i spoke to my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner and got a lot more depressed. i am really impressed with the psychiatric nurse practitioner. She is so f@cking knowable. I wanted to die again. i wrote a message to my internist about a muscle relaxer for ibs. he said no and also mentioned side effects.
linda finally called me back last night when i was feeling so hopeless and wanted to die. she said she had been throwing up all week and couldn't call. she said she had cancelled one appointment to have her hair cut. . she didn't want to cancel the next one. she went, then excused herself, threw up and then continued to have her hair cut. She listed all the things in her life like her three beloved sons, her writing, her reading, her doggy etc so she said how could she be depressed when she had so much. i have known her all my life so she is family. she lives in mass.
I am just too afraid of God TO KILL MYSELF.

dear bobby,
I am glad that you got to talk to linda am sorry she has been ill.
Am glad that you have your faith. could you read more on the bible or the koran, not sure how you spell that and if you have one.
very sad that you have been thinking about killing your self, have you called the crisis line any more they are there to help you not feel so alone.
Isn't it staffed 24/7?
love to you

bizi

i would never kill myself because i am terrified of God. I can't stand it when i wish i were dead. i read quotes from s the bible every day that are sent to me. i really should start reading the psalms again because they deal with suffering.
last night it was so bad.
I am also very worried about money. guess what i just bought three pairs of shoes from ebay. the shoes i have only been wearing i think have stretched out so maybe one of what i bought will work.
aby has been very affectionate this morning. aby and pudge are another deterrent.
i have been tormenting myself that i can't afford to buy Danny food that he loves more than hamburger. i discussed a lot with my therapist and kept on calling myself crazy. finally she convinced me to to write him that i would love to buy the food but i can only afford the hamburger.

i am feeling much better. i called the hotline and said everything that had upset me this past week. robert was supposed to help with my computer tonite but i wrote him early in the morning to cancel because i was very depressed and hadn't slept last night and but didn't write that i was very angry.was angry.
he had really gotten me furious. he had said the dog food i gave for Danny which i got for free he even liked better than the hamburger. i felt tormented and finally said that i could only afford the 2 pounds of hamburger i give danny every other week.. Of course i didn't tell him that i feel guilty about my impulse buying which i can't seem to stop.
he wrote back
I understand perfectly, and sorry you are having such difficulty paying your bills. Danny thanks you profusely for all the years you generously supplied him
with his favorite gourmet food hamburger.
That so infuriated me. i am not having trouble paying my bills but don't want to pay almost double what it costs me every other week for Danny's food.. i thought that was f@cking passive aggressive. and can't confront him. i did write back i am not having trouble paying my bills.
I took that other laxative for the third night and it made me go again although i still hope i can go more. last night i only took 4 pills. 4 cents-so much cheaper than magnesium citrate liquid. i was so relieved.
i hope i can sleep later. thank goodness for the hotline.

the bipolar depression returned a little while ago. i hate it.
yesterday for a while i was listening to Psalms on the internet. I just took flaxseed oil.

Flax seeds provide omega-3 fatty acids, which have been known to be mood lifting and possibly help combat depression. Several studies have found that increasing the omega-3 fatty acids in your diet can aid in preventing major depression disorders.
i also just took NAC.

How much NAC should I take for depression?
Oral N-acetylcysteine is safe and well tolerated without any considerable adverse effects. Current evidence supports its use as an adjunctive therapy clinically for psychiatric conditions, administered concomitantly with existing medications, with a recommended dosage between 2000 and 2400 mg/day.Oct 22, 2018

i just read this on facebook.

My psychiatrist told me that the reason the typical antidepressants weren’t working for me is because I am actually bipolar

80 % of them demonstrated improvement in depression, anxiety, and irritability, meaning that folic acid can be used as an adjunct to antidepressant treatment, and may be a safe and effective strategy for managing treatment-resistant depression in pediatric patients (Dartois et al., 2019).

I don't understand what your pdoc said? did he mean bipolar 1?
I am confused????
love bizi

i don't know. somebody wrote that on facebook

i hardly went this morning. i wonder if it stopped working. rats i only got three hours of sleep last night. double rats.
i asked robert if he could go with me to my eye appointment. i had told him about the fantastic equipment that cost over 300,000 dollars and that he would also like the doctor. if not for the first time in over a year i will try to go myself. it is on park ave with plenty of cabs so i am sure the cab driver would me.
my mood is flipping all over the place-it is awful. i took more peppermint and ginger capsules to help my stomach ache.
i did take a bath, called to find out my next dental appointment and called dorot's escort service for two more appointments. i called last week but they haven't called back. triple rats.
wy way way too much stress and exhaustion.

