Hi,
Hubby started doing crap about how I have changed since we got married two years ago and that he didn't really know what we he was getting into.
B.S. He knew and I have not changed.

I had been working all weekend trying to be calm and trying to achieve my equilibrium. Then he walked into my computer room from behind me and said something that completely startled me/freaked me out and I started crying. *

So then I had to spend time with him and I suppose that we calmed each other down. But I still think I would have liked to have focused on keeping myself calm rather than dealing with him.

Does this make sense? I would like to ask for about 30 days of being allowed to be the big baby around here. After 30 days I'll go back to paying lots of attention to him and helping him with his emotional needs.

Mari




* He's hyper/ocd/hyperfocusedd ADD/has some anxiety. . . (my expert diagnoses )

Hi,
I talked to a colleague in another dept on the phone tonight and told her that the people in my dept feel confused and lost and upset. I asked her if she noticed that. She said no because she keeps her door closed.

Well darn. I'd like that option. But I've got two official admin roles and a million unofficial roles. And people are always coming at me for stuff.

Then I have bunches of meetings and one important one this week. The big boss needs to meet with me for some reason. I don't know what she wants or if I can do it for her.

I've sort of reached the limits of my job and what I can achieve with bipolar. I cannot reasonably do more than I already am and still have any chance at reaching my equilibrium.

I hope that some of this makes sense.

Mari

Mari

All of it makes perfect sense to me. And I really want to help.
So keep talking to us. I would bet that you could tell the
hubby to just decorate for halloween. And that would really
get him wondering what you are thinking.

Anyway talk to the big boss. But maybe its time to say I need
to stop getting more things to do and slow down for a while.

I'm stressing.

Donna

I wish I had some wisdom to give you. Is there anyway you can reduce your duties at work? You are probably doing more than most people there. Can you also make a sign for your door saying busy and close the door....you can add can be reached by email.
If you had less stress from work, maybe that would make it easier on your marriage. also when you feel more rested you can ask your husband in what ways does he think you have changed. I am so sorry that you have additional stress from him.
Bobby

I am sorry too that you are having all of this additonal stress.
It sounds like you are taking on a lot of work in addition to your regular responsibilities.
I agree...is there any way to ask for help.
More stress from hubby is not something that you need right now.
Would he agree to see your therapist again?
bizi
it sounds like you could use some Mari time....
Have you been doing your outside interests, buddist services? yoga, gym,coffee at star bucks, do you have a lap top where you could go to a coffee shop if you wanted to take a break?

Hi,

Before we got married we saw each other about 3 days a week for 10 years. we lived in nearby cities.


Also, I cry more now than before we married, especially if I am trying to explain something to him. (We don't yell at each other.)
We anticipated some difficulties about living together. In fact for many years we talked about never living together -- about getting separate appartments right next door to each other. We both need a lot of space.


The work stuff needs to let up soon. Usually the extra work kind of goes in cycles. But this cycle is a long one.

Acyuallly, your posts reminded me that if the big boss asks me to do something else beyond what I am doing, I will tell her no.

Mari

Bizi,
No, I'm not doing anything that I want or that works for me.
Maybe I need to be doing some more stuff that feeds me.

Maybe at least seeing my accupunturist again instead would help. She has been on my list of people to call.

Mari

((((((Mari)))))),

This might help. Or maybe not

I worked at a job once where I was supposed to teach 16 people how to use the computer. I had to do that one-on-one because we had no training room. I loved it. I was busy and productive.

I made the mistake of telling people that the could call me ANY TIME if they got 'stuck'.

A few months later we got a new boss who wanted a computer on EVERY desk. That meant I'd be training about 120 people one-on-one (who were passing that original message "call her if you get stuck").

I had dozens of people calling me every day instead of using their [F1] key or using the $150 help manual on their desk.

I had to write a letter to everyone stating that they needed to demonstrate that they had at least attempted to solve the problem themselves (unless they were working on a time-critical project).

The number of calls dropped instantly Sometimes people get too dependent on us for immediate help instead of trying to solve the problem themselves. Don't know if this would work in your sitch or not. But, it might be worth thinking about.

Oh, I was married. He was a caretaker type of person. The relationship was that one of us always seemed to be 'down'. When one went 'down', the other could shift into caretaker mode.

The problem was when I started therapy and started 'getting better', I threw off the balance that used to exist in the relationship because I didn't need someone to be my caretaker any longer. Confused the heck out of my husband 'cause he didn't feel 'needed' any longer. The therapists had warned me that this might happen.

In my sitch, divorce was the solution. Looking back, though, couples therapy probably would have solved that problem.

Life does get to be a puzzle and a muddle sometimes doesn't it

Hope you get 'things' balanced out. Hugs.

Barb

Sorry stress so bad at work. Something to consider: medical leave. I just got back from one. It started in July "for only 3 weeks". I came back to work part-time at the end of August, and full time last week. I'm not sure I can work full time anymore either with how bad my bipolar has grown. But the leave let me gradually regain my clarity of sight, my strength, so I could think clearly for a while. Plus - if your employer is decent-sized, your job is protected under Federal Family & Medical Leave Act.

Dear Barb,
Part of our dynamics is that I calm him down when he is too "up/wired/hyper/mad" about something. That works if I am not "up" about the same thing.
I kind of bring him back down to normal mood. When I can't play that function for him, he is a bit lost.

Moodwise, I rely on him to be steady for my anxiety. Most of the time that works.

But I've been feeling crowded or something and I can't put my finger on it.


Regarding work stuff: I am learning slowly to farm out stuff and let people take more initiative and do more of my duties.
I like your example about the phone calls.

When I came home from work, I was happy to see that no one had called me. Imagine, people call me at home. What, am I stupid for giving out my number and telling people to call me?!

Mari