I was only referring to the study about OCD. I know that glycine is a good supplement for other purposes. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

BF you are going through so much right now :hug::hug::hug:

Sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference between OCD thoughts and panic/anxiety, too... especially with my intrusive thoughts. These things will roll around in my mind and I often have a hard time letting go, too. OCD and general anxiety (and accompanying panic attacks) can be hard to sort out at times because they are so closely related :hug::hug::hug:

You may be having a harder time sorting things out right now because you haven't found a trusted friend to really vent to yet and you are dealing with fresh wounds.

It's clear that you are really struggling right now, despite your meds. Has your pdoc talked at all about adding to the Luvox, or is she just talking about replacing it? Is there a time frame where you will be getting some help to control some of your symptoms?

You are in my thoughts BF :hug::hug::hug: I wish I could give you a real hug.

Kay

Hey Kay. My NP asked me to think about possibly changing the Luvox to a different medication for OCD in the future. I've thought about it, and I think that it's a good idea.

I've had periods of time where I was tormented with these thoughts for 6 months, or more. I never have known why that happens, and I guess that the Scientists don't know either.

Every since I've been medicated with several meds at a time, I haven't experienced the 6 to 9 month periods of fear, and depression complicated with OCD.

I also have a case manager, councilor, and a NP backed by a psychiatrist. This team of people are helping me to stay above water. I don't know how I managed to get through school with these problems. The problems were taking shape, forming,and getting worse. I dropped out of my second year in college. This is when we didn't tell anyone what we were going through mentally.

When in High School, and after, I drank alcohol for the first 10 years when I could get it. I just didn't know what else to do.

I remember that I had a bad Spring years ago, and my dad made a comment that these problems usually happen in the Fall with people in your condition. This was years ago. I've been through so many head trips after people have given their opinions about my challenges. They have(((NO CLUE)))how wrong they can be. (((NO CLUE!!!))) They make it sound like it's my fault. There's nothing enjoyable about this. Where did they get the nickname "Funny Farm", and, "Cuckoo's nest"? There has never been anything funny about these subjects to me. Sorry for the vent. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I can't imagine the days for you friend....
I am sorry that you struggle so.I thought that I would have gotten some comments from my posting the video saying that I am bipolar....
It is disappointing.
bizi

A specific type of thought I have is very bad. It's the only OCD-related thing that didn't totally go away when I was hypo/manic. The seroquel and a benzo help them come less often. But my OCD as a whole is worse now that the hypomania is gone. I know these types of thoughts can be tormenting. :hug::hug::hug:

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought and reflection behind your decision to change your med. And it sounds like it will be a good change for you. I'm glad that you have a team to help you. You need that support right now BF :hug:

I dropped out of college twice before I finally got my act together. I finished all my prerequisites, and was in my second semester of nursing school when MS became disabling. I'm so impressed that you were able to finish school in the face of all those obstacles. I can't imagine how hard that was for you. It's a sign of true resilience. :hug:

I drank very little after my s/s attempt in Dec. and haven't had a drink since July20th. I was a social binge drinker, and ended up as an alcoholic. I always had problems with anxiety and, of course, alcohol loosens you up. My bp, OCD, and anxiety are all worse since I stopped drinking but I won't drink again. I know you were able to stop drinking years ago. And that takes a lot of strength, especially if you're facing MH problems, too :hug:

I think that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have been through so much, but you have been able to fight through it. I know you're still fighting, but you've just made a decision to change meds and get yourself some new ammunition :)

:hug::hug::hug:

Kay

p.s.
I hate when people use the little information they absorb about bipolar disorder to try to educate me, tell me what I should do, or tell me what my real problems are. Despite my husband's claims to the contrary, his understanding of bp remains poor, and he thinks that I have control over things that I do not. I don't argue with him and I eat up his criticism. Sometimes I wonder why I tried so hard to get better. I'm tired of the stupid things that people say to me about my mh in general. As a result, I keep a lot to myself. And there are family members that I have cut off from ANY information on the subject.

