I decided that I won't give Marci any money for xmas. I am afraid it will make me very angry and she seems to expect all the many things I have given her.
Some of the things I bought expressly for her. It all has really added up. She really got me angry when she told me to give the shoes to her friends.
I am trying a strategy now so I won't create situations for myself that make me angry.What good is the medication if I keep on creating situations. I can't let fear rule me. It also feels as if I am going against God to have these angry feelings.

Bobby

Instead of giving Marci money, give her an item of clothing or shoes.
I would wait till close to xmas and get it though. Keep up with the times
and just wait. I know how hard it is to not buy. Or even when you
buy the essential oils, you could work on giving her one of those for
a holiday. Set up a pattern give her one for a holiday. Remember
there is almost one holiday a month. You could make it were she
gets one thing a month from you. This way like the dogs, that you
buy toys for. She would also get something.

And even if its a stuffed toy at some point, heehee that is her one thing
that month. I'd not tell her at this time its what your doing. But work
on just that.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Donna I bought her essential oil after she asked for some of mine. I have bought her new clothes.I have given her used clothes. I have given her great shoes. I wind up giving her food. I have to stop. I am so worried about money. She makes 40k. Why can't I just tell her all the gifts I have given you are your xmas gift?
I got furious when she said she would not hand wash a couple of blouses and nor would she do ironing for the blouses. On her second day of the week she doesn't have much to do.
fondly
bobby
I have let her get away with murder.

actually maybe I should just not say anything and see what she does.

Bobby

I was only saying that instead of giving money you could just
give her some of the things she wants. If that is what you
wanted to do. If she has nothing to do the second day maybe
you should see if the agency would consider finding you a driver
for that second day to take you to your appointments on the days
you need someone. That way you wouldn't have to pay for the taxi
fee.

I don't know what else to suggest but I think that might be a good idea.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Don't you think I have given her more than enough? As you know I still have little control over my impulse spending and am eating into my savings and make little from social security.she has about 1 1/2 hours of work on tuesday. if she does the wash then it takes her longer. she usually just stays downstairs the whole time. I need to cab no matter where I go. right now my next appointment isn't until january I think. I get a volunteer at dorot to help me. The agency doesn't provide drivers.
I would still be spending money if I got her things she wanted. Don't you understand I am angry at the thought of spending more money on her.
she gets paid and does the minimum. Robert never takes money when he helps me and it is a pleasure to give his dog things. That he will accept and thank me profusively
and send me pictures of danny playing with them.
fondly
bobby
noww that she won't iron a little even though she has the time, she has gotten me more not wanting to give her more!

YES YOU HAVE GIVEN HER ENOUGH!!!!


I think that you give her stuff to justify your spending money on clothes and stuff. Controlling your spending is the issue. How can you stop yourself?
I think you could find other interests to take up your time. Could you make it more difficult to actually purchase items?
I am sorry this bipolar spending is hard to reel in. I feel for you
((((((HUGS and love))))))
bizi

thank yoo!
I was hoping the new antipsychotic would help with the spending, irritability, anger and overeating. Today I had a whole pumpkin pie and feel rotten. I am bidding on five more tops.I hope I am outbid. In two weeks if it doesn't stop I will make another appt with my doctor. I have to stop going to ebay.
love
bobby

Bobby,


I can that see that at one point you got a certain degree of pleasure giving Marci gifts, but now that this has stopped working for you, you can stop and feel good about your decisions.


=-=-

I figured out after a while that my cleaning lady was selling stuff I gave her. (she first was telling me that she was giving them to close needy friends.)

I don't care that much because I needed those items out of my house. Still, it showed layers of deceit that I only recently began to comprehend.

Do what makes satisfies you.


M

you are right. I couldn't wait to give her presents. I think it bothered me that she hardly ever said thank you. My spending only got out of hand I think three or four months ago. Then I started resenting her asking for things like food and stop working and spend a lot of time slowly eating or drinking.. Then I noticed she would sometimes ask about things which I think she also wanted.
She is only here 4 hours on Monday and four hours on Tuesday. Inside I went ballastic when she asked for some essential oil and told me I could pour a little in one of the empty bottles I bought. I wound up buying one for her. She didn't say thank you but told me it did help her sleep. I freaked when I saw she bought a tiny carton of orange juice for over two dollars. I never would have spent that much money on something so small. She always buys bottled water.
She really does take care of herself and I don't. She puts herself together lovely when she comes and goes with creams etc. It is weird but getting to know her I now think she is beautiful. she comes from Jamaica. She has a great sense of style and she is as fat as I am. She has definitely gotten more bossy and has been taken for granted my good will. Even though I am still angry I do love her.
Sorry about your woman, I hate deceit.

