I am sorry that there is drama with his family.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

kay


$610 plus counseling is a lot of money!!:(


Your Buddy's doing a high five -- that is the cutest thing:D


Kay,

Kay,

It is sweet that you are sending out Christmas cards to your husband's family. .
. . .sweet and weird and painful.
But it is good for him, esp since he might not bother to do so without your doing.

I wish we could see Buddy do the high five.

M

$610 IS a lot of money, especially considering it doesn't include any of the counseling sessions. I'll be shelling out at least $400 a month for those, and I'll be paying another $60 a month for drunk.org to "monitor" me.

I wish I could video tape the high five... it's ****ing awesome! :) I just put my hand up and he does it.
He'll only do it when he's alone on the couch with me, so my husband can't see it or record it. He thinks I'm FOS. Oh well, It's something special just for me then :)

My husband would never send out Christmas cards. He would never buy his family presents (they expect them) either. So far, I've bought his mother and sister Yankee Candles online. He would just buy gift cards at the drug store. He'll probably just buy his step father a 30pk of Bud Light and put a bow on it. I was pushing for a Pats Tee shirt.

I only have the limited information my husband has given me to go on as far as how his family feels about me. He told me not to text on birthdays or holidays...
However I got a Christmas card with a $50 gift card from his father in the mail yesterday. He signed it "Dad" as he always did. We were always very close. I will text him to thank him today. It's appropriate. I don't care what my husband thinks.
My mother in law also sent a joint home for me (for the paresthesias in my legs from the MS) one day. My husband told me not to text her to thank her directly.

On another note, the unpleasant imagery has returned, but I think it's intrusive thoughts rather than PTSD this time. I think it's due to the substance abuse counseling making me think about why I stopped drinking triggering thoughts about my s/s attempt.
I have to make an appointment with pdoc. She was very worried about the intrusive thoughts during our last visit. Those thoughts haven't returned. She is really not going to like these.
I don't know what kind of intervention she is going to recommend, but I don't believe it's a safe time for her to introduce an antidepressant, and I will not take one.
I'm not showing any signs of hypomania or depression, but my anxiety has been high off and on lately and making it hard for me to settle down. That leads me to believe that if I swing, I'll be up again. I don't need an antidepressant on board if that happens.

Kay

I have an appointment with pdoc Friday morning.

have we talked about agitated dysphoria?
mixed moods?
not fun aspects of bipolar.....
sorry it is so hard.
christmas is so hard for people, be kind to yourself. and don't pressure yourself either.
bizi

Thank you Bizi :hug::hug::hug:

I've been paying careful attention, but I'm not having any sx of hypomania or depression. These are intrusive thoughts... OCD. But I worry if I let it go it could trigger an episode. So far that has not been the case. I see pdoc tomorrow. I hope she can work some magic.

My husband can't get the 28th off to take me to the substance abuse evaluation. I'm going to ask my friend to take me, but there's no guarantee. It's a lot to ask because the appointment is 90min long. If Bill can't give me a ride, I'll just have to reschedule for a date when my husband can get the day off from work.

I mailed my Christmas cards and the package of gifts to my nephews yesterday before we hit the supermarket. The post office was deserted... I was very fortunate.

I texted my father in law yesterday to thank him for the card/gift card and I said he didn't have to do that. He said, "Of course I did, you're my daughter." I told him I hadn't texted for his birthday or holidays because my husband said not to. So he said it was best to keep my text a secret... He texted my husband, asked for my phone number, and asked if it was okay for him to text me.
My husband gave him my number and said it was up to him if he wanted to text me. When my husband came home, he told me his father had asked for my number and he gave it to him, and he said should probably give his mother (they're divorced) my number because she had been asking for it for a while.

He also decided to have me sign all those Christmas cards after all.

I'm confused, but I'm sure my husband had his reasons. But f I press him, he'll erupt. I'm better off not questioning it. He has his own version of what happened prior to our separation and has villainized me. Perhaps he didn't want to have that questioned. He also may have wanted to keep the extent of my MH problems a secret.

I'm very happy that I'm able to reconnect with my father in law. I love him very much and we've always been great friends. I have mixed feelings about my mother in law and my husband's step father. They are hard-core alcoholics and my husband really gets going when they're all together. My excessive drinking was isolated to hypomania prior to the 4mo period leading up to my s/s attempt. They always wanted me to visit, but I was expected to be seen and not heard. They have treated me poorly at times in the past. I love my husband's sister, but I don't have high hopes for rekindling a relationship there. She is very defensive of her brother, and I know that she is not happy that we are back together.