What video are you referring to Bizi?

My husband and I had a fight last night, and it's not going to be an easy one to shake off...

He harbors a lot of anger from the time we were separated. I know he won't forget it, and he won't forgive me. He's entitled to his anger. I own my mistakes. He does not. And I'm not allowed to remind him of them. I have to sit there like a punching bag. If I speak, I can't say "I."

He's angry about the years I spent misdiagnosed and snowed on Lithium (so am I). He said I would have gotten better if I had just listened to him?! Nothing I can say can sway him. He thinks I was living like that solely by choice. Getting better is ammunition now, I guess.

His opinion of me seems only to be shaped be every mistake I've made over the last 11yrs...
I've been home for 9mo and working hard trying to get better. Last night he said, "It doesn't matter what you do. You're still you."

So what the (expletive) was I fighting for?
I cried. I can't remember the last time I cried. It's a very, very rare occurrance.

This is the start of a long weekend. He's going to pretend this fight never happened. I don't think I have it in me to do that. I wish I had somewhere to go and hide.

I am so sorry. you already have enough to carry.
bobby

Yes. Bizi. What film are you talking about,and where is it? BF:hug::hug::hug:

I'm sorry Kay that you have been going through abuse on top of everything else. That makes things much worse. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Kay,

That really stinks. 'Sorry that you have to deal with that from him.

Years ago here and on another bipolar board people with bipolar would argue
when someone with bipolar was convicted of a crime or did something similar.
. . .So even within the bipolar community, there was confusion about how responsible one is during an episode.
It is weird. It is like an updated version of witch trials.



I keep a lot to myself at home.
He helps with the pill minder but I do not teach him the names of the drugs
and it is better that way. He checks that every day is the same as the others
by color, shape, number. . . .

More details than that confuse him . . .. has too much anxiety of his own anyway.

M

The video, short and sweet I posted was on facebook.

Kay, I am so sorry that you had that fight....
It must be scarey living like that.
You are doing beautifully in keeping Alcohol free during these tough times.
He drinks too much right?
Crying is good/cathartic.
I cried the other day when I explained some interesting things that happened, with a counselor client of mine.
I guess she felt safe for me and it felt good to release those emotions.
hugs to you today
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

So glad I didn't miss the video too. I haven't seen it on your facebook.

But will have to look.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Even though my drinking binges were triggered hypomania, I accept full responsibility. I'd tell myself I was stopping off for one, but history told me I'd be closing the bar every time. It was my choice to take that first drink. I knew what would happen, but the selfishness of alcoholism and hypomania made me disregard my husband's feelings. I got a DUI. I plead guilty. It was my decision to d/d.
But he takes every negative and multiplies it. In his mind, I was out every night for years on end, but this is FAR from the truth.

My husband has a firmly held belief that a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed and is still intensely angry that I was unable to keep a regular sleep schedule. Trazodone, Ambien, Melatonin, and low-dose Amatriptaline didn't work for me. I spent many nights awake, fell asleep on the couch, or slept late into the day. He was angry that I waited to run errands or do housework late. It went on for several years. I don't know how much of this was snow, depression, or lack of discipline. But he often lost his temper.
Since being d/c from the hospital in January I've taken great pains to maintain a regular sleep cycle. It was easy when I first got out, but when I wasn't medicated well when I was hypo/manic, I would try to lay in bed and pretend to sleep to appease him, but I would have to get up if I couldn't sit still... I'd get back into bed before his alarm went off. If he got up to pee and caught me out of bed I'd hear about it. He can't understand that you just can't sleep when you're like that.
Sleep is not a problem since I've started taking the 600mg dose of Serqouel, though. I'm on a regular schedule. Rather than giving me credit for working on and succeeding at something that is so important to him, he has berated me for the dysfunctional years. He's now imposed a 10pm bedtime for me.

