No, my father is not helpful. You have no idea how hurtful the situation in general is. It's so (expletived) up.

Before my mother died when I was 17, she said that my father would remarry because he needs someone to take care of him and can't be alone. My mother was a wise woman. She said we should do our best to accept the woman the best we could, but I don't think my mother had his current wife in min when she said that.

This is my father's second marriage since. I was very close with my first step mother and our relationship was built on mutual respect. She was a good woman and did her best to take care of my brother who was only 9 at the time. But my father still favored taking care of her family over his own at times.

This carried over into his current marriage (my father's 4th) but to an extreme. And he cut off my 2 sisters years ago, then my brother 2mo before my s/s attempt- all instigated by his wife. She's very controlling and gets whatever she wants for herself and her family and is ruining my father's business. He knows it, and lets it happen.

I love my father. I have a million reasons from my childhood to the present to run for the hills, but I will not. You only get one father.

you are right. you only get one father.So much pain.
bobby

kay this sounds awful.
bizi

My therapist of 10yrs left to go to another practice over a year ago.

I have a new therapist, but so much has gone on in the last year we focus on the present. The problem is so much stuff makes reference to the past or relates to past trauma, but I don't have the time or energy to get into it. I have a lot of locked doors. And I don't go often either. She never gets up to speed. I have an appointment the 25th though.

It hurts to lose someone you have been with for so long....((((HUGS))))

Kay, just a thought. Is there a way you could journal your past/history.. high lighting areas of importance, you could write it in a word document. Try to just get the facts down. And then get it to her, maybe send it to her to read before your next visit???? or just bring it in and let her read it or you read it to her, something for you to hold onto while you tell your story.
Just a thought....
I don't know....I have brought in stuff for my pdoc before that was insightful.
sorry it is so hard for you.
On a similar note:
I have a medical history Page that I have saved to word with all of my info, contact info, chronologically listed facts, hospitalization dates stuff like that... that I bring with me to new doctor visits to refer back to in case I need info and can't remember it.
latest lab results dates of mammo, pap etc. I keep it on my desk top and add to it when something occurs, new doctor appointment dates etc.
This works for me. Oh I need to update my latest med changes!
bizi

I have a med list on my desktop and keep 2 updated copies in my purse. I always give the MDs a copy to hold onto at appointments. I usually do well with the med hx.

I've tried to write down specifics related to my family and childhood before... it gets so twisted up and it's like a saga. It's hard for me to write clearly, never mind explain clearly. It kinda has to be drawn out slowly in pieces. I have to stop and start because I'll start explaining something but it needs another backstory. It's a mess, and it is not a pleasant place to revisit.

Now is not the time at any rate. The s/s attempt was 12/23 last year. I have a feeling I'll be spending some time on the SOS forum soon.

I'm laying low at home for the holidays. I have unresolved issues with a couple of family members. My goal is to stay safe, stay stable, and stay sober through 2016 and beyond.

sometimes i think it is better to try to dig up good memories since the bad ones are so painful and really can't be repressed unless you are a master of denial.
bobby

I do denial pretty damn well at times. But I do still have good memories and try to focus on those when they surface.

sorry if I caused you any grief my dear...did not mean to.:(
are you particularly sad around the holidays...alot of people are.
Maybe it is the anniversary date that will be hard for you?
sorry you have issues with some of your family.
IT is probably a mixture of all of the above....
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

The older of my two brothers has told my sister and me that the younger brother is trying too hard to "fill a hole" and that filling the hole only makes the hole bigger and focuses on the past and that there is in fact no hole.
(It is psychobabble nonsense that he misheard perhaps.)


I realized that he has found a way to live with the past --- by doing his version of living in the present.


Or, more likely, by deciding to stop thinking about the past.

It seems to work for him as long as you can ignore his anger and sel-righteousness.

M

It is extraordinarily hard to find any good ones, esp if I have to sort through scores of bad ones tinged with various versions of craziness.

Honest to god, the good memories are ones of me by myself. . . . sometimes they are of me playing my piano or walking in the woods, or cooking blackberry cobbler for everyone else while I was home alone, . . . of reading all of Ulysses on the beach one summer between college semesters just for fun, of writing in my diary when I was in grade school/middle school . . . . at 16 yrs old of driving across the county to teach piano lessons to the kids of a wealthy family and of also getting get paid to read to their blind grandmother.

I liked "working" in the public library when I was 15.
I was actually volunteering because I was too young to get paid and because Mom inisisted that I be gone for parts of the day because she did not want me around the house during the summer.
But Mom and I had a few fights about transportation until I was finally 16 and had the use of a car so the library is only a "medium" happy memory.

