[Sandwalker]

This is a serious question to the parents out there that know how it is to raise a baby. Dealing with the crying, sleepless nights etc that's associated with a newborn. Let me explain my dilemma...

I had my 2nd concussion about 2 years ago and am still dealing with PCS symptoms. I've been SLOWLY getting better at dealing with the symptoms by avoiding triggers, changing my health habits and lifestyle.

The main remaining symptoms are dizziness and brain fog. I run my own business, so I've learned how to plow through these symptoms without extended time off like many recommend. I mainly deal with it by keeping a flexible schedule, resting when needed in between tasks and keeping multi-tasking to a minimum.

On to my question for the parents out there: One major trigger for me is loud sounds. If I'm at a restaurant or public place and there's a baby crying, I simply have to get up and leave. The sharp, high-pitched screams they make sets off my trigger big time. I get headaches, dizziness and/or brain fog which can last several hours.

My long-time girlfriend has been patient so far with me trying to recover with my PCS. However, the time has come that we wanted to get married and start a family. I seriously have doubts if I can handle raising a baby properly with my current condition.

I'd like to hear from parents out there that have PCS and raised a newborn. And also to ask - Would you plan to have a newborn baby if you already had PCS with the problems I just described?

This is causing a major problem for me and my girlfriend. Any help is appreciated!!

[Mark in Idaho]

sandwalker,

Good question. In my experience, there is a big difference between a crying baby at a restaurant or store and the crying of your own baby. I have a grand-daughter who is teething. When her gums hurt, she will screen and shake until we get some Oragel on her gums. I tolerate it OK. My favorite thing is to get her to settle down and fall asleep on my chest. I lay her on my chest while reclined in my recliner. I stroke her back and rub her head. She is usually tired from crying but needs to settle down. When she does, it is wonderful.

Raising children will be a challenge but it always is. Establishing a low stress household will create a great place to raise children. You can do this. You need to continue to learn these skills and be sure your girlfriend is fully on-board with these skills.

My best to you.

[rmschaver]

Maybe a few questions are in order first. DO YOU want this child as much as your girlfriend? Raising a child is a lifetime commitment. Once a parent always a parent. Is your girlfriend ready and willing to go it alone when you need a break for your health?

Are you financially capable of a home that will allow everyone a comfortable place to be. When the child is loud and upset and you need a break where will everyone go? I have raised two of my own. I helped my sister raise her son when he was older and acting out.

Children need above all else to know, TO FEEL they are always loved, wanted and safe. I believe it would be a challenge. I also feel if you and your girlfriend really want a child you will do so. With a little for-thought and planning you should be able to do so comfortably even on a limited budget.

I would seriously look into child rearing classes as you are not going to want to be behind the curve so to speak. Knowing the psychological stages your child is going thru is a tremendous help in understanding why they are upset. Knowing is half way to comforting and quieting a child. It is also why grandparents can be so good with their grand children. We have done it already.

[Mark in Idaho]

BTW, All three of my kids were born while I was suffering from mild PCS. They had a very stabilizing impact on my life. So did marriage. Even with our struggles through the years, my PCS did not stop me from being a good dad. I had some problems with outbursts with my son ( my oldest kid) from time to time until I notice him cower from me. It broke my heart and woke me up. It was 15 years later before I understood my PCS outbursts. If I understood PCS way back then, I would have been much better at being a father and a husband.

Since you are already learning these things, you should be fine. Your girlfriend needs to connect with the TBI community for occasional support. If she is interested, she can email or PM me and I can put her in touch with my wife. She can explain the issues to be aware of.

I do not believe in the current psychology of child rearing. I can discuss my ideas later. I believe with a few strong convictions of how to love and raise a child, you will be fine. The more important issue is to have a strong agreement about these issues with your future wife.

Raising kids is a fantastic experience between moments of sheer terror. You can't stop the moments of sheer terror. (kid lost in a store, first high fever, daughter's first date) but the rest makes it well worth it.

btw, My daughter and son-in-law have experienced the Iraq war with blast concussion and PTSD effects but having a baby is bringing out the best in them.

