I do hope it was just a reaction of the moment, then!

~ waves ~

why can't he rent a mini storage place? is there one close to your home?
do you think he might go for that?
bobby

Dear Mari,

Bobby gave me another idea. is there the possibility - you can kill me now - of renting a studio apartment in your same housing complex that he can use... as a "studio" for work and storage?

that would be way more expensive. but the stuff would be more comfortably accessible... not like just left in a place where it cannot be used but must be fetched and... brought home to use.

whether i'm a true pack rat or not i don't know... i do keep things that i am attached to. all my stuff is in the cellar and garage (tantamount to a storage unit). i cannot "access" it, generally (entails going to hunt for/fetch - big PITA, and anyway no room to use it as the apartment is too small (or it would already be up here)!

however, if there is stuff your hubby actually doesn't feel a need to access at all, and only wants to keep it, he might feel ok about putting that portion in actual storage. i also wonder if there wouldn't be a sense of loss of control in doing that though.

storage is a very rational consideration. but OCD isn't rational.

that's what made me think of a studio for him, but it is kind of a scary thought - a whole other rental situation... and perhaps uncomfortably close to a separate abode. i don't know how YOU would feel about that either.

thing is, you guys clearly need to find a way to resolve this... you cannot expect to control your hubby's stuff or attitude towards it... that is his domain. he cannot expect you to survive without the space you need either. somehow, your keeping (getting!) your space and his keeping his stuff need to be reconciled, as i see it.

i wish you luck. this is a toughie.



~ waves ~

Hi,

We talked again today. He will not agree to move his stuff out or limit it.
He got very upset that I even asked to talk to him about doing so.
He said that he has already reduced acquiring more stuff (sort of true. after we moved into the new place here he mostly stopped -- but not completely stopped -- getting new stuff).

I sent him to several counselors in the past.
He lied to them about the extent of the problem and told them he had a few things.
One counselor told him that it was a stage.

He and I spent part of the morning today trying to clean again.

M.

Dear Mari

I'm so sorry. this really sucks.

all i can think is couples counseling. given your hubby is currently upset, and seems to perceive the "stuff" issue as a very personal attack on him - it occurs to me that he is taking rejection of his stuff as rejection of him. in part, i can understand that, but it is only one perspective. really what you are trying to achieve is more space. (but the stuff conflicts with that!)

it might be best for now to defer any further confrontations with hubby explicitly or implicitly related "his stuff."

but perhaps he would be willing to participate in couples counseling if you brought it up as something you need to improve communication and understanding between you - in a very general sense. it might be good to wait a little before bringing this up all the same.

all i can think for now, is perhaps to try and smooth things. consider letting him know that you did not realize your requests about his stuff would be so upsetting and feel badly that that happened. also that you did not consider his stuff as an extension of him, so you were not trying to reject him personally, and again express that you feel badly if it seemed that way to him. the whole thing to you was about acquiring space that you need to feel ok. because you do not feel ok. let him know that helping you clear things out and putting together the bookcase etc is helping you - and thank him for that. he needs to hear something positive from you i think.

i am not suggesting to take back anything you said. only to let him know it was "about you and not about him" and that you did not mean to offend him (or hurt him, you pick the most appropriate). damage control.

if none of this is applicable i am sorry. i wish you guys just had a bigger place... but space doesn't grow... like you said.

~ waves ~

didn't have the guts to say this...

but i confess i also thought the same thing.

~ waves ~