I feel better now that I know that not everyone hates me.

oh kay, I am glad that you feel better now.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Kay,

Your father-in-law sounds like a sweetie.:)

Your husband probably will continue to adjust/settle into this new version of your relationship.

I think marriages move/evolve/stay static/ evolve again -- as if they are living and breathing organisims.

My hubby does not complain to my in-laws because he does not talk to them about me at all. (Hubby MAJOR compartmentalizes). He does complain to a few friends about mental health type issues of mine but presents them as foibles / annoyances.
Also he feels comfortable complaining to my family and they are o.k. with listening to him a little.

M

i am so happy about your father-in-law but so sad about your sister-in-law.
maybe time will heal the relationship. you must also love her because she is so protective of her brother. too bad she has no influence over his drinking. I wonder if i should have written that. My father was the only one who drank. Once when we were little we went to a restaurant and my mother ordered a drink so unlike her. Myra and I when she wasn't looking would sip from her glass. then my mother thought she had consumed the alcohol and started behaving tipsy. it was so funny.After they had parties Myra and i would help clean up and we usually emptied the drinks. I guess we drank more than my mother.
bobby

Kay

Maybe keeping your contact information away from his dad and mom. Were a coping way for him. So maybe know that his father asked for the information,
he thinks giving to his mom is okay too. I think if you give his sister
some more time she will want what is best for him also. If she decides its
you she might want the information also. I'm glad he had you sign the
christmas cards too.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Around 8am I wrote to Bizi that I was stable and just having intrusive thoughts.

Around 9:30 while talking to the cab driver who was bringing me to my pdoc appointment, I realized my mood was elevated and I was especially chatty. I was in danger of being late to my appointment because I couldn't shut up and lost track of the time. Fortunately, she was running late.

In the waiting room, I went over yesterday's events in my mind. I had vacuumed, done 4 loads of laundry, swept the kitchen and bathroom floors, and made corned beef and cabbage. Doing all this is atypical for me given my usual limitations d/t MS. I also woke up 2hrs earlier than normal this morning.

I am hypomanic.

By now, you all know my history. It took months to shut down my last episode. I ****ing hope that's not the case this time. I can't bear the thought of struggling through another long episode like that. And I have no desire to spend the holidays in the psych ward again.

Seroquel is my heavy-hitter. I'm at 700mg now. The dose is being increased to 750mg. That should help with the intrusive thoughts, and hopefully the hypomania. The limit for seroquel is 800mg... I don't like being so close to that limit.

The second significant med is gabapentin. I'm currently on 400mg, a relatively low dose. That can be increased to 600mg and beyond if necessary. The increase(s) here are up to my discretion, based on my response to the 50mg increase of seroquel.

Getting the right balance of seroquel and gabapentin is what finally squashed that long episode. I hope it works (fast) this time around. Depending on how I feel tomorrow after adding the extra 50mg of seroquel tonight, I may increase the gabapentin to 600mg tomorrow night. I escalate too quickly to wait around.

At least I'm euphoric, and not dysphoric at this point.


Meanwhile, drunk.org called to reschedule my substance abuse evaluation again... now it's January 4th. I asked my husband to request the day off, but he's ****** they keep changing it, and he's afraid they'll change it yet again. Even if he asks for the day off, he may not be able to get it because of the holidays. I can't rely on my friend for a ride. He's going to be out of town. I may have to reschedule it. What a pain in the ***.

I asked pdoc for the note saying I'm proactive and compliant in my MH care so I can bring it to the evaluation. She said it was no problem. It will be ready for me at my next appointment on the 28th.

Kay,

More meds/ increased dosages -- whatever it takes to get you to the new year 2016.

M

Kay

So glad you know when it needs upped or changed.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I am glad that you are so self aware. Yes recognizing when we are hypo is hard when in the throws of the matter.
It is nice getting things done though....
I hope your body is not screaming back at you today.
(((((HUGS))))) to you.:hug:
Bizi

I think it's pretty awesome that based on my posts Bizi caught on to the fact that I was having an episode before I did. I told her a couple of times I was stable before I realized I wasn't.

I have a really hard time catching things early because it's hard for me to distinguish mild hypo symptoms from anxiety (it was a big problem when I was using the prns so I was under-medicating). Even all that activity on Thursday flew under my radar even though I thought I was being extra vigilant.

