Thank you again guys :grouphug:

Bizi, I didn't even think about the joint and the drug testing. I'm such a light weight I only take 2-3 hits though. Since I'm not a habitual user and it's such a small amount, the metabolite of THC should be out of my system between 3-5 days. And these people haven't even contacted me yet.
I did partake, and it did relax me, but even though I smoked 4hrs before I took the Seroquel I had to get myself into bed pretty quickly because I got dizzy. It also threw me off balance at times. I won't be trying it again anytime soon. Seroquel wins.

I used to do a lot of stretching and ROM exercises in the morning. Not only is it good for my body, but I found the stretching to be especially helpful for anxiety. I think I need to get back to that. Maybe I won't have to rely so heavily on Klonopin anymore. It's a good idea.


I reread the NH law (which I've bookmarked for future use) and it defines the substance abuse evaluation as:

A "clinical face-to-face interview with a client conducted by a qualified professional which includes, but is not limited to, the following elements: substance abuse history, legal history, medical history, family substance abuse history, psychological history, and current substance use/abuse dependency status."

It doesn't bode well for me, with the exception of the last part. There is no mention of standardized testing written into in the law. But I'll have to look into that... I'm sure I'll get some hits on google.

If I get referred to counseling I need to someone who has a reciprocal license in MA... in NH the minimum is an LDAC, so I checked and the equal in MA is an ADC. I don't know if I can see a psychologist instead. They provide no info on the web about that, but I can contact NH's Department of Health and Human Services. Oh joy.

I looked into my insurance, and they pay for substance abuse counseling. I will have no problem getting my PCP to refer me, but I don't know if insurance will pay for sessions since they will be court ordered.

I used a website from NH's Department of Health and Human Services to locate substance abuse treatment centers in my area, so it's like getting it straight from the horse's mouth. There are 3 in my city, and cab fare to all of them would be pretty reasonable.

I have just about all of the worst case scenarios worked out, but I'm sure if I have to pay out of pocket it could mean a substantial financial hardship.

I don't see much more I can do to satisfy myself on this subject, so I'm going to consider at least the research subject closed.

The anxiety will still remain, until I hear what I'm up against and I'm through with whatever they decide they're going to put me through.

And then I'll have to deal with the rest of the process, which is also no fun at all.

maybe you could start right now with the stretches?????:D
bizi

I'll probably wait until Monday when my husband isn't hanging around to watch me.

I know I said I was done with research, but:

Even though the NH law describes the evaluation as a face-to-face interview, one of the organizations describes it as an appointment where they administer 2 standardized tests...
Sometimes the face-to-face interview takes place right after the tests are taken, but sometimes you have to make an appointment for it later- once they've already come up with your treatment plan...
So they can actually decide how much counseling, etc you need without even knowing if you're sober, etc. I don't think that's reasonable.
I guess they really do rely heavily on those tests. I'm going to have to be VERY careful when I take them.

And of course, I'll have to find a way to get another ride if I need another appointment. I can't expect my husband to take another day off, but I have a favor I can call in if I need to.

I don't know if I'm going to call these people in a week. I'm undecided on that point now... I don't know if I want to draw attention to myself.

Are you sure you can't lock yourself in your bath room and do some stretches??????
bizi

lol

My bathroom isn't big enough, but I'll get started tomorrow morning.
Lord knows I have enough free time.

The messed upped thing about all this freaking out is I'm not even 100% sure I'm going to have to go through all of this...

I'm just expecting it because it was shady how my case was referred back to my original organization, and I know how the law is written. I don't know what the driving instructor put in the notes, and I don't know how strictly the original organization will adhere to the law.

When it comes down to it I don't know the organization is going to act.

But thinking back, I should stick to my 1 week plan. When I was trying to get them to refer me to the driving school, I had a problem with consent forms and pretty much had to walk them through the referral process. They're inept.

Kay

I somewhat wonder if they always refer people back to original group
that sent them. Makes it easier on them.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I'm in kind of a unique position...
The original organization holds the driving classes too, but they are held at unreasonable dates/times. So I had to get a special referral from organization 1 to take the driving class with organization 2. They may indeed have to refer me back though.

It's actually probably going to make things messier no matter what happens. Like I said, the people at organization one are inept.

