Kay,
That is good news about the pdoc visit yesterday.

Keep doing what is working for you with regard to the meds and whatever you
do during your day to help.

M

It was 70 degrees on Christmas Eve, but it was in the 20's overnight and it snowed. It's sleeting now. About 2" stuck to the ground and 4" stuck to our car. My husband has a work vehicle so he has to leave our car here. I cleaned it off this morning and will have to move it to a clean spot in the parking lot whenever the plow comes. I'm nervous because I haven't been behind the wheel in a year.


Adding to all the stress I've been dealing with over the last couple of months, I've been keeping a couple of health problems to myself...

I have a history of ovarian cysts. I can tell when I have them, but have only had them imaged a couple of times. I had one checked out last month because it was especially painful. The ultrasound report said it was "atypical." Because of my history, I may just have endometriosis. But the treatment for it is a change of birth control or hormone treatment... not ideal when you're bipolar, definitely not in my case. I talked to pdoc about it briefly. She's not exactly thrilled. The cyst could also be something more nefarious. I have a follow up ultrasound Jan. 4th, and I have to see my GYN no matter what the results are.

I had an abnormal pap smear in my early 20s (I'm 35) but was only having them every 3yrs because they kept coming back normal. I had one in October and it came back with high grade precancerous cells. So did the biopsy. My GYN says my husband still carries the HPV virus and because I smoke and I'm older it's harder to clear it. I have to have follow-up testing in March. No sex, no tampons until then... UGH. It's a long time to wait, but my GYN wants to make sure the test results are correct before I have to undergo a procedure.

Just 2 more reasons why my anxiety has been higher. But I think I've been doing a pretty good job of distracting myself from these worries for a while, but since the follow-up ultrasound is coming up soon, they're coming back into the foreground again...
I was hoping that the ultrasound would show that the cyst is gone, but I can still feel it. I just don't want to have to have it removed.

They're worries, they add to my anxiety, but not playing a role in my intrusive thoughts. But they play into the catastrophic thinking, but not all of it though.

The plow came and cleared the parking lot yesterday. They didn't start clearing spots until today because we continued to get snow, sleet, and freezing rain yesterday. I moved the car today without any trouble. Despite a 1yr hiatus from driving at least I can still navigate a parking lot.

Rocky was really sick last night. He was throwing up and having a lot of diarrhea. I felt so bad. :(
I decided not to put food out last night. If being adorable doesn't work, cats will give you dirty looks and misbehave when they don't get their way. How would you like a 26lb cat thumping on your chest like you're a CPR dummy half the night trying to get you out of bed to feed him?

As soon as I put the food down this morning Rocky started scarfing it down, and then he started throwing up everywhere. :( I usually leave the food out so they can nibble on it all day, but I decided to take it away. He's already looking for it. They all had an opportunity to eat. Rocky needs to rest his stomach again. And I need a rest from cleaning up after him.

I shouldn't have written about the medical stuff yesterday. I wish I could take that back. I guess some things you should keep to yourself.

I am so sorry to hear about rocky. do you think you might take him to the vet or has this happened before?
give rocky a kiss from me
bobby

My husband called me into the bedroom last night because he heard one of the cats making a weird noise... Rocky was chewing on the tape that was holding the padding I put on the exercise bike seat. I don't know how he got to it because none of the tape was loose. I think he's attracted to the smell of the glue because he has a thing for tape... I can't leave packages out. I pulled it off and threw it in the trash, but one of the devils pulled it out of the garbage last night.

I think he probably swallowed some of the tape sometime yesterday and it needs to pass through his system. I'd be worried if he wasn't going to the bathroom or if he was acting sick (aside from the throwing up and the diarrhea).

dear kay,
it is good to catch up with what has been going on. feel free to ask a mod to delete a post if you prefer to not have your medical stuff posted. they are happy to do that.
We are able to delete posts up to 12 hours, i think...with out mod intervention.
I think all of us have deleted things before.
(((((HUGS)))))
Anniversary dates are hard and this one was a biggie.
Be kind to yourself.
maybe you can sit on a pillow on your bike?
sorry that rocky ate the tape...poor guy.
bizi

Kay,

I hope that your kitty is o.k.