I'm not having a full-blown episode of hypomania at the moment, but I'm pretty high despite adding the extra 50mg seroquel last night. It's about 10am here, and my am meds have had plenty of time to kick in. I don't know what the rest of the day will bring...
But I'm going to up the gabapentin tonight to 600mg to try to avoid an escalation or dysphoria. It might mean I'll be snowing myself for a little while until I adjust to the dosage, but it's for a good cause.

Finding myself in another episode is very scary for me based on my history, but I'm going to try my best not to make a big deal out of it. That will just add fuel to the fire. I've been successful redirecting myself lately, and I can't see why I can't apply the same principles here. I told my husband "I'm up and a little too happy, so I'm adjusting my meds." When it comes down to it, isn't that just exactly what's happening? Plain and simple.

I'm just going to focus on the med piece. Things started to fall into place once I added the gabapentin into the mix last time. It should work again, and more quickly, since this time I'm in a better place than I was then.

That is why this place is a good reason to post often and trust that we have each others back. Waves used to be able to tell me the truth or her observations here and that is one reason why I miss her.
Hope this makes sense.
Hope that you get your meds adjusted evenly for you. Be careful today.
bizi

Thanks Bizi. :hug:

It makes perfect sense.

I didn't increase the gabapentin last night.

I ended up taking a second klonopin and I settled down pretty quickly yesterday. I even ended up hitting the MS wall of fatigue around 2pm as usual.

I want to be aggressive, but it looks like it's a good idea to wait and let the 50mg of seroquel do its job for now. I think a gabapentin increase right now would blow me away.

You are doing well, Kay.

Keep paying attention. :hug::hug::hug:


M

You're doing well Kay

Thank you :grouphug:

I just had an appointment with my pdoc, but I didn't realize I was out of refills for lamictal. I called the medline to request it at 7:30. Pdoc works fast- they called back and said she called it in at 8:30.

I've been using Target pharmacy. It's going to be a nightmare in there when I go to pick it up! I could use a few things, but I'm not willing to wait in the long lines there to get them. I'll have my husband bring me to the Rite Aid around the corner. They should have everything I need there.

So far the 50mg of seroquel is still working on its own for the hypomania. The intrusive thoughts are better, but not gone. I have an appointment with pdoc on the 28th. I'm willing to wait until then to address that.

I have an appointment with tdoc tomorrow. I'm currently residing in the land of denial again, and I'm comfortable here. There's nothing in particular I want to talk about and I'm trying to avoid triggers. That's why I hate going to therapy.

I still don't know if my husband can get the 4th off to take me to the substance abuse evaluation because he hasn't asked yet. I have a feeling I'm going to have to reschedule it. Then they'll probably reschedule it again on me... BS.

Kay,

Re going to Target: I get tremendously agitated around holidays because things are out of routine in terms of traffic patterns and flow of people in the neighborhood and grocery stores, and so on. I ESPECIALLY worry ahead of time about all things medical. Was your Target busy because of Christmas activity or because it is usually busy? I am happy to hear that you got your Lamictal.

I understand about letting some things stay covered. I hope that the therapist is helpful to you this visit. Do you have an appointment that is scheduled for soon after that? For example, if not in Dec, at least the first week of the new year?
When I have been concerned about myself, it helped to know that I only had to get through the next ten days or whatever.

I am very happy to hear that you have a pdoc appt on the 28th. You are doing an
impressive job of monitoring your reactions and your medications.
I hope that you get want you want with regards to transportation to the
substance abuse evaluation. You are doing well handling the obstacle course.

M

Mari,

We did our grocery shopping yesterday. My husband wasn't happy, but he understands that we need to do these things early to avoid the crowds... he's not a patient man. We did the same thing before Thanksgiving. Our fridge and cabinets are packed.

That Target is always a nightmare. It's just going to be much worse because it's so close to Christmas. All the toys, those big TV's, etc are on sale. I'm going to have the cab wait for me while I run in, and I'm heading straight for the pharmacy counter. I don't think there will be an increase in pharmacy traffic.

I suffer from social anxiety, so it's not easy for me to be in big crowds. I do pretty well with my cane, but people walk right into me. It makes my anxiety much, much worse. I am deathly afraid of falling- especially in public.
I haven't been anywhere near the mall close to Christmas in years.