Kay,

The unknowns regarding the driving instructor's notes and how strictly the organization will adhere to the law leave so many things up in the air --- you have no control over those.


Your decision to stick to your one week plane makes sense.
You are doing well.

M

Personally you are staying on top of it. Worrying about it makes
it easier either way.

I know I am a worrier also. So much so my old boss would call
me and leave a message. There is nothing wrong Donna, I just
need to talk to you.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I just found out that my cousin and his wife (who live out of state) were in a car accident. He's in the ER and the only thing I know about his condition at this point is he can talk. Unfortunately, his wife passed away at the scene. She was a lovely person.

OMG I am so sorry.
what a shock.
bizi

My cousin was surrounded by friends last night and that's a wonderful thing. If I read my aunt's text right, he was able to go home. I hope I read it right... She wasn't texting well for good reason. She's going to Florida today to be with him. He must be devastated...

He's 12 yrs older than me and we haven't been close since he moved away years ago, but the love is always there. His wife was the sun, the moon, and the stars to him. This makes me very sad.

I'm not going to be able to see my cousin or attend the services because it's so far away and I can't afford to fly down there. I feel badly about that. I hope my husband will let me spend the money to send flowers. I'll call him once he has room to breathe.

My other aunt called my sister to tell her the news and wanted to know how to deal with me. My sister said I had already told her about it. So that aunt sent me a text that said, "Stay safe." She's such an (expletive). I just replied, "I AM safe. I love you." That is why she, and others, remain in the dark about the second hospitalization.

All the license business seems inconsequential now. But I'm sure I'll get back to worrying about it later.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers for your cousin.
bobby

This is so sad.....
bizi

Kay,

'So sorry to hear the news of your cousin's wife.

Prayers for your cousin and their families.:hug::hug::hug:



Mari

My aunt arrived in Florida yesterday to be with my cousin. I'm not pressing for details, I don't want to be intrusive. My aunt isn't a phone person, so I'm just sending messages of love and support.

I called my father yesterday to make sure he had heard the news because my family is a mess... this one talks to that one, but that one won't talk to the other one... To be honest, I won't talk to 2 of them. Any way, I'm glad I called because he got mixed up and thought my cousin died. My dad is not right in the head.

I'm having a hard time right now because I keep thinking about what my cousin must have gone through, and must be going through right now. I keep imagining what I would do in his place if my husband died in front of me, I pretty much walked away, and had to live without him. But I know exactly what I would do. But my cousin is made from much sturdier stock. I can only keep praying for him and the families.

I had an appointment with my neurologist yesterday as a follow up because of my recent relapse. I'm well aware of the increase in pain that remains, but I guess my foot drop is worse. I just thought my gait was different because of the weight difference in switching from sandals to sneakers. It's disappointing. We're still on the same page as far as meds. I'm not taking anything for the MS. I'm on enough meds as it is. I forgot to mention several significant things while I was there. They will have to wait until the next follow up in 3mo.

Things are starting to stack up on me between Jeff and Dawn's accident, something I'm keeping to myself, the license business, and the fact that I'm very worried about a friend of mine.

I'm hoping that this is all situational but: I'm not cooking every night as I usually do, I'm sleeping less, taking naps, my anxiety has been very high, and I'm feeling sad.
When I saw pdoc last week, she said that my reactions are appropriate given the events going on in my life, but it bears watching. The last time I experienced depression I was snowed on a ton of meds. I don't know what to expect in my current situation, but given my susceptibility to hypo/mania I want to make damn sure this is a real depressive episode before my drugs are tweaked or an antidepressant is added to the mix.

I'll be monitoring this very closely, just like I was doing with the hypo/mania. It hasn't been going on for very long, but if new sx appear or this lasts much longer, I'll get in touch with pdoc for intervention.

I'm going to take Bizi's suggestion and set aside an hour today to do some ROM exercises and stretch. I hope it will help ease my anxiety and help me relax.

I just spoke to my aunt. My cousin wasn't up to talking. He is very beat up from the accident and has multiple broken bones and other injuries. They were on a motorcycle, not in a car. He is blaming himself for his wife's death, but the accident was not his fault. He keeps reliving the accident. It makes me so sad. The police are treating his wife's death as a homicide. I'm not going to get into any more details.

I'm not a crier, but I've been crying. This is all so sad.