I spoke to Suri for over an hour this morning. I told her about Marci and she suggested calling the agency and asking if I could have her one day a week and another person later in the week. I think that is what is going to happen. The coordinator said that they can do a little hand washing. Now I have to wait to see Marci's reaction. I told the coordinator I loved Marci and thought she was wonderful.
I did really good today! I feel like crying. Suri has lost 7 pounds and she is so hungry but most food nauseates her. She has been trying the keto diet to try to bring her sugar down. cancer loves sugar. she doesn't know why her sugar is high.Her doctor this morning told her to exercise which will bring the sugar down and stop that diet.
We talked so much about her husband. She loves Star Trek and when she was little she adored Dr.Spoke. It turns out that is whom she married. Her husband is a genius who can do anything. He was a physics major and was told he could probably win a Nobel Prize if he continued. Instead he became a Rabbi. Unlike Suri he didn't start as being Orthodox. EMOTIONALLY HE IS DUMB. ie Spoke with no emotions.
She let off so much steam today. She sounded so much better.
Whenever possible I said something positive! I told her she would live a long life!

Bobby

I think you have a great plan, my thinking out loud is just that thinking
out loud. I will stop thinking out loud and try to listen better again.

Its cold here, brrrrrrrr. And I mean really cold to me, I'm ready for
nice weather, we didn't even get a fall just straight to winter type weather.
Donna :hug::grouphug:

did the doggy die? give your husband a big hug. What a wonderful long life.
I hope you have very warm clothes!
I am glad you understand now. I really need support. I am quite anxious about Marci's reaction but she was really getting me angry.I find it very confusing how you can love somebody and really think they are special but at the same time feel so used and angry.
fondly
bobby

just gained three more pounds and bought another top plus got one of the ones I was bidding on.
I think I will stop taking the antipsychotic since it isn't working and making me gain weight. I am just going to try will power. I can beat it!
I love coffee with half and half. You can't have half and half on the keto diet but you can have heavy cream. I think I will buy heavy cream.
I put jasmine on my pillow last night. It smelled so good and made me feel good.
Abby is being very affectionate. She loved the catnip I gave her.
this afternoon a pastoral counselor is coming over. I don't know what we will talk about.
I am definitely anxious about what Marci will say. This will be a mammoth shakeup in my life. I don't know if it is my bipolar or her authoritarian ways that have gone over the top. Two weeks ago when I had a phone class she disappeared for an hour. Like a jerk I didn't call her on it. I am not a masochist. I live in too much fear.

I think it is a bad idea to stop the medication. You don't know that is what caused the weight gain. Not sure how good your diet is at present.
Your weight fluctuates so much.
I think it will take time to stabilize on the medication and therapy to stop the spending.
Just my thoughts.
love you
bizi

this is the highest I have been in years and I am terrified The medicine is known for weight gain.. I am also prediabetic and with more weight gain I could easily become diabetic. The medicine seems to have no affect on me. I don't feel different. My anger, irritability,overspending and overeating are just as bad. Now I have even gotten rid of one friend. almost got rid of another friend. Now I might have blown it up with Marci.
I started drinking more tea instead of coffee with half and half. I really a, going to try the keto diet. Will start having mct oil once a day. will have lamb and eggs.if I am good will have brie cheese. No carbohydrates.
I left a message with the doctor that I discontinued the medication because of weight gain and symptoms still the same.
again decided not take the risperdal because of weight gain. I am too embarrassed to say how much I weight now.
love
bobby
my depression is okay and the essential oils seem to be working. I am just a fat pig

It is certainly possible for Fanapt to cause clinically significant weight gain, defined as a weight increase of at least 7% of your baseline bodyweight. In other words, if you gained 200 lbs, a clinically significant weight gain from Fanapt would be considered an increase to 214 lbs after you started taking the drug

Both Cats and Dogs can See Color. Myth: Cats and dogs can only see in black and white. The myth that cats and dogs are fully colorblind has been around for quite some time, despite the fact that it has been proven false for nearly half a century.

i had a wonderful visit with Sam, a pastor who is Jewish. at first there was no connection. i told him about being bipolar and how right now i am so angry.
He too experienced what I went through after my explosion when i was afraid of living and afraid of death.
he said he felt that way when he was a young child until he was 25. i was so shocked. then i felt so close to him. we also talked about suffering and anger.he said he would come next month

My doctor called me back and said to increase the dosage to 3 mg twice a day.
He insisted it didn't cause weight gain.I didn't quote the internet. I just took 3mg.