Get on the same page with your lady and you will do fine. Get settled with your disability rating and living situation before you start baby making. Too many plates spinning at the same time is not good.

My best to you.

[srgallan]

Sandwalker,

At the date of my incident I had a 4 year old son and a baby on the way. Now he is 5 and my youngest is 7 months old.

I found they gave me the motivation to go on. I kept feeling that my inability to do certain activities with them that I was letting them down as a father and I needed to do the best I could at recovery.

I won't deny the long nights of a crying or fussy child or the constant colds they got does not take a toll. But I love my little rascals and would do it all over.

That said, I don't know much about your situation such as age, health and etc...it would be better without PCS for sure but so would many things. Other risks are depression post birth and it can be a rough time for the mother, so it's important to support each other going through this if you do move forward with PCS. Do you have family support near by to help give you breaks?

[rmschaver]

Sounds like Mark and Gallan have good advice. The rewards are great and personally I believe children bring so much good into our lives.

[srgallan]

Sandwalker,

I asked my wife yourr question for her input, although I gave you my point of view earlier I wanted to ask hers.

She said she found it extremely difficult in the beginning when I was less functional to bring in another baby into our household. She was very stressed and on edge all the time worrying about me and being the primary caregiver to the baby, while I did what I could I still had many dr appts and had to rest frequently.

Although the kids gave me the motivation to go on and I do think a large part of my recovery to date I think can be attributed to them, she found it very difficult. Also, talk to your GP about depression post birth and be prepared for that scenario, you don't want to have that added into the mix.

As first time parents, there is a bit of added strain as your possibly in unfamiliar territory and basically parenting by love and instincts without experience. So alot of trial and error will take place in combination with good advice from your parents and/or friends. Are one of you going to take 6 months/1 year off after the baby is born? Do one of you have to work evening, weekends and night shifts? Those things can make a huge difference in the 1st year and your ability to cope while recovering, working and raising a child.

I am in my 14th month and mostly functional, I can even play wii with my son now and play with them almost as I could before. I am still not back to as I was prior to injury but getting closer each day.

Here is a note for you if you do decide to have a child. I always make sure I wake up first in the morning to be the one to pick up my daughter out of her crib, the smile on her face seeing me when I pick her up after a night sleep is just amazing. The pure excitement and love in their eyes at seeing you especially in the morning is the greatest thing I have ever felt, I race to beat my wife to get that smile everyday :-)

The greatest motivator you will ever have, I did the same with my son when he was born and will never forget those moments for the rest of my life. I found those simple moments to be very healing in a spiritual way.

[Klaus]

My wife and I started trying for a baby when I was still PCSed out and didn't know when or if I would get better. This was made possible by the fact that she was very knowledgeable and accepting of my PCS, and accepted the fact that if I was still unwell I would only be able to make limited practical contributions to parenting with her having to basically do it all because I would be too tired, overstimulated or whatever.

As it turned out I had made a very good recovery by the time the baby arrived and am loving being a dad

I would argue that our plan would have worked ok (after all there are plenty of people who end up having to raise a child on their own for reasons other than PCS). I would advise someone to consider it very carefully if their partner doesn't understand or support them with their PCS - in this case having a child which you are not capable of contributing very much to the practical care of will likely exacerbate existing arguments and resentments, leading to an unpleasant atmosphere for the child to grow up in and causing you to constantly try to push yourself more than you should.

[Sandwalker]

All of your posts give me a lot to think about. I find it a struggle now to take care of myself and my business. However, that's all on my time, on my own flexible schedule with lots of breaks. So adding a child that demands constant attention to that mix makes me nervous.

I just wanted to say thanks for the support and your thoughtful answers. I will definitely look more into it to see if we should pursue a child.

[Mark in Idaho]

Sandwalker,

The positive influences on your life of a child will far outweigh any negative. It may even be a stabilizing effect as it causes you to be more focused at home.

I have lived through PCS while raising three kids from birth. Please don't put it off due to your PCS.

btw, There is scientific evidence that having and raising a new born causes positive changes in how the brain functions.

And, little ones are so tolerant as long as you give them your time. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to be a good dad. In fact, the opposite is more the rule. Don't try to over-think it.

My best to you.