I don't have an appointment scheduled with tdoc after this one. I should make one today, but money is on my mind. Every time I visit pdoc or tdoc it costs me $70 between the cab fare and copay...

I'm already worried about the costs associated with the substance abuse evaluation and counseling. It's going to be very expensive.

I'm going to reschedule the eval appointment. It's too close to the holidays so my husband probably can't get it off, and he doesn't even want to ask. Because drunk.org seems to have a habit of rescheduling appointments, my husband will wait for the week before the new appointment date to ask for the day off.

I'm really happy that the extra 50mg of seroquel is keeping me stable right now. It's very encouraging :)

I was surprised at what came out at my therapy appointment...

I reflected on how long I was misdiagnosed as BPII. For almost 8yrs when I wasn't hypomanic, I was living like a zombie, snowed on a ton of meds. My hypomanic episodes far outnumbered my periods of depression- I can only remember needing an antidepressant a handful of times. Despite an uptick in hypomanic episodes over a period of two years (while still on those heavy meds), the meds were rarely, if ever, adjusted and the BPII diagnosis was never re-evaluated. I went over all the warning signs that were missed, among them several self-reported periods of paranoia that were dismissed. I want those years back.

I can't help but wonder what those years would have been like if I was diagnosed correctly earlier and was put on the right meds... And the big unanswerable question is: Would I have ended up trying to take my own life if I was?

I talked about having a split personality in regards to my drinking. Moderate drinker when stable vs. alcoholic in the presence of hypo/mania (I know I'm an alcoholic, there is no split diagnosis). My drinking problem grew worse as my bipolar disorder became more unstable. I told tdoc about the substance abuse evaluation and counseling, talked about the importance of abstaining from alcohol, and reaffirmed my determination to remain sober. She does not think I need substance abuse counseling, but unfortunately, it's not up to her.

I expressed my frustration about another split... When I'm hypo/manic I don't have to deal with the fatigue and cognitive issues of MS. I've enjoyed a lot of things about being hypo over the years, but above all, I like feeling and being more functional. I sorely miss that when I return to baseline.

There's a split with OCD, too. I don't have time for it when I'm hypo. I have to pay more attention to this point because when those symptoms start to diminish, it's probably a good indication that an episode is around the corner.

I didn't directly address my s/s attempt except to talk about the effects it must have had on my husband and sister. I know this must be a particularly difficult time for my husband after everything I put him through. Not just after my s/s attempt- This has been a very hard year in general. He spent Christmas and Christmas Eve with me in the hospital, even though we were separated at the time. I want him to know that I realize how much pain I must have inflicted upon him, but it's a subject he simply doesn't want to talk about. I respect that. The anniversary is tomorrow.

After putting some things into perspective, all I had to offer was anger. I'm angry that I'm bipolar, I'm angry about all those missed opportunities, and I'm still very angry at myself.

I guess it was a productive visit. I don't feel any worse for wear.

i am so sorry you are angry at yourself. it was beyond your control. you are doing so well now and are so vigilant. please stop being angry
fondly
bobby

Hi, Kay,

Anger can be productive in that it helps with clarity/ insight and in getting us to the next place.

A lot of us were mis-dx'ed and/or medicated improperly. I think that lost years due to sloppy doctoring are more present than not for people with bipolar. (Essentially all of us dx'd bipolar belong in one huge support group for lost years/lost jobs/lost friendships/lost money/lost family members.)
Be angry. Embrace your own good strengths.:)

Then forgive yourself. A person with properly treated bipolar drinks differently than someone who is inadequately treated.

Re your abstaining from alcohol: you are doing very well. :hug:

I can see how the awareness of how the OCD plays into things requires that attention be paid to it.

I am really happy to hear that it was a productive visit. You are doing very well.
:hug:

Do you and your husband have happy Christmas traditions? New Years?

M

Thank you Bobby and Mari :hug:

Today is the 1yr anniversary of my s/s attempt.

I do think that the anger I was experiencing yesterday was productive, and it did help to put things into perspective. Prior to yesterday, I wasn't delving that far into the past.

Dealing with all the issues associated with my s/s attempt will be a long ongoing process. It is easy to say "Forgive yourself," but this is not something that is easily accomplished after you have traumatized your family and yourself in the way, and to the degree, that I did. It's tough to try to fight back from insanity, and try to learn how to live with what you've done. It's been a very difficult year.