M

Thank you Bizi :hug::hug::hug:

I did sit on a pillow when I used the exercise bike yesterday. It worked out okay because it's a recumbent bike. Buddy kept jumping on my lap, not realizing my lap was going to keep moving lol. He did it three times before he finally gave up.

Rocky finally stopped throwing up around noon. I put the food back down around 4:30 because I was tired of him harassing me and I felt guilty. He stopped throwing up so he must have passed the tape he swallowed. I'm so happy he feels better :) And I'm happy I don't have to clean up all that mess :)

The medical stuff's been out there long enough already. I figure the damage has already been done. And if I get bad news on a follow up the other ladies have the background info now and will understand why I'm freaking out.

I've been freezing indoors for a couple of months now. We keep the heat at 68-72 degrees. I wear a long-sleeved shirt and a sweat shirt, and keep a blanket on me up to my chest. When I went to the weekend driving class I had to wear my jacket inside and still froze...
My husband keeps giving me a hard time about it, so I googled cold-intolerance... I didn't realize it's a symptom of hypothyroidism, which I have. I'm wondering if my synthroid dose needs to be adjusted. I'll ask my PCP to check my thyroid levels since they haven't been run in a long time. He'll probably check a bunch of other **** too. It couldn't hurt with the other things going on (which I should update him on). I'm not in a rush though. It can wait.

Kay

Its nice to catch up on what is going on with you. Have a great New year.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

i am so glad that rocky is feeling okay now and you have less work to do lol
bobby

My husband stayed up until 12:30 this morning and we able to ring in the new year together for the first time in about 5yrs :)

that is so fantastic!
bobby

That is so sweet!

that is great!

My husband's been home for the long weekend. I'm happy because I've been able to spend a lot of time with him (he hasn't been passing out early), and it's been very pleasant time spent :):):)

that is so wonderful! what a way to start the new year.
bobby

That is lovely -- spending time with each other at home.

I have the follow-up ultrasound for my ovarian cyst today. I really hope it shrunk or dissolved. I got the results of the last u/s very quickly. My GYN's office is ridiculous, so instead of calling me they sent me the radiologist's report by mail with no explanation of the results but there was a notation to schedule the u/s and follow up with the GYN after.

This isn't end of the world stuff… just another thing to deal with. My anxiety level is pretty low right now. I think it's because of all of the pleasant alone time with my husband over the long weekend. :)

I'm a huge Pat's fan and I watched them embarrass themselves again yesterday. I can only guess that they were trying to run the ball instead of letting Brady throw it more to protect him and other key offensive players for the playoffs. They couldn't move the ball down the field, but they never deviated from their plan. So they lost, Brady hurt his ankle anyway, and they lost home field advantage in the playoffs. They were playing a lousy team and they looked like a bunch of ****ing rookies. It was a hard game to watch. They won't last in the playoffs this year.

I was surprised that my husband let me watch the Broncos vs. Chargers game, too. Watching a second game is a rare treat. He was in a good mood all weekend :)

I'm a huge Red Sox fan, too (my husband hates baseball). I went a couple of years watching every game- live or DVR. But the games run so late I had to give up baseball in favor of a regular schedule. I think I watched 2 games this year. I miss it, but it's for the greater good.

i am so glad you had a great weekend. sorry about the patriots. i am fascinated by tom brady. I hope he will be all right. glad i forgot to watch the game.
bobby

Oh kay I am glad that your hubby was in a good mood. Any reason for it?:)
bizi

I'm a huge Colts fan, I loved their game yesterday. I think playing knowing
the odds were against them getting in the playoffs made them even
better. My son's special olympic team had won 10 tickets to the game.

It was so nice to see so many of the kids that love the colts get to go.

Derrick didn't mind not being in the group he isn't much of a ball game watcher.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I have no idea why my husband was in a such good mood this weekend Bizi. I wish I did so I could replicate the circumstances ;) He was in a pretty bad mood when he got home from work yesterday. He was here for 5min before I had to pop a klonopin.

