Thanks everyone for thinking of me, I am having a struggle this spring break, I just want to be left alone and that's not possible. I feel like my emotional body is sunburnt...Ugh, Still no replacement screen, probably have to wait until two weeks when the new month is here before I can afford to order it either. Oh well, Jack set up the other desktop for me so I have this to play on but I just feel aggrivated...

I hear you pammy
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks for the hugs Bizi, I need them today. I wish I wasn't still upset about this and part of me thinks it's something I should just GET OVER but I can't. I just feel so betrayed by him for not listening, I did say NO and he just did it anyway. No sound on this desktop, and I can't install chrome like I want. Jack said No, so whatever, it's not really mine until I can install chrome. At least I can do message boards and still surf. Just not from the couch with the tv on, I am ON the tv with this desktop and it's kinda a bummer.

Anyone know a way to purge yourself of anger? I am wishing I could just WILL it away, I feel like I have NO patience for Jackie lately and Mom said that's normal considering what happened and she'd be worried if I wasn't still upset. So I don't know what to think. I feel so icky. Like I probably shouldn't have spent the money on the netbook at all. Like I shouldn't WANT to have stuff of my own that HE cannot get to or destroy on a stupid thoughtless whim.

Dear Pam,

More hugs

This stinks.

I'd certainly miss sound. I don't use it much on this netbook, but I like the option.
What's Chrome? (Dumb question )

I wish you had more breaks. Spring break is the opposite of break! I wish you had more time for yourself.

M.

Dear Pam

i am so sorry

--- break a pile of old dishes? (in a bag or the cleanup will make you madder)
--- buy a bunch of pencils and break those
--- shred and i do mean manually rip up magazines... got any piled up you need to get rid of... take it out on them

--- i sometimes kick things but it hurts my feet so i don't recommend it.
--- if i could i think i'd really like to get a punch bag. i don't have naywhere to install it. in your case i'd be afraid of jackie swingin it at someone not awre of damage he can cause.

i think you have not only anger, real, but also frustration

like what you said about not being able to want things for yourself, or having to filter what you want. sure we all do, based on economics or the size of our house, or whether the cat will eat it, but a human is not someone who can be controlled as readily. a toddler is one thing, but jackie is a big boy now and he is not getting any smaller, or weaker. at 2, he would not have been able to bust up that computer if you even halfway saw it coming. things are getting worse.

you REALLY have it hard. i know what it is like not to have a space that is mine, and it sounds like you don't really either in a way. so you are suffocating many little wants and pleasures... on a daily basis.

do you have a T? can i ask you to bring these things up with your T - even if you have before, maybe you need some help grieving this increasing loss of privacy and - indeed - freedom. and maybe she can give practical suggestions.

* what about meeting with a support group for special needs parents. others are going through this too. and might have ideas. maybe NAMI can direct you to one?

((((hugs))))

~ waves ~

Thank you both for caring. I feel better today but knowing I have to wait just iritates me no end. Chrome is a browser Google made, they have an Operating System that is basically a browser but I don't know more about it because I wasn't selected for their public beta test. I do have sound, when I need it, its just on little ear buds and not speakers like I am used to so I can only wear one so I can hear the kiddo or Jack and not get lost in the computer....

I'm doing better this morning, I think getting it out here helped. Jack doesn't understand of course but he pretty much has his whole ROOM as off limits so how CAN he understand? All are good ideas waves, thanks, there used to be a group here in town parents of kids with autism would meet up but it stopped because the place they held their meetings was being renovated.

Anyway, I stopped therapy because my tdoc retired in December, so I decided after 12 years without a real break I was gonna take one. I can restart it anytime I want to, but for now even with this stress I don't feel the need for establishing a new tdo yet.

hugs for you dear pammy.

decide what things are in your control and let go of things that are not.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
bizi

You're right Bizi, I totally need to let go of the things beyond my control. I hope to get a new screen in April, I doubt we can afford it right now. BUt next month we should be able to. I just am so afraid Jackie might DO this again, I don't know if I should even TRY to replace it you know? *sigh*

Maybe you will have to make a new rule in regards to your computer/notebook.
maybe you get to use it in privacy...in a room alone and lock it up when you are not using it.
privacy, you probably feel like you don't have any. is there anyway that you can ask jack to watch jackie so you can have some privacy and be on your note book or what ever. everyone deserves alittle privacy!
just a thought.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Yeah I doubt that will happen, but I am considering locking it up. Thing is kid did this to it while I was ON it ON the sofa, I doubt it would have happened had I been in front of the TV where I usually gravitate towards during the course of the evening. I am sure Jack wouldn't want to watch jackie while I sat online at all that's why we got the third computer to begin with, so we could all sit on the net doing our own things. I miss my mini but I am asking myself if I will really ever be comfortable using it again after this. Because I don't know that I will. :\