I'm sure there are a lot of different room sprays out there. I know that there are candles that are marketed as "calming."

For some reason it took me somewhere around 4hrs to write my original post this morning. It required a lot of editing, and I have no idea where all that time went. I wanted to get some things done today, but I'm really off. No idea why.

Sorry to hear about that, Kay.

Some days, writing a post can take up a lot of my time.


M

I understand that.
The counselors overstep/ over reach I believe.

Somethings they are not qualified or experienced to deal with.

Also, I wish she could take your word for it.

---
I guess you will continue be as patient and focused as you have been through this process.
Each step and each session and each question answered gets your closer to
your goal. Good luck.

M

Her job is to make sure I'm not going to be a threat to reoffend. She has to identify what a client's problems are and address them. She's decided I have a problem asking for help and she's just going to keep shoving fixes for that down my throat. I'm sure she's used to a lot of BS because she deals with addicts all the time, so she's not about to take my word for it when I say I always ask for help for psych symptoms and will in the future. So we go over that point incessantly.

I get it, but I don't need help with everything.

I think she might be purposely irritating me at times to gauge my reactions, and might be asking the same questions looking for consistency. I know that I remain calm, but I get frustrated and I defend my positions, so I don't know if I'm coming off as argumentative or not. She remains pleasant, but I think I frustrate her at times, too.

I'm not worried about consistency, and she still plans on just three more sessions, so I can't be too badly behaved lol.

yeah!
half way there!:You-Rock:

Thank you :)

The three weeks I've been doing this have gone by pretty quickly. I hope the next three weeks do, too. But I'll be tested because I'll be contending with two appointments a week for the next 2 weeks, which I hate.

I'm trying hard not to think too much about the process after I complete the counseling because it's going to be very stressful. I do want to get my license back as soon as possible, and I know I'm going to start getting impatient the closer I get, but I'm going to have to take things slow to keep my stress level down…

I feel uneasy about the counseling sessions though, and I have a nagging feeling that something else is going to go wrong to put my license out of reach again. The last time I felt this way, I ended up getting stuck with these counseling sessions. I hope that this is just catastrophic thinking on my part.

The sandalwood candle isn't calming :(

He's had a couple of good temper tantrums…

I even had a little one of my own when the pizza place we ordered from sent me the wrong sub and I got someone unresponsive on the phone when I called about it.

(((((HUGS))))
frustrating when things don't work out right. maybe some other person got your sub instead/???
bizi

Yikes.

'Sorry to hear about that. :hug::hug::hug:

M

I wasn't that bothered by the fact that they made a mistake by sending me the wrong sub. It was the phone call that ****** me off. I was exaggerating a little when I said I had a temper tantrum.


I think that the amantadine is working. I'm seeing a few more good days :)
I'm enjoying more good hours on those days… I'm still hitting the wall, but it's been happening later in the afternoon so I haven't been taking naps. The result is I get really overtired and I fall apart by early evening. I'd like to try taking it twice a day (that's how it's usually prescribed) to avoid that. I'm considering calling my neurologist and asking him if he'll change the prescription.
When I say I'm having better days I'm not talking about earth-shattering change, and it's okay that I'm not seeing results every day (at least not yet), but anything that enhances my quality of life is welcome. It think it has improved my mood, with the exception of when I get overtired.

Kay

I somewhat think your therapist has just picked a subject to see how you
react. If you act like having a drink would be a good idea type thing. And
I'm guessing the MS is the easiest thing to bring up, for asking for help.

I think you might take a list in of the times you have asked for help in this
next week. Even if its just for help on issues you are dealing with and
you post the irritant on here. And people respond.

That is help also.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I am glad that it has improved your mood!
yeah!
bizi

I hope you're right and she's just picking away at the MS because it's the most obvious target. I do have a couple of examples of things I asked my husband to do for me over the weekend. They're minor… the kind of help I usually need and ask for. I hope those examples satisfy her.

You're right, I should just try to hold my tongue and post my frustration here, but she makes it kinda hard. She's seen me in action, so I don't know if a major change in direction is a good idea, but I think I can manage an adjustment or two.

The funny thing is she doesn't doubt my ability to maintain sobriety as long as my bipolar disorder is stable.


