God let us..."

And, about the other part, Im 99% you will see your dad again In a better place... and, to be honest, im sure you will hug and kiss him Coz, in that place, all of us act better... love each other... and forgive everything... EVERYTHING.....

His torment must have overwhelmed him to the point that he couldn't think about anything rationally. He must have seen darkness everywhere he turned at that point in time,as the darkness of that point in time closed in on him,and his dread closed in on him.

At that point he couldn't think about anything else but the problems closing in on him. His problems must have overshadowed everything,and he went deeper,and deeper into the unknown pain,and this fractured everything in his mind,and all hope was lost,and he sort of went into a coma away from reality before he took his life.

He was not rejecting you. He loved you,and you obviously love him. All of his hopes must have collapsed,and that could have caused a eclipse of all of the good things in his life. I have been close to this shadow of death,and the darkness is like a eclipse.

I assure you that he did not reject you. We cannot fathom what he was going through at that point. Psychiatrists don't even understand simple depression,and fear,and things like that. I know because I've been going to them for years. They don't know what we are going through. They can hardly make a diagnosis on some of us. They understand a little of it though.

We are all different. Our life experiences are all different. Our weaknesses,strengths,traumas,mental health, physical health,personalities,goals,and other things are all different.

Please know that he did not reject you,he just forgot everything at that point in time. He must have been in deep emotional pain.

Other forces in the Universe may have been a factor,and he may have been a temperary casualty. The thief comes to kill,steal,and distroy.( This is from the Bible)

Again I say he did not reject you. BF

I know dear Nikki, it feels like rejection, and that feeling can not be denied. It can only be worked through with time. I love you dear friend....sssssssss That implosion made him reject a lot of things. But, there is no blame, just unfortunate circumstances....

Nikki,

Brokenfriend has already posted what I was going to post today....

Your father loved you for sure. Thing is, that in my case for example, the times I have tried to commit suicide, I have been out of my mind... completely... let's say, I know my mom loves me, and I love her BUT, in those dark moments, my mind "order me" to think nobody, not even my mom cares about me... and my mind and heart feels like... "blind", or, "blank" and I cant even think that me too, loves her as well...

In those moments, we are not thinking properly....

((blue)) ((steve)) ((mistiis)) Thank you all very much for your support

You know it is hard trying to be "fair" to the issue because my pain certainly effects my ability to see through the truth I know you are all expressing.

I have known all my life the depths of Dad's love for me. But Mistiis you are so right, it is the worst type of rejection... and as ((alffe)) says, the ultimate FU. I guess what I need is time to sort through the pain enough,,, that I can find my way back to the love we shared.

Perhaps one day I will be able to forgive that we didn't get to say goodbye? I am working really really hard to separate the act, from the man. Hard work... but perhaps with time and my sos family I may get there yet

((curious)) wrote " It's a long hard road Nikki. It winds around. You will have detours and go off the road, but you will get there. We will all see you there."

I have no doubt if anyone can, it would be all of you. You saw me through all of last year.... times when I truly didn't think I could survive..... yet here I still am Thank you all for helping me to just keep swimming