Bobby,


Good luck with the Fanapt.
I hope the possible weight side effects are minimal.


M

Bobby

Keep working on it. And keep trying to find some foods you like
to diet with. You can do this.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Yes, Nipper died yesterday. My husband will be good. Yes, we
Derrick and I gave him a big hug. So did Jake and Doby. They
insisted, :grouphug:

Bobby, I am glad that you had a nice visit with Pator Sam.
Very happy about that and then you connected. happy he will return next month.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

i woke up feeling so very alone and terrified. I think the extra dose affected me
and brought me way done. In reality I am so alone. Thank God I have you and my kitty cats. The pastor was very nice and I am looking forward to his next visit. He is the first person I have met who knows the terror of being in limbo and terrified of life and death.
love
bobby
i am too tired to feel angry

I feel much better. I took the other pill when I woke up before. . After 6 tries on the digital scale( I have trouble with balance) the three pounds disappeared. My diet officially starts today.
Now I have to decide what clothes to give to the good will.
love
bobby
(now instead of buying them I am throwing them out)

i just had the porter bring down six tall garbage bags of clothes and shoes. I don't think I am through but need a break Some weren't even unopened!
Marci called last night and left a message. I was asleep. wonder how she takes the news of only working one day a week for me. wonder if I should tell her when she calls or wait til her coordinator tells her or I see her face to face.
for the diet I had black coffee with mct oil. Maybe I don't need cream after all.

6 tall bags of clothes for the good will is a lot of clothes!!!!!! and work. I am sure you feel good about this.When does the good will come to get them?
Happy that Sam will be in your life.
I hope you have a good day.
never tried the mct oil that you used...how was it in your coffee? I have heard of putting butter in your coffee too.
love bizi

I just added another 6 bags and could have given more but I was too tired. I gave the porter 10 dollars. I like him so much. Practically every worker in this building is so kind. This morning they made one of the rooms into a donation center. Victor said they already had so much!
I don't like black coffee but putting this oil into it really made it okay. I also read that you can add ghee or butter along with the oil and make it really special.. I just bought Zulay High Powered Milk Frother Handheld Foam Maker for Lattes - Whisk Drink Mixer for Bulletproof Coffee, Mini Foamer for Cappuccino, Frappe, Matcha, Hot Chocolate by Milk Boss - Black
Love
bobby

I have been using jasmine essential oil a lot.
Top 12 uses for Jasmine Essential Oil
Top 12 uses for Jasmine Essential Oil
Medically Reviewed by Dr. BENGEBARA Omar
MD, ER Doctor & Surgery Resident – Reviewed & Approved on November 05, 2018
–Written by Marc Seward
WHAT IS JASMINE ESSENTIAL OIL?
Just the sweet aromatic fragrance of Jasmine essential oil can do a lot to lift our spirits; some people claim that it instills feelings of poetry and romance. The essential oil is extracted from several jasmine species.

Some species found include: Poet’s Jasmine or Jasmine grandiflorum, Spanish Jasmine and Arabian Jasmine (Jasminum Sambac). Jasminum Officinale or common jasmine is the species most commonly used in essential oils.

The oil is extracted from the plant’s white flowers which blossom during the night. Jasmine is a valued flower and in Pakistan it has been named the National flower while the Hindus in India regard jasmine as a holy flower. Jasmine essential oil is widely used for its fragrance in the perfume and cosmetic industries where it lends its scent to shampoos and soap.

In many parts of Asia, Jasmine is used as a floral garment and also hung in the car to make it smell fresh. Jasmine is certainly very well known for its scent but it also has a number of therapeutic uses. Traditionally jasmine has been used in certain Asian cultures to help with childbirth and labor problems and also to help with libido. Nowadays it is used for a number of therapeutic purposes which range from skin treatment to depression.


jasmine essential oil
JASMINE ESSENTIAL OIL—ABSOLUTE OR ENFLEURAGE
Like most flower-based essential oils—Jasmine is technically not an essential oil. It is not made via pressing or distillation. Jasmine essential oil is typically Jasmine absolute or enfleurage.

Jasmine absolute is made by soaking the flowers in an alcohol solvent.

Jasmine enfleurage is made by soaking the flowers in odorless plant or animal fats (oil). Alcohol is added to pull the essence from the fat. Then the fat is separated and the alcohol allowed to evaporate—leaving behind the absolute.

The details typically only matter to the company making the oil—the end product of either method can both be of a high quality. Be sure you know how the oil is made and what is the actual real amount of active ingredient vs. alcohol or carrier oils. If they don’t mention the extraction method and the plant species specifically it is a potential red flag.

