[Lara]

Didn't know where to put this, but just wondered if anyone had any comments for me. I am not asking for sympathy or anything at all like that. I'm really asking if I'm being delusional about something because I feel as if I've been placed in a really uncomfortable and weird situation and I think I'm doing the right thing and that's what I think is important but I have people who are second-guessing my decision and the more they do this, the more I think maybe I've got it wrong or am in some sort of denial or something. Well, I don't really, but that's what the suggestion is. I'll try to make it brief.

So when I was very little, my mother died and I was taken away to live with some relatives of my father. I don't remember her at all. I know nothing about her except that she was very beautiful and very tall. Not much to go on, but hey, that's all there is. My relatives where I went to live didn't ever mention her, never talked about her, nothing. It was one of those situations where these people believed that talking about things only made sadness worse. bulldust. I lived my life feeling as if I'd been dropped off from another planet.

Anyway, about 2 years ago some relative of my mother tried to make contact with me through my ex-husband. He passed on the message to me and I let it go. 2 days ago another relative of my mother contacted my ex-husband asking for my address and details. I've lived my whole life dealing with what I was dealt and doing it alone. It's not always been easy, but I keep thinking... why on earth would these people be finally making contact with me after almost 1/2 a century? Why leave it till now?

So, I don't remember my mother at all. I do not know these people and I really do not want to have contact. I see that as quite understandable and yet, I get the feeling that I'm the only person who thinks that and it's starting to annoy the heck out of me. It's making me angry.

I spent my whole lifetime dealing with certain issues about having no parents. Because I don't have memories of my mother, and only a few of my father, I arrived at a place very, very early in my life where I realized there was only me and that was just the way it was and I had to build on that. I wish to keep things intact, if you know what I mean. I don't want some people who I don't know and never have known coming into my life and messing with my mind after all this time just because they are somehow related. It's not that simple.

I just don't undertand their motives and keep thinking that perhaps someone is ill or dying or something and they need to make contact for that sort of reason, but I just don't get it. I'm also angry that they keep contacting my ex-husband who couldn't care less about any of that. It's a total invasion of privacy I feel. The messages have been passed on to me and that was that. I didn't expect to have this continue on for the rest of my days.

So, that's the very short version, but the basics are sometimes clearer. I don't wish to have contact and I feel that's my right. Does that make sense?

[Curious]

lara...the HUGEST loving (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

blood does not make family. family lies hurt people deeply. finding out the lies is not always what is best. neither is finding out the truth when yu can't go back and change the past.

some know why i post on sos. but a situation kinda like yurs is what brings me here.

my fathers mother tried to commit suicide when he was very young. he and 2 siblings were taken in by different relatives. different sides of the families. my father was neglected and passed around. treated worse than a dog.

my father being the oldest remebers his mother. remembers the night she was taken away. remembers the horros of visitng her in the place they lockedher up ( in the 30's ) after they fried her brain with shock treatments. he never saw her again. she never remembered she had children. she lived the rest of her life in a home.

my fathers brother was a baby. he was told his whole life his mother had died. he found out the truth as an adult. it scarred him for life. he moved away. not to contact his family again for ever 25 years. my father has since seen him only a couple of times.

you do not have to contact this person lara. you have no obligation to. ifyour x wants and is willing to keep the contact information for you. then great. if you ever want to find them, then it is up to you. if they have medical or health information that you might need, then maybe he could get that for you. or somebody that can act as a middleman.

we are here for you lara. go with your gut feelings. your safety and well being are the most important thing here.

[Lara]

Thankyou for your reply, Curious. What a dreadful tragedy in your family. I'm so sorry. I just don't understand why people would lie like that. It's worse than not talking about it at all. In a way I feel that's where this whole business is leading.

The ex told me the person phoning said something about losing contact with me when my father took me away after my mother died. Well, that isn't what happened at all. My father didn't take me away, his relatives did. My father had been POW in WWII, first in Changhi prison and then on Burma railway for the whole of the war. He survived unlike many others, came home, fell in love, married, started getting his life back together, had me, then his wife died. My father was not able to care for me and I rarely saw him until he also died when I was a teenager.

So, already they have their facts wrong and why they're discussing this with my ex-husband I just don't know. It's not his business and I sure told him that when he called and told me that he'd received another phone call with people looking to contact me, and really it's not their business to be doing so. It's just gone and jumbled up my head a bit and I wish these two people had never made any contact at all. Maybe would be different if the contact had been made when I was little, but now???

It's not like I've lived my whole life with all this in some compartment box in my head and not thought about it. I spent about 30 years of my life somewhat consumed by it and working through it all. I got to a place of acceptance where everything was sorted out and more comfortable and then this. I just wondered if I was wrong about all this. I mean, we only live this one life knowing the people we do, but these people are strangers and they don't know me or anything about me and I don't really want them to ...

[Alffe]

Lara, I hear what you are saying and I think everyone else is just going to have to abide by your wishes...you've adjusted to it, worked your way thru it and it has to be very unsettling for some strangers to decide to stir the pot for whatever their reasons. It's impossible to miss something you never had...people have trouble getting that when "they" have a different agenda.

We mellow with age but we don't turn into something we've never been...at least most people don't...we evolve thru what we have experienced in our lives...both present and past.

Do your children have curiousity about their grandparents relatives?

I think you are feeling the right things...including anger. (((Lara)))

[Lara]

Alffe said: Do your children have curiousity about their grandparents relatives?