I hope your ride situation gets its act together and help you.
have a good day I have to get ready for work.
love,
bizi

I'm kind of confused too. I hope Robert can go to the eye doctor with you.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

somebody from dorot is going with me. they are cancelling their program. i have felt so rotten all day today. my ibs is awful
i ordered mag o . i wonder if that will work.

I'm glad they are going with you.

I sure hope you start feeling better.

Donna

It has been 4 days since I have had a bm. bought milk of magnesia:MOM and took a large dose. it is supposed to have results in 1/2 hour or up to 6 hours.to take it at night so I can have an interrupted sleep.
I give up on the linzess it's not working tonight is the 4th night of no bm.
besides the prunes, fiber gummies eating more veggies trying to take in more water. taking a probiotic I am hopeful about the MOM. I looked into an enema but that would involve jeff which I am not prepared to do that just yet.
I think an oil enema would be best. both cvs that I went to were out.
I must go
love ,
bizi

did the mom work. have you tried mag o.
love you,
bobby

just saw my electrical bill was bad.

I tried milk of magnesia last night nothing this morning, day 4.
think I will try the biscodyl next.
I hate this.....
bizi

i am feeling much better now. no depression although i still have stomach problems. bipolar is so weird. what a roller coaster ride. my kitties have been so affectionate.
i am cutting back on my ac but soon the weather should get cooler. Robert has been an angel. he said he would take me to the doctor but i wrote it was no longer necessary.
i am not going to go to ebay and use some control. i have always had so much trouble with control. i hardly had trouble in school because i really enjoyed what i was doing. i loved programming in assembler language .would even bring my work home to debug something. i loved the kids i did therapy with and tested even though it was sad.
i am not going to have to call a help line today.
i love the pants i just bought. i keep on wearing them because they are comfortable and i adore looking at them.
love you,
bobby

Wow! I am glad that you are feeling better.
glad that robert was going to take you to your doctors office if you needed that. He is there for you.
love bizi

the good and bad news. i spent over 2 hours yesterday trying to find the price of a stock i sold this year. today i got a call back from the company. i will wind up having huge capital gains which will wipe out my carry over losses, make me pay taxes an a penalty. at least i will be legal. in a way that is a big relief.
since my accountant retired, one say 600 dollars. i freaked. the next one said 250 before jan or else it would be 50 more. i signed up and paid without looking up references. today i looked up references and they were practically very good. relief.
still not ordering food. last night aaron mentioned the old book Dune by frank herbert. it sounded awesome so i bought it and two others by him.
i really have no control over my spending. taking Nac which might be helping my depression. bought something like magic mushrooms that got great reviews.
cutting back on ac. so worried that i will run out of money.
old friend said she will take me for my shingles shot. i kept on telling her how much i appreciated that. winds up both she and her husband have also have awful sleeping problems. see my eye doctor in two weeks.
my ibs-c has been so horrible. i don't wish it on anybody.
I realized i am still mourning Rabbi Mann.

found out today my scrie was approved and the letter was sent to me and landlord today. great relief. my rent remains frozen.

Good news about rent Bobby.

Donna

that was really a no brainer but i am so terrified of running out of money with no control or family.
it is really hot but now i am trying not to use my ac.eek it is 86

86 in your apartment!!!!!?????
that sounds miserable I could not live in that heat.
I have been getting cranky because jeff says I freeze him out so I have raised the a/c to 78 to be about 76.


will see if we both can sleep.
love you bizi

it sh@ts but i am terrified now and i feel so rotten anyways, what would you do in my position? i am calling the helpline now. my therapist is away today.
love you.
bobby

I am glad that the helpline is available.
I am unsure how to respond to your question.
Are you talking about your a/c bill? keeping your apartment 86 degrees I would suggest using a fan to help cool you off. I would run the a/c at a temperature that you can sleep in.
love, bizi

