***This is long, but I'd appreciate it if you read through it.***

I was hesitant to post about this because for one, it's embarrassing. And two, I don't want people to think I'm just whining or over-exaggerating. At this point, I don't care. Hopefully someone here can either relate or have some useful advice for me.

Everyday I am foggy and have trouble concentrating, thinking, talking and doing anything. I can't do ANYTHING - no TV, talking more than a few sentences to someone, no more than 15 minutes on the computer, can't even go for walks...This is normal for me. Even if I lock myself in my room all day staring at the ceiling, not talking to anyone (which is what I usually do anyways). Yesterday, about an hour before I got picked up for bible study...I suddenly became more foggy than I've ever been since the injury. I could barely talk. I got picked up by the guy who runs the bible study...and the whole ride he was talking to me and I couldn't keep up with what he was saying AT ALL. He just kept looking over at me, waiting on a response..but I couldn't say anything. The fog was getting worse and worse to the point I could barely move.

I managed to get out "I don't feel good, I'm very foggy."...He knows about the head injury, we all pray about it every time I go to bible study...so he kind of understood. We get to the place my ex-fiance and the kids are staying (we were picking them up for bible study) and I get out the car...I could barely walk. As I was going up the stairs my heart rate increased to what I believe had to be over 100 BPM. We get back in the car and it's getting worse and worse, to the point I feel like I'm going to fade out.

We get to the "House of Peace", the place we have bible study...and when I walked in, the guy's wife looked at me and said "Are you okay?"...I guess how I was feeling was written all over my face....BLANK. It's like she had some sort of radar that detected how I was feeling. All I could say is "No."..They kept asking me what's wrong, I could only shake my head....Heart rate increased back to over 100 BPM and I thought I was having a panic attack, so I ran to the kitchen and took a Xanax.

Things got worse after that...I walked to the bathroom like a zombie, splashed water on my face...that didn't work...I looked in the mirror and could barely recognize my own face. I knew it was something serious. The only way I can explain how I felt is "I felt like I was fading away, like I wasn't going to know who I am anymore."...When I came out the bathroom, everyone was staring at me...they were talking to me but I couldn't understand what they were saying...According to them I became unresponsive. I remember them all standing around me praying.

Next thing I know, we're on the way to the ER. Once I was at the ER, the fog began to lift little by little. They took my blood pressure, which was 160/something....I forget...it was high...which is what my blood pressure has been since the injury. They ran blood tests, they came back okay...and they sent me on my way. After leaving the ER, the fog completely lifted and I felt something that I hadn't felt since before the injury. Normal. It was awesome...I said a prayer and thanked God for giving my brain the ability to feel normal, even if it was short lived.

When I woke up today...I thought it was gonna be a good day. I kept a positive attitude, tried to stay away from obsessively reading posts on here and keep away from stimulation. As the day progressed, the fog started to come back and it became worse and worse, like it did yesterday.

I had an appointment yesterday for an MRI that was requested by the new neurologist. I didn't go...didn't think it was necessary. When I started feeling like I did yesterday, I called and rescheduled for today. I didn't go because when I woke up I was fine and thought that yesterday was just a PCS "episode" that I was having.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is...besides letting everyone know what I'm dealing with in my life right now...should I get the MRI done...just to be safe? I'm at war with myself whether I should do it or not. Honestly...honestly...I feel as though I'm not recovering at all. In fact, I feel like I'm getting worse. And that's not just the anxiety talking. I used to be able to watch at least 30 minutes of TV without becoming a space cadet. Now I can't watch it for more than 5 seconds. I don't even bother turning it on anymore. Computer time...used to be able to sit here for hours before I felt foggy. Now, 5 minutes. My driving skills get worse every time I hop in the car. When I say used to, I'm talking like a month or two ago. And I'm 7 months out from my injury. Things should be getting better, not worse? Right? Especially since I'm resting and doing everything that's ever been suggested here on this forum.

I'm doing everything I can to improve my recovery. I kicked my ex-fiance and her son out (big stress relief), I'm getting plenty of rest (8+ hours of sleep at night). I go for walks, take my vitamins everyday, occasionally have a short conversation on the phone and small talk with the family to keep up with my social skills (but they still suck 80% of the time)...I'm going to my appointments, I'm taking medicine for anxiety (though it's not working much)...I'm trying to stay positive...Everyday I wake up and thank the Lord for another day and declare VICTORY (telling myself it's going to be a good day). No TV (can't watch it anyways), no video games...I don't know what else to do...I tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, HA, that was a joke. I couldn't even keep up with what the guy was talking about. I was a space cadet after his first question...and then he just stared at me, waiting for me to say something...but I was BLANK. Didn't go back......I'm on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

I scheduled an appointment with the Lied Clinic to get my Sinusitis taken care of...in case that can be the cause of worsening symptoms (doubt it, but worth a try). Also going to see if they can give me something for blood pressure, since it's been consistently high.

What else can I do? I know the answer...nothing. There is nothing else I can do but wait. I've tried for so long to just keep cool and wait it out, but with the way things are going now..I've lost my bearing. The more I lay around in my room and do nothing, the more my anxiety eats away at me (no matter how much I try to avoid it) and makes my symptoms worse. The more I do, the worse my symptoms are. It's a Catch 22.

I've been suggested to not pay any attention to my symptoms, as it will make them worse...but my symptoms are so severe, it has taken over my life...it's kind of hard to ignore this very, very uncomfortable feeling that is there all day, 24/7. It is absolute TORTURE!!!...What you see listed in my signature is what I deal with on a daily basis...not just one or two of them, everything there (well, except panic attacks..those happen like once every week or two). I've developed ways to work around some of my flaws, but not all of the symptoms can be dealt with in that way.

I want to give thanks to everyone here on this forum that's ever posted any useful information, suggestion and story as this place has been my hang out and place to vent since October. You guys are awesome.

I'm done now, thank you for reading.