thanks Mari

they wouldn't even have to move any tv - there is a tv in their room, and 2 in here. 1 in here is still KO because it doubles as the computer monitor and my dad removed the decoder coz he said it made the computer crash. (it has now, as predicted by ME, started crashing again, sans decoder! HA!) we have only 2 rooms though. theirs, and the living room. this is not a big place.

i figure if dad has a game on then he needs his room because he can only get the game on that tv. but for news, if they want to sit and watch together in the living room, i could go in their room. i thought they preferred to be in here, or why else have they been doing it?
well... whatever.

all i really care about is having enough doors between me and the news-tv that i cannot hear it. i am willing to use earplugs in addition but they won't block the sound in the same room.

i am still feeling sort of wobbly but i really can't take any more stuff. i didn't take extra meds tonight because of how much lorazepam i'd taken - a total of 7.5 mg within 24 hours. so i will bump the other benzo tomorrow night after the lorazepam level drops off a good bit.

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i have only had one - maybe two - panic attacks before. i say maybe 2 because the second i thought of as protracted anxiety (2 days), but it was so intense throughout and drove a paranoid state that now i wonder, if the term might not apply. no matter. whatever it was was horrible.

i really feel for ppl with panic disorder who have lots of these things and fear they are having a heart attack or something. i feel lucky that i recognize anxiety, but on occasion i guess my mind spins out and plays other tricks on me... i've felt i couldn't escape a hostile place, or (this time) that feelings of terror would never stop, or that someone was out to hurt/kill me (the 2 day episode). only in retrospect do i see the loss of lucidity that suggests "panic attack" as a more appropriate term rather than "acute anxiety."

thanks for listening.

i want to see my pdoc/tdoc desperately!!!!
we have an appointment wednesday. i hope that nothing happens that we have to cancel this one, too or then it will skip to January!!!



~ waves ~