I remember a high school boyfriend fondly. We did not break up. We said goodbye when my family moved four states away.


M

I am glad that you have some good memories to hold onto.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Bizi, You never upset me :):):)

The first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother and grammy were horrible. I miss them and the rest of my lost loved ones during the holidays, but not to the point where my holidays have been filled with sadness. I have a lot of good memories of the holidays when my family members were on their best behavior, and they surface then.

Last year I was so out of it, I was mostly unaware of the upcoming holidays. When I was alone at my dad's I remember buying Christmas gifts for my nephews and getting a card in the mail from my aunt- that is it. The timing of my s/s attempt had nothing to do with the holidays. It could have been the fourth of July and I wouldn't have known the difference.
I don't remember anything about the holidays themselves because I was GONE at that point.

I'm avoiding the holidays because of the family members I need to avoid. They've had almost a year to try to reach out to me in a meaningful way and they have not. I'm not the type of person who deals well with pretending everything's okay. They don't deserve it, and I don't need to expose myself to a toxic environment.

I know that things are going to get difficult because the anniversary of the s/s attempt is coming up. I was highly paranoid, but there were a lot of (expletived) up REAL events that pushed me over the edge, and they're already on my mind making me angry...
My husband HATES, ABSOLUTELY HATES most of my family, and especially my father, his wife and her family mostly (but not in all cases) because of the events leading up to my s/s attempt. And, as I said, I have my own unresolved issues and alluded to some hatred of my own...

Last night I told my husband that the best thing we can do is to NOT discuss any of these people or events. He needs to avoid going on any tirades, and he needs to help redirect me if I start. It can only fuel the fire.
I also need to suck it up and add in a couple extra therapy appointments.

If I need to get it all out, I can go to the SOS forum.

I think everyone here shares two things: bipolar disorder and trauma.

We all deal with our trauma differently of course. For example, I like the land of denial when I can live there.
Mari, your younger brother may be dealing with the past by living in the present, but I doubt he's forgotten about it if his anger is palpable. Or maybe that's just part of his personality? I don't know.

But like Bobby said it's important that we all try to find and focus on good memories. I don't think it matters what they are as long as you have them...

While finishing up the cooking for a holiday dinner in my family, whoever puts the rolls in the oven mentions my mother's recipe for making rolls, "cook 'til black." It's a good memory, funny, and it eases the pain of her absence. It works.

dear kay,
why do you feel that needing extra tdoc appointments is bad..."sucking it up"?
You have had so much trauma....and this anniversary coming up could be a big trigger for you.
Good idea about telling hubby to not talk about it/family issues.
You are never going to change them.
The only thing you have control of is the present.

I am wishing you some peace today.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I don't like going... I think I explained a little bit about that in a post above. It also costs me $70 every time I go.

I got some great news today! But it came with some worries that I'll address down the road.

Kay

I really enjoy reading your threads. Thanks for posting all that is going on.

Or has.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

sorry kay....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Thank you Donna :hug:

It's okay Bizi...

There has been a lot of sadness in my life, but there have been and still are (to a lesser degree now), a lot of good things, too. I just wish I wasn't so isolated.

The last year has been HELL, but it has reminded me of how resilient I am...
I've been through a lot lately, my meds are still working well, and I think I've done a good job of redirecting myself recently. I keep in very close contact with pdoc and I'll reach out in case those meds do need tweaking. I'll make it through 2016 in one piece.

My husband is taking me to go get a new jacket tomorrow. The old one is from L.L. Bean. They changed the design, it's not exactly to my taste as far as I can tell over the internet, and it's $225. I want to hit Macy's first because they're having a sale. I don't want to spend $225, especially if I'm not in love with something. My husband is not going to have fun.

My pdoc's office just called to tell me she completed the med release and sent it out. I doubt my PCP's office will call to notify me. So far, I haven't heard from the drunk organization that I need that substance abuse evaluation. I'll take that as good news. :) I'm going to call next Friday to ask them if they've received all the paperwork they needed and notified the DMV and court, if I haven't already heard from them. It should be more than ample time. I'm still not rushing.

BTW I am 4mo sober today.

Kay,

Good luck shopping. :)

Happy 4 months sober. :heartthrob:


M

Kay
congratulations!!!!
that s awesome!
hope you find your jacket that you like, maybe you had a coupon to help????
bizi

Kay,

Did a jacket that will work for you?


