[Mari]

Dear Me BP?,
I hope that you are ok today.
Did you get to talk to your pdoc?

Mari

[BJ]

Made the call to my pdoc, felt like an idiot. We talked and talked about acceptance and denial. Not sure if we got anywhere. She said some hurtful things and I’m not so sure I can trust her anymore. But I know I need the meds. Can’t function without them so that’s a step right? No it’s not a step it’s a slap in the face, a reality check.

I picked up my scripts at 8PM and just started all over again. Pill after pill, one for up, one for down, one for in between. I can’t function, can’t sleep, can’t stop. Hope they kick in soon.

Thanks for asking about me Mari. I’ll be fine, just need sleep and quiet time. Need to shut it all down and stop the head thing.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Me BP?

She said some hurtful things and I’m not so sure I can trust her anymore. But I know I need the meds. Can’t function without them so that’s a step right? No it’s not a step it’s a slap in the face, a reality check.

.

I am sorry that what she said made you feel like you can't trust her.
She really wants to help you and she can't abandon you either.
ya know we cope differently at diferent times in our lives.
Denial is a coping mechanism....
sometimes we have to learn healthier coping skills...that is where a therapist comes in and can help you.
hang in there sweetie and please keep posting to us.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[Nikko]

Hang in there the meds will kick in.

Sending

Nikko

[Mari]

Dear Me BP?,
Sleep and quiet time sound good.

Be gentle on yourself. You did the right thing by reaching the pdoc Monday AM.
-->People often go through stages of acceptance.
-->Also they go through stages of mourning their old lives and the plans that they used to have for the pre-bipolar lives. I think that the mourning process was a bigger deal for me than the acceptance.

Acceptance was easy. I was happy to hear a name/dx put to my feelings and happy to hear that meds could probably help.

But I was sad about not having the future I though I was going to have. The bp kind of mucked it up.

But on nights like tonight I realize that I am not missing anything by being bp. Sure, I dislike the side effects. But that is ok and I can manage.

All we have to do is find moments when we feel ok and that we can manage.

I hope you are managing.

Take care.
Mari

[BJ]

I'm trying so hard to manage, so hard to accept but it's a lot harder than I thought. I just wanted a "magic pill" to make it all go away. All the meds and changes and ups and downs is really exhausting. Why she hurt me so is she said this is your life and you have to learn to deal with it or else I can't help you. So I stopped all my meds and "thought" I didn't need you. Big mistake. I need her and I need the meds.

I slept very little again, I know I'm hypo and need to come down fast. I'm tired of thinking, tired of being tired.

I found an ebook called "The Art of Roller-Coaster Riding". I always loved roller-coasters but now I despise them.

But I must go to work and get through the day somehow, put on a happy face. I have an appt tomorrow with my pdoc to go over my meds, maybe change, maybe increase. And on and on it goes.

[fiberowendy2000]

BP I know how you feel. When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2000 I was angry and raged out quite a bit at my lot in life. While I never went as far as flushing my meds down the toilet, I did get angry enough to throw my pill bottles all over the place and pull a hissy fit. I also kept looking for that "miracle pill" and never found it. So when it came to my BP dx I had gone through the pitch a fit phase and just added the new meds with the old. Acceptance is so hard when a life altering illness hits that we do strange things.
Thank goodness your pdoc understood but you need to have a talk with her about the comments that made you dump your meds in the first place.
I hope you got some sleep and are feeling better today.

[Mari]

Hi, Me BP?,
The thing about bipolar is that is that the whole take one pill and forget it thing does not work -- at least not in the beginning.

It is a condition that needs to be managed (maybe like diabetes that some people compare it too, but there are other situations that might be more similiar). In the beginning we need to see the pdoc a lot and check with them in between times. We need to monitor oursleves and request possible adjustments.

Trying meds is hard.

But after a few years it gets easier. You do find the meds that you can pretty much stick with. And you can get used to spending a little time each day (or a lot) thinking about the bipolar you.

Each of us has a different way of dealing with our bipolar. But it is something that we DEAL with. We can't just fix it and forget it.

Is that the kind of thing that you are talking about?
Is that the frustration? That you would like to take a pill and be done with it?
I would too. Science isn't there yet. I hope that in a few years we will have better meds.

Mari

[BJ]

Is that the kind of thing that you are talking about?
Is that the frustration? That you would like to take a pill and be done with it?

Yes, unfortunately, that's what I thought would happen. I'm just overly tired and confused. I'm tired of not knowing how I'll be tomorrow. I'm tired of not knowing who's going to show up for the party. I'm tired of all the side effects, the nausea the shakes. I just thought it would be easier. Yes, I'm hurt but she's right. But she also doesn't understand, no one understands. I'm not angry Wendy. I just don't know how I feel. I must say that I admire you all for being able to open up here and let things out. I hold it in, dwell on it and let it consume me.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Me BP?

I just don't know how I feel. I must say that I admire you all for being able to open up here and let things out. .

you can do these things too just try it out here,,,we are a safe bunch....
(((HUGS)))
bizi