I hope your therapist could help you. Was he drinking or had he been drinking?
You don't think he meant that he was just giving up the north and moving permanently to Florida? what a nightmare
bobby

No, he hadn't been drinking.

He owns a seasonal business up here and always returns in the Spring to open it. He didn't mean a permanent move to FL.

He clearly was referring to s/s ideation, to what degree I don't know. I should have asked more questions.
He listened to me talk about it for about 15min. I think he would have interrupted me if I was wrong in my assumption. I'm glad he came over. I hope once he's back in FL, he can see the doctors he's more comfortable with and get help.

My husband thinks he's manipulating me. It's a possibility, but I doubt it because I know he's been deeply depressed.

I talked at length about it with my therapist and she said I said all the right things, and was impressed that I was able to share my experience with him. She seemed satisfied with my efforts at this point, and doesn't think I need to involve his wife based on what he said.

She said that I can call the police department in FL and ask them to do a welfare check if my concerns grow or he expresses a plan.

Not angry, shifted towards concern.

good
bobby

Kay,

I am thankful that you talked to the therapist.

Do you think that he was feeling close to you
and felt in his own mind that he was being nice / a parent?

M

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.
I think you could call and leave a message.
maybe send an email????
could you do that and protect yourself?
bizi

Mari,

My dad and I have always had a very close relationship, with interruptions due to extreme dysfunction...
I think he was feeling close enough to me to be honest, and was reaching out to me because he knows I can relate to how he feels. He felt safe.

Part of me feels like it was unfair of him to do this to me.

The parenting part was the effort he made to get out of the bed he has apparently been living in for the last several months to drive over to see me before he left for FL. I guess that's the real reason he didn't want to come see me.

Bizi,

Were you talking about leaving a message or emailing my father's wife?

I'm not going to do that at this point because there is no immediate threat, he listened, and seemed to receive my words well. He's not a patient man. It's not like him to sit silently while anyone else talks for anywhere near 15min.
He's been talking to me about his depression for months now and I think that he'll reach out to me when he needs to talk again. I've been talking to him at least weekly. Right now my therapist agrees it's not at the point where I have to involve anyone else. And until it is, I don't want to betray his confidence and deter him from reaching out again.

Down deep I think his POS wife really does love him and I will call her if I have to no matter what the repercussions. I know she got him to go to the doctor to get on an antidepressant, but I don't know why she hasn't been able to get him to do more.

I've stressed to him that he needs to go to a psychiatrist not an MD and let him/her know he has a daughter with BP I, and be honest about his patterns of behavior and depressive periods, because it's more likely they will put him on the right drugs if he does.



I felt better after leaving the therapist yesterday, but I woke up ****ing a mess. Yesterday morning I was mad as hell at him, working through my anger after last year. And today he is the victim. I just want to be there for him when he needs me...

I'm feeling sorry for him because of his mental illness, toxic marriage, financial troubles, and failing business. And I'm feeling terribly guilty that maybe his guilt over my s/s attempt last year is contributing to his mental state right now.

I'm going to have trouble dealing with things as it is, and this is something terrible to have to worry about in the midst of it all...
But when you try to commit s/s, it's not all about you. You traumatize everyone who cares about you- no matter who they are.
I feel a great deal of guilt.
I know my poor husband is going to have a particularly hard time dealing with things. I need him to know I know it.

I agreed to see my therapist in 2 weeks. I'll probably make an appointment for 1. She also offered to set something up so I can call and talk to someone if I need to. I passed, but I may take her up on that offer.

I don't like going, and I don't like taking the $70 hit every time I do, but there is nothing more important than my safety and stability.

I see my pdoc next week. I don't expect a med change.

Thank you kay.
I think you have done and said the right things to your dad. Your therapist is right.
I am so glad that you were able to see her when you did, good timing.
Yes your health and safety are the most important focus right now. no matter the cost, you are worth every penny that you spend.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thank you Bizi :hug:

I've had so much going on besides dealing with the s/s attempt and my dad's recent revelation, I feel like I'm climbing a never ending wall right now but I'm still hanging in there. So far, no signs my stability is in immediate jeopardy. Thank God.

Kay,

Keep doing what is working for you.

M

I was cooking all day... I have to prep a lot in advance, and pre-cook some things to be heated up to pull off a big meal. I still fell behind by an hour and a half lol...

But it did relax me a little, and kept my mind mostly occupied.
Anxiety and knots and my stomach did creep in and out throughout the day, though.

We did manage to have a nice quiet Thanksgiving, despite all the goings on. I'm thankful for that :)

sounds nice kay.
glad that your cooking helped.
bizi

Via text my brother told me yesterday that my father took out a loan last year using the family business as collateral, spent the money, and can't afford the payments. My dad called my brother a couple of months ago and apologized to him because he was going to lose the business (my brother was going to inherit the majority of it). My dad told me that business was bad this season, but never mentioned the business was in jeopardy. He only mentioned his personal finances.

