i wonder if the new medication is making me feel worse. I know I feel a lot worse because of Suri. I have been so angry. I think it started three months ago with stella whom I haven't heard from. I think I stopped liking her. She seemed to me to have turned into a monster with byron katie. she was acting the opposite of humble. Then lately Marci has been getting on my nerves. I really got furious when she called me lazy.
It is like my little world has shattered. I feel so alone.
the wine worked. I fell asleep and started worrying about finding a dentist because I was old and didn't know anybody. Then I woke up and realized I have a youngish dentist who will certainly outlive me.
I saw that robert finally picked the toys and bones for Danny. the building sends me an email. I still haven't gotten a confirmation about the wine I just ordered. I had called my credit card hasn't completed something.

If I am still angry in another week I will make another appointment with my doctor. I still need help.

I am sorry if you feel the medication is making you worse.I don't have anger rages....I don't know what that is like. Or do you keep it all bottled in?
I wish you could get a good therapist....they might really help you process your issues.
Sorry that you suffer.
((((((HUGS))))))
love bizi

I am trying to get a therapist who will come to the apartment. I can't afford more expensive cab fare. It would be great to have someone to vent to. I set myself up a lot and then store the anger. For instance I asked a couple of weeks ago if Cecilia wanted me to take her out for her birthday. She didn't reply! Last year she told me she was taking me out for my birthday and then didn't. That got me angry and I felt hurt also. So what do I do about her birthday now?
Should I forget it or ask her again? Now I have spoiled Marci. A lot of times I don't like the tone she uses on me. I am still storing my anger about her asking to give her some essential oil and putting it in a bottle. and then hinting that she wanted the stuffed dog I bought for Rober's dog. On that one I didn't even comment and I told her even though I have a lot of essentials now I use them a lot and broke down and bought her a bottle.She hinted at the MCT oil/ i hardly responded. I had just bought her two tunics and gave her two new ones I didn't like and one didn't fit. Now I probably will just give shoes to the good will and keep everything else.I don't want to start something else with Marci-we are the same size. I also get angry at myself. I always have had trouble asserting myself. I tend to be a listener. I was a very good child psychologist and could remember everything. Even now with Zeynep whom I hadn't seen for 24 years, I still remember everything she told me.
I am so angry at myself now for over spending and not having the motivation to start walking in the halls again and riding the bike and not pigging out. I am angry at my eyesight. Lately I have trouble seeing up close and I keep on losing my glasses to help me read.
I love my cats though-they are so wonderful and I woke up without a hangover. That is luck
love
bobby
right now i am not suffering.
i think i will email cecilia and ask er again if i can take her out for her birthday.

Bipolar II: Anger, Angst & Understanding

i walked the hall four times fast. I will try to do it every morning. abby is being very affectionate. i am not depressed yet. i am trying to make peace about suri.
i am beginning to hear noise from the marathon. they usually play music for the runners

good for you for walking in the halls! I hope you have a nice day bobby, really.
(((((((HUGS)))))
love bizi

will walk in 1/2 hour. will force myself. not quite depressed. have a phone class on the book of Ezra. The Rabbi is sort of boring.,Only cleaned up a little for Marci. I am still a bit jittery and am afraid to make more of a mess than trying to clean up. all i have to do is spill the cat litter when I am attempting to throw it out or rip the garbage bag when I am trying to throw that out.
I guess I am depressed. rats. I am complaining about a lot of things. I love the Patriots and now when it is on my tv it is in Spanish!
cecilia lives on my floor and she gets it in English. I turned the tv to mute but finally just turned it off. called customer service and they said they couldn't do anything,=. Gave them really bad reviews! let it be their nightmare. Gave good reviews to another company when they forgot to deliver an item. complained to an ebay seller .Frustrated with cecilia. Sent her an email again asking if I can take her out to birthday dinner. Maybe she is away. Maybe she was in an accident. Maybe just rude.
Frustrated by Robert. He didn't write and tell me if danny liked his toys and bones. have to inject myself today. took it out from the refrigerator and will wait an hour
bobby
cecilia is here. I heard her dogs bark when I just did my walk in the hall. Is it her or is it me?
did throw out the cat litter without an accident

Bobby

When it comes to Cecilia just wait and let it work itself out.