I called my neurologist's office and he granted my request to start taking the amantadine twice a day. I forgot to ask when I should take the second dose though. I take my meds at 8. I should have been keeping track of when I've been starting to hit the wall. I don't want to take it too close to bedtime because it can interfere with sleep, so I'm going to try taking it at 2 today. I can play with that though.
It seems to be helping in the morning and early afternoon, which are my better hours, but I always go downhill after that. Taking the second dose will really give me a good idea of what this med can do… :)

oh kay I am really hoping for you.
This has a good chance for you to have better days.
Awesome!
bizi

Kay

I don't think you need to change how you approach her. When it comes
to the examples of how you asked your husband to help you.

Also maybe explain how right now, you work out the taxi's so they are
good times for your MS too. Such as my morning hours are my best.
So if I need to run errands, all in a area. I schedule the taxi at a time
that is my best time period.
Also maybe even that unless you have a doctor's appointment, you just
can't schedule other than middle of afternoon, you don't schedule them
during this time. Because the down time is better for you. And you
don't schedule more than one or two a week in that period. Even if
it means a extra week for a doctor. Use her sessions right now
as a example.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Kay,

Your posts make the case for how much people with MI (or any chronic condition really) have to work to get good care.

You have remarkable patience, people skills, and consistency --- what with
your patiently plugging away to take care of this so that things can be
set straight again.


M

I saw my regular tdoc yesterday. It was good to see her. She wasn't exactly in agreement with all of my counselor's opinions or approach either.

Here's what I got out of my session:

Learning how to be proactive in my mental health care and to advocate for myself there is fairly new and has been a trial by fire. It hasn't been tested over a long period of time, so I can understand her concerns about that.
But the comparison between that and my MS isn't equal. I've had years to adapt to living with MS and learning my limitations. I've shaped my life in a way that I don't need much help. As a result I've become pretty independent.
I can't help but feel dejected when she repeatedly addresses both points because it feels like she's dismissing all the hard work I've done in both departments. As a result, I get defensive.


I have let the counselor know that I'm at my best in the early hours of the day, that's when I'm most active, and it's usually when I schedule all my appointments. Today's appointment with her is at 2pm (I have no idea what shape I'll be in). Our usual time is 1. I take what's offered.


I had a good morning on Tuesday, and took the second dose of amantadine for the first time. I got through the hours when I'm usually compelled to lay down for a nap without issue, but I hit the wall hard around 6pm… too late to take a nap and way too early to go to bed.
Unfortunately, it didn't do a thing for me at any point yesterday. I ended up getting messy because I skipped my nap because my husband wanted to eat dinner early and I was afraid I wouldn't wake up on time.
My main problem is the afternoon and evening hours. I think improving upon the severity of that problem is probably going to be asking too much of 50mg, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. I see the neurologist on the 21st. In the meantime, I'll just keep documenting my progress.

We ordered Chinese food last night. I gave each of the cats a piece of pork from the fried rice. Rocky wouldn't eat his (and he'll eat anything) … we should have the cats test our food before we eat it from now on… It was bad. It was a new place- first/only time.

I am glad that you saw your tdoc and that it was a good visit.
Maybe she would be available via email or even a quick phone call for some more support or just a quick check in if possible.
maybe email would be best????
bizi

Tdoc's actually going away for a few weeks because her daughter is having a baby. I have an appointment with her in a month. She's recommended someone if I need to be seen while she's away.

She communicates with pdoc and has called me when she's heard I was in crisis in the past. She's offered the same kind of telephone support if I need it, but I would only take her up on that offer if I was in crisis again. I don't feel like I'm in need of in-depth therapy at the moment since I'm stable, but I do call for earlier appointments when I need to.

After today I still have (hopefully only) 2 more sessions with my substance abuse counselor to look forward to…

It's about 9:30am now and it's safe to say that the amantadine has decided it's not going to do jack for me today. That spells bad news for my 2pm appointment with her. I'm on my fourth cup of coffee, but I'm feeling so ****** that I'm actually entertaining the thought of taking a nap now (I got up at about 6am) so I won't be totally out of it at 2. I don't want her to see me too messy. I don't know what to do…

my vote is to go for the nap!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Two more appts!
 

Kay,

I hope that Thursday's went well.

Consider setting up a phone appointment with your tdoc. A month seems a long time.You're not in crisis,
but hearing her voice during a 20 mins phone call will help you, esp after you complete the last two sessions. I always have felt better about my tdoc (any doc really . . when I have a date scheduled.)
You can cancel when the date gets close and you feel o.k. without her.
Does her daughter have a due date?

I LOL'ed at the cats not liking the Chinese food.
I generally dislike it but I brought into my life because it was convenient for me to order for hubby until he went low carb/high fat. Also my old friend likes it.