My father's whole identity is tied up in this business.

This substantially increases the risk of s/s. His whole life is crumbling. He needs help now.

My bad aunt owns shares in the business, but he has never told her about any problems. My brother told her about a week ago. She's visited him since, but he still didn't mention anything.
Since she understands my dad's identity rests on the business, and knows about his depression and personal financial problems, she'll believe me when I tell her about my dad's s/s ideation. She also loves my dad and has access to his wife. I think asking her to intervene is the best route to take.

I think if I went straight to my father's wife, she wouldn't believe me, and it would cause a **** show and add more stress for my father.

My father and his wife are on their way to FL right now. They're driving. They left yesterday.
I'm going to call my aunt later today. She can't call his wife while they're on the road. She'll have to wait until they get there.

I feel sick.

Kay,


Yes, asking your aunt to intervene is a good move.

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

M

I called my aunt and she and my cousin have had their own concerns. My father told her he doesn't expect to live to see the 1st of the year, but said it was his cancer that came back (BS).

She's going to call my dad's wife. I hope she listens and can do something about it.

I would never be able to have forgiven myself if I had waited to do something.

I see pdoc next week. I will need close monitoring.

Oh, Dear!

Sorry, Kay, that your aunt seems uninterested / preoccupied.

You did well to call her. I hope her call to the wife is helpful.

M

Kay, I am so glad that you did something and called your aunt.
She can call his wife etc. as you said.

I hear that you are worried....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm meant to say my aunt and cousin were concerned about my dad too.
I'm sorry it didn't come across right.

It is o.k. I get it now.

M

what stress you are going through. you sound so stable/ i know this sounds stupid but you can only do what you can only do.
bobby

My aunt called my father's wife yesterday and left a message. No call back yet. I'm hoping it's because the ***** was still driving and didn't regard the call as urgent. My aunt's back to work today, and she'll be unable to answer the phone and talk if she gets a call while she's working. My aunt thinks her call will be returned. I'm not so sure. The ***** will likely expect some nefarious motive for the call, and perhaps have my father return the call instead.

There is no one else in my family who cares enough to get involved with the exception of my other aunt, but my father and his wife won't speak to her over something petty and childish.

I've decided that if my aunt can't get my dad's wife to call her back, I will call her myself. The best thing I could hope for is for the call to go straight to voicemail right away and leave as much as I can in the form of a message appealing to her love for my father. If she did answer the phone, she'd likely berate me with burning insults and swears and hang up. If she did, I would keep calling and swallow the insults repeatedly if she wouldn't let me speak- until she stopped answering and I could leave the message.

This isn't solely about concerns about my father. It stirs up memories and feelings about my s/s attempt and the events leading up to it at a time when I'm already vulnerable, but denial is preventing me from viewing my father from being the villain in any way. It's about him, but it's about me, but it's because everything I went through that I have a greater sense of urgency to do everything I can to try to keep him safe. It's a mind ****.

I'm starting to show cracks now...
I've started to have intrusive thoughts again, I'm experiencing unpleasant imagery (especially troubling), and have been having some skipping, racy thoughts (hopefully due to anxiety).

There hasn't been any increase in energy or decreased need for sleep. And I don't experience OCD symptoms during hypomania. I'm not showing any overt symptoms of depression either. I think all my symptoms are due to anxiety, but I feel like these things are signaling that my stability is in jeopardy.

When I started taking Seroquel it was pretty effective in controlling the intrusive thoughts and unpleasant imagery...

When I was really struggling with GAD, pdoc was talking about 50-100mg of Seroquel w/wo the Klonopin. I just took 50mg of Seroquel on top of 1.5mg of Klonopin to see if it helps with the imagery or intrusive thoughts.

I see her Wednesday. We'll probably be back to weekly or biweekly appointments again to monitor things closely :(
I'm going to start documenting things again. If I do swing, both Seroquel and Neurontin can be lowered or raised as needed.

Other concerns have faded, but they're still there. Just off in a far corner of my mind.

hi kay,
I had company for dinner,
just getting on line tonight.:o
It sounds like you have a lot on your mind.
This is important stuff you are dealing with.
I hope that you can just leave a message too.
Good that you will be documenting things...
here is to a safe journey....
Be very careful with your fragile self.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Kay,

Your posts are measured.

Yet what you write about are things beyond anything someone should have to deal with.

I am sorry for the disturbing "meeting" with your father.
I am sorry that you are dealing with that responsibly by calling your aunt and
preparing to call the wife if need be.
Use all your tools for good care -- Seroquel, Klonopin, weekly appts pdoc, self-documenting.