He kicked me out after I went out drinking 2 nights in a row. He blames me for what I did to him.. leaving him... he suffered when I left. My actions did lead to his decision, but it was not my decision to leave. He kicked me out, and not peacefully. He doesn't see the distinction.
He thinks that I was having a grand old time when I left. Maybe I was. I was drunk for 4mo. According to hospital records, I was manic and psychotic when I attempted s/s. He doesn't want to hear why I did it, says he doesn't care. Perhaps it's for the best. You don't want to leave even part of that on anyone's doorstep.

I still struggle with the guilt and shame of my s/s attempt. I was very sick, but I was so calm and calculated. I planned it for days beforehand and I was sober. Maybe it's different for everyone, but for me, it was nothing like it's portrayed in movies. With that much executive function intact, I don't know if I can give mania 100% of the credit.

---

My husband decided not to brush the fight under the rug when he came home from work on Friday- surprising.
I told him it was time for him to start recognizing all of me and to view our marriage as a whole... His temper was leading him to paint a black picture of everything... It was eating away at me and I was tired of it. And it was eating away at him, too.

He said he constantly thinks of these things, but thought that I was walking around thinking that our separation never happened. I assured him that wasn't the case, and asked him how he expected me to behave since we were trying to start over. He said he had never considered that, apologized, and said that he would try to work on his temper. He was true to his word this weekend.

Sorry for the book,

Kay

thank you so much for sharing
bobby

Wow kay.
That is something else.
I am glad that you talked and it sounds like he listened.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Kay, :hug::hug::hug:

it does not have to be that high a percentage.

Even if it is 10 or 20% mania, it is enough to through someone off / over the top.


I glad that he apologized. I hope he works on his temper.

Mari

...Love never fails. He should give you some slack because of what you are going through. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Alcohol can add an extra nudge, and I don't need anymore momentum.

I have to give myself credit for being able to stop drinking during the last episode, since drinking is my MO when I'm hypo and I live with a severe alcoholic. I'm surprised that it's been so easy thus far.

Being sober gave me an element of CONTROL I wouldn't have had otherwise. I was struggling so much sober, I have no doubt I wouldn't be here if I kept drinking.

Aside from the obvious reasons I've decided to get sober, it will help my marriage because my husband won't have to worry about me going out drinking all night. He doesn't care if I drink, as long as I do it at home. He doesn't get it.

I went to the store Monday and the lady checking me out kept staring at the scar on my neck in between scanning items (I had 4-5 things). She was making a strange face, I can't describe it. She saw me catch her a few times and she averted her eyes. She wouldn't look at my face.

It really bothered me. I can't stop thinking about it. Usually people aren't that blatant. I mentioned it to my husband. He said, "Who cares?" Obviously I do.

I am sorry that happened to you. anyways she couldn't know what caused it and it is over with. Is she important in your life? I guess the answer is no so I would try to forget it.
bobby

Screw her.....
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Yeah, that grocery store would be a disturbing moment.
Actually, it was probably more about something in her own life.

When that happens go somewhere in your mind to a Thích Nhất Hạnh moment.

--
I frequent a tiny grocery store where the staff know me enough to recognize me and leave me alone.

M

I've been going to the same pharmacy for 10yrs. I went there to fill a script the 1st time I went out after my s/s attempt. The pharmacist took me aside and said, "Kathryn, are you okay? Are you getting all the help you need?" She knew exactly what the scar was from (it looks nothing like a surgical incision). She came from a good place, but I realized then I wasn't going to get away with anything.

I've run into a couple of people I know who hadn't heard what happened. I've heard, "What did you do to yourself?" a few times, and one person thought someone stabbed me in the neck.

I worried about going food shopping for a long time, but my neighborhood is "interesting." And my local supermarket is like a freak show. I'm probably one of the less interesting people there. It's also always extremely busy. So, people seldom notice until the checkout. No one's really rude when they stare and strangers never ask about it though, so I do alright now as long as I take Xanax/Klonopin.

