Your heart rate was high.
Were you more anxious than usual yesterday?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

lately it has been high

I am depressed. I ate a whole pie and threw out the other. I had a good session with my therapist. She mentioned going downtown and seeing an Indian wedding with a white horse all dressed up. She asked if I would be comfortable with a wheelchair. Later I spent about ten minutes talking about my explosion and its impact and why I just want to die if I have cancer because after the pain and experience of the hospital I can't take any more, /she heard me. then the rabbi came over for an hour. It was wonderful. H wanted to know all about me. He liked my ideas. He said in the Talmud there was a phrase something like suffering was a gift from God. I had mentioned that in reference that to my bipolar.

I'm so glad that your trip out with Marci, and your visits with the PT, your therapist and the Rabbi went so well :)

You are going through those books so quickly! They must be very good, and real page turners!

my sleep is awful. i have been getting about 2 1/2 hours a night instead of my usual four which is awful. i think about death a lot. what a mess

Even 4 hours is not enough, Bobby :hug::hug::hug:
Do you think anything is causing or contributing to your insomnia?

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now :hug::hug::hug:
Have you discussed your thoughts about death with your therapist or the Rabbi? If so, what have they had to say about it?

Sending you love and good thoughts (((HUGS)))

my therapist said to try to distract myself. My Rabbi said he is frightened of death because it is unknown. I am very lonely. Most of the time is spent by myself. I slept two solid hours when Marci was here on Tuesday. I wonder if her presence made me feel safe. Maybe I don't feel safe being alone so much. I need another therapist because this one disturbs me. I keep on thinking now of the white horse all dressed up she saw in the village. She is counterproductive for me because it makes me feel more isolated and trapped. She also asked how I would feel with a wheelchair. I found that so upsetting. I have to insulate myself without isolating myself. I am sort of sore from the p.t. so am afraid to meet stella for coffee a block and a half away. I feel sorry for myself which isn't good I know. I could always try to meet stella and take a cab if I can't walk the short distance coming back. I am so worried about money because I am still spending too much. I just ordered two pounds of candy so I am worried about my prediabetes and I ate that whole 9 inch cherry pie and threw out the other one and threw out a box of cookies. i am so worried about my weight

I am sure it is hard living alone. and you are very isolated.

I can't imagine m life with out jeff.
Dieting is hard, i forget Have you tried the weight watchers diet before? or maybe the south beach again.
I am very depressed about my weight but need to really buckle down and get serious about losing weight.
maybe we could start a new thread about weight management?
I would do this with you if you want to try.
bizi

I think i am manic right now so that is why I just bought two pounds of candy.
I no longer am on the south beach diet. it got boring. when I am like this I am uncontrollable.. I have to let it pass

this time i woke up at 1:30 and started reading

what are your night meds?
sounds like you could use something to help you sleep.
I did not realize you had only been getting 2-4 hours of sleep at night. This is totally not acceptable.
I would call today and request something to sleep.
I take .5mg klonipin, 5mg zyprexa, and prolonged released 3mg of melatonin.
And this combo gets me sleep.
Except for when I have hot flashes i stay asleep too.
bizi

we have tried different meds but nothing works. 1:30 was ridiculous -I am going to be tired all day. I take 2 mg of klonopin at night. the book was really good. i started another one by the same author

Bobby

I'm wondering have you tried turning on some music low when your
trying to sleep. Maybe just something soothing would help.

Maybe its more the quiet of the night, or maybe you need a light
on. Maybe you sleep during the day better.

I know I sometimes have trouble sleeping at night, but I happen
to know its when I've drank to much caffeine during that day.
But that is just me. And I can't stop thinking about things.
I just can't get to sleep in the first place.

So I stay tired all day, and then sleep usually the night after.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I have no trouble falling asleep which is usually 12:00. It is that I just wake up so early.

I would definitely call your Dr and let them know that you are not sleeping that well. There has to be something that they can do or prescribe to help. Sleep is very important, and you need more than what you are getting.:hug::hug::hug:

I have already talked to him about it numerous times

for me adding the 5mg of zyprexa really helped.
bizi

I never tried that. doesn't it cause weight gain?
Back in 2007, Lilly was required to add a strong warning label to Zyprexa indicating the drugs tendency to cause weight gain, high blood pressure, and other metabolic problems. ... These issues, weight gain and changes in metabolism, profoundly threaten long-term health.
i have high blood pressure

5mg is a small dose.

In larger doses it can cause weight gain for sure.
bizi

hey bobby,
where do you think your binges come from?
bizi

I thought they were part of being bipolar. I tell my psychiatrist. I am on topamax. that used to work. I used to smoke two packs a day. this past week I threw out a big pie and a box of cookies. I also ate a big pie and two boxes of cookies.