M

Sorry ladies, but I'm totally anti- extra therapy except under special circumstances. I know I should be going more often, but it's a small miracle I go at all.

I did take a nap before my appointment yesterday. I really needed it. I felt better for a couple of hours afterwards. I feel much better this morning.

My counselor was very pleased with my revelations about the differences between my history of dealing with MS vs. my history of dealing with bipolar disorder properly and her role in the counseling process. She said I was doing very well, and I was able to vent my frustration in a healthy way. As a result, I feel a lot better.

I got really upset yesterday because my counselor told me that after 4 weeks, drunk.org still hadn't sent her my file and she needs it in order for us to complete the final paperwork for the state of NH together. Apparently, my counselor has to address any separate concerns raised by the drunk.org counselor during the substance abuse evaluation. We have 2 sessions left, and that is the time needed to finish the final paperwork.

Drunk.org doesn't have a good track record, having left me hanging for over a month after the driving class before hitting me with the substance abuse evaluation and ensuing counseling. So, I was obviously worried about delays and decided to be more aggressive in my handling of this situation. Yesterday's call to my case manager went unanswered. Realizing she'll be out of the office today, I called back hoping to get help from someone else and found out that they sent my file out on Wednesday. Crisis averted :)

I took issue with some things written in the copy of the evaluation drunk.org gave me, and I let my case manager there and my counselor know that. My counselor said that she has had problems with them in the past and doesn't want me to worry too much about it. She isn't surprised that they had a hard time understanding the dual-diagnosis.

The last four weeks seem to have gone by rather quickly. I hope I don't get ants in my pants so the final two weeks will go by fast, too.
Unfortunately, once my counselor has finished up on her end, I will have to wait for drunk.org to "complete (my) file" and file the necessary paperwork with the court and DMV. God only knows what I'm going to have to go through to make sure they do that, how long it will take them to do it, or what will come up in the meantime.

From there, I request a letter from the NH DMV to take to the MA DMV so I can get insurance, then provide proof of it to the NH DMV, who will then send me a clearance letter I can take to the MA DMV to get my license back. Sounds like fun, right?

Kay

So glad to read all this. Sounds like your biggest problem will be and
has been the paperwork. But you stay on top of that so well. I think
they know its fruitless for them to just keep you hanging.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

To be honest Donna, I think they're just inept. I think I'm going to have to inundate them with phone calls to keep them on track.

Thank you for your report about yesterdays meeting.
It sounds like she is really better understanding your health situation.
Happy about that.
As far as the DMV is concerned...hang in there be persistent, some how be patient in this process.... come vent here any time you need!
bizi

I have no doubt that my counselor will let me know when she sends drunk.org what they need from her.

I will call them to confirm they have it and ask 1) what they need to do to in order to complete my file and 2) when I can expect them to complete it. I will make my next call based on that response, and then I will call every 2-3 days after if I need to.

I know that's obnoxious behavior, but I made the mistake of trying to be polite and giving drunk.org periods of a week between phone calls to get things done after the driving class, and I ended up getting strung along for over a month. They demonstrated their lack of urgency and followthrough again by failing to send my file to my counselor in a timely manner despite her phone calls. I have no intention of letting them slack off again.

Good ideas Kay.

Drown them with kindness, while calling and that will really get to them.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

That's the plan :) I'm going to be super friendly, and try to act like we're working on a project together and I'm just checking in. I'll be the squeaky wheel, but I'm going to feel incredibly guilty calling so often so I'm going to have to push myself to do it.
Hopefully they sent my file to the right address and it did get to my counselor lol. I'm looking forward to finishing the sessions up in less than two weeks. The time really has gone by quickly.

My cough has gotten a little better since taking the mucinex dm- thank you Mari and Bizi. There isn't a warning on the package that it may cause drowsiness, so I guess that the amantadine didn't do a great job this weekend.

In addition to the counseling appointment Thursday, I also have a GYN appointment Wednesday. The GYN's going to want to discuss switching my birth control due to my recurring ovarian cysts, as I mentioned on Bizi's thread. I also have to have a repeat PAP smear to follow up on tests I had done months ago that came back as possible high grade pre-cervical cancer, but she thinks they may be false positives. I'm hoping she's right. I scheduled this appointment 4 months ago and put all this in the back of my mind. I guess I'm not really freaking out about it because I haven't let myself think about it in so long, but I am nervous.