M

Macy's had some nice jackets (I'm not looking for a puffy coat or anything), but I couldn't find anything that I could be sure would be warm enough. Then I went to the L.L.Bean outlet. They had one like the one I'm missing, but it was a 10P in an ugly color. I tried it on and it was HUGE. I hope it wasn't an irregular...

When I went to buy the jacket online (in Navy) I didn't know what size to buy. My old one was an 8, but they've probably changed designs a few times since then. I held my breath and ordered a 6 because I was swimming in the 10. Knowing my luck, I ordered the wrong size and I'm going to have to go through the mailing process to exchange it. My husband's going to love bringing me to the post office/ UPS store. Plus, I'll be without a jacket for longer. So I'm anxious about it, but there's nothing I can do about it right no, so (expletive) it.

I didn't have any coupons for Macy's, but they were having a big sale. The outlet price for the jacket was $190. The price I paid online was $229. I looked for coupon/promo codes, but none of them worked :(

My husband was in a (expletive) VILE mood the whole time we were out... a total of 2:15 including a trip to the pharmacy to pick up a script. It's hard to be thankful when someone isn't exactly acting very charitable. Damn I wish I had my license.

I don't know what to say. I hope the jacket fits.
Bobby

sorry he was in a vile mood...not fun to be around. I wish you had your license too.
bizi

Sending good thoughts.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

The high today is 39, but I'm not going anywhere.
My jacket is supposed to arrive tomorrow, but I have a test at 1. The high will be 42. lol. I think it's coming via UPS. The postman comes around 2, but I know UPS comes earlier than that... I hope it gets here early, and fits (fingers crossed).

I have a hard time shopping because I'm indecisive and I get buyers remorse. I'm often wary I made the wrong decision. I took it very, very easy on my husband because of his impatience. We were only in Macy's for about 15 minutes, and I wouldn't even let him come in to L.L.Bean. We spent more time driving, and at Target, where I got my prescription and had to wait in a long line to pay for some random things I had to pick up. If I was by myself, I would have hit about 5 more stores (including another L.L.Bean) to try to avoid spending $230, and I probably would have ended up buying a jacket and I would have known it would fit. I'm okay with the jacket I bought- the buyers remorse comes about because of the sizing and the cost. I feel like I should have ordered the 8 because I could still wear it, even if it was too big. And I'm dealing with my "favorite" thing: a lack of control over the outcome. Still thinking/mad about why I'm missing my jacket. Lots of anxiety over a damned jacket. I'm sorry I'm still talking about it. Sometimes I get really hung up on little things.

My husband was in a bad mood all weekend. He throws fits like a child, but it's scary. I took 1.5mg of Klonopin before we went out shopping- I should have taken 3. It's a big relief that today is Monday and he's at work, but it's only a 3 day work week because of Thanksgiving. I hope he finds a new attitude because I don't know if I can handle 4 days of him in a bad mood. Last year we spent Thanksgiving apart. I'm sure that's on his mind, probably why he's been in an especially bad mood, and I'm sure he'll begin starting fights and throwing that in my face soon... something to look forward to... I'm going to have to be very careful what I say, so I don't set him off.

Last month I requested records from my DUI case in NH to show to the DMV in my home state of MA- they arrived Saturday. They're really hard to read :mad: I'm surprised at how much of it is handwritten. I have to make copies that I'm sure will turn out worse. According to the clerk in the court in NH, they're all I'll need. I hope she's right. I don't want to wait in line at the MA DMV all day only to find out I have to go to the courthouse in NH to get something else, or get cleaner copies run. Now that I've gotten that concern off my chest, I'm going to put the papers aside and forget about them until I need them. It's not an immediate threat, so I'm not dealing with that issue right now.

I'm waiting for something else in the mail, not related to the DUI. It includes written instructions for something that I'm fuzzy on because they were given to me over the phone before 8am and I had been sleeping. It would be better to get them sooner rather than later, but in my experience that office is slow.

I was going to call the drunk people on Friday to check to see if they had all my paperwork. Bad plan. I'm sure they'll be closed d/t the holiday. I'm flirting with the idea of calling Wednesday, but I might let that go. I don't want possible bad news to mar my Thanksgiving.

There's a football game on tonight, and it's going to be a good one! :) I'm really looking forward to it! :) But it doesn't start until 8:30. My husband will miss almost of it because he has to go to bed early so he can be up between 4-5. I'm going to have to take a nap so I don't pass out watching it (I woke up extra early this morning). I know I'll have at least 2 of the kitties (well, they're all technically senior citizens 10,9,8) snuggled up with me, and there's a good chance I'll have the third there, too :) I'll allow myself 2 O'Douls. I miss beer when I watch football.

thank God for football and kitty cats. I totally understand the focusing on the jacket. you have been under so much pressure that i think the anxiety associated with the jacket is the lesser of the many evils. too bad there aren't cheer up pills to slip into your husband.
bobby

I am glad that you have the game to look forward to.:)
bizi

I wish I could slip him a couple of Klonopin ;)

That is how I feel about my husband.

