[Jinxicat9]

Forgiving me for dumping this out…I just need to get it out somewhere private where others might understand.

The past few months I’ve seen three neuropsychologists and two therapists for evaluations for court hearing next week. We’re in the fiduciary hearings for the claims and court actions against the insurance companies. These sessions weren’t for testing, but about my daily life, stress, family and my support system…How the day to day things affect me and what my needs are.

There were several sessions with me and a couple with just my husband. There started to be a lot of questions geared towards my relation/marriage with my husband. My accident was in August of 2009. I was married in May of 09, only a few months before the accident.

In the last two sessions with just me, there have been some issues brought up regarding my husband not being physically and emotionally supportive. The reasoning being that my financial outlook should not include my husband’s income in determining my damages because the sessions “revealed” that I may do better physically, emotionally and mentally being on my own and that I was slowly coming to that conclusion. The social worker has discussed that she is concerned that eventually I will leave my marriage due to the strain and drain it puts one me.

Somewhere way back in the shadows of my mind, I suppose I knew that. My husband is not a bad guy, but he’s extremely passive and heavily dependent on me. Too dependent.

During one of the sessions with both my husband and myself, the therapist was talking with us about household organization; something that husband is terrible at and it causes me much frustration. I need structure and repetition so I know what’s what and which is where. It doesn’t work out so good cause husband moves everything around on me and frequently changes up our household routine. Passive agressive maybe. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want me to get better.

The therapist came right out and asked him if he was sabotaging my progress or hindering my well-being without realizing that was what he was doing. This part is hard for me…My husband laid his head over on my arm, almost my lap, like a small child would do and said very timidly, he was doing the best he could, but he’s always been the “baby” of his family (youngest of four) and he was used to being taken care of.

It wasn’t what he said that sent me spiraling, but that he laid his head on me as if he were a child that needed consoling and coddling. I was embarrassed and, well, ashamed of how weak and meek he came off as.

It’s not the first time it’s been brought up that he may be too needy to be supportive for me. Most of my friends think he’s a nice guy but that his emotional needs are too much for me if I’m to have any recovery at all.

I thought about this many times but then always pushed it to the back of my mind. I’ve thought about how much easier it would be for me to concentrate on me if I weren’t so exhausted trying to keep my marriage normal all by myself.

My physical therapist even talked to him about things, little things that my husband could do to help me along, but it was to no avail. I explained that he (husband) just didn’t get what a TBI is all about. My therapist told me that he does get, but he’s not the kind of person that wants to deal with other’s needs or will make the effort.

It’s hitting me now…I wasn’t making anything “look” normal or be normal. Everyone was seeing the drain and strain on me and they all knew why. Maybe I did too, I don’t know. Maybe I felt it, but needed validation that I was feeling sucked to dry of energy to have anything left for me.

I’m going to be asked a lot of question about my life/living with a TBI during the hearings and I’ve been advised so. I’m embarrassed that I’ve put my own healing on the back shelf or may have been in denial of what’s hindering some kind of recovery, even if minimal recovery and just learning a new way. He holds me back.

I used to be a strong person, very independent. I was a single parent (widowed) for 13 years before I met my husband. I miss the ease and simplicity of just taking care of me.

Again, I apologize for just dumping this out here. It’s not just the TBI that has changed me but also having to hold up both ends of the marriage on my own. I’m feeling like I have and still am sacrificing what’s best for me to not hurt him. I’m not supported, helped or encouraged…I don’t think he knows how to, or possibly just doesn't wants to.

I know the divorce rate is high under circumstances of health issues and now I'm starting to believe that having a TBI really does change everything, or is at least opening my eyes to what I didn't see before.

[Klaus]

If you are having to look after him while you're the one going through a TBI, then clearly something needs to change.

Beyond that I don't feel qualified or knowledgeable enough to say yes or no to such a sensitive question, but just wanted you to know that I'm listening and feeling for you.

One suggestion - you could look at separating for a while, see how that works for you and see if you get better without him around, but without having to make the decision about ending it for good. That way you might avoid the stress of going through a divorce while you're this unwell, and the worry that you were making an irreversible decision under such difficult conditions.

Best wishes

[cheergirl]

Originally Posted by Jinxicat9

Forgiving me for dumping this out…I just need to get it out somewhere private where others might understand.

The past few months I’ve seen three neuropsychologists and two therapists for evaluations for court hearing next week. We’re in the fiduciary hearings for the claims and court actions against the insurance companies. These sessions weren’t for testing, but about my daily life, stress, family and my support system…How the day to day things affect me and what my needs are.

There were several sessions with me and a couple with just my husband. There started to be a lot of questions geared towards my relation/marriage with my husband. My accident was in August of 2009. I was married in May of 09, only a few months before the accident.

