[burton975]

Narcissist people are nothing but toxic to your mental health. It’s even worse when they were once a really good friend and helped when suicidal.

My article http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread165127.html I put on this web site a couple of months ago is really how I am. And the ironic part is I wrote this article knowing that I would send it to this person hopping that they would understand me better and we could be a family. But not only did she make me feel bad by saying she did not read it, but also tried to manipulate me to saying that I haven’t changed a bit, my life is still pathetic, and that I needed to come around more often (the place of hell I call it now). I had mania after this for a couple of days which is why I wrote stay away from narcissistic people. But after reading about narcissistic personality more in death the better I felt.

I got out of being suicidal because of a thing, and it helped me stay away from this person. After in recovery stages I had a sense that this person helped fuel my suicide tendencies, but it took four and a half years for me to learn and know the meaning of what a narcissistic personality is. Once I learned about it and had everything this person said to me in a document, I put the pieces to gather to position her as a narcissist. Once a year for the last four years I gave this person a chance and each time I was burned. Each time I would go to this house I had that queasy feeling in my stomach, because this was the place where I lived in while I was suicidal.

Every time I would be doing great (note that the first year out of it I never saw this person), and then I would go over and then boom my mania was spiked each time. It only last for a day or two, because each time I have no depression.

If I never discovered the new music genera and did not commit suicide then I would have kept on with the same old life, because it was both the right thing (for other people) and the most comfortable, and I thought good things would come. Boy was I wrong; the new music gave me everything I needed to see what the big picture was in life and how people are.

The sad part was that when we were done seeing each other, each time I would go back to my old ways and write her a long letter basically apologizing for not seeing her and the kids. Now I finally see that she is in the wrong, and always has been. I will never forget, but I have forgave, however she still has not learned herself so it’s impossible to continue with this person. Life is too short to feel mania for a couple of days a year.

I was depressed and something was missing from my life before this person. But the mania started and suicide thoughts after I met this person. But the old music did not help me one bit. Where this new music genera just not only saved my life, but my insanity. And now I can read people for what they are, and have a much better understanding that the most loving people in your life can be evil.

Instead of wanting to commit suicide, I want to save my money and move far away from this person. But I can’t because this person is the mom of my 6 year old goddaughter and a 4 year old nephew that I care for a lot. I’m feeling great again, but I have the mentality that I’ll never see her again, but I know that’s unattainable. So what’s a person to do?

[bizi]

Can you limit your exposure to her when you visit the children? maybe you could take one of them at a time out to a park to play and have quality time just the two of you? Would that work? Would she go for that?
are they both hers? or unrelated? You can always make phone calls in between visits and write letters to them.... as they get older she may allow visits with them and as they get really older they can visit you. Keep the lines of communication open to the children.
that is my advice to you.
bizi good luck!

[Mari]

Originally Posted by burton975

But I can’t because this person is the mom of my 6 year old goddaughter and a 4 year old nephew that I care for a lot. I’m feeling great again, but I have the mentality that I’ll never see her again, but I know that’s unattainable. So what’s a person to do?

Hi,

Get the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

There are similar books and probably web forums. Many of us can learn about boundaries. Also, we can learn how to avoid getting caught up with one of these people in the future.
Therapy can help enourmsously with this stuff.


Here are my tough words: Save yourself.
Get out of the sinking life boat now.
The children will manage much better than you think they will. It's not your job in life to safe them anyway. Move to a place where you can be happy with yourself.


Mari

[Mari]

Hi, Burton,

I thought of another way to say this:
When we are in danger we have to save ourselves.

M

[burton975]

Well said Maria. I wish it was that easy though. My brother is married to my sister n law that live in the same house. I have a very good relationship with my brother that I would like to continue until I die. So that’s hard as well to say good bye to.

You would think after all of the suicides that have been happening she would say do what makes you happy and it’s ok to come by once a year with no drama. But nope it’s got to be my life is the best, you need to have the same life, and take care of my needs, or the highway. It’s very sad that my brother does not see this. At the same time I think he does, he just doesn’t want to be alone. This is very sad.

[waves]

Dear Burton

i'm really sorry about your situation. keep working on your internal boundaries. when you visit the family, minimize time with her, and avoid any time alone with her as that is her best time to strike at you - no witnesses... everything can be chalked up to your "impressions" etc bla bla you probably know this from experience.

in general, for visits, try to arm yourself beforehand with ways not to let her NONsense get to you, as it sounds like you will have some interaction with her as part of the rest of the family.

Examples:

• repeat self-affirming mantra in your head while engaging with her
• repeat to yourself in your head "everything she says is a manipulation"
• hum a tune in your head while she is speaking?

i dunno just throwing stuff out there. i do feel for you.

as for her, it is hard to feel COMpassion for a person who has no real passion... no empathy and narcissists do not. but think of what she is missing in life... think what an empty life hers is... from there, if you can bring yourself to feel pity for her that might put you in a stronger psychological position to deal, for now. Pity is not an altruistic emotion, but i think it may be a useful stepping stone here, to neutralize the effect of "strength" she attempts to project.

When your boundaries are stronger, you may find you can also feell compassion for her, without a need for engagement beyond the strict minimum to preserve the ties that are truly dear to you.

you owe her nothing. do please remember that. she didn't save you from suicide you saved yourself in spite of her. and kudos for that.

my best wishes Burton. (((hugs))) to you too.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Originally Posted by burton975

You would think after all of the suicides that have been happening she would say do what makes you happy and it’s ok to come by once a year with no drama.

Hi, Burton,

You are doing great now.
Keep in mind that she is never going to do anything helpful for you. She has been doing this since she was very young and will not change.

Originally Posted by burton975

and take care of my needs, or the highway.

Yes!
You explain it very well.

The only way I know to handle a narcissist is to simile a lot and keep quiet.
http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html
The best avenue is to limit contact as much as possible.

When and if your brother is ready, he will make changes. For now, respect him and focus on yourself as you have been doing.

M