I'm going to walk over to the apartment leasing office today. They're requiring all vehicles to have stickers on them now so I want to pick those up and I want to give them a copy of our renter's insurance policy renewal. The weather's going to be pretty nice… in the 50s. It's going to be a pretty long walk for me, but it's a good excuse to get out.

There's one ***** over there that's not fan of me, and the feeling is mutual. I've called twice because every week, for the last 4 weeks, one of the residents in the building has left a bag of trash in a common area between Sunday afternoon and Monday morning. Maintenance picked up the first bag after I called on week 1 but trash sat there for 2 weeks after I called on week 3. Someone else must have called to complain because someone actually came and took the remaining 3 bags away yesterday.
I don't know if I can resist bringing the subject up. I'm really ****** off that they ignored my last call and let those trash bags sit there for a week. I've decided I'm not going to call about it again. If I can't be calm and polite, I'm definitely going to keep my mouth shut.
Who would think it was okay to just leave their trash in a common area? What kind of person would do something like that? The dumpster's not a long walk from our building… how lazy do you have to be?
My objection to it is that we don't exactly pay cheap rent for where we live and I don't want to walk down the hall, have to smell someone else's trash, and feel like I'm living in a tenement building. Policy regarding trash removal is also written into the lease.

Sorry for the trash rant. It just bothers me.

I really ****** up….

At 10:30 it occurd to me I may have forgotten to take my pills, so I checked the pill cae and the Tuesday spot was still full so I took them. I was in shower about a half an hour ago and started to feel rally ****** up and remembered the pills I had just taken had come from the blue side… nighttime pills. The yellow side was also empty.

750mg seroquel last night, another 800 this morning… max dose 800mg/day. I took my nighttime pills by accident one before, but not the am pills, too.

I feel really ****** up like I need to sleep imediately. I called pdoc, but she's out of the office. I asked the receptionist to ask one of the RNs if I should good to the hospital. I told her it was very important. 20 minutes ago, no word. I may just sleep it off like last time…

Kay, :Heart:

That stinks.
I suppose that you are sleeping.
(So much work to take care of our selves)

Maybe the pdoc called you and reassured you.


Give us an update.

M

oh kay, am so sorry.
you are working to take good care of yourself...we are human.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I felt a lot worse than last time… maybe it's because I took all of the am pills too. I waited 45 minutes for someone in pdoc's office to call back, and then I called poison control. They told me to go to the ER and I went by cab.

They took blood and urine and pretty much just monitored me. Because of my history I had to convince the ER doc it wasn't intentional. Since they were just watching me I asked if I could go home once my labs came back fine, and they said let me. I was there for about 4 1/2 hrs.

Both poison control and the ER doc made it a point to say that they'd never heard of anyone on such a high dose of seroquel and the ER doc commented on all the other meds I take. I'm acutely aware of just how much **** I have to take everyday. Comments like that just make me feel crazy. I wish I was only on 100mg of seroquel… if I screwed up a 100mg dose I wouldn't have felt as crummy as I did or have had to go to the hospital.

Anyway, I went to bed early last night and I feel okay this morning. Fortunately the ER doc believed my OD was accidental so I'm sitting at the computer with Buddy in my lap while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, instead of waking up in a psych ward with a nicotine patch and a cup of cafeteria decaf (cat-less).

Kay,

You caught my attention with the nicotine patch! And no cafeeine?
Is that what they do now to people in the wards -- take away their ciggies! Yikes. That makes the "time" less bearable!

When I was in at a point in the 90s the folks got smoking breaks.


--
Anyway, I am really glad that you got out of there and spent the night in your own bed. And have your cats with you.

M

Oh kay, am sorry that happened. glad you are ok. and yes very happy they believed you.. glad that you have your sweet kitty to love and that he/she is a lap kitty.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
just to let you know, I believe poison control people will call you today to check up on you to make sure you are ok.

I woke up feeling okay, but I got caught up in the seroquel hangover yesterday and I felt off for the rest of the day. Everything felt surreal and I was dragging ***.

I don't think poison control will call me back. When I called there was a ton of noise in the background (people having fun) and I could barely hear the girl. I don't remember if she took my info or not and she was a little rude.

I really don't remember much about my first time in the psych ward because I was so far gone… I lost about two weeks, but I can't imagine I was a happy camper without my cigarettes. When I went in for 11 days at the end of July for agitated mania it was brutal not having my butts because my psychomotor agitation was so bad I had been smoking 3-4 packs a day. They put 2 patches on me! I had nothing to do with my hands, so I kept playing with my chapstick. And I had to be on decaf at first to "reduce stimulation."