Hi,

Yes, certainly seems to be part of bipolar.

I've eaten a pie before.
It happens. I do not attach much meaning to it when I do that -- same as with other bipolar things.


It's part of how things go - this chaos in my head. I don't know.



M

As I get older my bipolar gets really clearer to me and I see how much it out of my control and how much I am controlled by my bipolar. It wasn't so obviously when I was younger and distracted by things. I don't know how I was able to accomplish what I accomplished.

I am just so angry anxious and exhausted. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow.
I have slept a lot today

glad that you slept today maybe you can sleep tonight too. and be well rested for your pdoc appointment.
I am sorry it s so hard.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I hope that the pdoc appointment goes well.



M

I'm sorry that you're feeling so isolated, Bobby (((((HUGS)))))

It isn't professional, normal, or IMHO ethical, for mental health/medical providers to share so much personal information for reasons such as why you have so many negative feelings about your therapist... it's like she's rubbing her happy life in your face- and that's NOT f- therapeutic. I think it's time for a change :hug::hug::hug:

I have been eating a TON of chocolate or ice cream every night for months. And I have my problems with binge buying streaks. Some of it is bipolar, but for me, a lot of it is OCD, too.

I wish that more could be done for your BP and insomnia, but your pdoc seems to take a very light touch with you as far as meds, and it's gotten worse since the stroke. It seems it isn't easy to convince him to change. I hope that your appointment goes well tho, and he makes some changes so you can get some relief :hug::hug::hug:

I hope you can start sleeping more/not getting up so early :hug::hug::hug:

I ate almost two pounds of mary janes yesterday. My psychiatrist is going to try me on xanax and says he hopes that helps that may help my sleeping too. He is going to do a trial first. I am having trouble with my drug store. He hasn't called the other drug store which is mail order. He agrees that I should get rid of the therapist and tell her why. I am very miserable.

I am glad that he gave you xanax Maybe you could just take it at night to see if it helps you sleep?
I am sorry that you are miserable.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

You have probably built up too much of a tolerance of Klonopin over time for it to be effective, so I'm glad that he is doing the trial of Xanax. I REALLY hope it helps with your sleep and anxiety.

I hope the pharmacy issues are resolved quickly.

I agree with your pdoc... when you dump your therapist you should tell her why. Maybe it will make you feel better to air out your feelings, and maybe she will learn something from hearing it, and won't make the same mistakes in the future.

Bobby

I also agree its good to tell her why, but I also know that you
are going to be anxious and worried when doing this. Just remember
to tell yourself that its best for you. That the other agency is
looking to see if they can find someone for you. (at least I think you
said they are)

Its what is best for you that matters remember this. I also honestly
wonder sometimes with what you say goes on. If this isn't what she
is after.

Now about the other things eating wise. Lets work on one worry
at a time. So right now its the therapist. When you've done this.
Lets worry about next.

I like his thought about trial of xanax too.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I don't know what she is after, I know she has at least two clients in their eighties who are very active so I wonder if she is very chatty with them. I told her it made me upset to hear how active they were in their eighties and how little I can do in my seventies. I thought I would ask her if I could get somebody else from her agency who was sensitive and talked less about themselves and tell her when I was a therapist I didn't talk about myself. Yes I am nervous. I am worried about eating all these sweets with my prediabetes.
I don't know if I should call the doctor about the trouble about getting the xanax. I already did it once.

I also need it for my anxiety for the daytime. He said no to zyprexa

I have been on a roller coaster and so stressed out and depressed. received a call from optumrx saying the prescription approved. called them to see the name of the prescription. they had no record for it. then called the doctor's office and donna said it was from my local pharmacy. called my local pharmacy and they said 37 dollars for 10 pills of xanax xl and insurance wouldn't cover it,
called my doctor and said I couldn't afford it.double checked with epic.at this point my depression became so severe having bad thoughts. then called the pharmacy to make sure they cancelled it. was told it was only 2 dollars and something. still severely depressed.reeling from too much stress

sounds abit like a run around...sorry it is so hard.
10 doesn't sound like much to work with over the weekend????
bizi

I didn't go downstairs to pick it up yet, will start tomorrow morning.

I think the xanax xr is working. I feel tired and a bit peaceful

I am glad that you think it is helping.
bizi
It is a quick acting benzo/tranquilizer so you will have peaks and valleys.
bizi

this is xr so I think I might not

oh that would be great bobby! let us know how it goes today.
:)
bizi