Donna, it was good to see the Colts finish on a high note. It's nice that the team has extended coach Pagano's contract- the players love him. Because of how the team finished (8-8), the word was he was on his way out (along with a lot of other coaches in the NFL).

A student did my ultrasound yesterday… she couldn't find my right ovary lol. So the instructor came in to finish it…
I asked about the size of the cyst on my right ovary and it did shrink!!! :):):) I have one developing on my left ovary, but it's not funky. The instructor asked me if I have endometriosis and if I have a lot of pain, but I didn't ask why. Maybe something was easier to see this time around because I wasn't constipated like last time. I wasn't going to get into it with her in any depth because she's not a doctor and I don't need anything else to worry about right now. My GYN already thinks I have endometriosis and I'll discuss it with her. I was just concerned about the size of that cyst. I'm relieved. One less thing to worry about :)

It's funny but almost immediately, my attention turned to the substance abuse evaluation I'm having on Monday. It just hit me that it's at 3pm. While it's convenient because my husband won't have to take a full day off, it's absolutely the worst time of day for me because of the MS. How off I am is like a crap shoot. Increasing my coffee intake will help, but I won't be at my best, and I won't be able to take any klonopin. I'm going to have to explain to them that it's nap time (really nap time + anxiety time).

Because I won't be at my best, I'm trying to prepare myself. I've started putting pieces together in my head because I know they're not just going to ask me about recent events. I want to minimize things without being too evasive and it helps to get things straight beforehand. I'll probably write out a timeline (for personal use of course).

I have a letter from pdoc to bring to my appointment. Tdoc said she would write me one as well. She said she would send it to me, but it hasn't arrived yet. I'm going to call her today in hopes she can get it to me by Saturday. I want them to know I discuss my drinking in therapy. They already know I'm bipolar, but those letters should at least help off-set any extra sessions mandated because I suffer from a mental illness.

I'm impressed by how well I compartmentalized… I only worried about the cyst, and as soon as that worry was over, I moved onto the evaluation.

I'm going to try not to make a big deal out of this. A big build up is just going to sabotage me for the appointment because I can't take any klonopin. I'm trying to view this as a conversation with an acquaintance- someone you can talk to easily, but don't want to reveal too many personal details to.

I am not even going to think about the results of the appointment… just a conversation with a friend for now, right?

sounds like a good plan....why couldn't you take an extra klonipin before you go?
bizi

Kay

I'm glad your cyst on the ovary has shrunk. A few years ago I had
both my ovaries removed because of a cyst.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Hi, Kay,

Right. Keep the timeline in your purse or, better, at home.:):):)


M

Donna, I'm so sorry you had to have your ovaries removed :hug: I was a little worried about that myself. I've had a lot of cysts in the past and will keep getting them. I had one burst and it was very painful, but otherwise they really haven't been much trouble.

Bizi, around 2pm everyday the "MS Wall" hits me. I get extremely fatigued and my cognitive problems get worse. I can either take a nap or try to fight it off with a couple more cups of coffee (I drink up to 6 cups of coffee a day). Taking 1/2mg of klonopin in the afternoon is like taking 2mg unless my anxiety is really sky-high. Even if I needed the klonopin and took it, they would probably think I was on drugs, and I can't go to a substance abuse evaluation like that. If I'm having a particularly bad day they might think I'm on drugs anyway. I'm going to try to at least lay down before the appointment.
You know how doctors have those 24hr cancellation policies? When I was driving, all my doctors understood that it wasn't safe for me to drive if I was having a bad day. If I couldn't make it to an appointment, they would waive the fee. It's not an issue right now since I've been taking cabs.

I spoke to tdoc yesterday about the letter. She started to ask me about what she should write then stopped me. I think that she's going to say something to the effect of I should be seeing a therapist for my bipolar disorder instead of going to alcohol abuse counseling… but that's not going to be helpful...
All the state of NH is concerned about is my alcoholism and likelihood to reoffend re: drunk driving. They'll require me to see a counselor who is certified to work specifically with clients who have been convicted of drunk driving. How many appointments depends on what transpires at the eval.
She said she would write the letter and call me today and read it to me so we could discuss changes. All I need her to write is that we discuss my drinking in therapy, what her impressions about my commitment to stop are, and that I am proactive in my mental healthcare- period.