No. My daughter has always asked more questions about my parents than her brother has, but she's never taken it any further than that. She said yesterday that she couldn't understand why they would persist in trying to contact me after all this time. That's what she couldn't understand either. We're very close and we talk. They know about my father's family history and she's always shown interest in geneology of the family name and all that, but has never expressed any interest in my mother's side of the family. I guess that's because we don't know any of it. lol If she wants to for some reason in the future, that's up to her. My son (autism spectrum) doesn't really contemplate history at all. He lives in a different time and place. His world is in the instant... the here and now. Not the past and not the future. That's just the way he is although he has taken to making plans which is something he's never done before. Great step forward for him I see. Helps me not worry about him quite so much in the future when I'm not around.

Thanks for you reply. I always find it difficult talking about "me". It just has helped today to clarify my thoughts a lot. Thankyou.

[Addy]

Dear Lara... you, too, are tall and beautiful. I can say that with conviction and truth because I know it to be a fact. I imagine that you may look very much like your mother.

Hold on strong to the steps you have taken to take care of yourself and your children.

I will never forgot the strength I saw in you when I first met you... both here and in real life. Although you may not feel this - I have admired and gathered personal strength from knowing you. I will always treasure our bond.

I think that perhaps these family members are curious. You are a part of something they lost - your mother. That being said... they were not there for you when you needed them most. Perhaps they are young (your age) and had no responsiblity at the time but if they are your mothers age then I say shame on them... where were they when you needed them most? Perhaps they are wanting to explain and ask your forgiveness.... you may feel this curiousity and wonder, too...

I trust that you will make the decision that is right for you.

I am so pleased to hear that your son and daughter are doing well as can be at this time.

My love to you and yours xooxxoo from Addy

[hsiw]

I dont want to read others posts yet, so there may be some overlap in what I say and what they say, but here goes:

If it were me, I would definitely call these people back. However, your'e not me. I know that new information can definitely change your perspective of your mother and of your history, so it may not be a good idea if your not ready for that change. But knowing would ease your mind of where you have come from and help you learn a bit about yourself and your mother and/or father.

I have often dabbled with the idea of asking relatives more complex questions about my mother, wondering what she was like at my age, pretty much every question you could imagine, i would love to ask. I often think of calling up my grandmother and questioning her, but somehow always stop myself.

I once found out something about my mother I didnt necessarily ask to hear, and I spent weeks rearranging my idea of her and it upset me that she wasnt exactly the way i had remembered her. My dad just told me last night that my grandmother's (the other one) sister killed herself about 30 years ago. I had always heard different reasons for her death like illness and cancer, but never that. I was in shock that night trying to figure out why my grandmother likes to keep secrets and i didnt know this before.

i once got a christmas card from my mothers friend from her 20s that worked in an office with her, I decided to write her back and tell her that i was her daughter and about myself. Ever since, we have written Xmas cards to each other and she sometimes sends me photos of her that I have never seen before.

In a book I received as a gift, Motherless Daughters, there is a portion that mentions a woman who has always wanted more information about her mother... she said that she ended up writing out questionnaires and mailing them to all her relatives and mothers friends just so she could fill in the blanks to her life. Sometimes, you just have to know.

it is tough not knowing what to do. i think your best bet is to make a list of the pros and cons and figure out whether you personally think it is better to call them or to not call them. would you be upset by new info? would you be better off answering so many unsolved questions that you have always wanted to know? which is more important to you?

*Wish

[Lara]

Thankyou, Wish and Addy.
Love to you both.

Actually I do know what I am going to do, but my problem was that some other people seemed to think that wasn't the right thing to do (or maybe it wasn't what *they* would do and of course, they're not me lol) and so I found that confusing and unsure if my thinking about all this was flawed or something. You see, I'm not even curious really to learn about these people or meet them. I already know all I need to know about myself at this point in time and certainly about my father. They wouldn't know anything about him. I'm not even curious really to learn about these people. It's got nothing to do with finding out anything sad or bad about my mother, it's just that I feel intruded upon at this time in my life. There is nothing that they can tell me about anyone except my mother and I figure why has it taken them almost 50 years to contact me. I wasn't aware they existed. These people are not my age, they're a lot older than me. I don't wish to have contact and I feel that is my right.

I totally understand what you've said, Wish. When I was your age I was much more open to finding out things but back then I had no-one to ask. It's just that I feel I've reached a time in my life now where I don't have those questions anymore.

I no longer have the need to fill in those blanks. I no longer feel less than whole by not knowing things about my mother like I did for years as a child. I feel all this is a good thing but was really just curious about what others thought because someone in my life suggested that contacting these people was something that I should do... almost as if it was for their sake rather than mine. Maybe they are the people trying to fill in the blanks. I don't know. They're total strangers to me.

I also feel it's a little late and a little rude for people to be contacting my former husband about such a private matter concerning me. He doesn't seem to think so! Surely if I had wanted contact I would have done that the first time they left their details with him and he passed them on to me. I don't really care whether it's good, bad or just regular old information. That's not really what I'm thinking about, it's more that I don't feel as if I'm in a place where I need to go down that path anymore. I did once, but that was a long time ago... if that makes sense to anyone except me.

[~scrabble]

(((Lara))) ........ It does make sense. You sound like you have made a decision after much thought and that you are looking out for yourself - which I think is important. I hope the people who have tried to contact you can get the message and respect your wishes.

*waves at Wish!

[hsiw]

Lara, I think it is good you have made your decision, and you should stick to it. Who cares what these other people think? They are not you and don't have to deal with what you do. I am glad that you decided what you are going to do, I just hope that others aren't going to or trying to get in your way. Good luck with this Lara!

*waves at scrabble