The incident on Monday happened at a convenience store. I usually stay in the car, but I went in because my husband was buying my O'Doul's in addition to his beer. There was no one else in the store but that (expletive).

I'd say I can forget about it about 50% of the time when I go to familiar places now, but I'm 100% aware when I go off the beaten track.

I've always had a hearty (expletive) you attitude towards people like this before. Sometimes I do, just not in this department. I think all of this has to do more with my opinion of myself than anyone else's. I still have a lot of work to do in that department.

Good luck in your journey Kay.
I am glad that you are here.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Kay

I believe you are giving a very good learning experience just from what
the pharmacist said to you. Remember, there are many things that
cause different reactions.

I know when I was off my foot because of complex partial I always
got weird looks.

Donna :grouphug::hug:

i have a gait disorder d/t the MS and walk with a cane. Reactions to that usually don't bother me anymore.

:hug:Hey Kay. I worked in a Supermarket for around 14 years. I had friends, but there where trouble makers, and people who would disrupt the whole front end of the Supermarket when they were checking out. I would be aware of them. I'm glade that I had some friends. Those three groups were the people who I would remember.

The fellow workers were a problem before,or after they got fussed at. They were back stabbing:mf_argue: and gossiping about each other most of the time. The owner would come out and give her employees a hard time very often. I kept on the move, and did everything that I knew how to do.

All of that got on my nerves big time after 14 years of rushing around the store in fear of getting scolded for pacing my work over time. They wanted more from me.

It was a privately owned store, so there wasn't a national chain of command . At one time they owned around 5,or 6 stores. There were always someone causing trouble.

I don't think that they concentrate on you for any period of time, because all of these other things that are going on in the background in the internal affairs of the Supermarket.

Sometimes certain customers would take a particular interest in some of us working there.

The boss seemed very friendly to the customers.:Wave-Hello: Yo'all come back now ya hear!!! (((But))) it was:ranting::Bang-Head: in the back rooms.

I worked at another place that had trouble in the back rooms with bosses fussing,and angry co workers.

Anyway...I don't think that they are concentrating on you. Maybe for a few seconds. BF:hug::hug::hug:

The supermarket we go to is a chain, but it is run like a family business. Most of the checkers are teenagers, and they're slow.

One of the girls (she must be about 17) has the biggest crush on my husband lol. She blushes and gets a little giddy every time we go through her line, and she sizes me up but she doesn't act like she's noticed the scar... she's probably too focused on my handsome husband lol.

--------


On another note, I'm doing much better medicating my anxiety...

I'm doing okay with 1.5mg of Klonopin in the morning most days. I've been having more days when I need 1mg rather than a half in the afternoon. Part of that is I'm trying to medicate OCD. I still don't take anything in the evening/at night because of that high dose of seroquel. I'm still staying under my 3mg limit.

Years ago, before the BP dx, I was prescribed Adderral, Ritalin, and then Provigil to fight the MS fatigue and stay alert, but they all induced what I now know is hypomania so I switched over to coffee...
I'm drinking a lot of it. Pdoc knows it. I have at least 3 in the morning and reserve another for around 4 o'clock when my energy really starts to take a dive. I know it's not the best thing for anxiety, but it's a coping mechanism and it's helping a lot. When I went to the MD to have him check out my bum, my bp was around 110/60 after 3 cups so I'm safe there.

BTW Bizi, I was shocked that they sell Duoderms OTC now... When I was still working (8yrs ago) they were new and we had to be careful how we cut because they were SO expensive. I wish I new that, I could have taken care of that sore before it got to the point where I needed to go to the MD.

I know kay! they even make bandaides with duo derm or tegaderm which is a clear film.
bizi

I was shocked when my PCP told me I could pick up a Duoderm in the bandaid aisle. I could have slapped a piece on as soon as the skin started thinning out and saved myself a lot of trouble.
They're pretty darn expensive for bandaids now, but the way the floor managers behaved you would have thought they were made of gold back in the day.
I didn't know about the Tegaderms... also surprising.