I want good things for you.

M

Thank you ladies :grouphug:

Adding the 50mg of Seroquel helped... No ugly imagery after that, but the intrusive thoughts are still there. It takes a lot to manage OCD symptoms and that's probably why I didn't see any changes to in the intrusive thought dept. I took 50mg Seroquel again today, hoping it helps again.
I'm not going to 100mg of Seroquel until I speak to pdoc. I'm afraid 100mg might bring me down and I certainly don't need that. I was wrong about the appt- it isn't until Friday, but I can hang in there.

I'm more anxious today. I think it's because a second call from my aunt to the ***** went unanswered and un-returned, and I know I'm probably going to have to call her myself. I'll consult my aunt again tonight, maybe tell her to leave a message saying that it's regarding my father's health/mental health and well-being and it's urgent she call back. Maybe that will make a difference and her call will be returned. "Hey, what's up?" ain't gonna do it.

I've been having other issues that I've chosen to keep private, and yesterday I found more on my already full plate.

I know I'm still stable because I'm still able to work through all of this with my best coping skills- using logic, denial, and data. Whatever works.

Kay,

:hug::hug::hug:

Any chance that email or snail mail or texting to the wife would work? I am guessing that it would not and that you already thought of that
Can you have the cops do a wellness check of your father now?

Sorry to hear that you have issues and that the plate is full.

Focus on your own stability.

Logic, denial, data --- they can work.

M

My aunt left word in both messages that she wanted to talk about my father's health, still no response.

I haven't spoken to my dad since Thanksgiving. He should be starting to settle in FL by now. I'm going to give him a call tomorrow to see how he's doing. I don't know how much talking he'll do since when they're down there there's often not much physical separation between the two of them.

Every time I think about the possibility of having to exchange words with that ***** it makes me feel physically ill. I don't want to expose myself to that, but the issue is too important to be dismissed or delayed...
I never thought of email, Mari. Thank you. I think it's probably the best route to take. I can easily get my hands on her email address.

I just hope she will do what she can to help him, and restrict any communication to that and that alone.

I just spoke to my father. He just arrived in Florida, but his wife has already made him an appointment to see his psychiatrist for tomorrow :):):):):):)
I cannot tell you how relieved I am.
She obviously doesn't need me to intervene.

I thanked him profusely for going and told him how happy I was that he made that decision.
I asked him to be honest about his behaviors: the excess spending, excess energy, inability to sleep, alcoholism, periods of depression (I left out psychosis and grandiosity among others). He got angry with me and said he would tell them what he wanted to. He's a stubborn SOB. I said I understood, but it was important to be honest because he needs to be on the right medication, and nobody understands that better than me.
He used his usual dismissive defense mechanism when he knows I'm right about medical-related issues and doesn't want to hear it, "That's enough Dr. (my maiden name)."
I told him how worried I had been about him, and that the calls from my aunt to his wife were at my behest. I said I knew that contacting his wife directly would be bad for everyone. He said she never would return a call from my aunt.
I told him I'm always here when he needs to talk, and again how much I love him.
I really do think that what I said to him when he came over helped because he had been so resistant to any kind of help for so long before that.

This is a much needed weight off my chest- at least temporarily. I hope that my father is honest and is compliant with whatever his psychiatrist recommends. Above all else, I want him to be safe.


That little bit of 50mg of Seroquel has been keeping the ugly images away since I've added it :) The intrusive thoughts are still there. I'm going to have to deal with them.

Seroquel has been a good drug for me.

I hope my anxiety will improve a little since my dad is getting help.

Also on the license front... UGH

I called drunk.org #1 to check to see if they sent my paperwork to the state and they said they never received notice I completed the driving program. I know all my paperwork is in and the last time I spoke to a case manager was on the 12th and she said she would contact drunk.org #2 for proof I took it. Apparently they never received it. They said they would look for it.

Today I called drunk.org #2 myself and they said they sent it on the 9th, but drunk.org #1 changed their email address and didn't tell them. Drunk.org #1 called them yesterday looking for it and should have it now, but I should call them back if there was a problem.

I said I would be laid back, and I was, but there's nothing like falling through the cracks and wasting a month.

I am glad that your dad is agreeing to see his pdoc. and you can sigh of relief knowing that you helped.

sorry about your papers being lost.
ugh!

glad that you did not wait any longer.
bizi

Kay

I'm so glad your dad is going to get some help.

And I think your doing great waiting on the companies involved with the
driving mess.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

great about your father. i think your love helped him
bobby

Kay,

I am happy to hear about your father.

It will ease your burdens to find that he is getting help/following a treatment plan.

