I hear you about the anxiety....you are doing this and we are cheering you on. i think that is a long commute....keep us updated as you are able and of course, TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOUR SELF!
love bizi

Waves
If they just want to get you a laptop, suggest that you bring yours in. And
then maybe there is somewhere you can keep the company one.

Donna

i am trying i am trying.

i am binging on *everything* ... i am finding myself having to forcibly put things down... one night i ate to the point of indigestion.

i did have a shower today. and washed hair. i also saw a doc for a consultation regarding some blood values. she was so young (only 27!) but so incredibly kind, and reassuring.... she looked at all my labs too, not just the specific ones i needed her specialty for. it is a community service initiative sponsored by the town, for a couple hours a week and it didn't cost me one cent!!!! she took history and i have some sensitive history... she was very warm about it, she could tell i was nearly in tears. at the end i complimented her and also thanked her for choosing her profession and told her we need more doctors like her in this country. if i have money and need her specialty i will go to her clinic.

after i left i could not get the interaction out of my mind, but it was not a first...

this keeps happening, with many things, events, interactions... they replay like a broken record only they change, and the mental landscape becomes oddly frightening. like twisted shadows in a dark forest, cast by sidelong glances of the moon.

i am having trouble with feeling overwhelmed. today i was on and off feeling detached - but not the safe kind of detached i sometimes crave... the disoriented kind.... very close to derealization. it is unpleasant.

i have to remember i got through the class, i can get through the job. i had failures before, but really my conditions are much better now, than then.

and what is the worst thing that happens. back to the drawing board, send out the teaching resumes - which i now have ready in both languages, and have gathered some contacts. there are alternatives, there are byways.

i am terrified. i am doing those things i told Steve to do last night. i am also crying.

~ waves ~

Dear waves,
(((((((HUGS))))))
I am so sorry that you are overwhelmed, I think anyone would be in regard to what you are getting ready to do.
I am sad to hear that you are having the derealization thing going on.
stay here...stay grounded....it is ok to cry...
((((HUGS)))) more hugs for you
love bizi

Hi,

Also these techniques:
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/present.html

How about rocking? Rocking chair? Sitting on floor or any chair and rocking back and forth.

Singing. Drawing. Walking. Stomping feet, . . .

Talk to someone.

Sleep-- especially if you are not getting enough.

M.

I hope that the job works out well for you. BF

(((Bizi and Mari))) thanks for the comforting words.

and (((Steve))) thanks for popping in to wish me well.

i am seeing pdoc tuesday... by the skin of my teeth before i start - the next day! as it is on tuesday i have 3 things to do and it will be bing bing bing one after the other, don't stop to breathe or you'll miss the boat... i am trying to pick one of the two earlier ones not to do, but once i work it will be impossible... ack. i am worrying about everything and still having flashes.

the interaction with the consultant the other day was very weird - i was not reacting appropriately - way too high/euphoric... (due to what i ingested before going). felt real awkward afterwards. i think that is what started the involuntary rehashing and twisting.

but i also i realized something in the conversation with the nice doc last night might have worsened things... didn't expect to have to bring it up certain things... sensitive. so emotional overload on top of existing overload.

last night i talked to my parents a while, it helped a bit. i also had a lorazepam as well as a smidgeon extra benzo since i'd missed the night before. this morning i took another little bit extra and had a nap

i had reduced my zoloft - have upped it again as of today.

i am going to see if pdoc thinks maybe i should go back on depakote, and/or have some zyprexa on hand for when i get weirded out. of course, removing certain damaging elements may be sufficient. dunno. maybe the damage is done, in terms of my state of being. will see what he thinks.

i really needed/meant to go buy some pants today but i desperately wanted to stay inside. i guess i have to put it off a week now. i don't want to be in crowded department stores today, which is where i need to go. i don't want people crashing up against me.

i feel like time is running out i am never going to get everything done in time. meanwhile today i am sitting around. trying to deal with the season switch in wardrobe as well as the dressy wardrobe... have summer things and fall things all mixed up and lots of things lying about for days now... a mess!!!!

(((hugs))) to all of you

~ waves ~ wandering off to fold clothes or find something rhythmic and methodical to do... or play music if dad is not sleeping.

maybe you could put some outfits together and hang them up together that way you would not have to decide what you are wearing that day.
good luck with your pdoc appointment...
do you really think upping your zoloft is a good idea right now?
I think adding some depakote and having zyprexa on hand if you need it are good ideas, I agree with you.
bizi

Dear Waves,
Getting a job is a good thing. Try if you can not to make it complicated or difficult. You need to show up on your first day happy and presentable and ready to work. You can do that. Lighten your pre-work load if you can.


Triage if you can. You need some clothes to wear this week. Put them together in your head and wherever you need to. You don't need to make a big deal about clothes unless that is something you enjoy doing.

You have one or two weekdays left before you start work. I might use the weekdays to go to the store -- fewer people pressed for time than on the weekends.


M.

i don't enjoy business attire but it is also hard for me to put together - most things no longer fit, i have very little to juggle, the weather is uncooperative, it is very stressful.
one. because yesterday i couldn't manage to get out, nor today.

i have monday. but tuesday i have to go out and i'd hate to do both days.

tuesday i have pdoc in the afternoon. in the morning i probably will have to "choose" between buying shoes that fit me, at a place i won't be able to go to once i start working (shuttle only runs tuesday, can't go monday), and having a medical exam (only avail tuesday) that collides. or try and cram all three and hope i'm not late for pdoc appointment.

so like my days are already packed i am super anxious trying not to take extra meds and i am frantic. i have managed for interviews but never really felt i looked good. always felt half put together but it's only for a half hour or an hour not a whole day.... or three.