having trouble with one of my kindles. the wi fi password got deleted. aaron didn't call on monday or tuesday. we have been talking twice a week for about two years. he is a joy to talk to. he's empathetic, brilliant and knows so much and doesn't talk about problems. i got very sad because i thought he stopped calling. he wound up calling on wednesday and friday. i asked him what he eats. he said they eat a lot of buckwheat. both he and his wife are frugal. they have something besides the buckwheat. i looked it up and it is healthier than oatmeal. lately i have just been having oatmeal with flaxseed and a bagel or english muffin. it is cheap so i am saving a lot of money on food and it is helping my ibs. it is a double incentive. i ordered buckwheat.
i asked him what he was reading and he said he is rereading Dune. I looked it up and it sounded awesome so i bought it and a couple of others in the series and herbert's complete stories.
i read another book yesterday that i really enjoyed. the characters were talking about augustus's wife Livia. I didn't know he had three wives. She sounded fascinating so i bought a book about her. When i studied Latin. we only went up to the augustan period. Intermittently I am reading about the later good emperors.
I am so out of control about spending. i bought a gorgeous shoulder bag i couldn't resist. I adore the floral pants that retailed for 89 dollars and got one for 20 and the other less. i also bought a few more black tunic tops. I also buying more supplement. I think at least one really works. it is made of mushrooms and i have a lot more energy among other things. I have more laxatives I haven't tried yet.
Kathy is going with me on wednesday to finally have my hair cut. I like the natural look on older people so I don't dye my hair and keep on wondering if it causes cancer.
In two weeks she will go with me to get a shingles shot.
Sam gave me something to study for mindfulness. I hope i get to it before calls.
Then I saw that one of stocks which was performing poorly had two large buys by Goldman Sachs and Renaissance Technologies one of the top hedge funds if not the top. It is closed to new customers. Joe my friend's husband was a salesman for them and made a ton of money. i liked him a lot and when we went to plays we always agreed on what we saw but Betty who was phi beta kappa usually missed the point. She drank everyday but wasn't an alcoholic. She got breast cancer. Then had a hysterectomy to remove cancer and then she died. I think it was the liquor. she was slim, ate very healthy and exercised.

I am glad aaron called.
glad that you are enjoying reading again.the books sound interesting.
have a good weekend bobby.
off to work I go.
love you
bizi

can't use either kindle. robert said he would come over.it said router lasts for about five years and i have had it longer.

did robert come over today and help you? or are you needing a new router?
bizi

he didn't email or call. it is very upsetting. i depend on him too much. i work up as usual severely depressed. my stomach hurts. i had very bad thoughts. i just took a bath and brushed my teeth. just made coffee. still feel as if i have to go. i entered the password again to see if the kindle would work and it didn't. just took the new supplement and hope it still works and gives me more energy.
i have so many books and still buying more. yesterday i was reading a book i know i have read before. I have an incredible amount of books i haven't read yet.
looking forward to having my hair cut on wednesday.
a weird thing happened yesterday. a few weeks after my mother died kathy called me and said how upset she was because a friend lost i forgot somebody. i said how sad it was. i asked questions. it turned out he still had children and was close to his family. i felt so much anger and pain. I HAD NOBODY. she can be so insensitive..
yesterday she mentioned how a dear friend just died. i said how sorry i was. then i said i am still mourning my Rabbi, the only holy man i ever met. she immediately said i don't want to hear about that because my friend just died. I said he also helped keep me stable. Interesting.
love you,
bobby

I am sorry you lost your rabbi. what happened to him, do you know?
bizi

yes and it is terrifying. he was fine. i was told he took the covid booster. he didn't feel well afterwards. he cut his last class short and apologized. Later i heard he started getting crippled and died three weeks later. what a loss. they had a memorial on the phone later and that is how i found out.

I had a client who lost his wife to the vaccine.
She was never sick a day in her life.
got the shot then bam she got sick

with double pneumonia and died
He was devastated of course.

The house they were living in was her
children's home he has since moved into a nursing home.
very scary.
love you bizi who will get this next booster
for the omecron variant that will be available soon.

on wow. how terrifying. poor guy
i am still feeling effects of last booster. never had allergies and now my nose and eyes bother me and lost energy. i think the magic mushrooms are helping with the energy.
yes i will take the next booster. i think i wrote that i will have shingles shot in two weeks.
did you read the reviews of MagO on amazon? i am rereading a book and really enjoying it.
love you
bobby still very very very jealous of jeff

i wish there were no ebay. i never ever had many clothes. i wore a uniform in high school. on weekends i just wore jeans.

i haven't heard from robert. he didn't answer my email that i was worried. i have to wait. i don't want to bother him again. i hope he is all right. i always think the worse.
i haven't used my ac today. again the temperature is 86. actually my computer says 88.
i don't feel like calling a help line.

i called robert and left a message saying that i hoped he was okay and he knew i always worry. i am saying some prayers.

robert emailed me and said he would come over tomorrow. his kitty casey was just diagnosed with diabetes so he has been ultra busy. i gave him joyce's number. i bet she knows more than most vets.