MY cousin was in a very bad motorcycle accident when I was about 6. I know he broke some bones then, but the only thing I can really remember is he had to have his jaw wired shut for a long time.

Oh no a motorcycle accident/homicide....
How awful.
He was driving it no wonder he feels responcible.
This is just awful for him.
What a nite mere.
Is he the same cousin who had the previous motorcycle accident or another cousin?
bizi

The same cousin.

Kay,



It is good that you are connecting with family members.
I am guessing that they need to hear from you and much as you need to talk to them.


Can you schedule another meeting with the pdoc so that she can help you you monitor?
When do you see her again?

I hope that you got to do some ROM movements and stretching.

M

I did do some stretching yesterday. It made me feel better but not so much for the usual reasons. I know my 3 cats get very interested when I get on the floor, but I don't remember them being so bad lol. They were taking turns rubbing up against me, and Rocky kept head butting me and trying to rub up against my crotch lol. It did serve its purpose and relieved some stress even though it wasn't for quite and hour and I played with the cats more than I stretched. They're so weird :)

I decided that I needed to do more to pull myself out of this slump, so I decided to make a nice dinner last night. I pan seared chicken breast in olive oil, garlic, basil, and oregano and finished it in the oven. Once it was finished, I sauteed some pasta in the pan drippings, chicken stock, and more garlic. I wish I had some white wine, but I stopped buying it since I don't drink anymore. I didn't make a vegetable since my husband won't eat most of them and I had had a big salad for lunch. The meal went over well.

I stuck to my 1 week plan regarding following up on the driving class. I put a call in to organization #1 (the intake people) yesterday and explained my situation. The girl said that they should have received the information from the driving school by now, but she couldn't find anything about it in my paper file or in the computer. She said she would have a case manager check the special computer system the state uses (and has these organizations use) to track this info and call me back later in the day. No call back yet...

I did what I said I would do. If the the driving school hasn't contacted the intake people, I've identified an issue that needs to be addressed and I will do whatever is necessary on my end to rectify the problem. I don't want to fall between the cracks. Otherwise, I'll probably get my answer as to whether or not I'll have to undergo that substance abuse evaluation or get an idea as to when the DMV and court will be notified I finished the class. If I don't get a call back today, I'll call back tomorrow. I'm not feeling the same sense of urgency today because I have other things going on.

As far as the license goes, I need to worry in very small steps because the process is so long and frustrating. I don't need it burying me anymore. For instance, my only worries right now should be:
1. Is this case manager is going to call me back, or am I going to need to call the office back?
2. Did the driving school send the info to the intake people, or am I going to have to call the driving school to get them to send it? Or do something else?
3. Am I going to have to go to a substance abuse evaluation?

I should not be thinking about anything further down the road at this point... not even about what the substance abuse evaluation entails or what the consequences may be.

My next appointment with pdoc is in about 3 weeks. I will definitely call her if I feel like I need to. I'm well aware of how difficult, at least the highs, of my bp are to control. I have no desire to mess around with the other side of the coin. My appointment with the therapist is sooner, on the 25th. I haven't seen her in a long time.

I think right now I'm just overwhelmed and need to be proactive and continue making efforts such as the stretching, hanging out with my cats, making dinner, and as Mari said reaching out to family to start bringing myself out of this. I heard from my friend last night, and she's okay. That's helped to easy my anxiety.

Today is not going to be a particularly good day for me, but so far, I feel better than I did yesterday. I'll take it.

I am glad that you have cats to love and that you did
some group stretching:D
I am very glad that you are feeling better today.
your dinner sounds delicious!
((((HUGS))))
bizi
who must get going!

your kitty cats sound so wonderful...what a pleasure.
bobby

They are wonderful. They're my babies. :)

Kay,

Yes, that is what I am able to do when I am mostly in a good place.
Any more is too much.

Is dinner therapeutic for you sometimes?
I remember that cooking worked well for me when I was younger/ could focus.

M

Making dinner can be therapeutic depending on the day and how motivated and together I am. I had a lot going on yesterday, so it was hot dogs and cucumber sticks. Some days it can take me an hour to pull that meal off.