Making these things OTC is good news for pts. It will save a lot of dough on visiting RNs and MD visits.

My husband and I went to that convenience store on Saturday. We go there because we're both smokers- it's over the state line and cigarettes are much cheaper. He thought I should go in. I thought about it. I thought about what I would say to that (expletive) if she was there and stared at my neck like that again, but I passed.

On Sunday we hit our regular convenience store because I was out of k-cups. A girl swore at me by the registers because she said she was in line... she was nowhere near the registers lol... and I had NO problem telling her where to go, but I didn't swear or raise my voice. She turned pink.
I stood up for myself. I enjoy seeing flashes of the old me. I made myself laugh.

I got permission (lol) to stay up passed midnight to watch the football game. It was a good game. I was quiet because my husband was in bed, so all 3 cats were on the couch with me. I can't tell you how much I LOVE that. The drawback of watching football is it really makes me want a beer. I got a few of those, "It's only one" thoughts but thankfully the,"that's BS," thoughts are a lot stronger. I'm tired this morning.

I don't know how, but I've lost over 4lbs in the last week and I've been eating a lot of crap. I hope I'm not headed for another slide. I feel well, and I'm stable. My PCP has never been able to figure out why I have problems keeping weight on.

This makes me smile! Do this more often!
bizi

Kay, :hug::hug::hug:

I appreciate the lovely picture of you and the cats watching football quietly.

'Weird about the weight. I could give you some of mine if it worked like that.

Mari

i hate to say this but one of my friends kept on losing weight and it turned out she had diabetes type one. I definitely hope this isn't the case.
bobby

I've decided to get my act together and finally get my license back...

I have to take a 20hr driving class. The plan was to take a class held on 3 consecutive Saturday mornings, but the next opening isn't until December and I don't want to relearn how to drive in the snow...

So I've decided to do something absolutely shocking to me and take a class that's held over a weekend and requires me to stay over 2 nights. Open classes are Oct. 30th and Nov.13th. But I want to go to the earlier one because I could be able to get my license back in November.

I know I'll be thrown together with strangers in close quarters long enough for them to notice my scar and ask about it. But I just need to suck it up and get this class over with, and I think the experience will be good for me. I can't continue to hide and avoid life.

Because it's an overnight thing, I'll have to have pdoc sign a med release. No big deal. They have to lock up the Klonopin, but they said they'd lock up the rest of my pills if I want them to- and I do- everyone there has been convicted of either d/d or being caught driving on drugs. I don't want someone taking a couple of 400mg Seroquel pills because they'll take anything... that would be a bad thing.

It's a bureaucratic pain between two states after that and our car insurance is going to go WAY up, but it's nothing short of what I deserve. But getting this done will be worth it because I've spent a couple grand on cabs in the last 9mo. getting to pdoc appointments alone.

I can't believe that I'm willing to do this overnight thing, yet I'm getting no sense that I'm going to change my mind. Strange. I imagine my anxiety is going to grow the closer I get to the class though.

Kay

I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!!!!
This is great news to read this morning.
Yes you deserve this. for sure!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Sounds like a good idea Kay.

I like the sooner better than later thought too.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

My PCP keeps running all types of labs, including fasting blood sugars and A1C. So, diabetes doesn't seem to be the culprit.

I have hypothyroidism, but the panels are normal every time on 50mcg of Synthroid.

All my blood work is normal, no matter what he tests me for, and he's pretty creative.

We decided that the weight loss is related to my mental health issues, but right now I'm more stable than I have been in about 10yrs. and I haven't done any exercising since the bed sore. And I can easily eat my husband under the table.

I usually only weight myself once a week, but I need to keep an eye on this. I weighed myself today at the same time I did yesterday and I lost another lb. If I go down to a total of 10lb I'll make another appt with my PCP. At this point, I'm still at a healthy weight.

Thank you for the encouragement, ladies :)