A few times I did give him Benedryl (told him it was aspirin).
It had no affect on him.


M

lol. I love it!

I've given my husband benedryl, but only to put him to sleep. It worked for that.

I talked to my father today and it triggered a lot of bad memories about events leading up to my s/s attempt that he was complicit in. I still have a relationship with him despite it.

I talk to him on the phone regularly, but have only seen him once in the last year even though he lives 15min away. He's going back to FL again. I've been telling him I want to see him before he goes to FL. It's just been excuses, but this time it became clear to me that he just doesn't want to see me. I don't know if it's his wife, guilt, the scar, or what, but it's (expletive) up...

'Tis the season for me to naturally rehash these events, as the s/s attempt was Dec. 23rd. It leaves me wondering why in the hell I want to talk to him, let alone see him...

Our relationship is based on the foundation of my denial. Right now I'm seeing things very clearly and I'm very angry. I'm not so sure that this is a bad thing. I don't know why I'm fighting for this kind of relationship, since it is sickeningly dysfunctional and obviously one-sided.

I feel compelled to call him and tell him to go (expletive) himself and I'm coming to get what's left of my (expletive) out of his house and then be done with him. But I have a tdoc appointment tomorrow. She's actually going to get something out of me this time.

I'm have a feeling I'm going to have to log some serious therapy hours over the next couple of months.

I wrote a much longer post that required some HEAVY editing on my part. I apologize if you had to read it.

yes I am glad that you got this out.
I am leaving to go to work and will respond more later.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thank you Bizi :hug:

I thought I'd write a couple of positive things:

The cats and I enjoyed the game last night... Another nail-biter, but I had to record the end of it because it went long and I started falling asleep. I watched the end this morning and my team won.

My jacket arrived today and thank God it fits!!! :)
I'll have enough room in there with my heaviest sweatshirt and then some.
One less thing to worry about.

Kay! :hug::hug::hug:

Great news about the jacket fitting you, even with your sweatshirt.

M

Just getting back to your thread.....
It is hard to let go of a family member...he is your only Dad.
I hear your ambivalence.
Thank you for sharing.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I don't know if I can let go.

I see pdoc today. I had copied and pasted the original post to a friend in an email. I will bring that, and another long vent I sent to her to my appointment. I think it will help a lot. I'm sure tdoc will have some questions, maybe will draw more out. Hopefully I'll be able to release some of my anger so I can better enjoy my Thanksgiving.

I'm mostly angry. But also sad that he is like he is, did the things he did, does the things he does.

is it your tdoc or pdoc? that you are seeing?
good luck either way.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

It's my therapist. And it's VERY GOOD TIMING...

My father called me a couple of hours ago out of the blue and asked if he could come over. I said yes.

It was awkward. There was some light conversation. It got heavier when he talked about his financial troubles. And then he hit me with "I came to say goodbye, I'm not coming back." He has no immediate health threats but has been in a deep depression for months. I asked him if he was planning to do something to himself and he hung his head.

I said what one would normally say in this situation, but I have more obviously have more input. I told him I had to relive what I did everyday, but I got a second chance and now that my meds were straight I feel better than I have in over 10yrs. He just needs to ask for help and he can feel better soon, too.

The conversation obviously went further, but he eventually dismissed the topic. I forgot to ask if he had a plan.

I'm in a unique position because his wife and I hate each other. If I call her and tell her or leave her a message about what he said, she won't believe me, will call me crazy, and God knows what else. If I relay the information to someone else the result will be the same because I'm still the source of the information.

My father used to own a gun. Then he got rid of it. But I think he bought a new one later. I sent a text to my brother (who I don't talk to) asking if, to his knowledge, my dad still has a gun. I'm waiting to hear back. He may not answer me.

I told my good aunt. But he doesn't speak to her. Neither does his wife. I could tell the bad aunt, but she would make a mess of things by getting hysterical.

My dad may have been being melodramatic, but I have to take this seriously. I think I'm going to have to suck it up and call his ***** wife or tell the bad aunt.
Maybe he's having a problem dealing with the guilt of last year's events. I don't know.

I'm obviously going to have to talk this out with my therapist today.