I checked my work email.
My boss will excuse me from the huge hours long outside activity
this weekend at 8:30 AM if I provide her with a rationale.

What am I supposed to tell her?
I just emailed a colleague and asked him for advice.
I am under the care of two mds for this sleep problem but
I don't want to come out of the closet if I don't have to.

But anything I say that is vague and iffy sounds like I am malingering.

I don't feel good. The sunshine this afternoon made me tired and
I did not get anything done today.
I've spent my whole life being tired.
I wish I had done something with my life.

M.

Mari
It may be to afford yourself the protection of the ADA that you may have to. Just a doctors note stating hormonal imbalance is preventing a full day of activity, then make sure too, are you healthy medically, the vitamin's, the iodine, thyroid, etc.

Sleep deprived; I wondered if it is like a person that uses the food deprivation, as a means of control......
I use sleep as a control. Not entirely sure why I cheat sleep; then sleep during the day.

There is far too much in my life I can not control, but to stay up, and stay up...sometimes, a lot of the times until daybreak, I control.

I do not even try to make a bed time routine, I do not want to give up hours of my time. The time the world is finally peaceful and letting me alone.

If I had a normal sleep pattern, my life would be normal....it is not though.

My mind is cluttered, so many things that need to be taken care of and no energy or drive to do much if any of it.

I am tight chested, no relaxing, like an over-wound watch. How does sleep happen for that?
I don't feel I deserve peaceful sleep. I deserve chaos, I should be flipping out.

I do not even try to do anything that would help. Like relaxation, bio-feed back, a pattern, darkness, smooth sheets.

Boy am I a bad influence for you. If you want to sleep, to have a pattern?
I can admit that I do not.....but, we have work, people that depend on us, and how the heck do we force our self to sleep?

I do not want to take Ambien, I would fight it and be worse. I do not want a glass of wine, I want WHINE!!!!!

Not healthy but it is what it is..... I wish for you to have the sand man decide to ease you back into a pattern you want of sleep.

I guess one day, I can take the rubber bands wound up and hand them off to actually look forward to my sleep at night....
That is a whole other set of panic attacks though....
When I sleep, I can not control my environment, I am venerable, I could be in a tornado, fire, stupid worries all the time.

In our house, I guess it is part of the PTSD, we take turns to sleep. The two kids and I. I wait for the youngest to sleep and the middle kiddo, 27, to wake up and he keeps watch. When I wake up, then he will go to sleep. We always have someone awake......

I wish I had an answer, I wish for you to have a detox of the anxiety dear friend.
Hugs
di

that last line really caught me....i wish i had done something with my life. of my goodness.........you need an exercise...you have to start practicing how many people you have helped at such an early age. it probably doesn't feel good because you were never taken care of and you haven't taken care of yourself. maybe once you start taking care of yourself, i think your sleep issues will start resolving themselves slowly but surely. maybe it is your way for screaming for help....the other day i actually took an one hour bath...was that a form of nurturing. you have to nurture yourself Mari
bobby

I really got sad reading your post. What are you operating on ? fumeS? you are not taking care of yourself at all. How sad. How can you start? You don't even seem to think there is a need. You might even see yourself as the earthmother.
Hugs
bobby

I found this observation quite perspicacious, and entirely plausible. certainly something to think about, for myself, too.

I hope both of you can find some peace... "detox from anxiety" ... what a wonderful way to put it. Di i found your whole post really very touching, to say the least.

~ waves ~

You guys are invaluable in so many ways....I wish you could see this and I wish that your anxieties were lessened.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
bizi

I think if you had your sleep doctor write you a script for lessened work hours, that might work.
Your boss would not take for personal issues/challenges/problems as a response?
I am sorry that you are having to be put into this situation.
and this negative talk...you do have a life and you do make a huge difference in your students lives!!!!!!!!!

depressed and very tired

(((((Mari))))) & (((((Di)))))

My 2 friends I love....

I dont know if this helps in any way, but, let me tell you, you are wonderful... Im rooting from here for you, you can do it, I mean, you know you can be strong and beat stress because you are very kind, smart and, you deserve to be stress free.
For what I know about you, I dont think you have wasted your life... You are sweet, care about others, are always ready to help... I mean, to feel stressed and tired is not your (our) fault... it just strikes us... which sucks, BUT, we have to try to beat it...

"Unfortunately", for those of us who suffer with sleep disorders (I think i have slept deeply twice in my whole life), one way of feeling better is, sleeping !! Yep, everything in our (freaking) organism are cycles... we move one thing and everything turn to a mess...

So ! I wanted this message to be short and I can see it is turning to a long one, so, in resume:

1.- I LOVE you
2.- Give time to time, stress will go away... it has to !!!
3.- Watch your sleep... please please please, try to...
4.- You deserve the best of this freaking planet.
5.- Thinking about you.

What about coming out of the closet only as far as getting a doctor's note? As far as i know, diagnoses / medical reasons need not be disclosed. Can one of the doctors simply certify that you are not fit to do the weekend hours? Then the "rationale" remains between you and that doctor.

Do you think it is the heat... i know a gal who has blood pressure dips sometimes when it gets hot, or if she moves into an area that is warm. have you ever taken your bp when you get tired from sun like that?
You have done something - you do much for many, you mean a great deal to many people. But I too wish i had "done more" if that's what you mean. It really hurts to live with unfulfilled potential. Regardless if it was just where the chips fell, or due to bad choices. Perhaps we need to accept certain limitations? But you know, I don't feel right about redefining my potential - that would hurt too.

Sending you some hugs, Mari.

Can hubby make you something comforting to eat or drink? I hope you can get some good sleep later.

~ waves ~