The hardest things to for me to understand about my s/s attempt is that I was manic, not depressed. And even though I was psychotic, I planned, was methodical, and what I did seemed logical to me at the time. I can't explain the disconnect.
I know how important early intervention is. That's why I've fought as hard as I have to stay proactive in my care and remain vigilant, and it's why I'm still here.

I do view my s/s attempt as a second chance at life. I'd do anything to take it back, but I'm better and worse for it. The last year has been absolute hell, but there have been victories, too. I've reconciled with my husband, learned how to better manage my MH care, have taken more control over my life, and I've quit drinking.

I value my life, and will continue to do everything I need to in order to safeguard it. I'm happy to be here.

-----

My husband and I used to visit his parents on Christmas Eve, and go to my aunt's on Christmas Day. I'm staying at home this year and making dinner on Christmas Eve, but my husband will visit with his side of the family on Christmas Day. I just can't handle the stress this year.

-----

I was up 2hrs early this morning. I'm not sure yet if I'm experiencing extra anxiety or low-grade symptoms of hypomania. I took an extra 1/2mg of klonopin this morning, but it hasn't helped much. All I can do is jack up the klonopin, wait for a response, and pay close attention to my behavior today. In the past I've had the habit of escalating every week or so. I saw pdoc and my seroquel was adjusted Friday. If I need to, I'll just add in that extra 200mg of gabapentin tonight.

Today is a good day.
 

Kay,

Do you keep a written record or keep track somehow of the meds you increase or decrease? 'Just wandering. I would not be able to remember.

Things like that are wounds that take a lot of time to heal although we can
probably notice some bits of relief from them along the way.

That one makes sense to me.

---
I do not know at all if this applies in your case but I remember a pnurse I knew as a friend explaining to me (in a very general way) that people who are depressed do not often have the energy. Also, that movement of one to the other (depression to mania OR mania to depression) is the most dangerous time. That fits into my own understanding of mixed states -- sorry if I got off topic.
I am being a little vague on purpose.

You are beautiful and safe.

===
'Stinks about family and the Christmas gathering/s.
It is good that you are staying home.
I kind of remember that you like to cook. Is that right?

Keep taking care of yourself. You are strong and good.

M

When I went through my last episode, I carefully documented med changes and daily symptoms. It helped pdoc. It also helped me a lot because I was using those prns for a while.
Either I'm just experiencing heightened anxiety or the increased amount of klonopin I'm taking has been handling the mild hypomania. I have a hard time telling the difference- and I'm the only one who can make that determination.

My therapist told me the same thing re: severely depressed people not having the energy to make an attempt.

I've been through a couple of episodes of agitated mania (mixed episodes) since my s/s attempt. They are very dangerous. They were physical and psychological hell- I finally got to the point where I would do anything to make the pain stop. It's these kinds of episodes I worry about the most, especially given my history.
I don't remember any depressive symptoms prior to my s/s attempt, but my judgement and awareness were severely impaired. I was diagnosed as straight-up manic in the hospital and psych ward though.

I do like cooking, but my husband chose ham this year. It's not going to be a challenge. I used to make a lot of Christmas cookies, but my Kitchenaid stand mixer is in my father's basement- well, hopefully it still is, and I don't have a hand mixer.

I'm not going to see any Christmas lights this year. I seldom go out, and when I do it's during the day. It makes me a little sad. Yesterday morning I was asking my husband to pull out the box of LEDs when I was talking in my sleep.

We ate dinner at 7pm last night. The ham came out good.

I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband since he's at his mother's today, but he started drinking at 2pm yesterday and passed out just after 8.

He left about 1pm today and said he'll "be back soon." I don't expect to see or hear from him until after 7. He'll be drinking, so he'll probably be passed out by 8 again tonight.

I didn't want to make a big deal about the holidays this year, as I need to avoid the stress, but I hoped for something more.

I'm in the middle of doing Christmas laundry now. How festive.

Kay,

It is o.k. that you had a low key (disappointing) Christmas.

You worked hard (and for a long time) to be o.k. at Christmas. You did better than o.k. Celebrate your victories.
Congratulate yourself with some hugs and high fives.


====
Re anxiety mixed with either depression or mania:
There was a 4 year period in which my medications were very wrong, but I did not know at the time how to explain what was going on and pdocs were
less alert to it than they are now.
I was probably mixed those whole 4 years and I do not know how I managed to still be around when the meds got fixed except with sheer force of will, a lot of luck, and some good will from the gods.