Today I'm making a pot of chili. I start it early, make it in steps, always tweak it, and tend to it often. I think it will therapeutic for me. My husband has to taste test a couple of times before I finish it off and he hates that, but he can't handle the level of heat I can. There's nothing worse than making a pot of chili and finding out he can't come close to finishing a bowl. I can tone it down, but that requires adding WAY more sugar than I want to use.

I'm back to sending texts to my aunt because it sounded so hectic when I called the other day. I haven't heard anything new- good or bad. I'm just sending my love and prayers.


On the license front:

True to my word, I called the intake people this morning. They did receive a consent form from the driving school, but no proof that I took the class?! The good news is that they will contact the driving school people directly.

The bad news and the only things I should be worrying about at the present:

1. They still haven't seen the notes from the driving school (if any will be provided) so I'm still not clear of the evaluation

2. I'm going to have to have my doctors fill out release forms again that will be sent via email, this time to attest to the fact that my medications should not affect my ability to drive if taken as prescribed. No problem, except actually getting to the doctors' offices to drop off and pick up the forms since I can't drive. I have to send them back via mail. More waiting.

3. They will be sending me more consent forms via mail that I will have to fill out and send back. More waiting.

I'm actually very happy about one of these consent forms because it will allow them to notify the Massachusetts DMV that I took the driving class. This can only increase my odds of avoiding another 1yr suspension in my home state. Although, I don't know how much weight it will hold.

The lady I spoke to seemed to really understand the sense of urgency in these matters. She said she would send the consent forms right out. She also said she would notify me of any issues (which I'm sure would include a possible substance abuse evaluation). But she said, "Good, you tested negative. So you will avoid the whole aftercare process, which is a whole other bag of worms." Maybe there is no threat of an evaluation at this point.

So I feel better, but worse. More bureaucratic BS and waiting. Of course my first instinct is to immediately call a cab and rush around to get the ball rolling, but I'm going to try to get my husband to take me to the doctors' offices to pick up and drop off these forms. He'll absolutely hate it, but the cab fare would be ridiculous.

I started out the morning feeling pretty good. Whatever I've been doing has been helping me feel less overwhelmed. I am more anxious after finding out the license process is getting even more involved, but I'm still holding my own right now :)

I will not be getting the medical release forms via email...
The intake lady sent me an email stating the PDFs were not cooperating with her so she sent them out by mail with the consent forms. I'm disappointed. I wanted to get that part over with.

do more cat stretching.....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Kay

You will do well waiting. It should help make the process easier to wait.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

My chili came out excellent. But my husband refused to taste test it and used the excuse that he was full even though there was a ton left in his bowl. It was obviously too hot for him again but he refused to admit it lol. I thought it was fairly mild. I'm going to have to start making it without any heat for him. I guess he's going to pick up some tostitos and finish it off lol.

I had requested some documents from the courthouse last month, they cashed my check Oct. 21st, but still no documents. So I called over there yesterday. The clerk said they were behind and I should give them about a week. No big deal. It looks like I won't need them for quite a while.

Donna, I hate waiting. I'm so impatient lol.
But I think I'm starting to resign myself to it. The light at the end of the tunnel has become very faint because of set backs and the more I find out about the bureaucratic process I'm going to have to go through. I figure I'll probably end up getting my license reinstated sometime in January at this rate (unless MA tries to hit me with another year).

I told my husband I'll have to get to and from the doctors' offices again. The plan is to drop both forms off in one day, and pick them up on another day when they're both ready. And this time, I'm going to the post office ONCE to mail the medical forms and consents out together.

The only time limit this time is the one I force upon myself. And I'm not going to pressure myself needlessly.

Once the intake people get the paperwork in, they'll file proof to the court and the NH DMV that I took the class, but it will take an unknown period of time until the NH DMV will send me the paperwork I need to get through the next long complicated step.

I think I'm finally surrendering to time and bureaucracy. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it and fixating on it has been very detrimental to me.

Still worried about the possibility of that substance abuse evaluation though. I'm sure I'll freak out if I have to go through that. And the thought of it is still causing a good deal of anxiety.
But since the intake lady is contacting the driving school directly for the class info, it should come back to her pretty quickly. So if I need that eval I should get a call back from her soon. The more time goes by, the safer I'll feel on that front.

That period of depression was definitely situational. I actually feel better off now than I did before mainly because I'm not going to let this license business rule me anymore- at least for the time being (it will get more stressful down the road). It's pretty amazing I'm pulling myself together since I have a lot going on.