Or ask her in person. maybe she just doesn't answer emails.

i don't know about Robert, but he will answer when he can.
it sometimes takes him time. But he isn't one to not let you
know.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Glad that you were able to deal with the kitty litter!
one of my least favorite chores for sure.
(((((HUGS and love)))))
bizi

I had asked Cecilia in person first but she didn't respond. It was f#$king weird.
You are right. I have to be patient about Robert. I did write him more about Marcia because now he likes to come over for his dog when she is here. I had told him he couldn't come here today because Marcia is only working one day this week and she needs to clean. I don't think it ever crossed his mind that she is here to clean which I desperately need. She doesn't work hard. She even leaves out the cleaning stuff in the bathroom and living area. What housekeeper does that. If there are boxes to be taken downstairs she leaves them in my hall and brings them down the next day. I am going to have her do laundry today and what she does is stay downstairs for 1 1/2 hours usually and waits there rather than coming up in between and do some more cleaning.
I told him I have given her so many things and get upset when she hints for more. I told him that I told her I was afraid of running out of money. I told him that she even hinted for me giving the toy dog I was giving to Danny because it would look nice on her bed.
Ugh
Dorot called and asked if I want a pastoral visit and I said yes. The man is coming over on Friday at 3. I wonder if he is Jewish because it gets dark very early now so Shabbos comes quick.
I guess I had better inject myself now.
fondly
bobby

failure-the needle came out again.

a nurse is supposed to call me and see if a visiting nurse could come and give me the injections for free. I don't get much ss so if I have to go there it will cost for cab fare 60 dollars for twice a month. When Cecilia tried once she had terrible trouble. My anxiety is through the roof now. I won't ask Robert.
I feel so helpless.

Bobby

You should be able to get a visiting nurse to be able to come do the shot
for you. This shouldn't be a problem. I would just make sure they realize
that the reason you aren't able to go to the office, is that the cab fare cost so much and you can't afford it.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

hope you are right. just finished putting a LOT of shoes in bags to bring downstairs on Saturday. Probably will bring some some nice sweaters and tops too. will start on that tomorrow.
threw out the garbage without a mess and threw seltzer bottles.
heard for splashwine to say the wine was coming tomorrow. the guy was so nice and I said I was appreciative of the call back and I had already been a customer. they were supposed to a confirmation in an email when I bought the wine but they hadn't.
Still haven't heard about the visiting nurse. Still haven't heard a reply from Cecilia or Robert. I have never been known for my patience.
fondly
bobby

got a message saying to come in again to see how I am injecting myself. I think it is a waste because last time I did fine and in the office I did it. I left a message for her to call me back and to tell her I want to try again if they can't get me a nurse because I don't have much money and cab fare will be about 30 dollars.
I wound up enjoying the lecture on the Book of Ezra. I didn't know that Cyrus believed in God and was a good leader.

Bobby

Id just keep telling them that you can't come back in each time.
That you don't have the $60.00 a cab would cost twice a month.
So if the visiting nurse can't do it. You are going to need a different
answer.