I spoke to my tdoc. The letter she initially wrote made it sound like my treatment for bipolar disorder would be competing with substance abuse counseling… not a good thing...

The rewrite was perfect...

In it she says we discuss my alcohol problems and the repercussions of it in therapy and she fully believes that I am committed to my sobriety.

I should have the letter by Friday.

You can't ask for a better endorsement than that :):):)

Kay

It was totally my decision. The ovaries would only in my case cause pregnancy, which I was already done with. I also had my gallbladder out too at same time.
Took forever to get that part done. I chose both ovaries because pregnancy wasn't something for me any more. I was probably between 48 and 50.

I then had breast cancer later. So its been interesting. The menapause
it credited wasn't a problem.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

oh kay, am glad that your tdoc wrote the perfect letter(with help).
good going!
bizi

KAY,

Having that step of getting the letter is a relief.

M

I should have gotten the letter from tdoc yesterday, but didn't. I'm worried I never updated my address from last year. I should have confirmed my address… If it doesn't come today, I'm going to call the office tomorrow to see if there's a copy in my chart. If there isn't I'm ****ed. If there is, I'll have to take a cab over there to pick the letter up prior to the evaluation. Round trip this will cost me about $40 and it will be a pain in the ***. It will add stress on a day I don't need it. Nothing is easy.

I went to the doctor Thursday...

I like my scale a lot better than his. I am the heaviest I have ever been at 156.8lb. I've never weighed more than 152 on any scale and that's when I had a lot of muscle. My PCP was pretty shocked by the weight gain (over 20lb in about 4mo), but my BMI is still good. I don't care. I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now.

He ran labs, including thyroid levels, but I haven't heard anything yet which isn't unusual. It could just be the seroquel causing the weight gain, but it also can cause hypothyroidism, which I already have. I don't know.

He said he was worried about how much seroquel I'm on. He repeated it a couple of times. I agree with him.

I'm on 750mg right now (100am/650pm). The max is 800.
I went up to 700 because of intrusive thoughts and violent imagery caused by anxiety. I went up another 50mg because I started exhibiting sx of hypomania…
My anxiety level is pretty low right now and I'm stable. I'm going to try reducing my daytime dose by 50mg. I won't go any lower than that without talking to pdoc, but I'd like to get rid of the daytime dose altogether.

It's a new year, so my insurance benefits reset and I'm not in the Medicare donut hole anymore. No more clipping coupons to get prescriptions for me for a while. As an added benefit, I'll be filling almost every script (5) at the same time today so that means less trips to the pharmacy in the future. Unfortunately it also means a big chunk of change all at once... I've never filled some of these scripts through insurance before so I have no idea how much they'll cost.

I'm glad the surgery was done on your own terms. It was convenient that they could get your gallbladder out at the same time, too.
I'm not going to have children so I wouldn't worry about that part of removing an ovary if the subject came up, but I'm only 35 so hormone replacement would be an issue.

They're still unsure of the culprits behind most cancers. I'm sorry you had to go through that Donna :hug::hug::hug:

The letter from tdoc did arrive yesterday! :):):) No problems to deal with there!

My GYN just sent me the radiologist report from my ultrasound again. I don't know why they do that. They should call. The right sided cyst shrank by almost half its size as expected :) I don't have to see her until March when I have a repeat PAP.

My husband was in a foul mood yesterday. He didn't take me to the pharmacy. He'll have to take me there today and we'll also have to get the food shopping over with as well. He'll be in a bad mood again.

I watched the Texans vs. the Chiefs game last night. It was pretty one-sided, but entertaining because of all the turnovers. I wanted to watch the Steelers vs. the Bengals, but my husband had too much football for one day and put on a movie. After he went to bed, I put the game on, but was too tired to watch more than a half an hour of it. The two teams absolutely hate each other. At least I got to see a big scuffle on the field before I hit the sack.