JASMINE ESSENTIAL OIL COMPOSITION
A 2016 analysis of Jasminum grandiflorum found the presence mostly of the following (8):

Secoiridoids
Terpenoids
Flavonoids
Tannins
JASMINE ESSENTIAL OIL PROPERTIES
The therapeutic abilities of Jasmine essential oil owe much to its medicinal properties which include the following:

Antidepressant
Antiseptic
Antispasmodic
Cicatrisant
Expectorant
Emmenagogue
Sedative
Uterine
Antibacterial
JASMINE ESSENTIAL OIL BENEFITS
Jasmine essential oil is especially well known for its powerful sedative properties which can help ease many of the issues related to the mind but aside from its mental health benefits, it can be used to help with a variety of other physical complaints.


Infographic for the uses for Jasmine Essential Oil
1. FOR ANXIETY AND STRESS
If you are feeling sad or blue, then jasmine essential oil might be just the essential oil to lift your spirits. Because of its wonderful aroma, jasmine essential oil is known to have an uplifting effect on the mind. It is used by people in times of sadness or grief and is even said to be able to fight depression by promoting the release of certain hormones such as serotonin.

Not only does it help to raise the spirits but it can often help combat the effects of anxiety and stress. Inhaling jasmine essential oil molecules transmits messages to the limbic system of the brain which is known to known to control emotions and influence the body’s nervous system.

READ 8 Amazing Mongongo Oil Benefits
Researchers in Germany have recently discovered that the scent of jasmine had a very powerful effect on the nerve cells owing to a chemical called GABA. Hundreds of scents were tested for their GABA effect in humans and mice and they found that jasmine increased this effect by over five times and acted equally as strongly as sleeping pills, sedatives and anti-anxiety pills.

The good news is that jasmine does not come with the nasty side effect risks so common with commercial medications. (1) Professor Hans Hatt suggested that the results showed that “Applications in sedation, anxiety, excitement and aggression relieving treatment and sleep induction therapy are all imaginable.”

2. SEDATIVE EFFECTS
As I mentioned above, jasmine has very powerful sedative effects in line with those offered by commercially produced pharmaceuticals. Anybody that has ever taken sleeping pills or anti-anxiety medications like Xanax will be fully aware of the very high risk of addiction and adverse side effects like dizziness, muscle weakness and depression.

This is great news for the millions of people who suffer from anxiety symptoms and whose lives are plagued by insomnia. If you cannot sleep, try diffusing jasmine essential oil in your bedroom at night and simply inhale it from your cupped palms whenever you are feeling anxious.

I am glad you are happy with your oils.
(((((HUGS)))))
love bizi

it turns out that ceciia needs a hip replacement in a couple of weeks. If I understood her right, even though she has osteoperosis(sp) her former surgeon who killed himself two years ago put in screws rather than doing a hip replacement. I tried to be very supportive and optimistic. I hadn't heard from her in over a week. I guess I am not taking her out for her birthday. I had asked her twice
She thought I should not have been angry at Marci for not doing some hand wash. I got angry at her. I told her that today I think the medication might be beginning to work. Then she said why were you angry.
that got me angry. I also got angry because years ago she lost a lot of weight on the diet I am trying and said it was easy yet she just told me about today and never suggested to me. This was after I told her I was trying it.
love
bobby

I am sorry that cecilia needs a hip replacement. hubby broke his hip and they just put in 4 screws....they told him it would only last so long that he will eventually need a total hip replacement. Not looking forward to that.
That is 12 bags of clothes....wow!
good for you.
hope you sleep better tonight.
love bizi

why didn't he have just a hip replacement or do they not last that long? Cecilia goes away a lot of weekends for agility trials and maybe goes over an hour or two each way to get lessons for her dogs twice a week.. I don't know how long she will be out of commission but that is her life.
she is also bone thin. It looks as if her legs could snap at any moment. she does it on purpose.
I have been listening to music all night. I lost a pound. Just tried to weigh myself again but couldn't maintain my balance. rats
love
bobby debating whether or not to have a cup of coffee. listening mostly to aaron neville. i adore him and just remembered him.


20 years
The good news is that studies show that common types of hip replacements can last more than 20 years. While there are hundreds of studies, they all vary in the type of implant used and the type of patient who had their hip replaced.
How Long Do Hip Replacements Last?