Donna :grouphug::hug:

I spoke to her and told her my financial situation. I will try it myself again and if it doesn't work, then I said I wanted a double shot once a month. That is how it was left.
fondly
bobby

I forget what is the shot for?
maybe ask for a pill instead?
Sorry for all of the hassle....what a pain in the *****.
love bizi

it is for lowering cholesterol when you can't take statins. Praluent 150 MG/ML Subcutaneous Solution Pen-injector - Inject Every 2 Weeks
Had conflict with Marci today but I knew it would happen. I am going to give good will that will come to the building about 20 pairs of shoes. Marci saw the bags and told me she wanted to give them to her friends. I said I couldn't take anymore stress and good will is a good organization and I just will have to bring the bags downstairs. Then she said what stress. I told her my best friend is probably dying and I just had a nightmare using the injection. She knew about these.
She shut up but later made me fold the laundry.
love
bobby
I am going to give them some clothes which when she comes on Monday will notice. She definitely has has an authoritarianism streak in her

Praluent 150 MG/ML Subcutaneous Solution Pen-injector - Inject Every 2 Weeks

I can't believe what I just did. I wrote one of my oldest friends who just had knee surgery a few weeks ago. I was calling her to give support. One day I called and she was having p.t. and said she would call me right back afterwards. SHE DIDN'T-I told her I am trying to change so I wished her happy birthday and mentioned the incident and said I thought that was very rude. she should be more thoughtful. I signed it love bobby.
I am trying to get rid of my stored anger. I am beginning to swear at people making nuisance calls. It makes me feel good.

Bobby

That is something you can do without any being sorry for.
The nuisance calls aren't needed.

And I'm sorry Marci wanted to take the shoes and things for
her friends. Hmmmm, that might have been the time to
say something about just needing to find a different outlet
once in a while to get rid of things were the organizations at
least say thank you.

donna:hug::grouphug:

I am sorry but I don't understand. You might have left out some words. They are my things and I should be able to decide what to do with them. She would have just taken her time and have them hanging around my already cluttered apartment. She also told me she won't hand wash things that are supposed to be hand washed nor iron. Ugh. She expects a lot. No more.
fondly
bobby

I am so tired of being angry.
fondly
bobby

just heard from stella and she sent me a notice about a book on unicorns!
I responded by writing are you losing your mind love bobby
It felt good to write it. I might wind up having three friends left. oh well

I either miss understood what you were saying. Or wrote it wrong
your right. I wasn't talking about hanging anything.

I was talking about the shoes she wanted to take to her friends.
I thought she was just going to take them out the door then.

Sorry. Heehee, thats what happens when you sleep little in
the night.
Donna :hug::grouphug:

Dear Bobby,
Am sorry about your anger.
I still think you are unstable.
The geodon could help you.
((((((HUGS))))))
love bizi

the psychiatrist and I talked about geodon but then he wanted me to go on the antipsychotic I am taking now. I think it is working.Robert knew what I meant when I got so angry with Marci. Kathy is annoying. Right after my mother died she called up and started talking about how concerned she was about her friend who just lost his mother. I wound up getting so furious at the b@#tch. She wanted me to feel sorry for him. He wound up having a wife, children and was close to his siblings. I HAD NO ONE and had just lost mine. This time I went out of my way to be supportive when she had knee surgery. She loves to talk about herself and I would listen. Then when she didn't return my call after saying she would call me shortly back I went ballastic! It brought it all back.
It is fine that I am getting out my anger. Stella is a nitwit. I worked with children and I did a clinical internship and I was excellent and the she had the nerve to say she knew more than I did when she did a little babysitting. I don't need unicorns or whatever new age sh@t she is into. God is enough!
love
bobby

I also read up on geodon and a lot of people reported negative experiences. It is about time I am expressing my anger openly!
love
bobby

I think I finally ended my friendship with Stella. I told her she just needs God and because she hasn't developed her intelligence she was so easy to brain wash. She turns to the magical and supernatural with all its promises!
I wound up having a really nice afternoon listening to music, reading and petting the kitty cats.

I am glad that you wound up with a nice afternoon!
love bizi

zeynep called and we are going again to that Korean Restaurant next week. I think I shocked her because she offered to go to finnegan's right near me
love
bobby

Bobby

I think you just needed to start asserting yourself and getting the
anger out.