In the last two sessions with just me, there have been some issues brought up regarding my husband not being physically and emotionally supportive. The reasoning being that my financial outlook should not include my husband’s income in determining my damages because the sessions “revealed” that I may do better physically, emotionally and mentally being on my own and that I was slowly coming to that conclusion. The social worker has discussed that she is concerned that eventually I will leave my marriage due to the strain and drain it puts one me.

Somewhere way back in the shadows of my mind, I suppose I knew that. My husband is not a bad guy, but he’s extremely passive and heavily dependent on me. Too dependent.

During one of the sessions with both my husband and myself, the therapist was talking with us about household organization; something that husband is terrible at and it causes me much frustration. I need structure and repetition so I know what’s what and which is where. It doesn’t work out so good cause husband moves everything around on me and frequently changes up our household routine. Passive agressive maybe. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want me to get better.

The therapist came right out and asked him if he was sabotaging my progress or hindering my well-being without realizing that was what he was doing. This part is hard for me…My husband laid his head over on my arm, almost my lap, like a small child would do and said very timidly, he was doing the best he could, but he’s always been the “baby” of his family (youngest of four) and he was used to being taken care of.

It wasn’t what he said that sent me spiraling, but that he laid his head on me as if he were a child that needed consoling and coddling. I was embarrassed and, well, ashamed of how weak and meek he came off as.

It’s not the first time it’s been brought up that he may be too needy to be supportive for me. Most of my friends think he’s a nice guy but that his emotional needs are too much for me if I’m to have any recovery at all.

I thought about this many times but then always pushed it to the back of my mind. I’ve thought about how much easier it would be for me to concentrate on me if I weren’t so exhausted trying to keep my marriage normal all by myself.

My physical therapist even talked to him about things, little things that my husband could do to help me along, but it was to no avail. I explained that he (husband) just didn’t get what a TBI is all about. My therapist told me that he does get, but he’s not the kind of person that wants to deal with other’s needs or will make the effort.

It’s hitting me now…I wasn’t making anything “look” normal or be normal. Everyone was seeing the drain and strain on me and they all knew why. Maybe I did too, I don’t know. Maybe I felt it, but needed validation that I was feeling sucked to dry of energy to have anything left for me.

I’m going to be asked a lot of question about my life/living with a TBI during the hearings and I’ve been advised so. I’m embarrassed that I’ve put my own healing on the back shelf or may have been in denial of what’s hindering some kind of recovery, even if minimal recovery and just learning a new way. He holds me back.

I used to be a strong person, very independent. I was a single parent (widowed) for 13 years before I met my husband. I miss the ease and simplicity of just taking care of me.

Again, I apologize for just dumping this out here. It’s not just the TBI that has changed me but also having to hold up both ends of the marriage on my own. I’m feeling like I have and still am sacrificing what’s best for me to not hurt him. I’m not supported, helped or encouraged…I don’t think he knows how to, or possibly just doesn't wants to.

I know the divorce rate is high under circumstances of health issues and now I'm starting to believe that having a TBI really does change everything, or is at least opening my eyes to what I didn't see before.

Wow, I am sorry to hear what you're going through... And I wish I'd have looked at this before. I guess no-one wants to say "leave or stay" because no-one wants that responsibility, even to a stranger online.
I'll stick my neck out; I am a stranger online.
My first instinct is to say: you know... Your gut reaction tells you the truth...
What is acceptable b4 the brain injury is probably no longer acceptable.
You kind of need to put yourself first...Hard though it may be.... All the best

[Mark in Idaho]

jinx,

I so feel sorry for your situation. This is becoming a big eye opening experience.

You are just two years into your marriage and your TBI. He has had plenty of time to show if he has what it takes to step up to the plate. It sounds more like you adopted him rather than married him. He was looking for a mother. You were looking for a companion.

I am not a believer in divorce as a solution. But I also hold high regard for the institution of marriage. I have been married 31 years. Marriage is a union where both parties need to be good at giving of themselves to the other. He does not appear to have ever be the type of person who knows how to give of himself. That is not uncommon in today's culture. Being the baby of the family is no excuse. He can make choices but is choosing not to.

My baby brother is 14 years younger than me. He was the youngest of 6 kids and was treated like royalty. But, he has stepped up to the plate in every way conceivable.

I bet hubby's problem is more that he was and still is a momma's boy. They are not the good long marriage type.

Has the question been put to him in joint counseling? Does he want to go on with you in your current condition? I bet he can list a bunch of "She never does "this" for me anymore. But... his passive nature means he will be challenged to make a definitive statement about ending the marriage.