M

Let us know if you need to even just talk. We are hear.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

:grouphug: Thank you :grouphug:

The 50mg of Seroquel is still quieting the ugly imagery. And it isn't destabilizing or sedating me. Thank God.

I woke up feeling much relieved this morning, but I'm still going to have to worry about my dad indefinitely because he needs to continue to want help, he'll have to have lots of med adjustments before he's out of the woods, and he'll have to remain compliant. I hope he's honest and finally gets the BP dx. It's dangerous to jack up those antidepressants for someone who has BP I, which he clearly has, especially if they aren't on a mood stabilizer.

Drunk.org told me that they filed the certificate yesterday that says I completed the program. They said to call the NH DMV today to ask what I need to do next because I'm out of state. I called this morning and of course the DMV didn't have the certificate yet. The lady I spoke to told me to call back in a few hours because if they faxed it it might not be in the system yet. She also said they could have mailed it. I ****ing hope they faxed it! Drunk.org told me yesterday the DMV should already have it.

When I called I found out that once the DMV gets the certificate, I have to request what they call a 30-day letter. I have to bring it (with other paperwork) to the MA DMV so they can do some voodoo to my license so I can get insurance and the co. will file proof of it to the NH DMV. That would satisfy my obligations to NH and I would get a clearance letter- then deal with MA.

The cost of the insurance will be ridiculous because of the DUI and I'll have to put 20% down. I'm guessing it will be about a grand. Then the monthly payments are going to be equally ridiculous. It's going to hurt.

Just because I'm complaining about this process and the expense of cab fare and insurance doesn't mean I am not accepting responsibility for my actions. I made a long series of very bad decisions that began with me not going back to my pdoc when I first realized I was hypomanic and off meds and it culminated in a s/s attempt. I accept responsibility for all of those decisions, including the one where I got bombed and got behind the wheel. Mania is not an excuse.

Right now I'm trying to just focus on getting the 30-day letter and the insurance and certificate. But I'm having a hard time not thinking of the end game... the possibility that after all of this MA may try to yank my license for another year.

i am going through a process that isn't successful to deal with my feelings of failure and all sorts of bad decisions because i am bipolar. I see it even now with my binging and buying. I know what i am doing but it is out of my control, even with medication.
be gentle with yourself. It is really not your faults. trust me.
bobby

There is no "responsibility to accept." -- That is how I see it

Try to handle the after effects as best you can.

=====

The states' rule books make it hard, Kay. Keep following their steps.
===
I do hope for his sake and yours that your father gets an appropriate
dx and medication plan.


M

You are smart, honest and brave kay.
I am rooting for you.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

I saw my pdoc today.

She was happy that I was on the ball, added the 50mg of Seroquel and was able to shut down the ugly imagery. However, she's very concerned about my intrusive thoughts.

I had success getting rid of OCD sx and the intrusive thoughts on 100mg of Zoloft at one point, but I was zombified on Lithium and lots of other meds at the time. And having the Zoloft on board ended up contributing to the start of the last manic episode.
She said it's like my "GAD, OCD, and PTSD are all tied up in a knot" and with anyone else she would be prescribing something like a SSRI and jacking it up to get rid of the intrusive thoughts, but I'm "bipolar one like there's no tomorrow" and using antidepressants right now is too dangerous.
I agree with her assessments. There is no ****ing way I would take an antidepressant- I've been manic or hypomanic close to 8mo out of this year- I'd have to be in a hole before I'd do it.

She asked me how much Seroquel I thought I could handle. It's a hard question to answer for a lot of reasons but we made the decision to raise the am dose to 100mg to see if it will help with the intrusive thoughts.

I took 1mg klonopin and 50mg seroquel at 8am this morning. When I came home at 11am I took the extra 50mg of seroquel...
Totally unexpected reaction: Not sedated. High. Or some combination. I feel like I'm at a keg party and I've been playing beer pong and snorting coke. I'm ****ed up.

Ordinarily I would just go back to taking the 50mg and leave it at that, but she made such a big deal about the intrusive thoughts... I called and left her a message.

BTW drunk.org must have mailed that paperwork to the DMV because they still don't have it. Tried to call and ask if they faxed or mailed it, but every time I call it goes to voice mail. Whatever.

p.s. I have no idea how long it took me to write this post but it was a very, very long time.

Called drunk.org and finally got someone on the phone. They DO fax the DMV, they just never did mine. The woman who does "completions" takes Fridays off. I'm supposed to get a call Monday once she finishes mine.

I'm glad I called again... I fell through the cracks yet again. These people are inept.

I'm on doxycycline right now and have been having terrible headaches. I read that one of the possible side effects of it is intracranial hypertension... I'm willing to bet that's why the extra Serouquel made me whacky.

i hope you feel better soon.
bobby