Only 1mg Klonopin this am.

Way to go Kay.

Now enjoy your weekend please.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I am happy that you are feeling less stress with EVERYTHING that is going on
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hi, Kay,

I had a friend who practiced CBT in her daily life.
And she freely made suggestions without being obnoxious.

One of her suggestions she gave one time to someone was something like this:
I never tried it exactly as she described.
I have tried somewhat to "drop" things to the
degree that I can



======
Regarding potentially freaking out:
Do it when the time comes. You do not have to "pre-emptively freak out.


Good luck with the waiting.
And I hope that the results roll in your favor.

M

I've decided to make things super-easy for myself:

I mailed letters to my pdoc and PCP explaining the form and what to do with it, and I enclosed self-addressed envelopes so they can mail them out directly to the organization. I also sent my consent forms back. I didn't even go to the post office- I left everything by the mailboxes at my apartment building for my postman to pick up today. This will take extra time, but I just don't care. I'm done on my end.

Mari, I'm not freaking out yet. I'm going to save that for when/if I hear word the eval will happen. I just know how I will react in that situation.

I have more pressing things on my mind.

I sent my cousin a sympathy card with the rest of the mail. It's so hard to pick the right one out. I opted for one that was very plain, so I could write my own message without Hallmark stepping in it. It's amazing how inappropriate some of them are.

I had a very low-key weekend. Yesterday's football game was AWESOME! It was a nail biter to the very end, but my team won. No beer cravings, but I did crave the non-alcoholic brew though lol. I don't know what to make of that, but I only had one.

On Friday and Saturday my husband actually asked me to make him an appointment for his back, but by Sunday he scratched the idea and was refusing intervention again. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but he can't go on like this.

kay, I am proud of the way you are handling...everything.
Glad that your team won!:)
Have a good day.
bizi

About the missing jacket...

My dad said when he went to look in the basement all he could find where my stuff had been was my wedding dress. I had a LOT of stuff down there and some of it was expensive and/or sentimental. I can only hope someone just moved it. But I know some of it will be missing.

There are things I have wanted to go get, but haven't because that is where I made my s/s attempt and because that is where all the events (and people) directly leading up to it happened and I don't have the courage. But this kinda makes me want to go over there and see what else they've stolen from me.

To be kind, my father's wife's family is a drug-dealing white trash band of thieves. In addition to bp, my dad's mind is not quite right anymore (probably from years of heavy alcoholism), and he has no balls.

When I was lying on the floor bleeding, my father's wife's granddaughter was jumping up behind the cops to get a better look and was laughing. It wasn't just in my mind. One of the police officers told my father she did it... she almost got herself arrested that night. These are the type of people I am talking about...

I'm not going to get into it in any detail, but things really went to (expletive) for me when my dad went to FL last year and left his wife's granddaughter living with me (to "help me" lol). And she started dealing drugs out of the house, and I made the mistake of telling him. He said he didn't believe me even though she's not the only one in his wife's family who deals drugs. He handled it BADLY and all hell broke loose.

He's told me on multiple occasions he knew I was telling the truth about the drugs (you can't turn back time, dad), but was under pressure from his wife. Knowing all he does about her, the granddaughter lives in his house, he pays for her car, her school, and God knows what else and she works for him. He's told me all this. And he has the nerve to complain about her to me because she has violent outbursts. She's 20 BTW.

I'm 1/4 children who still speaks to my father. I'm the one with the best reasons not to. Several members of my family are very angry I still have contact with him after what happened. I think he harbors a lot of guilt over my s/s attempt. He should, but I've forgiven him. But I told him if we were talking on the phone and I heard his wife chime in once, I'd hang up and wouldn't talk to him anymore. He's respected that. Apparently he's stood up to her on that point because usually you can't get that (expletive) to shut her (expletive) mouth.

I didn't leave it well with my father. I let him know in no uncertain terms what I thought about those (expletive) (expletives) and where they could go. And I said I was too angry to talk anymore.

It is just a jacket. But then it's not. It's the point. It's what it represents.

Thank you for reading. I think I just needed a vent.
I feel better now.

so sorry kay
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Kay


Your father is definitely not helpful.
I am sorry that the situation stinks so much.


I would be disappointed about my jacket too.

M