Maybe he needs to be asked the right questions. Like: What would you like to see Jinx doing in your relationship? What things can you do to help her with her recovery? What are your thoughts for the future if she never recovers beyond where she is today? What would you likely do if her condition deteriorated?

For two or three decades, my parents had an arms length relationship do to some personality quirks in my dad do to a very slow onset of ischemic dementia. When he finally started a deep decline into life ending dementia about 10 years ago, Mom became a different person. Her caring for him became a sight to behold. She became a very loving and nurturing woman.

Can you imaging him caring for you is you were in serious decline? Or is his love or whatever it is conditional on you serving his needs?

I don't think you have much choice. Setting up a separate support structure without him in the way will be less problematic. I was about to say 'easier,' but I know it won't be easy.


My best to you.

[redloui]

boy can i relate, and sympathise, although i'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. you seem to be doing very well, and your husband isn't helping your recovery, you are the only one who can answer "would i be OK without him?" if your answer is yes, and you would be physically and emotionally able to cope on your own (with or without children, i didn't see), & if you've coped being alone before, and you can't see being with him, as helping either of you, then you are reaching for us to say what you already know!
i don't want to hijack your post, but i see myself in a similar and yet altogether different scenario, my partner is the one with the TBI, and he's the needy one and its killing me, and our relationship. That probably sounds horrendous to all of you who have suffered with TBI's yourselves, but i'm getting to the end of my tolerance. its been 13months since my partner's condition took a turn for the worse, and there's no improvement, in fact he's declining due to his circumstances, waiting for a judgement too, unable to work, unable to drive, and with a 24/7 supervision inplace for his own safety we can't even live together. He does nothing, and he's drowning. and i'm not sure i can go down with him. i can't fix anything, i've worked my *** off trying to get him to Dr's and laywers, no one seems to understand his condition, nor make him any better. i work 40+ hours a week, and drive 2+ hrs a day to get to work, i get home for 15mins and rush out to visit him. getting back at 9pm intime to sleep. i don't eat, i don't do anything except work & visit. (i'm sure i'm exaggerating, but that's how it feels) i'm so sorry for his loss, i'm so sympathetic to his condition, but his attitude, and his mood swings, and the unreasonable anger, all get taken out on me, and i am struggling being the one to take all this. if i stay with him, i'm going to loose myself, and yet i can't possibly leave our home, and the possibility that someday he could come back home, and be well again. (or at least a new kind of well) i'm just drowning, and i don't know what to do next. what Dr. can i call to get him to see, and why can't the medical & judicial system hurry up, so we can get on with our lives. Frustrated in Canada!

[cheergirl]

Originally Posted by redloui

boy can i relate, and sympathise, although i'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. you seem to be doing very well, and your husband isn't helping your recovery, you are the only one who can answer "would i be OK without him?" if your answer is yes, and you would be physically and emotionally able to cope on your own (with or without children, i didn't see), & if you've coped being alone before, and you can't see being with him, as helping either of you, then you are reaching for us to say what you already know!
i don't want to hijack your post, but i see myself in a similar and yet altogether different scenario, my partner is the one with the TBI, and he's the needy one and its killing me, and our relationship. That probably sounds horrendous to all of you who have suffered with TBI's yourselves, but i'm getting to the end of my tolerance. its been 13months since my partner's condition took a turn for the worse, and there's no improvement, in fact he's declining due to his circumstances, waiting for a judgement too, unable to work, unable to drive, and with a 24/7 supervision inplace for his own safety we can't even live together. He does nothing, and he's drowning. and i'm not sure i can go down with him. i can't fix anything, i've worked my *** off trying to get him to Dr's and laywers, no one seems to understand his condition, nor make him any better. i work 40+ hours a week, and drive 2+ hrs a day to get to work, i get home for 15mins and rush out to visit him. getting back at 9pm intime to sleep. i don't eat, i don't do anything except work & visit. (i'm sure i'm exaggerating, but that's how it feels) i'm so sorry for his loss, i'm so sympathetic to his condition, but his attitude, and his mood swings, and the unreasonable anger, all get taken out on me, and i am struggling being the one to take all this. if i stay with him, i'm going to loose myself, and yet i can't possibly leave our home, and the possibility that someday he could come back home, and be well again. (or at least a new kind of well) i'm just drowning, and i don't know what to do next. what Dr. can i call to get him to see, and why can't the medical & judicial system hurry up, so we can get on with our lives. Frustrated in Canada!

good luck, hon...

[Jinxicat9]

Redloui, I empathize with you completely. All of us can be drained dry emotionally, physically and mentally when over-taxed by the needs of another. Do you have support and counseling for yourself? It sounds like you're running on empty and there's no time for re-charging yourself.