Diet to help osteoporosis Prevent Osteoporosis Through Your Diet - Diet and Nutrition Center - EverydayHealth.com
Preventing Osteoporosis Through Diet: Other Nutrients for Strong Bones. Magnesium, zinc, copper, iron, fluoride, and vitamins A and C are also required to prevent bone loss. Eating a well-balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, meats, beans, nuts, and seeds helps ensure that you’re getting what you need.
cecilia hasn't done that.
To avoid osteoporosis and the other conditions we've discussed in this article, people who fall below the body mass index of normal weight (18.5) should speak to a medical professional about gaining weight safely.

i haven't slept. I did have coffee. I have been listening to music all night. I joined you tube premium so there are no interruptions. I just started playing ragas. I still have my anger. Rats. I am not depressed.I think I still have the urge to buy. I noticed that parts of the bathroom floor and the groat between the tiles are dirty. I don't think Marci ever scrubbed them. rats. I might just try and if I am successful I will tell her. I think I am looking for a real fight.
II don't think she has cleaned them. They look a lot better now and I just bought two types of tile cleaners. When I get the new cleaning woman I don't want her to think that she can get away with murder and that I don't mind dirt.
It is really hard being bipolar. You can't really tell if your anger is justified or not.

I definitely will run out of money if I keep up the overspending. I just checked my credit card balance -ugh
I hope this antipsychotic works. I started praying to God no more clothes or books. I cancelled my unlimited kindle membership but they won't prorate what I paid.I don't want to cancel my premium youtube or my amazon music because they give me so much pleasure and I am home alone practically all the time. I feel like crying but I can't.

When Jeff had his hip repaired some 8 years ago. They told him it would last this long so we are running out of time. He was told that when he started having pain then it would be time for a total replacement. Since hip replacements only last 20 years the surgeon was buying him more time.
Keeping our fingers crossed. What he told jeff was he did not know how long it would last, one year, 5 years or more....I hope it continues to hold for as long as possible.


Are you going to try to take a nap today? or are you just going to stay awake and try again tonight? Why did you cancel your kindle? You like to read!!!!
love you bizi

good luck for Jeff!
I get bookbub which often offers free books. the unlimited kindle costs extra and lets you read up to ten books at a time for free which you would otherwise have to pay for. I spent about 50 dollars for I forgot the length of time. I was still in the trial period so I thought I could cancel it and save the money. I have so very many unread books it would shock you. I was buying books in lots on ebay. I cannot estimate how many books I have. Now I have trouble reading books but not on the kindle where you can adjust the print size.
I totally panicked when I figured out the rate of money I have been spending. My ss is small and even though my friend pays my rent I have been going so overboard with my savings to supplement my spending. There isn't that block in me to stop spending. If I see for instance a tunic that appeals to me I would just either bid on, make an offer or just buy it. Then I would find an author I really liked and just find her other books and buy them. I have bought a ton of supplements. I also spent a lot of money on laxatives that didn't work. Now I have one or two-I can't tell which one but finally it works. Phillips stopped working. I had a change in vision prescription and bought a lot of new glasses. Now hopefully i won't visit ebay and buy more. I still am bidding on some.
I just woke up from a nap and was severely depressed. I just took my morning meds. I can't find one. I love to read, listen to music, and play with my kitties. Now I hardly have any friends and don't like to leave my apartment. I really looked forward to seeing Marci twice a week but I think she pushed me too far. I am still very angry at her and will have to fake it. I will tell her how I gave Good Will 12 big bags of clothes to irritate her. They were good clothes and some were still in their plastic covers. I am positive she would have wanted them. This was the least stressful thing I could do. I didnd't have to wait for her and then leave the clothes she wanted in my very cluttered apartment. All I had to do is bag them and have the porter bring them down.
right now I am staring at an empty soda bottle case that she just left in the corner and didn't throw out.I will throw it out after this post! That pastor was shocked when I told him I had a cleaning woman twice a week. I am having mct oil with my coffee and it is said it gives you a lot of energy besides helping you with the keto diet. Before I didn't have any energy. I love my essential oils and when I run out of one of them, I will replenish it.
I hope God helps me to stop spending
love
bobby

What about putting your computer up or locking it?
bizi

i get email. my groceries and cleaning supplies etc come from the net. i get stock quotes and economic information from the net. i have this forum. I gather a lot of information from the net.
love
bobby

i just called amazon and got almost a 50 dollar credit for canceling the unlimited kindle.

That is great bobby!

I got this from my youngest nephew

What a blessing to let your friend talk freely for 1.5 hours. You are such a good person to those who have been good to you.

Love,

Alex

i thought that was interesting that he added about those who have been good to me.

i just bought some matcha tea but won't go to ebay
i just both some erythritol . i had never heard of the sweetner thaat works for the keto diet.
https://ketoconcern.com/erythritol-keto/
i just bought two books