=====

Keep taking care of yourself.:heartthrob:

M

Thank you Mari :hug:

I am proud of myself for all the "work" I did this year... it was a struggle. I'm a lot more resilient than I thought.

My husband's also angry about what I'll call my "missing years." He was telling me for years I was on the wrong meds and he's angry I didn't listen, but I was just taking what the pdocs prescribed. He believes I had more control over the situation than I did.
He made a comment last night about me not being the same person- in a good way. He said it may seem to me like I'm the same person, but I'm not because I'm off all the drugs they had me on before. I know he's right.

I was very upset last night because I called my sister and aunt yesterday and left voice mails, but neither one of them called me back. They didn't even send "Merry Christmas" texts. Not hearing back from them left me feeling rejected and alone.
I texted my sister this morning to ask if my nephews liked their presents. She texted me back that they did, said "Merry Christmas," and sent me a cute pic of the two boys together. Better late than never I guess.

I was sad most of the day, but my husband came home around 7pm and I felt much better. He stayed up past 11 with me watching Christmas movies. All I needed for Christmas was him :)

I've been engaging in catastrophic thinking for the last couple of days, so I'm clearly dealing with high anxiety. I've been taking advantage of the 3mg of klonopin I'm allowed daily (she doesn't care how I take it) and it's paying off. I can now say with confidence, that the extra 50mg of seroquel took care of the hypomania :) Thank God.

your husband loves you so much. that is so great!!!and thensome. I wonder if he does any analysis about his drinking...maybe too much to ask for.
bobby

My husband knows he's an alcoholic, but doesn't care. He has no desire to quit or cut back. I won't harp on him because it will not help, and only make him angry.

He only analyzes his drinking in terms of excuses... not being able to sleep even though he hasn't tried laying down... being stressed out, etc. He seldom admits to having a hangover.

He has a lot of anxiety and I think he uses alcohol to calm it and forget his troubles.

He won't go to a tdoc or pdoc. He went once after I was diagnosed with MS, but he barely lasted 2 months. I wouldn't approve of him taking a benzo because of how much he drinks. When I was drinking heavily I'd never take my klonopin.

I was so skinny for so long, it's good I gained the weight back, but now I'm getting too heavy. I'd like to be about 10lbs lighter. I think it's the seroquel because I started gaining weight pretty quickly since I started taking it. BF said weight gain is a side effect.

I bought a pair of size 10 jeans online because I only have one pair of jeans that fit. They're too small. I'll have to lose weight before I can wear them.

I'm going to get on my exercise bike again... I'm going to tape packing material to the seat so I don't get a bedsore again though. I don't need to deal with another one of those.

when i was much older i asked my father who stopped drinking in his sixties why he drank. he gave me an honest answer. he said it made him feel good. I think you are right. it has to come from him. My mother used to nag him and it just made things worse like starting another fight. Maybe when your husband feels less stress he will cut back.
bobby

apples are slowly working to help me loss all the weight i put on in the past few months. they lessen my appetite and give me something sweet or tart to eat.
I don't know about you but i eat out of anxiety. right now i want some chinese food but i won't. good luck!
bobby

Hi, Kay,

I am concerned about the catastrophic thinking.
But happy to hear that you are taking Klononpin.


Your husband sounds sweet -- with his past concern about your meds.
Does he feel more comfortable with the ones you are on now?

M

The catastrophic thinking is just a product of my anxiety. I guess it's quite common. Klonopin takes care of it. I'm taking 1 1/2- 2mg in the am right now.
The intrusive thoughts are more significant, but they come less often since the 50mg increase in seroquel.

My husband is much more comfortable with the meds I'm on now, but he's not always very sweet about it... my being better now reminds him of how I was before, and it often makes him angry. He's sure I could have gotten better sooner. Even though he's happy I'm better, it remains a sore subject.


I saw pdoc today. She was very happy about the turn quick fix for the hypomania. However, I'm still on alert. I don't have to see her for another month. If I become symptomatic again, I will just up the gabapentin and call her to let her know I did so. I will go in sooner if that doesn't work.

Diet isn't really playing a role in my weight gain (it never played a role in my weight loss either). I'm on a high dose of seroquel and it's hard to keep/take any weight off since I'm so sedentary.
I'm about the same weight as I was when my husband and I met, but I had a lot of muscle. I don't have any muscle anymore.