Perhaps you should give yourself permission to have some time for just your life outside of running yourself ragged trying to do it all. It's ok to take time for yourself, nothing bad is going to happen to him if you don't visit every single day. Regardless of his condition, he has to learn and adapt to change also. Whether he likes it or wants to is in all honesty, irrelevant.

For me, I'm very independent, always have been, always will be. Having a TBI is not an excuse for thoughtless selfish behavior. I am "some" different and I miss my old self at times, but I don't dislike who I am now either and there's still a lot of the old me left. Not all of the changes I've experienced are negative, there's a balance of trade-offs for me that I'm willing to accept.

What I don't like is the constant expectation that I feel from my spouse that there's some magic pill or treatment that will change everything back to "normal". This is my normal. But it has little to do with me and it's more about him and his needs. Mark hit it the nail on the head. My spouse needs to be taken care of...Coddled.

I wouldn't have coddled him before my TBI and I won't do it now. But his neediness and the passive way he expresses it wears on me. I want to shout at him that this time it's not about him, but I don't even have enough left in me to do that. I feel like I have a 55 year old toddler constantly tugging at my skirt.

Ever see that cartoon from Family Guy where Stewie is going "Mom, mom, mom, ma, ma, mom, mom" and finally the mom says "What?"...Then Stewie says sheepishly "hi" and runs off all innocent. I'm her, Lois...Guess who's Stewie? I'm weary of it and it's becoming too much for me.

Cheergirl, you're likely right, I suppose I already have known in the back of my mind where my heart and head was going with this. Putting it out there just kind of made it real for me.

Mark, What can I say? Thank you. You missed your calling. You always seem to be a voice of reason and wisdom. Your thoughts gave me much food for thought and soul searching. Thank you for the sincere thoughtfulness of what you shared with me. It means a lot to me.

[redloui]

Originally Posted by Jinxicat9

Redloui, I empathize with you completely. All of us can be drained dry emotionally, physically and mentally when over-taxed by the needs of another. Do you have support and counseling for yourself? It sounds like you're running on empty and there's no time for re-charging yourself.

Perhaps you should give yourself permission to have some time for just your life outside of running yourself ragged trying to do it all. It's ok to take time for yourself, nothing bad is going to happen to him if you don't visit every single day. Regardless of his condition, he has to learn and adapt to change also. Whether he likes it or wants to is in all honesty, irrelevant.

For me, I'm very independent, always have been, always will be. Having a TBI is not an excuse for thoughtless selfish behavior. I am "some" different and I miss my old self at times, but I don't dislike who I am now either and there's still a lot of the old me left. Not all of the changes I've experienced are negative, there's a balance of trade-offs for me that I'm willing to accept.

What I don't like is the constant expectation that I feel from my spouse that there's some magic pill or treatment that will change everything back to "normal". This is my normal. But it has little to do with me and it's more about him and his needs. Mark hit it the nail on the head. My spouse needs to be taken care of...Coddled.

I wouldn't have coddled him before my TBI and I won't do it now. But his neediness and the passive way he expresses it wears on me. I want to shout at him that this time it's not about him, but I don't even have enough left in me to do that. I feel like I have a 55 year old toddler constantly tugging at my skirt.

Ever see that cartoon from Family Guy where Stewie is going "Mom, mom, mom, ma, ma, mom, mom" and finally the mom says "What?"...Then Stewie says sheepishly "hi" and runs off all innocent. I'm her, Lois...Guess who's Stewie? I'm weary of it and it's becoming too much for me.

Cheergirl, you're likely right, I suppose I already have known in the back of my mind where my heart and head was going with this. Putting it out there just kind of made it real for me.

Mark, What can I say? Thank you. You missed your calling. You always seem to be a voice of reason and wisdom. Your thoughts gave me much food for thought and soul searching. Thank you for the sincere thoughtfulness of what you shared with me. It means a lot to me.

Jinxi - you are wise beyond your difficulties, i can see your brain injury has not lost you any of your true compassionate capabilities. Live strong, and you will survive. Me too, with the 55 yr old toddler at my skirts, i'm sorry i don't have the emotional fortitude to be a better spouse for him, but i've really tried. I'm fine, will survive, good luck and good health to all who suffer. - Red.

[owen]

well lets call a spade a spade. If you love him then stay with him. If his actions have caused you to fall out of love with him, then go. But there isnt going back from some things, so just be careful.

[frzrdoor2]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I"ve had alot of personal drama in the past few years and in the long run, I firmly believe there comes a time in someone's life that they must do what is best for them.
I also subscribe to the "trust your gut" syndrome as it's guided me in different scenarios.
Only you know what is best for your situation. Whether or not you act on it, is up to you. I also know, the worst part is trying to figure out your decision.
Once that's made, the rest just comes easier.