I spoke to my counselor yesterday. I guess one of the things drunk.org wants me to do is to show I've attended AA or another alcohol support group meeting, and I have to do it before I can complete the counseling and "treaty". Finding out 24 hours beforehand is less than convenient. There were meetings at 12 and 2pm yesterday but I had a GYN appointment at 1pm. There are appointments at the same time today, but my appointment with the counselor is from 11-12pm. Hopefully I can go to the 2pm meeting today and have the person running it sign off for me and I can get it to her afterwards… I can't see her objecting to that… Although mailing it to her rather than hand delivering it would save me $30. Going to the 12pm meeting tomorrow would be even better… I've had a lot of excitement lately.

My GYN was very understanding about not changing my birth control despite the cysts because of my bp. She really got my "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," mentality and didn't push me an inch. If anything suspicious turns up on the PAP this time, I'm going to forgo further testing and just have the abnormal tissue removed outpatient, but she said everything looks good to her. I should have my results within a week. I'm still not going to freak out. I'm getting it taken care of early. My mother ignored the issue so it progressed to cervical cancer, and she had to have a hysterectomy.

After my appointment, I had the cab drop me off at the leasing office and I walked back to my apartment. I am so deconditioned! I was doing a good job of taking care of my body in the fall, but I guess I just gave up on that. I need to start getting on the exercise bike more often (even if it hurts), and I need to get out of this apartment more. I guess I'll make a weekly round trip to the leasing office to put money on the laundry card a goal. I'm about 15lbs heavier than I want to be, but this isn't about weight. My gait is off and I have like zero endurance. It's so bad I may have to go back to pool therapy PT… we'll see what I can do on my own.

This has been one hello of a year for you. please don't beat yourself up over any of it. Have you ever been to AA meetings before?
I would suggest you go to SMART recovery. They have meetings on line that count just like AA meetings but not any religious over tones. But they were having computer problems yesterday, I will check today.
bizi
I just checked, the site is still down unfortunately....

http://www.smartrecovery.org/community/#.VuF3k-aws_g

Thank you Bizi :hug:

I have been to AA meetings before. I went to 2 a day once they let me out of isolation the last time I was in the hospital, and I went to a couple in the past. I've had a pretty good experience on the whole, but I've been to two really bad meetings. I don't have a problem with AA, but I have a problem with the people who really live and breathe it, and shove it down everyone else's throat.

My counselor said I didn't have to rush to show her proof I attended an AA meeting- I could bring the note to our final appointment next Thursday. But the cab came quickly, we got an early start, and finished up in time for me to go directly a noon AA meeting at a nearby church.
There were about 20 people there and they were very nice. They were mostly elderly people, mostly men, but some women too. There were two obvious holy-rollers in the group, and one sat right next to me. He told me I wasn't seven months sober, I was "only sober today," and spewed a bunch of twisted AA and religious BS at me. I could have smacked him.

I wasn't given a form to have the leader of the meeting sign. I took a slip of paper and wrote that I attended the name of the aa meeting at "X church in X city" on march 10th from 12-1pm and the guy signed his name below. It was illegible, so I asked his wife to print it below the signature for me. I'm going to call and ask my counselor if that's enough. I don't want to find out that it's not acceptable at the last appointment.

Compared to my stories and those of the people in the psych ward, the stories I heard yesterday were very vanilla. I'd love to have coffee with those nice people again, but I could never speak there. My cab driver (who"s been driving me around for a year now) was happy I chose not to go to the AA meeting at the shelter because he was concerned for my safety, but I honestly think that I would feel much more comfortable discussing my alcoholism there. My counselor suggested I find a dual-diagnosis group. I have the meeting list for my area. I haven't gone through the whole book, but I haven't found one that's obvious.

I'm very isolated. It would be nice to meet new people, especially sober people. So, I can see myself going to more AA meetings once I get my license back, but it's important to find a meeting that's the right fit. Fortunately there are quite a few meetings in my area to choose from. I'm not looking to get heavily involved in AA though. That's just not for me.

While looking for dual diagnosis AA meetings online, I found an organization called Dual Recovery Anonymous (DRA). It's based on AA, but there's obviously an emphasis on managing psychiatric illnesses too. There are meetings four days a week in my city. I am definitely interested in going.

that is awesome kay!
bizi