Way to go.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

thank you so much Donna. I really do have a problem asserting myself and thus create situations that really upset me. My father was very frightening especially when he was drunk or just raging so I think I learned at a a very young age to placate. Over the long run I don't think it works. I still have a few long term friends who don't get me angry. They are very kind people.
fondly
bobby

I just sent an apology to stella and wrote that she probably won't accept it. I told her that I have been having trouble with my anger and am on new meds.
I can't stand her believing in super powers and magic. They really trigger me when she tries to have me join her, I do believe she has brain washed herself.
I thought a while ago we agreed that she wouldn't discuss that stuff with me since it got me so angry but not like yesterday. I said exactly what I thought,
I was so relieved when Zeynep called and can easily deal with my mental illness. She even at one point complimented me big time.! She never really did that. I wrote Alice a email with pictures of danny playing with his toys and it was great hearing from her!
love
bobby
she accepted my apology

Anger in Judaism - Wikipedia


Our sages tell us that anger is a dangerous feeling. Anger can cause tremendous spiritual harm, as well as emotional, mental and physical harm. It leads to many sins, including the transgressions of hurting people with words, treating people aggressively, using foul language, and many others. Secondary anger is the most dangerous kind of all because, sitting as it does on an open wound, one is likely to lash out with the full force of the emotional pain that unleashes it. Words once spoken cannot be retracted. Who knows how many broken marriages are the result of hearts broken by reactionary verbal abuse?

In order to avoid the expression of reactionary anger, we must train ourselves to keep our mouths firmly shut whenever we feels pangs of hurt. G‑d offers a reward “brighter than the sun” to those who are able to master this skill. That reward will take place in the world to come, but there are also rewards that take place right here, in this world. With our mouths closed, our speaking apparatus cannot become an instrument of the evil inclination. We are saved from spiritual harm. Moreover, our most important relationships are saved from destruction. We are able to soothe ourselves, calm down and analyze the situation more quickly because we have not increased the chemistry of rage. We can begin to see the errors of our own ways, learning, growing and improving as a result. We are also able to think and figure out what steps need to be taken in order to rectify the situation. It’s all good!

In order to become a master of self-control, practice We are able to soothe ourselves keeping your mouth closed in minor, everyday incidents when you want to “answer back,” retort or have the last word. As you get better and better at this skill, you will find yourself ready to handle bigger challenges, until finally you will be able to keep your mouth closed in the very moment you are wounded, no matter how hurt you feel. And then you will fulfill the words of Proverbs: “Who is a strong person? One who has self-control!”

By Sarah Chana Radcliffe

difficult to do.
(((((HUGS)))))
love bizi

Bobby
I don't think there is any problem with you letting your anger out. Hopefully you can start getting more assertive with Stella. Even when you apologized to her. Just remember you need to let it out.

So try a different approach, and if the only thing that works is anger with
Stella, then start letting the anger out. Just make sure she knows its helping you.

I used to write a letter to someone, never send it. And just put it in a drawer or in a file on the computer. Telling them the anger I was feeling sometimes
not even they were the person I was angry at. Just got the anger out for
all things to the one person.

It usually worked.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I don't know why byron katie gets me so angry. a lot of people follow her and what she tells people to do gets me furious. She also neglects God. Stella is so hooked. Stella also follows people who she believes have supernatural powers and I think they are charlatans. Stella also thinks she is right. I don't know how to deal with her or why it gets me so furious.I just can't accept it. I do love her.
Kathy is a different story. She really gets on my nerves and has been doing so for 65 years. I don't know how to deal with anger and the guilt that follows.
fondly
bobby and bipolar makes it much worse.

i might try the keto diet. I am very friendly with a porter in my building who has come down from 480 to 230. He is aiming to go to 200. I was in the hall talking to him and I saw cecilia and just waved to her and kept on talking. She is also now on my anger list.He recommended super colon cleanse and it has been working. He suggested another one but I forgot the first part