I'm looking forward to the Pats game on Saturday. I hope they get their **** together because they haven't been looking much like a play-off team lately.

I am glad you got your letter kay!
Have a good sunday.
bizi:hug:

My husband was in a terrible mood all weekend. I guess he was making up for the good mood he was in last weekend.

I got to watch a good deal of football and enjoyed that, but the rest of my weekend was absolute crap…
I couldn't say a word that didn't provoke my husband in some way. He kept claiming I said things I didn't, and said I didn't say things I did. Stupid ****. To avoid conflict I kept saying it was "miscommunication," but I know damn well I was in the right. He blames things on my cognitive problems and can be very condescending. There is no point arguing issues with him. He's super-stubborn and can never admit to being wrong.
We haven't been food shopping since last Thursday because he kept putting it off. We were supposed to go on Saturday, but he made plans with his mother. On Saturday we agreed to go Sunday. Yesterday he drove right by the supermarket and refused to go claiming we never discussed it. I won't get out of the eval until 4:30 today and I know he won't want to go afterwards.

I picked up 6 scripts yesterday and it only cost me around $55 (it helps that everything is generic). I am so glad I can use my insurance again! Using coupons was saving me mucho dinero when I was in the donut hole, but I would have still been paying about 4X as much.

The substance abuse evaluation is today. I'm getting pretty anxious about it now (before 8am) and it's not until 3pm. I'm also worried because I woke up at 6am and some extra sleep could have helped. I think I will need some klonopin. I'm hoping to be in good enough shape to take 1/2mg around 11am. It's long-acting so it should help a little.
I'm going to do a little more work on my time line. Being more prepared will probably relax me a little.

Good luck with the evaluation.

It is good to hear that you are a football fan.
I have not watched it in years but I remember being able to get out
of my own head when I watched.


M

Kay, am so sorry that your hubby can be so difficult.
I feel badly for you for this.
Happy that you were able to watch some foot ball.:)

maybe you could take a nap after lunch before your meeting?
((((HUGS)))))
here with you.
bizi

I haven't got a call about my lab results yet, but I signed up for the physician's portal and was able to view my lab results online. My thyroid levels are off. 5 other lab results are borderline. I expect a phone call.

How are you doing?
bizi

I'm concerned that so many of those lab results were off, especially because of the rapid weight gain and the fact that I've been so tired lately (but I can't judge that well because of the MS). At the very least, the labs should be redrawn sometime in the near future. I'm going to call my PCP's office when it opens and communicate those concerns.

I was honest when it came to the substance abuse evaluation. Fortunately for me, the evaluator also has MS so she understood why I was not at my best. I told her why I quit drinking so she knows I have a very good reason to stay sober, she knows I have been since July 20th, and she has the letters from pdoc and tdoc, but I don't think that matters. Because of NH law, I think they have to base the majority of their treatment plan on the answers you provide to the standardized questions they ask. She asked a lot less questions than I thought. I had a hard time answering some questions because my drinking patterns were never consistent. There were periods in my life where I was cycling, but didn't have problems with drinking. Based on my answers to medical and mental health questions I don't expect a good outcome, but I live with an alcoholic and that alone ****s me over. I don't even remember how that slipped out.

Anyway, it's over with.

I have to make an appointment for about 2 weeks from now to get my "treatment plan." In the meantime, I have to find a counselor in my area (hopefully in my city) who is accepting new clients and can accommodate my unknown treatment plan. I guess my case manager will help me with that. At the next appointment I'll hand over the first monthly payment of $60 for them to monitor me via phone, and $350 for the honor of getting my counseling in my home state. I guess I'll find out how much the actual counseling is when I start looking for a provider. My pocketbook hurts.

A woman from the main office called my evaluator while I was in the office. I caught bits and pieces of the call. Apparently they talked about me in a meeting. They said the situation was confusing. I can only imagine it's because I tested negative for a substance abuse problem initially, then later admitted I was an alcoholic. They're unsure of how to handle it in some way. I still worry that there will be repercussions with the court.

Oh well.